A Hopeful Rebeginnning

A portable restroom stands in the center of a town. A man opens the door walks out. He is shocked. He goes back in and comes out again. He is still shocked, he looks around. He stands, scratching his head. A woman enters.

Man : Excuse me.
Woman : Good afternoon.
Man : Can you tell - this may sound strange - where am I?
Woman : What?
Man : Where.. am I?
Woman : Ohio.
Man : That's funny, I thought I was. Maybe I just sat here for so long that I forgot what the area looked-
Woman : Illinois.
Man : I thought you said Ohio.
Woman : Ohio, Illinois.
Man : What?
Woman : Ohio, Illinois. The town of Ohio, Illinois.
Man : What? I. I should be in Toledo.
Woman : Toledo, Illinois?
Man : No. Toledo, Ohio.
Woman : You've either driven way too far, or not nearly far enough. If you go back south to I-80 East, I think that'll take you.
Man : I didn't drive here.
Woman : Oh. Well if you walk back south and take -
Man : No. I - . I was going to the restroom, and when I went in there, I was in Toledo, but when I came out, I was here. In Ohio.
Woman : Well it's a good place to end up. From what I hear, Toledo is kind of an armpit.
Man : Well, yeah - they once tried to change the slogan to Toled-Oh! but rather than making people thing, "Oh! Toledo." They thought "Tolee D'oh!" like Homer Simpson.
The woman stares blankly at him. The portable toilet begins to slide off stage.
Man : Wait. Where are you going?
Woman : I don't think it's going anywhere. It is sitting on a truck.
Man : Oh god. I'm lost. I need to get home. I have to work. I have.
Woman : It was nice talking to you.
The woman leaves. The man sits on the ground, stands up, kicks the ground.

Left Behind (a nonChristian play)

It is a tropical paradise. An airport. Gerry sleeps on a bench with a piece of luggage near his side. he wears a suit. Another man, a local named Gerardo, stands and waits. The man slowly awakens.

Gerry : What? Where - ?
Gerardo : Good morning Mr. Myers.
Gerry : Uh. Good morning. Uhm?
Gerardo : Gerardo.
Gerry : Gerardo. Good morning. My head hurts.
Gerardo : It should. You had quite an evening.
Gerry : Gerardo, where am I? Have I been kidnapped?
Gerardo : No sir. You were dropped off.
Gerry : I was flying to Spain. From England.
Gerardo : That's correct, you were.
Gerry : Then why am I here?
Gerardo : Well. You had such a good time on the plane, that the pilots thought it might be best if you were dropped off here.
Gerry : Where is here?
Gerardo : Portugal.
Gerry : Portugal? I need to be in Spain.
Gerardo : I understand, sir, but unfortunately, that can't happen.
Gerry : What? Why not? I've got family. I need to go.

He gets up to go, two police officers come on and pin him down.

Gerardo : You see, Mr. Myers, you've been dropped here because you were intoxicated on the airplane.
Gerry : In Portugal?
Gerardo : That's correct.
Gerry : Portugal isn't even en route to Spain.
Gerardo : The pilots were very angry.
Gerry : I'm not drunk anymore. I should be able to go. I'm sure I can get another flight.
Gerardo : Unfortunately, there will be no more flights for you.
Gerry : What do you mean?
Gerardo : Mr. Myers, you've been banned from flying in the E.U.
Gerry : What? For being drunk on a plane?
Gerardo : And for your actions.
Gerry : My actions?
Gerardo : You threw, uhm, how do I say this -
Gerry : Go on.
Gerardo : You started by singing Otis Redding's "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay," followed by physically and sexually assaulting one of the flight attendants.
Gerry : Oh gosh, I hope she's alright.
Gerardo : He's a bit shaken up, but he'll be alright.
Gerry : He.
Gerardo : To close your performance, you - uhm. You threw feces at the other passengers.
Gerry : What?
Gerardo : According to the accounts of the other passengers you stood up, stumbled to the bathroom and came out screaming, "Dirt clod fight." Then began to throw your business at the other passengers.
Gerry : That's a lie.
Gerardo : I wish it were, sir, but one of the passengers had a video camera and gave us the tape.

Gerardo looks to one of the police officers, they bring over a small TV. Gerry watches it, in horror.

Gerry : Oh god. I'm so embarrassed.
Gerardo : We're all embarrassed for you sir.
Gerry : So they just dropped me off, and left me for dead?
Gerardo : No. Not for dead, the Portuguese are generally nice, community oriented folk, you'll find that many of us would no sooner slit your throat than steal a goat.
Gerry : That's nice.
Gerardo : It's actually the town motto.
Gerry : What?
Gerardo : Not really. We're not as third world as your stereotype might suspect. You'll find that growing old in Portugal is one of the greatest experiences of your life.
Gerry : Growing old in - What?
Gerardo : Oh. You'll be imprisoned here for the rest of your life. Not only was your behavior reprehensible, you also called one of your "clods" a bomb. Something that no one finds funny.
Gerry : I was that drunk?
Gerardo : Indeed. So now, you'll be arraigned and sentenced to a lifelong sentence in one of our finest prisons.
Gerry : I - don't believe it.
Gerardo : Yes, Mr. Myers. It's true.
Gerry : I'll never drink again.
Gerardo : That's correct. You won't.
Gerry : Please. I don't want to go to jail. Can't you understand that drinking can change a person? We all make mistakes.
Gerardo : Well. Since I can see that you certainly feel bad about what you've done, perhaps we can be a little lenient on you and merely fine you the amount for making the plane go out of it's way and land here, delaying the landing time for everyone else.
Gerry : Really?
Gerardo : I'm sorry, no. You'll go to jail. And you'll live there forever. And you'll be forever known as the "airplane poopster," a name that's sure to make you popular with many of our inmates.

Gerardo takes out a marker and writes it on Gerry's head. The officers begin to pull Gerry away.

Gerry : Wait! What about my embassy?
Gerardo : I am your embassy. Have a lovely stay here in beautiful Portugal, sir.

The officers and Gerry are gone.

Gerardo : Alright, and now for the woman we shall call, The Breast Feeding Behemoth.

He shudders and walks off.

Empty Mailbox - Play With No Words

There is a mailbox, in front of a house, by a road. It is a standard mailbox, not shaped like a house or anything special. Walter walks from the house to the mailbox. He opens it, finds nothing in it, and closes it.

He goes back to the porch and sits. He waits. The mail truck comes by. Walter pretends to not be waiting for the mail to come. The truck leaves. He runs out to the mailbox.

Inside the mailbox is a small box. It has his name on it. He opens the box, inside is a lock, and a smaller mailbox. He puts the lock on his mailbox, putting the key in his pocket. He places the smaller mailbox on top of the old mailbox. He opens the door to it. On the side of the mailbox reads, "Junk Mail." He laughs heartily and walks inside.

No Man Is An Island

A man stands in front of a mirror. His hair has been reduced to an "island" at the front of his foreheard and hair on the sides and back. He looks in front of the mirror. He is in his den. With him is a guitar. In the next room are his wife and children. The children sit at the table, coloring. The wife washes dishes.

Karen : Roger? Did you still want to go to that RV show this afternoon?
Roger : Yeah. Sure. I don't know.
Karen : I'm sorry? What did you say?
Roger : That sounds fine, honey.

Roger walks over to his guitar and fiddles with it.

Karen : Roger? When did you want to leave?
Roger : Whenever you and the kids are ready.
Karen : We're ready right now.
Roger : ok. Soon, then.

Roger walks back to the mirror and begins to rub a bottle of Rogaine into his hair and on his scalp. He tries to style it, which doesn't work very well, and leaves.

Baby Gays

The year is 1923.

Leo Gerstenzang sits at his drawing board in his kitchen, scribble and scribbling out. His wife is nearby. She begins to apply make up.

Leo's Wife : Leo. Can you pass me that container of tooth picks?
Leo : Yeah, yeah, sure.
He passes them. He continues the scribbling. His wife begins to wrap cotton around the tooth picks.
Leo : Honey, what are you doing?
Leo's Wife : Oh. I'm just applying my make out. Cleaning out my ears. You know.
Leo : No. What are you doing with those cotton swaps and toothpicks?
Leo's Wife : Oh. When I wrap the cotton wap around the toothpick, it gives me slightly more control over the swab, so I can put my make up on better, clean my ears better. You know.
Leo : Let me see one of those.
He takes one and puts make up on, then cleans his ears. Blood pours out of his ears. He howls in pain.
Leo : This is brilliant. Let's sell these.
Leo's Wife : Honey, your ears are bleeding?
Leo : I can't hear you, my ears are filling with blood. Look. Before I forget, make a thousand of these, and I'll sell them. We'll be rich.
Leo's Wife : What will we all them?
Leo : We will call them... Baby Gays.
Leo's Wife : That's kind of a queer name.

The Snowman

A child builds a snowman. It has eyes, a nose, a mouth. With the ring of a xylophone, the snowman comes to life.

Snowman : Hello there, little Billy.
Billy : Snowman? You're alive?
Snowman : Yes. I am.
Billy : Wow. Wait until I tell my friends!
Snowman : Don't you want to know how I came to life?
Billy : I assumed it was the spirit of Winter, or Christmas, or Jesus or something.
Snowman : No, Billy. It's more complicated than that. Sit down a minute, it's time to put on our scientifi-
Billy begins to run off.
Billy : Mom! Dad! Jarod! My snowman came to life, just like in the movies! And video games!
Snowman : --thinking cap. Oh Billy! Wait!
Billy : And children's books!
Snowman : We have so much to talk about.
Billy : And adult books!
Snowman : Billy?
Billy : And magazines!
Snowman : I -
Billy : And podcasts!
Snowman : don't want to live like -
Billy : And puppet shows!
Snowman : this.
Over the next dialogue, the snowman pulls out a gun made of snow.
Billy : And stories from Grandma! And cartoons on cable! And cartoons on public access!
The snowman shoots himself in the head and falls over.
Billy : And stop motion shorts!

Eating at a Hardee's in Northwest Ohio

It is a rest stop. The last rest stop in Northwest Ohio on I-90/80 West. There are two African-American police officers sitting and eating, watching people. This is strange because there are a total of 5 African Americans in Northwest Ohio, outside of Toledo. There is a Quarter Ball Machine, with white trash teeth in it.There is also a fast food restaurant, Hardee's. Howard enters, walks up to Hardee's counter. A midget springs up.

Midget : Hi. Welcome to Hardee's. What can I get for you?
Howard : Hi. How are you. I'd like a number two please. To go.
Midget : So that's a bacon burger with fries and a pop. To go.
Howard : Uh. Yes.
Midget : Great. The total will be six dollars and thirty three cents.
Howard pays. The Midget hands him a large laminated card with a number on it.
Midget : Here you go, when your food is ready, we'll call your number.
Howard walks away with his number. He walks to the White Trash Teeth machine.
Howard : Hm. White trash teeth.
He takes a picture, then sits at the tables, waiting for his food. A woman with a mullet sits at the table next to him, despite the availability of several other tables in the room that are further away.
Howard : Hi. Happy Holidays.
Mullet : Hi.
She smiles and has teeth like the ones in the machine.
Midget : Number 33.
Howard takes his food and trades his number.
Howard : Thanks.
He walks out. Out of nowhere, a taller man walks very closely behind him, until they are both gone.

Animals in the Forest

A princess runs to the center of a heavily overgrown forest, she trips and falls on a branch.

Princess : Oh, it always happens to me like that.

The princess stands up and brushes herself off. A bear enters.

Princess : Oh goodness! A bear!
Bear : Oh, hello. How are you doing?
Princess : Oh! I'm sorry? Are you speaking to me?
Bear : Why yes. I am.
Princess : Oh, I didn't think bears could talk.
Bear : You are in a magical forest.

A Beaver, an Owl, a Badger, a Snake, and a Turtle, all similarly sized to the Bear, enter.

All : A MAGICAL FOREST!
Princess : Oh. Am I that far from home?
Owl : That depends on where home is. Where is your home?
Badger : A MAGICAL FOREST!
Princess : Oh! My home is.. is.. San Diego.
Turtle : Dear, oh my. That is a long way from home.
Snake : How ever did you get here?
Princess : Oh, I'm not sure.
Bear : Well. It is Tuesday, today, so the magic portal cloud could have transported her.
Snake : That would make sense, but today isn't just Tuesday, it's the last Tuesday of the month, and that means there are no portal travels on this Tuesday.
Turtle : But it's close to the end of the year, could they be allowing for Holiday travel?
Snake : No. Did you read the paper? They're having problems with interdimensional travel.
Turtle : Really. I had no idea. Is it pirates?
Bear : I heard there was an uprising with Moonies.
Snake : Moonies? You made that up.
Bear : No. I'm serious,
Princess : Oh... Excuse me.
Bear : Moonies are rock people from the Sun and they are unhappy with their wages for protecting the outer rings of the magical forest.
Badger : A Magical Forest!
Bear : Seriously, Badger. That's fucking annoying.
Princess : Oh! I have to find my home.
Bear : Well. I'm sorry, that can't happen.
Princess : Oh why?! You won't let me know how to get home.
Bear : No, it's not that we won't.
Snake : Actually it is.
Turtle : We want to eat you.
Princess : Oh sweet Turtle, I thought your kind was gentle and only ate vegetables.
Owl : I haven't said anything in a while.
Bear : I'm sorry. We have to eat you now. That's why we're here. Do you think we'd really let you go?
Owl : I have to go.
The Owl leaves.
Snake : Since it is Tuesday, the last Tuesday of the month, here is how this will happen. I will eat the Princess first, and -
The Princess sneaks away.
Snake : -then Owl. Where did Owl go. Nevermind. Badger, you can rip me in half and because of the powers of Last Tuesday God of Life Magic, I'll come back to life within minutes. Badger, you'll chew up the Princess and spit half of it in Bear's mouth. Momma bird, baby bird, guys. Turtle, because it's the year of the Zebradog, luckily, Bear can only poop out hamburgers, so you'll get that.
Turtle : No mustard please.
Bear : Only mustard gas.
They all laugh. There is silence between them all after the laughter.

It's so dark, I might cry

Complete and total darkness.

Man : Hello? Anyone?
Woman : Hello?
Man : Is someone there?
Woman : Yes. Who's there?
Man : I'm Stan.
Woman : Stan, I'm Mary.
Man : Mary. What happened?
Woman : I'm not sure. All I remember was that it was nice, there were children in the park, and the sun was shining.
Man : And now the sun isn't shining.
Woman : It kind of flickered and then went out.
Man : How strange. Do you think it's like this everywhere?
Woman : Probably. I mean, the sun did burn out.
Man : So what do we do now?
Woman : Wait for it to come back on?
Man : Alright. Where are you?
Woman : I'm not sure.
Man : Do you think deaf people are freaking out right now?
Woman : I think everyone is freaking out right now.

Trombone the Overlord

A post apocalyptic world. A dented, rusty trombone sits on a stand on hill in the middle of the space. Several worshippers, one of which is on fire look, worship the trombone.

Person 1 : Master! Please send us guidance.
Person on Fire : I'm on fire!
Person 2 : Trombone, tell us, show us how to rebuild the world.
Person 3 : Yes. A new world.
Person on Fire : Thank you for setting me on fire, Trombone. I don't entirely understand why I'm on fire, but thank you!
Trombone : First. Stop graveling. Second. Begin a government where all people are equal, aside from your leader. Hone you skills in farming, woodworking, dancing, sewing. Begin working at those jobs. And you, the one I set on fire, I don't like you. Stop thanking me. It's annoying.
Person on Fire : Yes! Thank you sire.
The person on fire explodes.
Trombone : And now it's time for some smooth Jazz.
The Trombone plays some Jazz, the worshippers dance. Someone knocks over Trombone, the music stops, a person sitting behind where the Trombone was walks out holding a microphone, puts a clarinet on the stand and walks back.
Clarinet : I believe I said Jazz. Now.
The music resumes with the Clarinet as the predominant sound in the music. The people dance, again.

Over-the-Shoulder Guy

Steve sits at his desk with a computer, he types away. Conor comes in behind him and starts to stare over his shoulder, saying nothing. He does so for about a minute.

Steve : Hi Conor.
Conor : Hey.

There is another pause.

Steve : Everything alright?
Conor : Oh yeah. Great.

Steve swings around and accidentally kicks Conor in the shins.

Conor : Ow! Watch out Steve.
Steve : Jeez, I'm sorry Conor. You were standing so close to my chair that I - it was an accident I'm sorry.
Conor : Really. Come on now, be a little more careful.
Steve : Maybe if you weren't lurking over me like that, you wouldn't have been hit in the shins.

There is a long pause where they stare at each other.

Conor : What are you saying?
Steve : You were too close to me. You were looking over my shoulder.
Conor : Well, you didn't have to kick me.
Steve : I didn't ki-
Conor : I don't know how old you think you are, but I can tell you're not a kid. So I expect adult behavior from my coworkers. Seriously Steve. Silliness is acceptable, but voilence isn't. You could have said something. I do have ears and I'm not completely unreasonable.
Steve : Conor -.
Conor : No. You know what? I forgive you. It's fine.

Steve looks at Conor. He gives up, turns back to his computer and starts to type again. Conor continues looking over Steve's shoulder. Until they die.

Holiday Party 2005

The setting : The Kitchen of a Holiday Party. A fondu set sits on a table next to some Christmas cookies.

Jim : Yeah, I told Jane to bring the fruit for the fondu, so as soon as she gets here we can start having chocolate covered food.
John : You could always just dip your hand in it and take bites out like a Crunch bar, Jill.
Jill : Or cookies.
Jim : Right, we'll have all sorts of stuff floating in the melted chocolate when Jane arrives.
Jill : Crumbs.
John : Band-Aids.
Jim : Oh, John. Gross.
Jill : Ew.
John : I'm sorry. I was over-stimulated and lost control. I'm sorry.

When You Sleep

Woman : When you sleep, where do your fingers go?
Other Woman : Excu-Excuse me?
Woman : I always wake up to find mine where I don't think they should be, where do yours go?
Other Woman : I'm sorry. When I sleep?
Woman : When you sleep?
Other Woman : Where do my fingers go?
Woman : Where do they go?
Other Woman : How will I know, if I'm sleeping?
Woman : Do you have a husband - or, I'm sorry, a "partner"?
Other Woman : Well, I'm no dyke, if that's what you mean.
Woman : Wow. Maybe I don't want to know.
Other Woman : You asked. Where do yours go that's so bad?
Woman : I don't want to say, it might make you think that yours go their too.
Other Woman : How do you mean?
Woman : Like when you think you know an answer, but can't place the word- words. And then someone says it outloud and you almost immediately -
Other Woman & Woman : Blurt it out too.
Woman : Right. That's. Kind of annoying.
Other Woman : I was helping prove your point.
Woman : Yes. Well. That's not how I like to operate in a conversation.
Other Woman : I do.
Woman : We'll have to agree to disagree then, and move on.
Other Woman : No.
Woman : Have you answered my question yet?
Other Woman : My fingers, go.
Woman : Go?
Other Woman : I'm sorry. I didn't mean dyke, like dyke-dyke. I was being -
Woman : What?
Other Woman : Ironic.
Woman : I didn't get that.
Other Woman : You don't have as fine of a sense of humor as I do, apparently.
Woman : Please don't insult me - maybe mine is so high, I don't get your plebeian sense of humor.
Other Woman : Maybe mine is so well-developed your scurvy sense of humors pales in comparison.
Woman : Scurvy?
Other Woman : I saw it once in a thesaurus. Under plebeian.
Woman : You looked it up.
Other Woman : I wanted to be prepared. In case of this.
Woman : I see. That makes sense then.
Other Woman : I've got to go now.
Woman : Alright then.
Other Woman : Goodbye.
Woman : Goodbye.
There is a beat.
Other Woman : In my nose.
Woman : I get nosebleeds too.
Other Woman leaves.

Pollution! Ocean! Not so bad?

Under the ocean, a place where mermaids and animals talk.

Starfish : Mermaid! Mermaid! Come look at me.
Mermaid : What is it starfish? What happened?
Starfish : Look at me. I have eyes, I can see.
Mermaid : You can see? How wonderful! I'm so happy for you. There's so much to show you!
Starfish : No. I'm not supposed to see, though. I'm a starfish. Starfish are supposed to feel around and cling to things.
Mermaid : Like my star fish bra.
Starfish : Right.
Mermaid takes a piece of coral and stabs the starfish's eyes out.

Brian the Dragon Slayer

Brian the Dragon Slayer : Dragon! Dragon! Come out and fight me!
Dragon (offstage) : No.
Brian the Dragon Slayer : Come on you pussy! Come out and fight me. I've got something to prove.
Dragon (offstage) : Go to hell.
Brian the Dragon Slayer : I need to overcompensate for my little - eh. Everything is fine with my weiner, come out here.
Dragon (offstage) : Fine.

The dragon enters the stage.

Dragon : But first, I'd like to read you this.
Brian the Dragon Slayer : Ok, what?

The Dragon clears his throat, burns Brian alive and walks back inside.

My Si.

A doctor's waiting room. Two 18-25 year olds sit and wait. Their names are Kati and Cari. They are waiting for their friend Dazi. There is a television in the background.

Television : ..and with the popularity of fames conjoined twins Jake and Jack at it's ultimate peak, surely, they will become legends after their fateful car accident. Hollywood, America - no. the world will miss you Jack and Jake. The world will miss you.
Kati : How do you think the surgery went?
Cari : I bet it went awesome.
Kati : Yeah. Real awesome.
Cari : So awesome. I can't wait.
Kati : Awesome.
The doctor enters
Doctor : Dah-zuy Kerrington? Is the family of Dah-zuy?
The girls look at each other and laugh.
Kati : Uh - it's Dazi - like the flower?
Cari : Yeah. The flower. Duh.
Doctor : Alright. Dazi Kerrinton, are you her family?
Kati : Well not, but we have to pick her up.
Cari : We're taking her home.
Doctor : Ok. Well the surgery went very well. Dazi came out of the anesthesia easily, and she's ready to go home now. I'll send her out.
The Doctor walks back. Dazi pops her head out from behind the door.
Cari : Dazi!
Kati : Dazi!
Dazi : Cari! Kati!
Cari : How do you feel?
Dazi : I feel great. Are you ready?
Both nod. Dazi enters, the surgery she has just undergone was to give her a siamese twin that is attached at her hip. His name is Ralph. He is a tall black man. The girls squeal.
Cari : He's so black!
Kati : And SO tall.
Dazi (whispering) : I think I love him.
Kati : Wow, Dazi. That's so. Awesome.
Cari : Really awesome, Dazi. Really awesome.
Ralph : Hi. I'm Ralph.
Cari : Oh my God! He talks too!
Ralph : How are y-
Kati : How! Are! You! Doing?!
Ralph : Uh. I'm a little groggy. Yo-
Cari : Hi Ralph. You're real tall. You know that?
Dazi : Cari! Stop hitting on Ralph.
Cari : I'm sorry.
Dazi : It's ok. Oh my god. I will be so cool with Ralph with me. Everyone's going to envy me. I'll be just like Jack and Jake.
Kati : Oh they're dead.
Dazi : What?
Kati : They died. I don't think it's going to be cool anymore.
Cari : I'm sorry, Dazi.
Dazi : Well, there's only one thing left to do then.
She takes out a knife and cuts Ralph off. Blood goes everywhere.
Ralph : What are you doing? You're not supposed to do this!
Ralph dies.
Dazi : Ok guys, let's go home.
They all start to walk out. Dazi falls down and dies.

If We All Lived In Bubbles.

A world where everyone is a "bubble boy." A man and a woman. There are flowers.

Man rolls out into the middle of the scene with a kite inside his bubble.

Jack : Alright, Jack - here we go. Time to fly.

He tosses his kite and begins to run, the kite falls, he trips and falls as well. The woman enters the scene. She sees flowers and tries to pick them up.

Lisa : Ooh. Flowers. I love flowers.

She rolls over them, crushing them. She stands over them in her bubble, pawing at the flattened flowers, not entirely sure why she can't grab them.

Jack (noticing her) : Oh, hello there.
Lisa : Huh? Oh. Hi. How are you?
Jack : I'm Jack.
Lisa : I'm Lisa.
Jack : I'm Jack. How are you?
Lisa : I'm good.
Jack : Good.
Lisa : Is that a kite?
Jack : Uh. Yes. Not enough wind to really fly it today though..
Lisa : I love kites.
Jack : Oh right, me too.
Lisa : I was trying to pick flowers. These flowers are no good.
Jack : I find that about most flowers.
Lisa : Do you like -
Jack : Oh yes.
Lisa : Sunshine?
Jack : Oh. Erm. No, actually.
Lisa : Who doesn't like sunshine.
Jack : Jack doesn't.
Lisa : Would like to get coffee some time?
Jack : Ok. Sure. Let's get coffee.
Lisa : How about now?
Jack : Now is good.

They roll off.

Later that day. They have coffee stains on their bubbles. They enter laughing, with their hands pressed against the sides of the bubble that is closest to the other.

Jack : That was really fun.
Lisa : Yeah, it was.
Jack : I really like you.
Lisa : I realy like you, too.

Jack kisses her through his bubble they then proceed to rub their bodies against each other through their bubbles.

Lisa : Wow.
Jack : Me too.
Lisa : I love you.
Jack : I love you, too.
Lisa : Do you want to get married?
Jack : Sure. I think that's a good idea.

They both pull out rings and try to put them on each other's hands, the rings fall to the bottom of the bubbles. Neither seem to notice.

Jack : Let's have a baby.
Lisa : Ok.

A baby in a bubble rolls out.

Jack : Baby!
Lisa : Baby!

They roll the baby back-and-forth.

Lisa : I don't want to be married anymore.
Jack : I still love you.
Lisa : I'm sorry. We're divorced. I resent you too much to stay with you anymore.

She picks up the ring at the bottom of her bubble and throws it at Jack, it merely bounces off the side of her bubble. They walk to separate sides of the stage. A new man walks out on stage, in a bubble.

Lisa : Hi.
New Man : Hello.
Lisa : You're handsome. Do you want to get coffee?
New Man : Why, yes. I would.

They leave.

Jack (with the Baby) : Mom's out tonight, kiddo. It's just you and me.

He pushes the baby across the stage. Walks to the other side, repeats.

Several years later.

Jack & Lisa are older, the baby is a young person.

Jack : Hi.
Lisa : .. Hi.
Jack : How have you been?
Lisa : I've been alright.
Jack : Are you still with .. . .that..
Lisa : No. He wasn't that great.
Jack : We've gotten old.
Lisa : Indeed, we have.

Baby, now Young Person, enters.

Young Person : Hi Mom. Hi Dad.
Lisa : Hello.
Jack : Hi.
Young Person : I'd like to take care of you now.
Lisa : Go ahead.
Jack : We're too old to work, anyway.
Lisa : Do you want to get married again for tax purposes?
Jack : It's probably cheaper to do that, so yes. I do.
Young Person : I'm getting married now.
Young Person leaves.
Lisa : Let's take a nap.
Jack : Ok, let's.

Why It Doesn't Rain Plastic Balls from Quarter Toy Machines

3 people of no specified gender stand in what would probably be a park. They throw a frisbee.

1 : Here ya' go!
2 : Woa! Almost missed it there.
3 : Guys - throw it me.
They don't.
3 : Stop being assholes.
1 : Look you never catch the -

Balls from Quarter Toy Machines start to fall from sky slowly.

2 : What the -?
3 : Is that hail?
1 : No. They aren't cold or wet. They're - filled with toys.
2 : Did a plane drop these from the sky?
1 : No. I don't see anything.
2 : What the -

It stops.

3 : That was bizarre.
They continue throwing.
3 : Ok. Seriously. If you don't throw it to me. I'm going home.

Plastic Balls now fall, slightly heavier.

1 : Oh my god.
2 : It's seriously raining these things.
3 : It's like that kids' book about food.

2 picks up one up.

2 : This one has a temporary tattoo. Quick gimme a water bottle.
2 gets the water bottle, puts it on.

1 : Oh my God, I've got a sticky wall climber.
1 throws it at 3.

3 : Jesus. I'll seriously go home if you don't stop.

The balls fall harder.

1 : Oh. Shit. These are starting to hurt. Do you guys have an umbrella?
2 : No. I didn't know it was going to rain plastic balls - OW.

The balls fall harder and start to bloody and maim the three. They cry and fall down, eventually dying.

God walks out.

God : Hello. I'm God. I wanted you to know that I'm unhappy with they way things have been going. You are all going to die. Now. Thank you. Goodbye.

God leaves.

Set My House On Fire

2 Parents, 2 Children. The interior of a house with a front yard.

Parent 1 : Well kids, I'm sorry, but there will be no presents for any holidays this year.
Child 1 : What do you mean? Not for our birthdays?
Child 2 : Or even Christmas?
Parent 2 : We've come to the realization that we can't afford anything beyond a minimal amount of food.
Parent 1 : We can't even heat our house anymore.
Child 1 : Can't we just borrow it from someone?
Parent 1 : There's no one to borrow it from.
Child 1 : What about selling our stuff?
Parent 2 : We thought about selling our children, but it costs money to make money.
Child 2 : But we're your children.
Child 1 : I've got a piggy bank with coins you can have that.
Parent 2 : I'm sorry, but ideas like that are only endearing on bad family sitcoms form the late 1900's. They aren't helpful, either.
Parent 1 : Our mind has been made up, the only option left is to burn down the house with you children inside, and for us to go our separate ways to start over.
Child 1 : That's the only way?
Child 2 : I don't want to be burned alive.
Parent 2 : I'm sorry, but it's the only option.
Child 2 : Who's to blame?
Child 1 : Who do we curse as we burn alive?
Parent 1 : Some say the government, some say the economy, one might even say that we're irresponsible with our money and planning. I feel like the best way we encompass all of those is by blaming God.
Parent 2 : Goodbye children.

The parents leave, the house is set ablaze, the children die cursing God. The parents walk away from the house in opposite directions after shaking hands.

Moon

It is midday, a man and a woman are outside.
Man : Merry Christmas.
He hands the woman a small package.
Woman : What? I didn't expect any-
Man : It's the moon.
Woman : The moon?
Man : That's right. I got you the moon.
Woman : Like a rock?
Man : Nope.
Woman : Or a plot of land.
Man : No. The moon. The whole thing. Every bit of it.
Woman : Don't be absurd.
Man : No. Seriously, look up. Do you see it anywhere?
Woman : Huh. It's day time. I'll be able to see it when it gets dark.
Man : Alright. Would like you to wait.

It is now nighttime.
Man : Do you see it?
Woman : No.
Man : That's because it's in that little box.
Woman : It's very dark tonight.
Man : I know.
Woman : Why did you - ?
Man : I thought that because you liked collecting things, like those little tea cups, you might wan to collect something else for a change. And there are seriously an infinite number of moons and planets, so it could be a really fun project for us to do.
Woman : Maybe I could make them into.. Christmas ornaments?
Man : Maybe.

Smelling You Closer

A man and a woman, sitting several feet apart. The man turns to the woman and deeply smells.
Woman : uh - I'm sorry?
The man turns away quickly, his face is red.
Woman : Did you just -
Man : Yes? What?
Woman : Uh- Nevermind.
The man coughs violently and subtly scoots closer to the woman. He turns and smells deeply again. The woman stands up.
Woman : You just smelled me.
Man : I'm sorry. I've got - it's this sinus thing. I can only breath through my nose if I turn my head right.
Woman : Really?
Man : I know. It sounds kind of silly.. but it's a medical condition I've delt with for years. I'm sorry if it creeped you out a little.
Woman : Well. Maybe a little. Can I ask, how does this happen?
He moves closer, excited to tell his story.
Man : Well, it happened when I was younger. You see I -
He stops talking and turns to breath deeply. It is a deep long smell.
Man : I was kicked on the left side of my face by a horse as a child.
Woman : And it caused that? How bizarre.
Man : I kind of deserved it. I was harrassing the horse a bit. Kind of a hellraiser as a child. It wasn't until I turned 15 that I realized the direction I was going. As far as I can tell, I'm the only person who this has ever happened to. Kind of an anomoly, but an interesting story to tell at parties.
The woman laughs. They look at each other.
Man : I'm Matt.
Woman : Sally.
Man : Would it be weird of me to ask you for coffee? You aren't doing anything right now are you?
Woman : Actually. I was going to go to the clinic for a check up, but I can go another day.
Man : Oh. A check up. We can meet later if you want?
Woman : Well. It's not a real checkup. I'm really just getting a presciption renewed.
Man : I see. For your depression?
Woman : For my herpes.
Man laughs. Woman just stares blankly.

Head & Ass

There are two men. One has the bottom half of a cow costume on, the other has the top.

Ass : What a day.
Head : I don't know if I can keep going.
Ass : It was unseasonably hot.
Head : It was.
Ass : And that kid kept throwing up.
Head : The mother didn't even offer to pay for the dry cleaning.
Ass : It's a different era than when we started this gig, Head.
Head : I know. It's gotten me thinking.
Ass : We're almost relics.
Head : We are relics. We're not just old. We're outdated. Kids want cartoon characters, or at least, their ripoffs for their birthday parties. Not farm animals that walk on four legs.
Ass : We're still relevant, Head. It's a matter of working harder, maybe bringing in some new moves to our rep.
Head : No. It's our costume.
Ass : I've told you. I'm not changing the costume.
Head : Well, I've been made an offer.
Ass : With who?
Head : Who do you think?
Ass : And you're considering it? I can't believe you. They are the reason we're practically out of business.
Head : They're union. I know they can provide for me.
Ass : We've been together since we were 17. We can still make money.
Head : I don't want to do this until I die. I want to relax. In this new job, I can sit at a desk and schedule appearances. I don't have to make them. Do you remember the height limit for this costume?
Ass : 5'6".
Head : And we're taller than that. There's a reason for the limit. The tear is going to catch up with us, Ass. I'd rather be comfortable than stuck in this costume when it hits me.
Ass : 40 years and you're giving up. You're going union.
Head : I've. I've got to go.
Ass takes Head's cow head and sits as Head leaves.

Poop Caper

Two people in dark clothing and ski masks enter the room. The room is an electronics repair store. Lit in the center is a laptop.

Person 1 : There it is.
Person 2 : My laptop.
Person 1 : Are you going to -
Person 2 : I - I don't know.
Person 1 : We've only got a few minutes before the security sees the alarm and calls the police.
Person 2 : I. Ok. I'll do it.
Person 1 : I'll keep watch.
Person 2 : Please don't watch me.
Person 1 : Fine.
Person 1 turns away and plays with her cell phone. Person 2 looks around unbuttons his pants and squats over the lit laptop.

The next morning.
A technician comes in and pauses midroom. Another enters and stops as well.

Technician 1 : What is that smell?
Technician 2 : I think it's coming from that area over there.
They walk over to the laptop.
Technician 1 : There's poop all over this laptop.
Technician 2 : Let's get it fixed and out of here so we don't have to smell it anymore, and never speak of this again.
Technician 1 : Agreed.

Letter from 1993

A man in his mid-twenties walks to a door. He rings it. A woman in her midtwenties answers. He takes a deep breath.

Man : Kendra?
Woman : Yes?
Man : Hi.. uh - Hello. God. This is weird.
Woman : I'm sorry?
Man : I have your letter. From a long time ago. You wrote two. And asked if I had a girlfriend. I didn't then. I do now.
The woman just stares at him.
Man : My name is Adam. We knew each other in.. 1st and 2nd grade.
Woman : Adam...?
Man : You invited me to your birthday party, I invited you to mine. We were.. boyfriend girlfriend i guess.
Woman : Adam.
Man : Right. You have an older sister. She whipped me in the face with her jumprope. Then I didn't want to be with you anymore. I mean. Not that we were together.. But, you know. I actually sat and watched "Win, Lose, or Draw" on TV with my brother and changed the opening song to be about you making me want to barf.
Woman : Oh yeah?
Man : You wrote me this letter when we were in 7th grade. We hadn't spoken for years. You asked me how I was, what school was like. You told me about your classes. You kind of wrote it as if I hadn' t remembered you. It was cute. Well, I didn't write back and you wrote again asking why I hadn't written you back. You asked if I had a girlfriend.
Woman : You had a flat top.
Man : Yes! I had a flat top and was really tan.
Woman : You moved to Ohio.
Man : Right.
Woman : Why didn't you write back?
Man : I was still in love with Sabrina then and I didn't have interest in friendship as much as I did with relationships.
Woman : In 7th grade?
Man : Yeah. I know.
Woman : So what are you doing now? I don't want you to tell me about what you did, just what you're doing.
Man : I got my degree in Theatre and then moved to Massachusetts. I work a dance festival now. Which may sound weird.
Woman : A little. Do you like it?
Man : It's alright. I'm thinking about moving on though. It's a job where a person can only stay for a little while.
Woman : Contracted?
Man : Well, no. You'd go crazy after staying there for too long. What about you?
Woman : Well, I.. I. What do I do?
Man : I'd guess that you're a teacher. You teach history.
Woman : That's right. That's what I do. I too got my college degree and I started teaching. History.
Man : And you're married.
Woman : Yes. i've been married for.
Man : Three years.
Woman : Yes. three years.
Man : And you're happy.
Woman : Very happy.
Man : And you'll stay in California until you retire. Maybe moving north before you pass away. Your husband works in engineering. He loves you. You met in the college's grocery store. You knew right away but had to wait until he realized that you'd be together too. It took about a year and a half. You're friends with April B from school too. She's the only one I remember, that wasn't a "best friend."

April B enters.

April B : Adam! Oh my god!

Right Now I Lack The Inspiration to Function

Two decadently dressed artists with long quilled pens and funny hats. One of them lays across his chair, pained.

Artist 1 : Right now, I lack the inspiration to function.
Artist 2 : Do you lack to desire to create? That is how I feel. What's the point? Why should I bother?
Artist 1 : If you stop creating will anyone care that you've stopped?
Artist 2 : I would care if you stopped. I like what you do.
Artist 1 : I like what you do.
Artist 2 : Thanks.
Artist 1 : Do you want play "Jenga"?
Artist 2 : Ok.

I've Got a Bomb

Man at the airport : I've got a bomb!
Airport Security : Put the bag down!
Man reaches into the bag.
Man at the airport : I've got a bomb!
Airport Security shoots man. A bootleg copy of Usher's new film, "In the Mix" falls from the Man at the airport's hand. He dies. The sound of laughter and horrible groaning is heard.

Family Birthday

There is a mother, a father, a son, a girlfriend, and a smarmy waiter. They sit in a restaurant.

Father : Happy birthday!
Mother : Happy birthday!
Girlfriend : Happy birthday!
Son : Ah. Thanks. guys. Really, though it's ok.

The waiter and 5 of his coworkers walk by to another table and sing happy birthday.

Girlfriend : Oh look, it's someone else's birthday, too.
Son : Please don't have them do this to me.. Please!

The waiter walks by.

Girlfriend : Hey. It's his birthday today, too.
Waiter : Oh, really?
Girlfriend : That's right. He's 25 today.
Waiter : Well, then, congratulations to you.

He reaches out his hand, smarmily. Son shakes it.

Son : uh .. thanks.

The waiter leaves.

Father : So what are you doing after dinner then?
Son : Oh- I don't know. We might see a show or something.
Mother : Have you seen March of the Penguins yet?

The waiter returns with 1 other coworker. They sing happy birthday, but aren't committed whatsoever.

Son : .. ha. ha. Thanks.
Waiter : Happy birthday!

The waiter puts down a small bowl of somewhat melted icecream and a candle that is lit. The son blows the candle out.

If None Of Us Had Arms

Two men stand with a ball and paddle sitting on the ground between them.

Man : Well. There it is.
Man 2 : Yes. Indeed, it's right there.
Man : How do you suppose -
Man 2 : It's not like you were born with arms and now you don't have any - pick it up.
Man : What are arms?
Man 2 : Take your toes and pick it up.
Man : Oh.. I don't have monkey toes, I can't do that.
Man 2 : Use your teeth then. Just bend over and pick up that ball and paddle.
Man : I guess it's my only option.

The man bends over and Man 2 kicks him from behind, the man falls over.

Man : Um. I'm stuck. Like a turtle.
Man 2 : What's a turtle?

Installation of a New Government

It's a meeting of America's leaders, meant to determine a new form of government.

Andy : Now, then, let us call this meeting to order. Business for today will be as follows, Brian?

Brian : Topic 1, a new American Government, Topic 2, discussion of foreign affairs as it pertains to the new government. Topic 3, pool party at Steve's house.

Andy : Good, right. And minutes from previous meeting?

Brian : Meeting took place last Thursday at Tom's house, where his wife made some excellent brownies. End of notes.

Andy : Is that it?

Brian : Yes. Well, there would have been more, but we were so distracted by the brownies, that we postponed last meeting to this week, to focus on the new government topic.

Andy : Oh. Right. Yes. So. Topic 1. New Government. Any suggestion?

Steve : I like Absolutist Monarchy. One person in charge, no argument about right, wrong, nobody ask to be asked. Quick decisions, beheading if it's not working. It seems like it's worked out pretty well for others.

Andy : Right, but how do we determine who gets to be King?

Brian : I'd like to be King.

Horatio : Oh me too.

Jack : That'd be fun.

Man 5 : I could rule pretty well.

Todd : What about Communism?

The room is silent and everyone looks their feet.

Todd : Aand by Communism I mean, Authoritarianism. People don't really want to think about government decisions anymore, so we can just tell them what's right and wrong.

Horatio : There could be a pretty good viral ad campaign on internet blogs saying how conservatives think it's bad. We could probably garner some support from the youth. We'd be building them from the start.

Andy : I like that. So, we've got an Absolutist Monarchy, and Authoritarianism. Anything else?

Jack : In my head I always go back to a Oligarchic society. We could pretty much depend on one group for everything. If it's not working, we change the group. We can shut up a lot of people who think they know better just by giving them a month or two in charge.

Andy : Ok then. So what we're looking at is going to be an absolute power situation.

The groups nods in agreement.

Andy : No one wants to keep things similar to how they are? No support of Democracies or Republics?

The groups looks at their shoes.

Andy : Alright, then let's put it to a vote. Brian's wife took the liberty of making up some Government Decision ballots for today.

Todd : I really like the picture of an eagle in the corner.

The groups agrees.

Andy : Good. So everyone take out a pen, write down which government you want, we'll tally the votes, and then we'll have our new government.

Irrational fear and hate

A man stands in a driveway, he smokes a cigarette, he puts it out and begins walking across the stage. Turkeys cross his path. They walk slowly, dumbly.

Man : Fuck you turkeys! I hate you.

Turkeys : Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Man : Someday turkeys, some day.

The Grass We Eat, The Lunchpales We Hit Eachother With, and the People We Love.

There is a kindergarden boy, he stands in the playground. He picks his nose briefly. He looks at the grass. He picks out some and eats it. A girl runs by with a pink lunch box.

Girl : Hahahahaha

She wallops him in the head with her lunch box. The boy falls down.

Boy : Ow!

The girl comes back to him.

Boy : Why did you do that?
Girl : Why shouldn't I do that?
Boy : Because it hurts.
Girl : But it was fun!
Boy : No. No it wasn't
Girl : Yes it was. You're a dork.

She hits him again and runs off. The boy sits and begins to cry. He stops and opens his lunch. He starts eating it. The girl comes back and sits down next to him. They eat lunch silently, together.