i'm cooking dinner

a man stands with a frying pan. in it is a piece of meat.

man : i have been standing here for ten minutes. i have no moved and i am allowing my body to conduct it's heat into this piece of meat. so far all that i have conducted is a mental survey off the good and bad ideas i have had this week.


pause.

man : number one. Saturday night, though technically Sunday because it was 3 am. instead of taking the subway to my actual stop, i purposely missed my stop and walked further back. because i was drunk i did not think it would take much longer. in fact, it did. i walked home about twenty minutes at 330 in the morning alone. the bad idea, though, didn't come until i reached my home and tried to hop up the steps.

he bends over to lift his pant leg, but he keeps the pan at the same height as he had it when he was standing. he pulls his pant leg up and reveals a large gash.

man : i fell down. i worry that because i'm not insured i may get gangrene and have to amputate, but again, because i'm not insured i'll have to do it myself.

pause.

man : i'm pausing for laughter.

pause.

man : that makes good ideas versus bad ideas one to one. on sunday night i baked cookies which is neither a good idea nor a bad idea because it involves cooking, which is something we all must do in our live; but on monday i ate most of the cookies meant for my coworkers. as someone who would someday like to think about becoming a little more health conscience, this was a bad idea. i pooped a lot that day. i don't know if it had anything to do with the cookies or that i ate lots of grapes the day before. pooping could be considered a good idea. two to two.

man : on tuesday i decided to watch the film, the illusionist. this was a bad idea. it is only wednesday and today i followed to police officers off my train and walked directly behind them and sort of in between. i pretended that i was a big star and strutted for about ten feet until they turned and walked a different way than i was going. i thought about what it would be like to steal the gun from the younger looking cop's belt, which would have been a bad idea - but i was only thinking it, and so the act of inaction makes it not an idea. following closely behind the police officers was a good idea, because if i were a celebrity being escorted through the subway system, i would have been a bit safer. celebrity is in your mind anyway.

he tries to flip the meat and it falls on the floor. he sighs.