Left Behind (a nonChristian play)

It is a tropical paradise. An airport. Gerry sleeps on a bench with a piece of luggage near his side. he wears a suit. Another man, a local named Gerardo, stands and waits. The man slowly awakens.

Gerry : What? Where - ?
Gerardo : Good morning Mr. Myers.
Gerry : Uh. Good morning. Uhm?
Gerardo : Gerardo.
Gerry : Gerardo. Good morning. My head hurts.
Gerardo : It should. You had quite an evening.
Gerry : Gerardo, where am I? Have I been kidnapped?
Gerardo : No sir. You were dropped off.
Gerry : I was flying to Spain. From England.
Gerardo : That's correct, you were.
Gerry : Then why am I here?
Gerardo : Well. You had such a good time on the plane, that the pilots thought it might be best if you were dropped off here.
Gerry : Where is here?
Gerardo : Portugal.
Gerry : Portugal? I need to be in Spain.
Gerardo : I understand, sir, but unfortunately, that can't happen.
Gerry : What? Why not? I've got family. I need to go.

He gets up to go, two police officers come on and pin him down.

Gerardo : You see, Mr. Myers, you've been dropped here because you were intoxicated on the airplane.
Gerry : In Portugal?
Gerardo : That's correct.
Gerry : Portugal isn't even en route to Spain.
Gerardo : The pilots were very angry.
Gerry : I'm not drunk anymore. I should be able to go. I'm sure I can get another flight.
Gerardo : Unfortunately, there will be no more flights for you.
Gerry : What do you mean?
Gerardo : Mr. Myers, you've been banned from flying in the E.U.
Gerry : What? For being drunk on a plane?
Gerardo : And for your actions.
Gerry : My actions?
Gerardo : You threw, uhm, how do I say this -
Gerry : Go on.
Gerardo : You started by singing Otis Redding's "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay," followed by physically and sexually assaulting one of the flight attendants.
Gerry : Oh gosh, I hope she's alright.
Gerardo : He's a bit shaken up, but he'll be alright.
Gerry : He.
Gerardo : To close your performance, you - uhm. You threw feces at the other passengers.
Gerry : What?
Gerardo : According to the accounts of the other passengers you stood up, stumbled to the bathroom and came out screaming, "Dirt clod fight." Then began to throw your business at the other passengers.
Gerry : That's a lie.
Gerardo : I wish it were, sir, but one of the passengers had a video camera and gave us the tape.

Gerardo looks to one of the police officers, they bring over a small TV. Gerry watches it, in horror.

Gerry : Oh god. I'm so embarrassed.
Gerardo : We're all embarrassed for you sir.
Gerry : So they just dropped me off, and left me for dead?
Gerardo : No. Not for dead, the Portuguese are generally nice, community oriented folk, you'll find that many of us would no sooner slit your throat than steal a goat.
Gerry : That's nice.
Gerardo : It's actually the town motto.
Gerry : What?
Gerardo : Not really. We're not as third world as your stereotype might suspect. You'll find that growing old in Portugal is one of the greatest experiences of your life.
Gerry : Growing old in - What?
Gerardo : Oh. You'll be imprisoned here for the rest of your life. Not only was your behavior reprehensible, you also called one of your "clods" a bomb. Something that no one finds funny.
Gerry : I was that drunk?
Gerardo : Indeed. So now, you'll be arraigned and sentenced to a lifelong sentence in one of our finest prisons.
Gerry : I - don't believe it.
Gerardo : Yes, Mr. Myers. It's true.
Gerry : I'll never drink again.
Gerardo : That's correct. You won't.
Gerry : Please. I don't want to go to jail. Can't you understand that drinking can change a person? We all make mistakes.
Gerardo : Well. Since I can see that you certainly feel bad about what you've done, perhaps we can be a little lenient on you and merely fine you the amount for making the plane go out of it's way and land here, delaying the landing time for everyone else.
Gerry : Really?
Gerardo : I'm sorry, no. You'll go to jail. And you'll live there forever. And you'll be forever known as the "airplane poopster," a name that's sure to make you popular with many of our inmates.

Gerardo takes out a marker and writes it on Gerry's head. The officers begin to pull Gerry away.

Gerry : Wait! What about my embassy?
Gerardo : I am your embassy. Have a lovely stay here in beautiful Portugal, sir.

The officers and Gerry are gone.

Gerardo : Alright, and now for the woman we shall call, The Breast Feeding Behemoth.

He shudders and walks off.