Wednesday, November 30, 2005

We Were Meant To Be.

Tom stands outside a nice looking middle class suburban house. There is a large oak tree in the front with branches and limbs that can be climbed. There are no lights on in the house. Tom climbs into the tree and waits.

Tom looks at his watch.

Tom : 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, aaand there.

A light on the second floor turns on. Tom pulls out a notebook and pen. A silhouette walks back and forth in front of the window as Tom describes.

Tom : November 30th, 9:30 PM - She enters her room. It is unseasonably warm, but muggy for November. Perhaps about fifty-six-no-seven degrees Fahrenheit. The wind is not blowing, and it's overcast. She enters her room at 9 :30 and turns on her light. I see her walk in front of the window toward the southwest corner of the house. As stated in earlier entries, I've come to the conclusion that ther bed is in that corner. My guess is that she wore a cardigan today, and took it off because it is more temperate in her house. She is taking extra time tonight, so perhaps she's taking off her shoes as well and putting on slippers. Tonight she's decided not to where her usual fluffy oversized slippers, but opted for something easier to move around it. The socks with pads on the bottom. It's a work-from-home night. She walks to the southeast of her room, where her desk is. She probably sits down, another light turns on, her desk lamp. She is using her computer to email her friends. She is emailing about how there aren't any good men left.

He pauses. He erases.

Tom : She is emailing about how she hasn't met the right person yet. Paranthesis, ME. The light turns off moments later. She walks past the window, she walks past again. The light turns off. She's gone.

He sits. He reflects. A light turns on in a smaller room. The bathroom.

Tom : Bathroom break . Out of respect, I will pause writing. Nobody needs to know what you do in the bathroom, Heather.

He pauses.

Tom : Tonight's the night. I'm going to talk to you. It may seem a little strange at first, but I think you'll understand. I've been sitting here every night for the past 15 years. Since grade school. I've watched your bed time go from 7 to 8 to 9 to 10 to.. well, sometimes you never come home. But that's ok. I know you like to sit in the southeast part of your room before you go to bed, and bathroom 10 minutes after you lay down an average three and a half nights a week. Though I've never seen you or met you, your prescence in my life has been profound. Your consistency has helped me through parents' divorce, remarriage, pop star deaths, bombings, 2 wars, several hamsters -

The light in the bathroom turns off, the bedroom comes on. He reopens journal and writes in it again.

Tom : At this time, I have to close this journal and take the leap. I am going to talk to her. Over the next hour, I will walk to her door. I will ring the doorbell. She'll answer. Hi, I'll say. Hello, she'll say. She always speaks better than I do. I'm Tom, you're...? Heather. I thought so. We've never met before, but I think we have a lot to say to each other. Oh? And then I'll come inside. We'll talk about sports and books and movies and music and our old teachers, our bad habits, our exes -

He stops. Erases. Continues writing.

Tom : - our bad habits, YOUR exes, everything. We'll want to rush into it, but I'll slow us down and remind us that we've got time. We've got our whole lives. We'll hold hands gently. When you start to yawn, you'll squeeze my hand with yours. I'll know, so I'll get up, grab your cardigan by accident because it looks so much like mine. You'll correct me, and we'll laugh. That'll be the moment where we both know that we were meant to be. I'll come over, put my hand on your shoulder and say goodnight. I'll kiss you on the cheek and we'll plan to meet for breakfast tomorrow. Uh -

He erases a bit.

Tom : I'll kiss HER on the cheek and we'll plan to meet for breakfast tomorrow.

He looks to the window.

Tom : It's time.

He checks the time and writes it down, he closes the notebook and puts it away. He climbs out of the tree. And looks around. He walks toward the front door. He kind of tip-toes, kind of sneaks to the door. He rings the doorbell and waits. It is a few seconds, the light in the upstairs turns off and the audience can see the progression of lights turning on and off through out the house to show a person walking from one room in a house to the front foor. The porchlight turns on. Tom turns around a bolts back to his tree.

Tom : Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

The door opens, neither the audience nor Tom can see the person standing at the door. The door closes. The light progression reverses back into the room. Tom pulls out his notebook and pen, defeated.

Tom : 9:40 PM. Heather still answers the door when I ring the doorbell and run.

The bedroom light goes off.

Tom : 9:41 PM. Heather has gone to bed. I imagine she's wearing a purple nighty and dreaming of the wonderful life ahead of her.

All the lights dim and Tom is left in the dark, watching the room.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

5 Stars & 1 Personal Pan Pizza

The Setting is a Pizza Hut
Worker - A teenager.
Rick - An obese man in his late 20's/early 30's
Lady - She has kids.

Worker : I'm sorry sir, but that coupon is not valid here.
Rick : What do you mean, it's not valid here? Can't you see my button is filled with the five stars?
Worker : Bookit Pizza coupons are only for students. You are not a student.
Rick : How do you know I'm not a student? I could be a student. I'm home schooled.
Worker : That very well may be true, sir, but unfortunately your coupon is not valid here.
Rick : You've already said that, I need a better answer - Look, I read the five books on this month's reading list, herego, I am entitled to one free personal pan pizza, for here or to go.
Worker : I'm sorry.
Rick : I read my books, and now I want my reward!
Worker : Sir, please stop yelling.
Lady : Hey, can you hurry it up? My kids are hungry!
Kid 1 to Lady : Momma'? Why is that man so fat?
Rick : Alright, look, I've come into this Pizza Hut every month for the past, I don't know... 15 years, and not ONCE have you denied me my personal pan pizza. I've gone into every other Pizza Hut in the area for that long and not once have THEY denied me. Now all of a sudden, you people - you people realize that HEY, maybe this guy isn't a student after all? Maybe we are wrong to give this man free food? Maybe he doesn't need that extra bread stick? Well, that's bullshit. Bullshit. Lady : Watch your language! I have kids in here.
Kid 2 : Bullshit bullshit bullshit.
Rick : You know what you are doing? By denying me my pizza you are discouraging me to read! How do you feel about that? Do you think Bookit! is more concerned with who gets pizza and who doesn't or just the fact that someone is reading.
Worker : I'll go talk to my manager.
The Worker walks behind the counter. He is there for a several minutes. There is a long pause.
Kid 1 : What was the last book you read?
Lady : Don't talk to that awful man.
Rick : I read "How to Lose All Your Friends," by Nancy Carlson.
Kid 1 : I read that when I was 6. I liked it a lot.
Rick : Yep. It's really good.
Worker reenters the scene.
Worker : I spoke to my manager, and we will allow you to use the coupon this one time. Unfortunately, my statement about BookIt! coupons only good for students will hold true next time. I apologize for the inconvenience and hope that you will continue to eat at Pizza Hut, coupons or not.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Sunshine On A Rainy Day

Man : I wish it would snow today.
Woman : It's the middle of the summer.
Man : Yeah, well. It'd be nice to see some snow.
Woman : I wonder how long it'll take before the clouds move away and show the sun again.
Man : Probably overnight.
Woman : I think I might just sit here and wait.
Man : I might go and buy some sunglasses.
Woman : I thought you had some?
Man : I do. But I could use a different pair.
Woman : Alright then.
Man : Well, See you later.
Woman : Goodbye.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Forwards/Backwards Palindrome Play: Ring

1 : Ok.
2 : How are you?
1 : I'm fine.
2 : You're ok.
1 : I'm ok.
2 : Did you talk to Mary about the -
3 : Do you guys need the taxi?
2 : Ring?
3 : (As if he understands 1 is upset about something.) Do you guys need the taxi?
2 : (Worried.) Did you talk to Mary about the -
1 : (Interrupting.) I'm ok!
2 : You're ok?
1 : ... I'm fine.
2 : (As if to say, "but really, how are you?")... How are you?
1 : (No better, no worse, but just:) Ok.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Show Me A Man

Rich : Show me a man who you could nail his feet to the ground, and I'll show you my uncle Roger.
There is a pause.
Rich : Because he's tough.
Jim laughs slightly, almost patronizing.
Rich : His entire life, he's told me only one thing.
Jim : To think less and make bad "Show me a man" statements?
Rich : ..and that's to never take no for an answer.
Jim : Is that how you ended up in jail?
Rich : I ended up in jail because she was 15.

Friday, November 25, 2005

I'm the princess, you're the robot

Girl : ..And you say, "Yes, Princess!"
Boy : Yes, Princess!
Girl : An bow!
Boy : Robots don't bow, they beep.
Girl : Everyone bows to the princess!
Boy : Beep.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Gobble, Gobble.

There are two men, one is in a car, the other a toll booth. It is the off-ramp of the Massachusetts Turnpike in the exits that are free.

Man in Car hands toll ticket to Man in Booth

Man in Booth : Gobble, gobble.
Man in Car : Hel-mmm-hh-tha..nks.

They stare at each other for a moment, Man in car drives away.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Lunch Meat Expectations

There is a guy and his deli sandwich. The guy stands at least five feet from the sandwich. The sandwich sits on a small circular table.

Sandwich : I am a deli sandwich.
Guy : What? Hello?
Sandwich : I am made of lunch meats.
Guy : You. The sandwich, it's you.
Sandwich : I have 3 different condiments inside me.
Guy : I can't believe this, the sandwich is talking.
Sandwich : I taste good.
Guy : Are you- Are you sent from the heavens?
Sandwich : I am a deli sandwich.
Guy : God? Please, give me answers to life.
Sandwich : I am made of lunch meats.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Rays of Sunshine

setting : a convention for people named Ray; the greeter's table on which nametags with numbers instead of names sit.

1 stands at the table, 2 enters.

1 : Welcome!
2 : Thank you.
1 : Here is your name badge, you just walk on through that door.
2 : ..it's a number?
1 : Why yes. Since we are all named Ray, we tought it might be easier to identify each other with numbers. I'm number 1, and you are number... 6.
2 : I'm the sixth the person to get here?
1 : Hm. I guess you are!
3 & 4 enter.
1 : Welcome.. 7 and 8!
3 : Hello.
4 : How are ya?
1 : It's a lovely day to make new friends.
2. : .. but if I'm number 6, am I no longer Ray?
1 : We're all Ray, but here you are number 6.
3 : We're from Wisconsin, where are you all from?
1 : I'm a local, from born and raised right here in the town of Oregon.
2 : I'm from Iowa.
4 : That's fantastic.. numbers 1 and 6? Where are 2 through 5?
1 : They're already inside.
3 : Shall we than?
3 & 4 exit.
1 : Don't you want to enter also? There's punch and cookies.
2 : Well, no.. I.. Don't feel entirely comfortable going in quite yet.
1 : No?

Monday, November 21, 2005

12th Coke Bottle

Man : ...If I can't have you than I don't want anyone else.
Woman : Huh. I just won a free Coke.
Man : You're not listening to me.
Woman : I'm sorry. I was, really. But I got a free Coke, too.
Man : I love you.
Woman : Hey, I gotta go, I'm kind of thirsty. Do you want to go with me to the store? Maybe you'll win too.
Man : No. -..yeah. Ok.
Woman : Let's take your car.