pways aw much cutew when theyw aw no aws or ehws.

two old men sitting in rocking chairs.

richard : i wemembew when i was wittew.
sam : wittle?
richard : vewy wittew.
sam : how wittew.
richard : oh. maybe twewve.
sam : i was twelwve once too.
richard : thewe was a giwl i woved. hew name was sawah. it seems siwwy to think you wove someone that young, but i knew she was fow me.
sam : and was she?
richard : fow one gwowious weekend.
sam : oh?
richard : i had a cwush on hew from the moment i saw hew. sawah was bwonde, thin, and had bwew eyes. she wit up a woom with hew smiwe. it sounds cwiche, but that's what she did awways.
sam : she sounds wondewfuw.
richard : she was. i was too shy to ask hew to be my gewfwiend, but hew fwend, jessica, asked me fow hew. she was my fiwst gewfwiend. it was the end of the schoow yeaw and she gave me hew phone numbew. i was too afwaid to caww aw summew. it was siwwy. all the times i would caww and hang up the phone. when we got back to schoow i asked hew if she was stiww my gewfwend and she said, "suwe, i didn't know we wewe stiww togethew ovew the summew, so i had anothew boyfwiend, is that ok?" and i was so enamowed with hew that i said, "ok." and then after we tawked and wistened to music on the wadio once ow twice, she bwoke up with me. it was two days. but it was wondewful.
sam : even for two days?
richard : yes, she was that sweet. and i was that sweet on hew.
sam : did you tawk aftew that? aftew you bwoke up?
richard : no. she moved away. but then moved back. and then dated one of my neighbows. she got kind of woose, if you know what i'm saying. then she moved away again.
sam : that's too bad.
richard : i wish i knew what happened to hew.
sam : it's bettew that you don't.
richard : why is that?
sam : i'm not suwe, but it seems wike it would be bettew.
richard : i guess as we get owder and fowget things, this is a memowy, i'm happy to fowget like this instead of a saddew one.
sam : twue. it makes it easiew to wet go of.
richard : i wondew if she feews the same way.

the end.

vikings!

a viking, with another viking.

viking 1 : i feel like my face always has blood on it.
viking 2 : so..?
viking 1: i'm a vegetarian.
viking 2 : yeah. i eat fish.
viking 1 : don't you ever feel like people think you're a cannibal with blood on your face?
viking 2 : no.
viking 1 : oh. i do.
viking 2 : that's weird.
viking 1 : no, what's weird is setting john erickson on fire and pushing him out on a boat.
viking 2 : that's culture. that. is. culture.
viking 1 : oh.
viking 2 : it's kind of epic, too.
viking 1 : i imagine anyone who dies after us will want to be cast off into death like we do it for our friends and family.
viking 2 : because it's epic?
viking 1 : yeah. because it's epic.
viking 2 : yeah.

they stare off.
the end.

sleeping on the floor.

a couch with a man and woman on it. two men on the floor. it is nighttime.

john : evil dead is such a great movie. i told you you'd like it.
scott : i know. always hilarious. i'm always a little sickened about the hand to chainsaw part, but still find it hilarious.
john : seriously.

pause.

john : what about you dan? sarah?

pause.

john : guys?

pause.

scott (whispered) : i think they're -
john (whispered) : shup up! no! on my couch?
scott (whispered) : does he think we're asleep?
john (whispered) : maybe he doesn't care...

from now on, everything is whispered. it's tiring to write "(whispered)" over and over again.

scott : it's kind of funny. and awesome that he's confident enough to do that here.
john : god. but - they'll probably break up soon anyway.
scott : so.
john : is it really worth getting head in front of your friends when you're going to break up in a month or two?
scott : well - no... but are you getting it right now?
john : well, scott....

pause..

john : i'm kidding.
scott : oh good. i mean - people talk - but i didn't think-
john : are you serious?
scott : well, i mean - no one has ever seen you with a girl, john.
john : there just hasn't been one i like.
scott : yeah, but you don't even talk about women like that either. i'm sorry.. i'm just telling you what i've heard.
john : no. no! girls, man. i like girls.
scott : ok. but give me something to go on, when was the last girl you had?
john : i - there isn't one.
scott : not one?
john : no.

pause.

scott : are you sure you're n-
john : stop it man! no! i like women.
scott : ok, fine. and there's no one you're at least mildly interested in?
john : well, there's this girl at the office supplies store.
scott : yeah?
john : she's kinda hot. she's a little, uh, round, but has huge breasts. i wanna - well you know.
scott : oh yeah. that's hot. you should get that.
john : yeah. i don't know. we're friends. i'd hate to -
scott : yeah friends is hard.
john : and it's work.
scott : yeah, i don't have a job.
john : work is almost like family.
scott : oh - that's disgusting john.
john : i mean, like a family you can sleep with - but you worry if you do - you'll become an outcast like a- drunk gay uncle.
scott : i got it.

pause.

scott : you should just get her drunk enough to pass out.
john : i've thought about it.

pause.

john : dan?

pause.

john : dan?
the end.

gaps in history

woman : i have to go.
man : what?
woman : i need to -

darkness.

the woman has gone. the lights rise again.

man : what? where - ...

darkness.

the woman is back. the lights rise again.

man : where did you go?
woman : i told you where i was going.
man : no you didn't you said -

darkness. the man is gone. the lights rise.

woman : i told you i was going away. but maybe you didn't listen. i need to go. away from you. it's time to go.

darkness. the woman is gone the man is back.

man : what? where?

he looks around.
the end.

i'm cooking dinner

a man stands with a frying pan. in it is a piece of meat.

man : i have been standing here for ten minutes. i have no moved and i am allowing my body to conduct it's heat into this piece of meat. so far all that i have conducted is a mental survey off the good and bad ideas i have had this week.


pause.

man : number one. Saturday night, though technically Sunday because it was 3 am. instead of taking the subway to my actual stop, i purposely missed my stop and walked further back. because i was drunk i did not think it would take much longer. in fact, it did. i walked home about twenty minutes at 330 in the morning alone. the bad idea, though, didn't come until i reached my home and tried to hop up the steps.

he bends over to lift his pant leg, but he keeps the pan at the same height as he had it when he was standing. he pulls his pant leg up and reveals a large gash.

man : i fell down. i worry that because i'm not insured i may get gangrene and have to amputate, but again, because i'm not insured i'll have to do it myself.

pause.

man : i'm pausing for laughter.

pause.

man : that makes good ideas versus bad ideas one to one. on sunday night i baked cookies which is neither a good idea nor a bad idea because it involves cooking, which is something we all must do in our live; but on monday i ate most of the cookies meant for my coworkers. as someone who would someday like to think about becoming a little more health conscience, this was a bad idea. i pooped a lot that day. i don't know if it had anything to do with the cookies or that i ate lots of grapes the day before. pooping could be considered a good idea. two to two.

man : on tuesday i decided to watch the film, the illusionist. this was a bad idea. it is only wednesday and today i followed to police officers off my train and walked directly behind them and sort of in between. i pretended that i was a big star and strutted for about ten feet until they turned and walked a different way than i was going. i thought about what it would be like to steal the gun from the younger looking cop's belt, which would have been a bad idea - but i was only thinking it, and so the act of inaction makes it not an idea. following closely behind the police officers was a good idea, because if i were a celebrity being escorted through the subway system, i would have been a bit safer. celebrity is in your mind anyway.

he tries to flip the meat and it falls on the floor. he sighs.

answering machine

jim sits in front of answering machine. he presses a button.

jim : hello, you have reached jim waterbee, i'm not home right now, please leave a message.

he lets go and listens to the recording. he fingers the ring on his ring finger. he presses the button again.

jim : hello, you've reach the home of the waterbees, please leave a message.

he lets go. he starts to listen but presses the button right after "waterbees."

jim : hi it's jim - i'm doing alright hope you are too - leave a message.

he lets go. he listens he pressed the button.

jim : hi it's jim if you're looking for susie, carl or jane - they have a different phone number now - it is 555-2601.

he lets go. he presses a different button.

machine : please leave a message after the tone.

it beeps. he gets up and walks away.

rosemary/look the other way

a beautiful woman on one side, a man with a burglar mask digging through and counting a bag with a money sign on it on the other. man with a cell phone in his hand in the center.

man : wh-what are you doing over there?
burglar : nothing! leave me alone?
man : no, you're stealing that big bag of money, aren't you?
burglar : no, leave me alone.

the woman, who has been watching, falls down.

woman : oh! excuse me, could you help me up?
man : i-i guess.
woman : thank you. i'm so busty i couldn't help but trip and fall. top heavy, you know?
man : oh - i'm sorry i have to -
woman : you know, you look a lot like a celebrity, i can't think of who though, do you get that a lot?
man : no,

he steps toward the burglar. lifting his cell phone.

man : you there, stop or i'm calling the police.
burglar : i swear to god man, if you don't leave me alone.

the woman takes off her shirt or drops her top so her breasts are showing.

woman : oops! excuse me? could you help me. it seems my breasts are showing.

the man turns around.

woman : my large, completely natural, perky breasts.

[she pauses]

woman : with glorious nipples.

man : yeah i'm...

he helps the woman fix her dress or put her shirt on.

woman : thanks, it's not often someone helps you dress. you have soft hands.

she puts her face in his hands, she is between him and the burglar. he looks to the burglar.

man : sir! if you don't stop, i will take the cell phone in my pocket here and call the police. i am not responsible for the actions you have chosen to enact!
burglar : oh that's it!
woman : i feel like i can really talk to you, but i don't want to. i just want to give you a blow job.

the burglar stands up, starts to pull out a gun.
the woman starts to unbuckle his pants.
the man pulls out his cell phone.

the end.

diamonds and guns, 2095.

a radio play

the sound a phone ringing.

woman's voice : hello, ebay.
man's voice : hi, this is richard.
woman : hi richard, what can ebay sell for you today?
man : i'd like to post something to sell.
woman : it's very simple to post online, simply go to w-w-w-dot-e-b-a-y-dot-c-o-m. or do an internet search for ebay. you'll click the link that says "new account," fill out the pertinent info - then click the button that says sell item. are you following me?
man : right, but -
woman : hold on. so after you've clicked that link to take you to sell an item, type in the description of what you're selling and then post it. you'll be charged a nominal fee, do you have a picture of what you're selling?
man : well, sort of, but -
woman : well it's easy to post a picture, too. there's a place for you upload a small thumbnail sized picture of it, as long as it's a jay-pee-gee. is there anything else i can help you with?
man : yes.
woman : and that is?
man : i appreciate the information you've given me, i really do. but what i'm selling isn't exactly that tangible and i'm not exactly able to go on the internet to post it.
woman : what do you mean? are you trying to sell a religion - sir ebay does not allow the sales of religion, ideas, feelings or body parts and fluids.
man : no! it's none of those things. it's a webpage.
woman : a webpage? just describe the site and maybe make a nice graphic to put on it to say something like, you could call this home, page. haha, i liked that. you can keep that and not even pay me royalties.
man : well, thank you - but it's not control of the website, it's an original webpage.
woman : what do you mean?
man : it's the white house's first home page.
woman : sir, i can access the white house's first home page from right here. in fact, as i said that i've found about thirty-three thousand websites with that information.
man : no - i know that, but this is the original homepage. it was loaded and never refreshed or changed.
woman : what do you mean?
man : a hundred years ago, my grandfather turned on his computer at his home and loaded the white house's homepage - but he didn't know how to change the page, so he left it. a hundred years later, no one has refreshed the page, moved the computer, or done anything. i have an original. an original white house. and original feedback at the whitehouse dot gov.
woman : and you want to sell this?
man : it's got to be worth something.
woman : but what about shipping?
man : that's the thing... it can't be shipped.
woman : so it's an idea.
man: no, it's not an idea.. it simply can't be shipped. it's an old computer and there's no battery, if i unplug it, then it turns off. it's more of an installation. the purchaser is welcome to come by and show it off whenever he or she pleases. i'll even give him or her a key.
woman : why not just sell your house?
man : sorry, it's been in my family for so long i can't bear to sell it.
woman : i'm sorry, i'm not sure that's something you can sell. all of the items on ebay are actual items that can be transported from one place to another.
man : would it be alright if i put a disclaimer saying, if you want to transport this item, it is your responsibility to find a way to unplug and replug a computer with out it losing it's power?
woman : i guess, but this item really falls under ideas. i don't think it's an inherently tangible item that could be purchased.
man : i see. but it's a hundred years old. you can't find it anywhere, the original load of a government page?
woman : i'm sorry, we can't sell it. why not sell the computer as an antique?
man : and lose the white house page?! it is original artwork and a piece of history - i should be able to sell it.
woman : i'm sorry - i can't help you.
man : how about -
woman : sir - i can't help you -
man : but -
woman : sir.
man : i'm going to try anyway -
woman : fine. thank you for calling ebay.

the sound of a phone hanging up.

offspring to action

a petri dish, an old man.

old man : i got mugged. go get him. help me. i'm old and too tired to run around. take care of it. you're my child. go on. do it. i got mugged! i'm scared. you're ungrateful. you don't love me. i shouldn't have spoiled you.

the end.

my first love song

hi. this is a play only for you. i asked you to come tonight and gave you a comp ticket to the show and asked some people to hang out for a little while only for you. but if you look in today's paper tonight's show isn't listed. look -

[she pulls out a newspaper, opens it to the theater section]

nowhere. but that's ok, right? i mean, this play? it's for you. i went to all the trouble here, because this is the only place maybe i feel confident or like i can hear my own voice. i'm like those people in how's your news - i know we make fun of them a lot, but the last song they put on their website, the one we never listen to because the beginning sounds like a sneeze, that's the guy they talk about toward the beginning of the project. he never spoke up or anything, but when he had a microphone he spoke up. people could hear him, he would go to people and ask, how's your news... hence the name, did you read that part too? it doesn't really matter i guess. but really what i'm saying is... .... ... i'm like a disabled man with a wheelchair... right?

god.

you get my point, right?

[pause]

you can answer, you're the only one here. nobody else is coming.

[pause]

maybe i can't hear you.

[pause]

maybe you won't speak up. it's moot anyway. i think, since we met, i've had this fantasy that we would get drunk at a party and maybe as we hugged goodbye, even though touching another person would be very unlike you, our noses would smells each other and lead us until our lips brushed each other into the most natural, mutual warm kiss. even if just for a second. but maybe i would rest my forehead here the bridge of your nose meets your eyebrow. i'm sorry! i'm kidding! eyebrows! and we would breath heavy, moist breaths onto each other. catching them more out of thrill than actually being out of breath.

[pause]

do you remember when we met? we were out of breath then, too. it was so cold and the air was so thin that maybe even walking up a stairway to a party tightened up our lungs. you, taller than me, me, shorter than you and together unknowing but probably a puzzle of kittens playing waiting to be put together. todd's party. god, todd. what a generic name. i think we went home with strangers - separately of course, we weren't that drunk. you stayed away from me at first. eventually we were introduced. we talked about music or movies or public transportation - hey, that's what people do here right? so i've heard. from the radio.

[pause]

and instead of kissing again we say simple words. even make casual conversation.

[pause]

but we talked only briefly. didn't exchange numbers. and you went home with someone else. which was fine because i wasn't that into you yet.

[pause]

are you with me, still? i know i keep jumping back and forth.

[pause]

we talk about music or records or public transportation.

[pause]

but that night, i hadn't seen you talking much too her. i watched you. yeah, because i wanted to be your friend. i just wan't necessarily attracted.

[less of a pause, and interupted pause]

and we'd go home together... because i have feelings for you.

[pause]

god. i can't even see your reaction or where you're even sitting. nobody told me anything before i started. can i get some house lights please?

[the house lights rise, but the stage lights lower to black, in her own darkness she leaves, the end.]

i tell you what i'm gonna do/nothing is as important as your relationship with your parents

a young girl runs into a living room. it's a classic fifties style living room with an old tv and a rocking chair with a father smoking a pipe and reading a paper. she is crying.

girl : father, father! sally next door told me that god doesn't exist and then that anyone who believes it was a [whispered] jewish kike!

father : well, margaret, i can tell you with one hundred percent assurance that her statement isn't entirely false. jews do believe in god. sure, it may be a more inferior, weaker god without the powers a christian god has, but they do believe in a god nonetheless. perhaps sally was just ed-

girl : but then she pushed me.

father : physical violence against my only girl?

girl : yes!

father : well that i can't stand for [he folds his paper and stands up]. i'll tell you what i'm going to do, sweetheart.

girl : what?

father : i'm going to walk right over there, and take her little pretty hair and rip it out of head like a doll's. then while she's crying, i'll burn in a small room with her in it, so then she'll have the painful bloody scalp and the smell of her own hair burning to boot. then i'll take my finger and -

girl : daddy?!

father : hold on sweetie, daddy's going to take care of this girl - so i will take my finger - this one [he holds up his ring finger] - and i'll jam out her right eye with it. i'll scoop out her eyeball and then cover it in hamburger like one of mom's delicious meatballs and make her eat a whole bowl of spaghetti and meatballs - but not that day, when she least expects and chomp! a squishy eyeball. it's not canibalism if you eat your own body parts - but you know what that's called?

the girl is now on her knees, pale, staring up in horror at her father.

father : family. hopefully she'll realize that in this world, the one in which we live - that you don't hassle a person's family member. it's just not right. and the other eye -

girl : daddy, what about the other eye?

father : i'm getting there, be patient. the other eye, i'll leave alone. so she can watch me tell her parents what she's done - and as i walk toward her parents, i'll kick her in the face. are you familiar with the phrase "teeth to the curb," margaret? nevermind.

girl : daddy, why?

father : you see margaret, in today's world, we're all little piglets at a mother pigs teat. if you don't take something when it's available, someone else will, so that's why i'm teaching you this lesson. i'm going to do all those things to sally next door before someone else does it to her first.

girl : daddy, no!

father : no? you don't want me to get back at sally for what she's done to you?

girl [shivering]: no. i don't.

father : well, alright then. that's all you had to say. you didn't want me to fix the problem, just listen to what it was. so go ahead, honey, what's the problem.

girl : n-nothing daddy.

father : well alright then, just remember take it while you can, because someone else will if you don't - and if someone else takes it before you find a way to poison or kill them so then you can have it instead. yeah?

girl : o-ok.

father : i want a tuna melt.
the end.

like margarine rubbed all over my body.

a person with a loaf of bread and a tub of margarine or butter. a pedestal with a toaster or toaster oven on it. he puts two slices of bread in the toaster or toaster oven and starts the timer. he removes all of his clothing (naked!) and opens the tub of butter. he rubs the butter all over his body until the toaster is finished toasting the bread.

person (to audience) : would you? could you? will you? what if i told you i were clean?

he stands, waiting for someone to do it.

here we stand

1: waiting.
2: here we stand.
1: waiting.
2: here we stand.
1 and 2: here we stand and waiting.
1: here we stand.
2: i love that song.
1: what song?
2: the one we're quoting.
1: i'm sorry - i don't -
2: he's pretty indie.
1: indie?
2: indie rock - though he's more of an almagamation of prince and michael jackson and justin timberlake with a bit of performance art thrown in there.
1: uh - i don't know what you're talking about.
2: and actually the lyric goes "Here we stand, here we stand, here we wait and stand here we wait and stand." but i picked up what you were saying.
1: i have no idea.
2: yeah. me "neither." "no" idea. i'll just stand here and think about stuff that's ironic then.
1: what?

the end.

a great metal protector/news conference about the war

a podium, a man in a suit and an american flag lapel pin walks out. something his coat pocket bulges and weighs it down a bit.

man : hel-hello, ladies and gentleman. thank you for coming. today, i'm here to talk about our newest technology for fighting our enemies, who are currently located in the middle east, but might possible spread to the far east, or some choice european countries and in many years, will go south to africa, even though we've been trying to forget about that place - it's huge.

he clears his throat.

man : excuse me.

he clears his throat again. he drinks an entire glass of water.

man : what i have on my person, is the future. the future of defensive and offensive warfare. for several years, private funders have been experimenting with various forms of metal to figure out the most indestructible, and they tell me it's what i've got here in my pocket.

he pulls out a cube of metal.

man : this is new metal. that's not it's name, and you'll probably have the name of this metal in a pack under your seat - yeah - right behind the autographed picture - you're welcome. yeah, that's the one just one sheet with really big letters on it -

he drops the cube of metal on the floor, it makes a loud bang.

man : see what i did there? i surprised you. i distracted you by making you look in those envelopes and with pictures of myself and then -

he picks up the metal cube and drops it again.

man : yeah! and that's what i'm talking about! make big cubes with soldiers inside and drop them from airplanes onto our enemies. completely by surprise. the airplanes will have to be what, 300 hundred feet in the air? total secrecy. and even better, the metal is so strong and like they'll be impossible to penetrate or break into because there's no entrance, casualties of war will decrease a lot. i expect there won't be any dead soldiers after we institute this.

he picks up the cube and looks at it.


man : let me show you again. pretend my hand and wrist is the airplane holding the big metal cube and the metal cube is a scale version ofthe actual cube which will hold about 8 or 11 soldiers and from at least three hun- 500 fe-

he accidentally drops the cube.

man : oh. jeez. that wasn't supposed to happen. but hey! hey! if that were to happen, which it won't the cube is designed like an egg drop - that's what inspired this, an egg drop from my kid's science class. i was thinking on the bottom, we might increase troop morale by letting them paint the bottom whatever they want, like a US flag, or a bull's eye. wouldn't that be fun? knowing you were the one who made the last thing the enemy saw. yeah.

he pause.

man : it's called the giant metal cube.

semicolons are for showoffs

two people.

jimmy : mikey! mikey!

mikey runs on stage.

mikey : what?
jimmy : look at this!

jimmy pulls up his shirt and does that wave thing with his stomach.

mikey : that's great; waving your stomach is a talent.
jimmy : i kno-

jimmy pauses.

jimmy : how many periods were in that sentence you just spoke.
mikey : i guess, if i were to write it out, it would have just one.
jimmy : but between great and waving?
mikey : i guess that would be a semicolon; a semicolon decreases period use and costs more in ink.
jimmy : oh.

jimmy pulls his shirt up again and does the wave; he does it halfheartedly.

mikey : that's really great, jimmy. really.

jimmy lets his shirt fall over his stomach. he looks at the ground.

removing one's pants/nyc

a man in pants stands on stage.

a woman's soothing voice : the time is now eleven fifty nine, one minute until bedtime.

the man unbuckles his pants. he begins to pull them down.

a shrill woman voice : i can see you!

he freezes and then buckles his pants again.

man : sorry! sorry!

he walks toward the stage left, a wall appears. he nods his head as if to say, "oh yes, a wall resides there." he walks stage right, another wall. he heads upstage, a wall appears, as if from no where. there is nowhere to go except through the fourth wall. he tries to hide in the up stage left corner. facing the walls, he begins to remove his pants again.

a man's voice : i can see you! i can see you!
man : sorry! i'm sorry!

he zips up again. he stands looks around, annoyed. he realizes something, he walks to the wall and flicks a light switch. the lights go out. he gives a vocal sigh of relief. he can be heard fiddling with his pants to remove them. several flashlights shine on stage looking for him, after a moment they find him.

several voices : i can see you! i can see you! i can see you!

with his pants halfway off he freezes and pulls the up quickly. he is annoyed. he walks downstage, to the very edge and pulls his pants down. the end.

like sulfur in a gas mask/it'll never happen between us

two people in a small rectangle.

man : of all the people in the world -
woman : oh don't be so cliche.
man : no you don't be so cliche by calling me cliche.
woman : you're so boring. be more interesting.
man : i'm sorry?
woman : you know - tell me something interesting.
man : i - don't know. i was 13 when i had my first kiss.
woman : i was 12, why are you thinking about kissing?
man : i'm a man, you're a woman, isn't it was i'm bound to think of?
woman : see? there you are again, "i'm a man, you're a woman," that's not a very interesting way to say it.
man : how should i say it, then? since you're the profe-
woman : oh just stop! clearly you don't know who you are, since you feel the need to throw around repeated, cliched phrases.
man : oh?
woman : yeah.

the man looks at her and says nothing.

woman : look, i'm sorry - we're in this box and maybe it's just making me a little more honest.
man : a little more direct.
woman : and i'm - uh..
man : what?
woman : nevermind.
man : no - what.
woman : nevermind, it's gone.
man : fine.
woman : so, kissing.
man : what is tha-
woman : i had a potato, alright?

the stein/the loss of purpose

a dark cave, a man - obviously evil - stalks back a fourth, the jingle of glass with each step. behind him, dimly lit are rows and rows of beer mugs. his name is herman.

herman : all the mugs are mine!

he laughs an evil laugh.

herman : every glass, mug, pint mine!

he laughs again. a man, named robbie, enters. he wears a cape, but is otherwise dressed in normal street clothing appropriate for the current trend.

robbie : herman! give me back my glasses. give me back the world's glasses.
herman : never! i will never give you back these glasses.
robbie : but how, herman - how will i and the people - all the people - drink our beer? our wonderful hoppy, or not hoppy, or dark, or nonalcoholic beer with out those glasses? we need them, herman. give them back to me.
herman : robbie is it? i don't think you understand - beer and beer drinking and beer battered food is evil.
robbie : evil? you're calling beer evil? you're evil, herman!
herman : i'm evil? it's not me who is evil, robbie. let me tell you a little st-

he is interrupted by a man and woman from a generation previous storming on stage. they are in a different plain.

herman senior : we're arguing! we're arguing! we're arguing!
clara : we're arguing! i'm yelling! you're yelling!

herman senior pulls out a beer. he holds it up to his face.

herman senior : i'm drinking beer! beer! beer! beer!
clara : i'm telling you that you have a problem and that it is possible that i could leave, i probably won't! that's what i'm telling you! i'm telling you i could leave you! but you can't hear me over your -
herman senior : that's it! i'm full of rage and i'm abusing you!

he slaps her. immediately after the slap, the drop character and walk off the stage.

robbie : but herman - beer didn't do that - a poor family structure with parents from difference racial backgrounds did.
herman : what do you mean, they're both white.
robbie : but they weren't both historically irish or african or chinese. look - beer is a wonderful thing. it doesn't lead to things like abuse and anger - it leads to -

a young robbie enters quickly kissing a young madeleine, with lips pressed together.

madeleine : rob, you're so handsome.
young robbie : madaleine, you are the petals of a flower, beautiful from afar, sweet smelling, and thick-skinned and milky to the touch.
madeleine : oh rob, you're so charming.
young robbie : madeleine, let's drink a beer.
madeleine : ok.

the abruptly stop kissing, young robbie pulls out two beers from somewhere, anywhere, and they drink them. the collegiate term to describe how quickly they drink the beer would be called "slamming" or "pounding" the beer. once finished they look at each other and slam faces together again. she begins to remove her shirt and pants - once the shirt is unbottoned or off and her pants are at her ankles, they stop abruptly. she pulls her pants up, buttons or pulls on her shirt, and they walk off stage quickly.

robbie : beer - is joyous. and i'm not afraid to defeat you in hand-to-hand combat to prove it to you, herman. the people need to drink their beer and i'm not afraid to -
herman : stop me? i dare you to try.

robbie undoes his cape and let's it fall to the ground. they run toward each other screaming. they "hugfight" where they merely hug each other and roll around on the floor struggling for power. another man, oswald, runs on with a beer stein in his hand.

oswald : robbie! robbie! stop! look at this! steiner, the german porcelain doll maker just gave me this! it's like a glass mug, but made of porcelain, which is clay! he said his friend the german wood carver and his other friend the german pewter sculptor made them - but look.

he swings his arm around.

oswald : nothing spilled. i have my beer in here! it's called a stein! no more glass! let's go!

oswald runs off. robbie and herman lay on the floor, hugging still.

herman : well, i guess that...
robbie : settles that.

they sit up and start paying with rocks on the floor. robbie lets out a long sigh. herman looks and gives an agreeable -

herman : hm.

and he nods his head.

herman senior

it'll all work out/a classic struggle

man on a toilet : i love meat!

he sits. he reads a magazine. he pushes. he stops. he reads. he holds onto something. he pushes. he stops. he reads. he rocks, slightly. he rocks, harder. he has the most uncomfortable face a person has seen. he rocks hard, violently - his back slams against the back of the toilet, his chest his knees. he screams and continues.

man on a toilet : yes! yes! yes! yes!

he's out breath. he stops. he drops the now crinkled magazine and pulls his pants on, disappointed. sweaty. he starts to wash his hands - he puts his hand on his stomach and lowers his head. his face says, "oh.. god." he pulls his pants down and sits again, panting, with his head in his hands

optimism.

person : i'm going to sit here and you're going to sit there.

he sits down and waits.

the end.

all the pretty girls go to the city.

several attractive women, posing as if they were having their photos taken. they don't acknowledge each other, nor are their poses ridiculous. it is quite possible that it has a rhythm to it.

voice : you. in the red. you will get cancer and die. you smoke. and the orange, you will act in a movie with fire and the fire will burn you. and yellow, i'm going to think about you every night before i go to bed until someone i find more attractive comes along.

another voice [screaming] : you fucking cunts! you're the reason i'm fat! you give me such low confidence that i can't be like you! it's your fault. eat a fucking twinkie!

a third voice : hi. uh.. wow, i can't believe i'm - god - what am i doing? you're not - i'm sorry i didn't know what i was thinking. someone who looks like you would never -.

fourth voice [screaming] : you fucking cunts! you're the reason i'm skinny! you give me such low confidence that i aspire to be like you! it's your fault! eat a fucking twinkie!

fifth voice : you. are... so interesting. i mean, i would have never expected someone as beautiful - i'm sorry this is going to sound so ignorant, but i can't help this stereotype sometimes. i wouldn't never expect someone as incredible looking as you to be interested in something like pi. how far have you memorized again, up to the 100th decimal point. say them again, please.

sixth voice : i just don't buy into it. you serve a purpose to sell something. a movie, a rapper, any type of product i can spend money on. yeah, you represent what people think they should look like.. but, honestly, you look a little unhealthy and you only serve as a reminder to be healthy. so you succeed, but you also fail a little. i'd shrug, but you can't see me. because i'm backstage.

the women all take a donut from someplace hidden.

fith voice : i'll start you off, three point...
all (while chewing on donuts): 1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679.

stuck in a barrel of water

a woman, fully dressed. she stands in a barrel full of water.

woman : i'm not cold! it's ok! it's not cold. it's kind of nice, actually. standing in this barrel of water. that's what i'm standing in, if you're not close enough to see. here's some water, see?

she flicks some out.

woman : i've always liked water, swimming and things. drinking it. that's good too. once i swam in the ocean and the fish swam around my feet. it was pretty. another time i swam and grabbed this kid's ankles and he said, the fishies are tickling me! then i had a good laugh about it with my other friend. we weren't nice. hey!

hey! i'm in a barrel filled with water! at some point in my life i remember filling a water gun with bleach and water, more bleach than than water, though, and shooting it at people. i laughed like it was really water and acted confused when they went blind. i was at least 19. another time i pushed my friend of a high pier into the ocean because it was funny. she broke something or sprained something. but it was funny. i laughed a lot. i love to laugh. do you?

hey! i'm in a barrel filled with water and i can't seem to get out. i love baths. once, my brother and i were taking a bath when we were little and i peed in the bathtub. then i got out while he stayed in the bath for another 10 minutes. haha! funny, right?

the end.

you can't ignore my techno.

person : i saw the face. of someone. i saw the face of someone who was smiling. he had white, straight teeth. he had a goatee. his hair was thinning, but he was old enough for you to know that he wasn't going to go bald unless he made it to his late nineties. the photo was black and white. it was a photo - i guess I should mention. i can't lie. much more exciting if i lie. the reason i say anything about it being black and white is because i think he was tan. his face looked dark, he was white, but his face looked tannish. he is kind of famous. his face was oval. he looked like he could be fat, but was more burly, or stout. his stomach wouldn't be defined like someone who exercises and eats right, but his stomach wouldn't jiggle if he flicked it while laying on the bed. like marlon brando before he was fat and incomprehensible. he makes me want to call someone i care deeply ab- forget it, he makes me want to call my girlfriend. he makes me want to call my girlfriend and say, "get ready. i love you and we're going to be good people who do things and change things and grow old and make people who are my age when i was young stop and see a picture of me or you and say - 'he or she looks like he or she lead a life, you know, one of those lives where there will be a joyous sigh when he or she dies; people won't be happy, but they'll feel ok about it, because from the look on his or her face will show joy and happiness and question, why are you taking my picture, i just have a good life, and other people will be able to tell he or she had so much happiness while we lived,' i'm sorry, i switched us at the end, but that's how i envision it." and i won't say any of that with any periods, but it's ok because there are semicolons and commas.

he inhales.

person : we've never said i love you. she makes me feel enabled though, to live something of a positive life and have my picture around the internet, smiling with wide wide teeth making young people smile and think - this guy, i don't know who he really is, but he inspires me to at least try to make things better.

he pauses. smiles, awkwardly.

person: we haven't said i love you, yet.

i need you so much closer

two people in chairs. 2 is halfway across the stage. 1 is at the most sidiest part, either right or left.

1: fruit.
2: orange.

1 moves closer.

2: music.
1: maroon 5.

2 moves away, closer offstage.

1: place.
2: chicago.

1 moves closer to 2.

2: book.
1: catcher.

2 moves away, closer offstage.

1: food.
2: dessert, chocolate.

1 moves closer to 2.

2: feeling.
1: joy?

2 sighs. moves toward offstage. 1, quickly -

1: day of the week.
2: thursday.

1 moves closer.

2: animal, mineral, vegetable.
1: animal.

2 moves one more step closer to offstage.

1: minutes in my mobile phone plan.
2: 750 plus the minutes we get for being with the same carrier.

1 moves closer.

2: yes or no.
1: no.

2 moves offstage. 1 is left alone, the end.