Timmy of the Past, Tim of the Present, and Future Timothy All Collide.

Timmy sits on a bench swinging his feet. On the opposite side of the bench, Timothy sit and hums, staring outward. Tim enters with a newspaper under his arm. After pausing to weigh the situation of sitting between two people, he sits and reads his newspaper.

Timmy : Hi.

Pause. Tim looks up from his newspaper.

Tim : Hi.

Timmy : I'm Timmy.

Tim : I'm Tim.

Timmy : Hi Tim, I'm Timmy.

Tim : Hi Timmy.

Pause.

Timmy : You look like me.

Tim, who went back to reading his paper looks up from it again. He closes the paper.

Tim : Well, you look like me.

Timmy : Are you from the future.

Tim : Are you from the past?

Timmy pauses. He gets up and walks over to the Timothy.

Timmy (to Timothy) : Are you his Dad?

Timothy : No. I am not.

Timmy : You look like him. And he looks like me.

Timothy : What a strange coincidence.

Timmy : That's what I'm saying.

Timothy : What is your name?

Timmy : Timmy.

Timothy : How funny! My name is Timothy. We have very similar names. And very similar faces. Aside from that this man - What is your name son?

Tim : Tim.

Timothy : Ah! Aside from Tim looking more like the two of us than we look like each other.

Timmy : I don't know you said.

Timothy : I'm saying what you're saying. We look alike.

Tim clears his throat and tries to go back to his newspaper. Timmy interupts.

Timmy : Tim, what's your last name?

Tim : I'm sorry?

Timmy : Mine's Oscarwitch.

Timothy : Timmy, that's my last name too!

Timmy : Really Timothy?

Timothy : Yes. You know, I've never met anyone with my last name that wasn't related to me.

They both look at Tim.

Tim : Oscarwitch.

Both Timothy and Timmy gasp.

Timothy : Timmy, where were you born?

Timmy : Rye, New York.

Tim stands up and walks away from the two, but stays on stage.

Timothy : My! That's where I was born in 1980.

Timmy : You weren't born in 1980! I was born in 1980.

Timothy : You certainly couldn't have been born then, you'd be as old as dust. Like me!

Timmy : No. I was born in 1980, and today is January 31st 1989.

Tim : 2009.

Timmy : What?

Tim : Timmy, it's 2009, that would make you 29 this year, as old as I am.

Timothy : It's 2049.

Pause.

Timothy : Timmy is your mom's name Donna?

Timmy : Yes! Oh my gosh! How did you know?

Timothy : What if I told you that I was you, from the future?

Timmy : REALLY? OHWOW! Does that mean I invented time travel?

Timothy : Well. Sort of.

Tim : You're both being ridiculous.

Timothy : Tim. Stop. You're being an ass.

Tim : Stop lying to that kid.

Timothy : I'm not. I really did sort of invent time travel.

Tim : Like Al Gore sort of invented the internet.

Tim is the only who laughs, as he is the only to get the cultural reference.

Tim : If you did. Then why are you here?

Timothy : To show you how you've changed since you were a child.

Timmy : I grow up to be Tim?

Tim : Oh stop. If you're me, I wouldn't be that cliche. After all, I turn out to be you anyway. What you're saying if you need to show me what I've become since childhood is that I, and you, are living our lives incorrectly and by not liking who I am now, you dislike who you were and since I eventually become you, there clearly can't be something wrong with what I'm doing now. Because who really, seriously, does not like himself with out committing suicide?

Timmy : Do you guys want to play Don't Break the Ice?

Timothy : You're right, Tim. Actually, I need a blood transfusion. In the future our blood is so rare that out of necessity, not desire, I've created this alternate universe where we can all meet, and if you said no, I could threaten to kill Timmy, which would kill us both. There's a lot of pain in your future, Tim. I can still repent if I kill Timmy, not if I kill myself.

Tim : But if you need a blood transfusion, then you'll need someone else's blood. Wouldn't my blood have the same problems yours does?

Timothy pauses, thinks.

Timothy : I guess you have a point. This was a waste of time. I created time travel in vain.

Timmy has fallen asleep on the floor.

Tim : Well, it's not really a waste of time. You could go back to when you first started doing the work and tell yourself not to do it. Then none of this would have ever happened and you'd never create time travel. You'd still have the same problems, but then you can focus on something different.

Timothy : So I created time travel so I could uncreate time travel?

Tim : I guess.

Timothy : Huh. An interesting concept. That means none of this would happen. You'd never remember this. Timmy wouldn't either. It is an interesting concept. I hadn't really planned on things going this way. I figured I would convince you, or if not, threaten you, or if all else fails, stab you with a needle and take your blood. I wouldn't have minded the scar when I got back. Huh.

Timothy pauses.

Timothy : I'm kind of stuck here for a while, mind if I steal the business section of the paper?

Tim : We read the business section?

Timothy : Yeah.

Tim (thoughtfully, but not surprised, as if to say, "That's interesting, but I won't focus any thought on that after this moment.") : Huh.

Tim hands the business section to Timothy.

Timothy : Thanks.

Tim hands Timothy the business section and begins to read. Tim continues reading where he left off. Timmy sleeps on the floor still.

How Fast Can I Speak.

Breathing should happen when necessary and when specified.

Man : I am going to see how fast I can speak.

He pauses.

Man : Ok-here-I-go. I-am-speaking-as-fast-as-I-can-I-don't-know-what-I'm-going-to-talk-about-maybe-it'll-just-come-to-me. Um. It's-going-to-be-about-my-life-since-people-can-always-talk-about-themselves-right? Right.

He takes a breath.

Man : When-I-was-little-I-fell-off-my-two-wheeled-bicycle-and-skinned-my-elbow. I-thought-it-looked-like-bird-poop-and-my-mom-had-to-come-get-me. Then-when-I-was-a-little-older-in-a-different-state-I-was-riding-a-different-bicycle-too-fast-and-skinned-the-back-of-my-ankle-where-my-achilles-tendon-was.It-hurt-real-bad.

Breath.

Man : Both-times-I-was-riding-my-bike-as-fast-as-I-could-and-I-lost-control-of-what-I-was-doing. Another-time-when-I-was-trying-to-grow-up-too-fast-after-both-the-bird-poop-and-hurt-achilles-I-climbed-into-this-pond-area-where-a-three-foot-wall-surrounded-the-beach-area. When-it-was-time-to-go-my-brother-climbed-up-and-out-but-I-couldn't. Not-because-I-was-too-little-to-climb-out-it-was-only-three-feet! I-couldn't-climb-out-because-there-were-spiders-and-their-webs-and-eggs-all-over-the-wall. I-didn't-see-them-when-I-got-in-but-

Breath.

Man : -knowing-they-were-there-on-the-way-out-was-enough-to-make-me-not-want-to-climb-out. Because-I-was-scared-to-get-bitten-or-have-spider-scrawling-over-my-body. Ew. You-understand-right?So-even-later-in-my-life-after-playing-fruit-baseball-on-what-was-probably-President's-Day-. The-only-reason-I-mentioned-the-day-is-because-it-gives-an-overall-view-as-to-why-I-wasn't-in-school-on-a-week-day.You-didn't-know-it-was-a-week-day-did-you? It-was-a-week-day. I-was-driving-away-after-playing-fruit-baseball-and-it-isn't-like-I-was-trying-to-speed-but-I-just-was-and-a-cop-turned-around-after-passing-me-from-the-other-direction-to-pull-me-over. I-pulled-into-what-I-thought-would-be-a-side-street. Half-to-lose-him. Half-to-not-get-pulled-over-on-the-main-street.

Breath.

Man : Ok-it-was-to-lose-him-ninety-nine-percent. He-gave-me-a-ticket-and-I-had-to-go-to-court. It-didn't-teach-me-not-to-speed-but-to-be-better-at-speeding. A-few-years-ago-I-was-pulled-over-and-in-an-entirely-different-state-then-before. This-time-on-my-way-to-work. The-ticket-cost-two-hundred-dollars.

Panting, deepbreath, the hardest one yet.

Man : EVER-SINCE-I-WAS-BORN-I'VE-ALWAYS-TRIED-TO-EAT-EVERY-MEAL-AS-FAST-AS-I-COULD. THAT-WORKS-OK-FOR-MY-CURRENT-JOB-BECAUSE-I-HAVE-A-VERY-SHORT-LUNCH-BREAK-AND-ALSO-A-SHORT-DINNER-BREAK. THE-PROBLEM-HAS-ALWAYS-BEEN-THAT-I-WOULD-EAT-MORE-THAN-I-SHOULD-AND-GET-FAT-OR-GET-REALLY-BAD-HEARTBURN-OR-INCONSISTENT-BATHROOM-BREAKS. IT'S-LIKE-WHEN-YOU-EAT-ICECREAM-TOO-FAST-BUT-ONLY-FOR-THE-REST-OF-MY-BODY-AND-I-I-I

The man stumbles a little bit.

Man : I-NEVER-LEARNED-TO-TASTE-THE-FOOD.

He is now gasping.

160 Die Because of the Bird Flu

Dialogue provided by the discussion thread of a Yahoo! News story.

An unseen voice : The UN healthy agency on Tuesday raised to 160 its officail tally of people worldwide who have been infected with the deadly H5N1 straing of bird flu virus after laboratory tests in London confirmed that at least 12 people in Turkey have been infected with the disease.

Wellwellwellhum : Ouch. Based on this and other current events it appears the Grim Reaper is gonna have a busy schedule this century. Not Funny.

Medlady : Great news for our troops! They have also identified a case in Iraq.

Medlady frowns.

Medlady : Now they have to worry about this crap too?

User6244 : Pandemic equals one-sixty? There have been a number of significant pandemics in human history, generally zoonoses that came about with domestication of animals such as influenza and tuberculosis. There have a number of particularly significant epidemics that deserve mention above the mere destruction of cities. The Peloponnesian War, 430 BCE. An unknown agent killed a quarter of the Athenian troops and a quarter of the population over four years. This disease fatally weakened the dominance of Athens, but the sheer virulence of the disease prevented its wider spread; i.e. it killed off its hosts at a rate faster than they could spread it-

Sashimi Sweetie : You have done some research I see-

User6244: Antonine Plague, 165-180. Possibly smallpox brought back from the Near East; killed a quarter of those infected and up to five million in all. At the height of a second outbreak (251-266) 5,000 people a day were said to be dying in Rome -

Barfutchild : And AIDS killed how many? And diabetes? And heart disease? Lukemia? Failure to wear seatbelts-

User6244 : Plague of Justinian, started 541. The first recorded outbreak of the bubonic plague. It started in Egypt and reached Constantinople the following spring, killing (according to the Byzantine chronicler Procopius) 10,000 a day at its height and perhaps 40 percent of the city's inhabitants. It went on to destroy up to a quarter of the human population of the eastern Mediterranean. -

Californicated Coloradoan : So an Iraqi girl died of Bird Flu?

User6244 : The Black Death, started 1300s. Eight hundred years after the last outbreak, the bubonic plague returned to Europe. Starting in Asia, the disease reached Mediterranean and western Europe in 1348 (possibly from Italian merchants fleeing fighting in the Crimea), and killed twenty million Europeans in six years, a quarter of the total population and up to a half in the worst-affected urban areas.

Plumber Bill : Real, or fake? Struck me, watching the spread? Of this "pandemic" that is too restrictive. Tend to think as a general observation this is a manufactured disease either in its conception or in its publicity or in its spread or all three. I think there may be at least three manufactured diseases around.

There is a long, confused, uncomfortable pause.

Angry Bitey Attorney : I'm shaking Big Bird in Anger. And Snuffy.

Hole Flow : I'm choking my chicken in anger. I hope it doesn't give me Bird Flu.

Angry Bitey Attorney : No but it'll give you a hairy palm and make you go blind. But Steve Wonder did ok with that, as did Ray Charles, so I wouldn't worry to much.

Cindy Bin : Did you hear my response to you? I said, Oh for heaven's sake, Atkins died from a fall. He had a heart condition which was not related to his diet, and the medication he was on caused weight gain and swelling. Really, if you want to lose weight, read my homepage, it's all right there. Somersize works great for most people, especially men. And the food is delicious. You never feel deprived, get to eat as much as you want, and it reprograms your metabolism.

Angry Bitey Attorney : Yes. I know humpty had his great fall. Point was, for all his allegedly great shape, he was a supposedly fat pig when the reaper swung through.

Hole Flow : The burning question is, what was his cholesterol level at the time he died.

Cindy Bin : As I said, Atkins experience wieght gain due to medication he was on for a heart condition unrelated to his diet. I'm not on Atkins, anyway. I'm on Somersizer, a controlled carb plan with no induction period. Lots of good, healthy food. I really think it's the best program out there. Feel free to visit my homepage for tips, recipes and my weight loss story.

Angry Bitey Attorney : No thanks, but I will visit www.cindybin.com. Great website. It really is.

Cindy Bin : Ok, then continue to eat your chemical-laden, refined cab noodles. But my website is there if you come to your senses.

Pause.

User 6244 : The first Cholera pandemic, 1816-1826. Previously restricted to the Indian subcontinent, the pandemic began in Bengal, then spread across India by 1820. It extended as far as China and the Caspian Sea before receding.

Danais : This is outrageous, I'm beating butterballs in anger!

Angry Bitey Attorney : That doesn't count toward your balls collection, does it?

Danais : No. That's strictly for Yahoo posters! I'm leaving.

Danais is gone.

Angry Bitey Attorney : Where are you going?

User6244 : There are also a number of unknown diseases that were extremely serious but have now vanished, so the etiology of these diseases cannot be established. Examples include the previously mentioned plague in 430 BCE Greece and the English Sweat in 16th-century England, which struck people down in an instant and was more greatly feared even than the bubonic plague.

Cluckie : I suck the farts from dead chickens.

Everyone leaves.

Untitled

courtesy of Brandon

Man1 rushes into bathroom stall doing the potty dance until he gets his pants down and sits on the pot. He takes care of the first order of business and sighs audibly and gratefully.

The boots of Man2 appear in under the stall door. He knocks.

Man1: Occupied.

Man2: Sir?

Man1: Yeah – I’m in here.

Man2: Sir, are you aware that you’re parked in a handicapped zone?

Man1: Wha- no I’m not!

Man2: Yes, sir, I’m afraid you are.

Man1: I parked all the way out by Ponderosa! I had to walk almost a mile!

Man2: No, sir, the stall you’re in right now – it’s reserved for the physically challenged.

Man1 [sees the thick metal bar on the side of his stall]: Uh…there’s only one stall in this bathroom.

Man2: I realize that sir, but-

Wheelchair wheels squeak into sight under the stall door

Man3: C’mon dude – my Spaghetti Bolognese ain’t gonna wait.

Man1 [stomach gurgles]: I’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to wait.

Man3 [whines]: Officer, pleeeeeeeeease!

Man2 [more forcefully]: SIR, I am going to have to ask you to vacate the handicap zone.

Man1 [stomach gurgles louder]: I’m sorry, but I can’t really get up right now.

Man2 [rattles the stall door]: SIR, I will NOT ask you again. Vacate the handicap zone or you’ll spend the night in jail.

Man1: You can’t arrest me for shitting in a handicapped stall.

Man2: That’s it sir, if you won’t come willingly…

Man2 crouches to climb under the stall door. Man1 can’t hold it anymore and lets loose.

Man2 [recoils and stands up]: Aaargh…now you’re being booked for assault, asshole.

Freestyle Walking Makes You More Radder.

Two very "cool" looking kids with shoes that have plastic arches (for sliding on curbs) stand next to a curb in a city.

Chip : Ahw shit. I totally grinded that walkway hard.
Lance : Yeah. Sh-real hard. Watch this shit.

Lance runs, jumps and spins.

Chip : Got damn, that was hot shit.
Lance : You should see the other guy.

Chip jumps stiffly and then grabs his back.

Lance : Damn! Whadoyoucallthahit?
Chip : Whyougottaclassifymyshit?
Lance : Fuckyou.

They hug. Lance runs and slides on the side of a curb, he then stops and does a cartwheel.

Chip : That some fucking unnatural fucking fuck fuck.
Lance : I jibbered that jab.
Chip : Watch this.

Chip does the cartwheel first,then slides on the side of the curb.

Lance : Ahw shi- you just unnaturaled my unnatural. Fuck yah.
Chip : Jibber that.

There is a long silence. Lance jumps and pulls his feet behind him. He lands safely. They stand and look at each other again.

Unfortunate Interaction Number Five

Roger, Jim, and Sara all stand talking and laughing. Mike walks up.

Roger : And then he pulled out a pocket knife and start to sli- Oh hey Mike.
Jim : Mike!
Mike : How's it goin' guys?
Jim : Good. Hey, this Sara, Sara, this is Mike. Sara's a cop.
Sara : An officer, Jim. Cop is such a dirty word. How are you Mike?
Mike : I'm good. It's Sara?
Sara : Yea, Sara.
Mike : Good to meet you.
Roger : So I was saying that I pulled out that knife and started to slice open the orange. And my buddy got some juice in his eye. To make a long story short, we lost the baby.
Sara : Wow. I'm sorry.
Jim : That was not where I expected it to go.
Roger : Yeah. Well, that's life I guess. It was hard, but now I can look back at it as a growth experience. Or anti growth if you want to be sardonic.

They all chuckle. There is a pause.

Mike : So Sara, how do you feel about crime?

Pause.

Sara : Uhm. Well... I dislike it enough to be an officer.

Pause. A throat is cleared in the silence.

Why Some People Shouldn't Talk

Him and Her stand outside smoking. They have never met until this moment. Inside is a party. He maintains eye contact, she only does during the pauses.

Him : How long have been with this company?
Her : Oh, a couple years.
Him : Cool.

Pause.

Him : So are you from San Francisco then?
Her : No one who lives in San Francisco is from there.
Him : Oh, haha. Yeah. I could see that.

Pause.

Him : I used to live in California. I had to have been six. The only thing I remember about San Francisco is the crooked road.
Her : Yeah, only tourists go there.
Him : Oh yeah?

Pause.

Having finished her cigarette, Her goes into the party. Him stays there.

Our Friend's Birthday Is Soon.

She : So.. Abby's birthday is coming up.
He : Oh yeah?
She : Yep. It's the 12th.
He : Huh
She : You should call her and wish her a happy birthday.
He : Yeah. I don't think so.
She : What? Why not?
He : I just. I don't know.
She : Wish her a happier birthday.
He : I don't think so.
She : Why not?
He : I wasn't going to remember if you didn't say something. I feel like calling her now would be insincere.
She : But I just told you, that's all.
He : Yeah, but, I don't know. I never know anyone's birthday. I'm really bad at it. With out you telling me, I wouldn't have known or called. So I don't think I should call. I'd feel like I was deceiving her.
She : You're a horrible friend.
He : I don't know. Maybe.
She : Why can't you just call?
He : Maybe I will. I don't know.
She : Just do it.
He : We'll see. Maybe. Or not. Let's talk about something else.

Play Something Familiar

DJ Bolzak : You are listening to Radio 1, 1, 106.9. I'm Bolzak bringing you that hottest hits from the hottest artists for more minutes in the hour than any other DJ on the radio. Coming, we're spinning the hot new single from American Idol Carrie Underwood.

The Carrie Underwood song Jesus Takes the Wheel plays. DJ Bolzak drinks a Mountain Dew. The song plays for 30 seconds.

DJ Bolzak : Yes. Yes. Yes. That was Carrie Underwood's new Jam. Right now I've got, what's your name, guy?
Samson : Sam. Samson.
DJ Bolzak : Alright Sammy. What record can I spin for you?
Samson : I wanted to hear something from that new - uh - Animal Collective cd?
DJ Bolzak : Alright, an excellent choice. We'll see what we can.
Samson : Tha-
DJ Bolzak : This is DJ Bolzak in hiz-ouse, and I'm lettin you know that next on Radio 106.9, you're going to be hearing the newest hit from American Idol, Carrie Underwood. This is Jesus Take the Wheel.

The song plays for 15 seconds, and DJ Bolzak drinks more Mountain Dew.

DJ Bolzak : We're back, what a song what a song. You know, I want this song to be my song with my honey. Baby, if you're listenin', throw out last week's mix tape and we're hittin it tonight to some Carrie Underwood. Who's on the line?
Samson : Sam.
DJ Bolzak : What up, Samm-o! What do you want to hear?
Samson : It's not that I want to request something. I called a little while ago.
DJ Bolzak : Kickass Sam. Here you are, Carrie Underwood.

The song plays for 10 seconds. DJ Bolzak drinks more Mountain Dew.

DJ Bolzak : Radio 106.9. I'm your host, DJ Bolzak. Heck yea! That song really gets to me. You know? Looks like we've got a first time caller, long time listener, Sam? Are you there?
Samson : DJ Bolzak? Can you stop playing that song. I think I just. Well. I think I just wet myself. Please. Play something else.
DJ Bolzak : C-c-c-c-carrie

The song plays for 5 seconds. He finishes his Mountain Dew.

DJ Bolzak : Underwooooood. Samon's on the line. What's the jams for the days SamBone?!
Samson : Honestly, though. My teeth have fallen out of my head. Please. Play something different.
DJ Bolzak : We'll see what we can do!

The song plays again.

Seeing That Awful, Incorrigible Reflection

11 : Good morning, Eleven. It's a new day, a new adventure. New new new. New. New.

He cocks his head at the mirror. He takes a step back.

11 : Ow. Shit. My foot. What the..?

He tries to look at the back bottom of his foot. He hits his foot on the toilet, then spins around trying to look. Eventually, he sits on the toilet and lifts his foot up to the mirror.

11 : Oh my god. What is that?

The lights change. There is less focus on Eleven then there is on the mirror and the foot.

12 (his foot) : Good morning foot. It is time. Today is the day you will meet her. Her. Your mother. It's been years since you first began writing your letters. First letters, then emails. Emails. Amazing where the world has gone in terms of ease of communication, technology, board games. Do you think that in the future, we might return to the pen and paper. But by pen and paper, you mean communication through thought. Mother, I'm thinking to you, are you there?

There is a pause.

13 (offstage) : Are you ready yet?

The lights change back to normal.

11 : Yes. In a minute. I need a minute.

13 : Hurry up.

He begins brushing his teeth and talking.

11 : What would it be like to live on the moon? To find new creatures. Aliens. They're called aliens. I wonder if I could be friends with an alien. Do they even know what friendship is?

He spits, steps back and winces. He sits down and lifts his foot again.

13 : Eleven! We have to go. Now!

The lights change.

12 : Why did you abandon me mom? I wonder. It's not something I could ask through our correspondence. It would be too much for you to explain, being in prison and all. It doesn't matter what the judge said, I think that guy was dangerous. A hot dog does look like a gun. And it was dark, like you said, so there's no way you could have known it was my dad trying to make up with you. After you left a week after I was born.

pause.

12 : Some times I think we should all get a freebie. Population control.

11 stands back up shaking his head and begins combing his hair.

11 : Today will be my new outlook. I asked for my life to turn out this way. There's this maternal part of me that I was lacking. Am I overcompensating?

pause.

11 : I might like to be an astronaut some day.

13 : If you don't get your ass out here, so help me, you'll end up like your father.

11 : Alright! Mom! Alright! Just one more minute.

11 sits down. Lifts his foot up to the mirror for the last time. Over the next dialogue he finds a needle and pops what has been a blister on his heel.

12 : Oh my gosh, look at the time. I need to go. Mom. You're coming home. You're going to live with me until you can get a job, and then we'll be a family again. For real. No more showers with other ladies, or late night bludgeonings for cigarettes. This is it. The real deal. Let's co-

The blister is popped, 11 gets up and walks out of the bathroom.

I Can Taste The Brass From My Trombone Sometimes

9 : Oh my god. That's horrible.

9 spits on the ground.

10 : It's supposed to make you throw up.
9 : God, it tastes like the spit valve on my trombone from high school smelled.
10 : Are you going to throw up yet?
9 : No. Why did you do that to me?
10 : I. don't. know. I think because it's funny.
9 : No. Definitely not funny.

Pause.

10 : You played trombone?
9 : What?
10 : You mentioned your trombone.
9 : Yes. Yes. I played trombone.
10 : Cool. I thought about joining the band. I took Piano lessons as a child.
9 : Good for you.
10: Sorry I was jus-
9 : No. I'm sorry. I played trombone until I got to college. I majored in it for a semester but dropped it for other artistic endeavors.
10 : Graphic design?
9 : Sandwich artist at Subway.
10 : Oh. huh.
9 : You took piano lessons?
10 : Yep. For four years. Like every other child, I hated it, but now I wish I had paid more attention.
9 : Kind of makes me wish you liked it, so your story could have a little more purpose.
10 : Ok. Look. I'm sorry about your drink. It was a joke gone awry. Please.
9 : I'm just saying that if you're going to tell a story make it about something more interesting than how you were like everyone else.

Pause.

10 clears his throat.

Working At The Ol' Factory

6 : My name is Colin. I'd like to work for this here Ol' Factory.
7 : You know we make soap here, right?
6 : Of course. I wouldn't apply for a job that I didn't know what it's for.
7 : That's not what I mean. Making soap is kind of dangerous. In the long term.
6 : It's soap.
7 : Right, but studies have shown that many people who have worked in soap creation end up needing respirators at night. For assisted breathing.

Pause.

6 : So can I work here?
7 : Seriously though, you don't want to work here.
6 : I don't mind. I'll wear a protective mask.
7 : It won't help.
6 : Do you get free soap? Like, the ones that get screwed up becuase my girlfr-
7 : I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
6 : What? You're lying.
7 : Actually the position has been dropped. Budget cuts.
6 : You're being ridi-
7 : Ok. I love you. And I feel like these feelings are a conflict of interest.
6 : What?
7 : Don't speak. Let's share this moment. Just. Go.
6 : This is fucking ridiculous.

6 leaves. 8 enters a moment after from a different direction

8 : Colin... Firth? That's an interesting name. Colin Firth?

No answer.

8 : Ok. Joe.. Pitch-ler, Pike-ler?
7 : Pichler, like pitching a baseball.
8 : Oh. Haha, I get it. Hm. Mr. Bagadine will see you now.
7 : Thanks.

Touching That Rock On the Ground

3 : See that over there?
4 : What?
5 : That fire hydrant?
3 : No. That rock.
5 : Which one?
4 : The one that looks like Ben Franklin?
3 : No. The one that looks like Elvis.

A brief pause to look.

4 & 5 : Ahh. Oh yeah. I see it.
3 : Pick it up.
4 : Who?
5 : Me?
3 : You.

3 points to 5.

5 : Why me?
3 : Ok fine, then you touch it.

3 points to 4.

4 : I'll touch it.

4 walks over and picks up a rock that resemble Elvis.

4 : Thank ya', thank ya' very much.
3 : I'm embarassed for you. Maybe you should pick up the Ben Franklin rock instead.

4 throws the rock away.

5 : Man! What did you do? Now there's no more Elvis rock!
4 : Fuck you.

Pause.

3 : That was really lame, man. I feel like we'll never have another rock like tha- Oh man. Look at that rock.
5 : Which one?
3 : The one over there.
4 : Is that? Holy shit, it's Margaret Thatcher.
5 : And it looks like she's kissing one that looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar. Is it weird to find that arousing?

Pause.

3 : Pick it up.

God, My Ears Hurt.

1 : -and I need to know, have you ever watched someone speeding?
2 : How do you mean? I sped to get here.
1 : Have you watched the faces of people who speed? Not yourself, I mean, because it's like, you can't smell your own body odor, so other people then. Speeding by you?
2 : Briefly, in the rear view mirror. If I watched them drive by, I'd probably get myself into an accident.
1 : I tried it once. I saw a woman with her eyes fixated on the car in front of her.
2 : Fixated? Strong word.
1 : She was. I followed her for a little while. Probably shouldn't do that. But I found my eyes gravitating toward the break lights of the car in front of me. I was waiting for the car to break, so then I could break safely also. I did this for about ten minutes before I realized I hadn't blinked in (pause) ten minutes. So I slowed and moved into the travel lane. I also noticed that I would get closer and closer to her with out realizing it. I would have to check my speed. Even when I would use cruise control, my speed would always end up being just a mile an hour faster than her.
2 : That's interesting.

Pause.

2 : I really have nothing to say about this subject anymore.
1 : How's your mother?
2 : She's good. It's what, 4?
1 : Yeah, 4:30.
2 : She's probably shopping right now. I will, no matter what, get a collared shirt from her trip today.
1 : Does your mom always get you collared shirts?
2 : Well, no. She asked me when she called this morning. "Do you need anything?" So I said, "A collared shirt for work. 17 inch neck."
1 : You've got a pretty thick neck.
2 : It's my German blood.
1 : I'm Portuguese.
2 : Oh cool. I thought maybe you were some kind of Hispanic.

Pause.

1 : I guess I'll get going then.
2 : Me too. I've got... Yup.

Chiclets

A Man and a Boy on the street corner.

Boy : Sir, Chiclets?
Man : Oh. No thanks. I'm fine.
Boy : ..Chiclets?
Man : No, really. Thank you though. They lose their flavor to fast.
Boy : Chiclets.
Man : Ok. Look. I don't want any of your Chiclets.
Boy : CHICLETS.
Man : You know what? You're really starting to bug me. I've got half a mind to stand on the other corner of the street.
Boy : Chiclets?
Man : You know what? I'm not letting you win that easily. I'm staying right here.
Boy : Chiclets?

Pause.

Boy : Chiclets?

Pause.

Boy : Chiclets?

Long pause.

Man : You know what? Fine. You're probably poor and don't have any money. I'll help you out, but please. Leave me alone. Here's a dollar, I'll take some.

They exchange.

Man : So. You got a girlfriend?

Poop Phone, a true story?

Tim, dressed in a suit, sits in a Cafe. He is at a booth with a glass of water, drinking a coffee, reading a newspaper. This is something he does daily. Shannon, dressed well also walks in with a plastic bag.

Tim (surprised) : Shannon.
Shannon : Hi Tim.
Tim : How are you? Sit. Sit down.
Shannon : Thanks, but I can't.
Tim : Ok. How have you been, it's been what, 4 years?
Shannon : Yeah. (Trailing off) About 4 years and 6 days.
Tim : What are you up to these days?
Shannon : I'm working for the city. In annexation.
Tim : Great. I -.. Don't know what that means.
Shannon (laughing) : Sometimes I don't either.
Tim : Well I'm still at my same job. I'm what they call a lifer, I guess. I don't mind. No glory of annexation though.
Shannon : Oh stop. Not too many people get that anyway.
Tim : Wow. I'm amazed to see you.
Shannon : Look. I've got to tell you something. This week I was suspended with out pay from work.
Tim : Um. Ok. I'm sorry?
Shannon : Listen. I've been having some problems these past couple months. My exboyfriend, most recent since you, has been stalking me. Threatening. And I got a restraining order. I stabbed him. I went to his house and stabbed him. First, though, before the restraining order. I. I'm sorry, you want to know what the point of this story is.
Tim : Go on with whatever, I'm intrigued and kind of scared.
Shannon : It made me realize how much I missed what we had.
Tim : I think I should go.
Shannon : No, sit down. Wait. I mean, in order to get your attention, and this is why I was suspended, I went to your house and stole your phone from your car. I told people about the phone at work and touted it as something that could be ours. "Oops, I must have grabbed my fiance's phone instead of my own," I would say. They suspended me from work because I said the same sentence every day and am a horrible liar. Then came the bitterness. After living a lie for that one glorious week, I thought, "Why wouldn't he want to get back with me? What's HIS problem?" And I.. pooped on your phone.
Tim : What?
Shannon : I pooped on your phone. Then I felt bad, and since I've been following you and watching you drink your coffee every morning, I knew I could find you here. To apologize and give your phone back to you. So please. Forgive me. Here.

She puts the phone in the plastic bag down in front of him. There is a long silence between them. She sits down and flicks some water from his glass at him, flirting.

Shannon : Aw. I've missed you.

Everything Is So Important, or, the Trash Can Of Life

A metal trash can sits center stage. Roger and Mary enter the stage. They are college-aged.

Roger : To see you is like opening my eyes for the first time as a newborn baby, but with the logic skills of an old man. A very old man. A man who will die after saying hello.
Mary : Finding you, here, with out anyone but yourself, is you being you and only yourself. It makes me you, too.
Roger : The sky, the way it dances around and spreads to the edges of land is fifteen times better than not having a sky at all.

There is a pause.

Roger : Kind of like life.
Mary : When I look at my hand I think, how handy this hand will be if I need to hand something to someone without one. A hand.
Roger : This trash can, it is teaching me about where I can go, but moreso, reminding me of where I came from, and that, could be the same as the former.
Mary : That trash can is about what trash can do. The cans and cannots are both trash, one can just smell sweeter.
Roger : Sun! Sunlight! Shine on the can, show me what it means live. Every rose has its thorn.
Mary : Sun, someday living won't be alive anymore. I want to live lively lives at a livery, this can can't be all life has to loffer.

There is a pause.

Mary : Every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.

There is yet another pause. It gets dark.

Roger & Mary : I want to feel. Feel. Feel.

An uncomfortable pause.

Roger : It is dark. Is that the lesson?
Mary : The lesson learned is in life, life isn't always light?
Roger : Darkness teaches me to look harder at the trash can. To look for more?
Mary : Darkness darkens the already dark perspective. Darkly setting out interference from seeing the circumference of the drash dan.
Roger : I have felt.
Mary : Pathos.
Roger : I see a spec of dust. Over there, a spec that represents our struggle, against ourselves and eachother.
Mary : Over here in this direction, a dire leaf descending down to its descendents. Death, distraught 'ducation. 'Ducating me to dream. Dream. Do Dream.

They exit in opposite directions.

The Great Nickel Heist

A small house. Nothing special. A kitchen.

Jack : Oh my god, I've done it.
Jane : What? What did you do?
Jack : I. Oh my god.
Jane : What? What?

Jack turns on the TV.

TV Reporter : -as there are no clues to this bizarre robbery. All police know is that the truck left New Jersey and ended up in the Florida just hours from its destination in Louisiania. Police are still baffled as someone made off with hundreds of thousands of dollars in newly minted nickels. Suspected is -

Jack turns off the TV.

Jane : Hundreds of thousands of dollars in newly minted nickels?!
Jack : All ours.
Jane : But how?
Jack : I had someone drop off a van. In the evening I put each bag from the truck to the van.
Jane : My God, how many bags did you have to move?
Jack : 900.
Jane : Jack!
Jack : I had help. But what I'm saying now is, we're rich.
Jane : You stole the money!
Jack : Shh! Don't say that so loud.
Jane : How can you even think to keep it?
Jack : You know what? I've worked as a driver for so long, and without complaining about much of anything. I haven't asked for anything. I deserve more.
Jane : But we've lived comfortably with our incomes.
Jack : I deserve more. I just want to show you one bag so you can get the full scope of the amount of money - hold on.

Jack starts to leave.

Jane : Jack - we can't-
He leaves and reenters with a bag with a cent sign on it.
Jack : Just look at this. 899 more of these babies.

He tosses the bag on the table, it slides off, and falls to the floor spilling wooden nickels all over.

Jane : Wooden nickels?
There is a knock at the door.

Waiting For Court To Begin

Two Men sit on a bench outside traffic court. One is white, one is not.

Man 1 : I was pulled over a year ago too, man, like March.
Man 2 : Yeah. I hear that, guy was an asshole.
Man 1 : Cops in the area don't fucking care.
Man 2 : Serious. They could give a shit whether or not you're having an emergency.
Man 1 : In Springfield, the cops don't care if you're speeding. Last time I got a ticket there, it was 4 months until I got to contest.
Man 2 : Yeah, they got more courtrooms there.
Man 1 : I guess. A buddy of mine got pulled over for speedin', and they said he was going like, 77 in a 65 zone. When he got to court he was like, "I wasn't going 77, I was going 70." And the judge said, "You was still speedin'."
Man 2 : Come on, you gotta lie to them.
Man 1 : 'Zactly.

Another man sits down. He is dressed nicely.

Man 1 : I got pulled over once for speedin' drivin' back from Montreal. A bunch of buddies of mine went there because the drinking age was 18 and I was like.. 18.
Man 2 : Oh yeah? When was this?
Man 1 : Years ago. A couple years. Not for a long time. I paid that ticket.
Man 2 : Oh. Cuz I saw some people pulled over in a truck on my to Montreal a couple months ago. I thought it could-
Man 1 : Yeah that'd be -
Man 2 : be you.
Man 1 : funny... Naw, I don't drive a truck. We almost got sent back 'cause when the bitch asked if anybody had firearms, drugs, or any other shit, my buddy's all like, "Wait, I got a .45 in my back pocket." The lady was all like, do you think this a joke? And we were all, No.
Man 2 : I got pulled over by a lady this time, and she didn't give me no slack, and she was giving me some attitude. What a bitch.
Man 1 : Yeah. Bitch.

The nicely dressed man gets up and leaves. An officer enters the room with a list.

Officer : Gerald Simowitz?
Man 1 : I am he, sir.
Officer : You'll be first, when I'm done reading this list of names you can enter the court. And uhh- Roger Bergleman?
Man 2 : Over here, sir.
Officer : Right. You'll go in once Mr. Simowitz leaves.
Man 2 : Yes, sir, thank you sir.

The Officer goes into the court.

Man 2 : Hey, you show him who's the fucking motha'fucka'.
Man 1 : Fuck yeah.

Ziggy Talks To A Higher Being

Ziggy, the round, bald, cartoon character stands in front of his overstuffed easy-chair. A Lamp sits next to it. Down stage, a small tv with antenna sticking out is on. His talking parrot, Josh, sits on a stand next to him.

TV : Como Como Como, Espanol. Gato, Perro, Pero Perro. Hola. Estan. Boca. Pelicula.

He turns off the TV.

Ziggy : Ah geez, I can't understand Spanish.
Josh : The world is changing Ziggy. Why can't you change too?
Ziggy : I'm this generations Charlie Brown, but sadder. Why should I change? Did Charlie Brown change?
Josh : Charlie Brown is this generation's Charlie Brown, Ziggy. He was the last generation's Charlie Brown.
Omnipresent Voice : Ziggy. Ziggy.
Ziggy : God?
Omnipresent Voice : Something like that. Ziggy.
Ziggy : Yes?
Omnipresent Voice : You should be happier.
Ziggy : What? I'm happy.
Omnipresent Voice : No. You're not. Stop moping like a fuck.
Ziggy : God, what is a fuck?
Omnipresent Voice : Ziggy. Don't be an idiot.
Ziggy : I forgive you, God.
Omnipresent Voice : For what?
Ziggy : For everything.
Omnipresent Voice : What?
Ziggy : My life is hard and you've made it that way. So I could see the beauty in the world.
Omnipresent Voice : No, Ziggy. You're border-line retarded and have no short-term memory. Your mother did that to you.
Ziggy (surprised to hear an Omnipresent Voice) : God?

KoKo the pervert, a true story?

A Gorilla sits in a wire cage that's too small of it. Sally, the woman in charge, brings Dolly, the new receptionist in.

Sally : Here's KoKo!
Dolly : Oh wow. KoKo, the sign language chimp.
Sally : Gorilla.
Dolly : I'm sorry. Gorilla. Wow. Hi KoKo.

KoKo signs hello.

Sally : KoKo says, "Hi."

She begins to sign.

Sally : KoKo, this is Dolly. Dolly. No. Not hamburger. Dolly! She is our new friend here.

KoKo signs back.

Dolly : What is she saying?
Sally : KoKo was saying your name was hamburger. Or, she wants a hamburger. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Dolly : That's a lot of signing for something so short.

KoKo jumps up and down, signing words similar to the previous statement.

Sally (also signing) : No, KoKo. That's inappropriate. No.
Dolly : What? What's inappropriate?
Sally : KoKo. Nothing.

KoKo throws poop at Sally.

Sally : Fine. I'll ask her. Dolly, KoKo.. wants to see.
Dolly : Wants to see what?
Sally : Your.. breasts.
Dolly : My what?
Sally : Actually just your nipples.
Dolly : What? Why?

She instinctually covers herself up.

Sally : I'm not sure. It's something that's gone on since she was a baby. If you get close she tries to take off your shirt.
Dolly : No. That's out of the question. I will not -
Sally : Dolly, it's just a gorilla.
Dolly : I. No!
Sally (signing) : I'm sorry KoKo, she said no.
KoKo lets out a big cry and curls up in the corner.
Dolly : I'm sorry, KoKo.
Sally : It's ok. You're the first to say no to KoKo. Someone had to someday.
Dolly : Really? The first? How many have done it?
Sally : Hundr- Thousands. All the visitors. I usually work in here with out any clothes on, save some sandals. You know, poop on the floor, and all.
Dolly : Well. I. I guess if it's something that other people do then I.. I guess it wouldn't hurt any.
Sally (signing) : KoKo! Dolly said Yes. She changed her mind.

KoKo springs up and presses against the cage. Dolly begins to unbutton her shirt.

Dolly : Brr. It's kind of cold in here.
Sally : Yeah, we'll have to get that fix- (Signing again) KoKo, look! Look how big Dolly's nipples are!
KoKo lowers herself and stars breathing heavily.
Dolly : What is KoKo doing?
Sally : Huh- yeah. SomethingIdon'tyeah.
Dolly : This is making me uncomfortable.
Pause.
Dolly : Ok, Seriously, there is something wrong here.

Sally stares, Dolly closes her shirt and storms out. Sally pets KoKo.

Sally : That's a good monkey, KoKo. That's a good monkey.

The Breezie Street Line Painter

An older man, perhaps 67, paints lines down the middle of a street. A young girls walks up to him.

Girl : Hey. Mister. What are you doing?

Older Man : Well. I'm painting lines on the street.

Girl : Don't they have machines to do that?

Older Man : Well. Yes they do. But I've been doing this since before machines were popular to use. This is my only skill. The government has kept me on for all these years. And can a machine make such a perfect line? Thousands and thousands of lines, all perfect.

Girl : I think they can. That's why they are machines. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Older Man : Aren't you the precocious one! Did you ever hear the story of John Henry?

Girl : Yes.

Older Man : Well John Henry was a steel driving man. He was the best. He was fast, strong, and black, very black. And that, honey, meant that he was more physically adept to physical labor, or now, sports.

Girl : That's very racist of you.

Older Man : One day this cocky young inventor by the name of Gerard Depardieu , but not like the acclaimed actor. Gerard came along and said that his machine could drive steel faster than any man in the world. John Henry took great offense to this and challenged the machine. When the machine didn't respond, he challenged Gerard and said that he could beat that machine. So the race began a day or so later. It was close the whole time, but eventually, John Henry won against the machine. And that's why man will always conquer machine.

Girl : But John Henry died, and couldn't drive steel anymore. The machine could continue the next day. Actually the machine never had to be stopped. As long as someone operated it, it could go forever. John Henry had to stop, because he was dying of exhaustion.

Older Man : You are so precocious!

The older man smacks the girl with paintbrush. It is 1/3 playful, 2/3 not.

Love Letters Between the Sun and Pluto, or, an A.R. Gurney Ripoff Play

The Sun and Pluto sit on opposite sides of the stage. They read from notebooks, in a staged-reading style. This is to allow for any Sun and Pluto to be able to walk up and read the piece.

Pluto : Dear Sun. Thank you for participating in the Big Brother/Big Sister program with me. It is very kind of you. I don't think I've ever had any to really look over me, give me advice, play tag with - well. You know. All that stuff that you're supposed to do. What kind of video games do you like?

Sun : Dear Pluto. You're welcome. I should be thanking you. Ever since, well... my Mary died, I've been looking for someone to fill that void. I think that someone is you. What kind of advice are you looking for? My favorite video game would have to be, Echo the Dolphin on the Sega Genesis. My least favorite, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. I think that guy is creepy.

Pluto : Sun. You like Echo too? I love that game. It's a classic. I'm surprised that you even remember the Sega Genesis. The Genesis was such a great gaming .. should I say, platform? It was truly a work of art. Wow. That's so cool. Yes. Michael Jackson is creepy. Ever since Thriller and Bad, he's gone down hill. Do you remember when he premiered Black or White on TV? It was this huge deal with that one kid, who is now a huge stoner, did some weird lip-synching rap in it? Anyway the whole part after the video? Do you remember where he smashed the car and incessantly rubbed his .. "groin."How weird is that. My friends and I still memorized the dance to it, though. To be ironic.. You see?

Sun : Plootz! It's amazing, we're so far away, yet, so similar. I really feel like we knew each other when we were comets or other celestial beings. Not to condescend or sound like a "know-it-all," Thriller was from the album of the same name, and Bad was also from an album with that same name. Kind of strange how things from our past get all smooshed together.

Irony is always funny.

Do you have a picture? Please send.

Pluto : Dear Sun, your short story was hilarious. I especially loved the whole - "let's keep the dinner table in through the whole thing so we can show a progression of lives going through the house" idea. Hilarious.

Sun : Thanks. That was a long quote.

Pluto : It was.

Sun : Dear Pluto. I'm writing because. Well. I've been having these feelings.. About you. I know, this isn't appropriate for a Big Brother/Big Sister relationship.. But I.. I think I love you. Please. Please respond. Tell me what your feelings are.

Pluto : Dear Sun. I feel the same. Way. I asked Uranus, my only friend out here, about it and all he did was poo-poo all over my ideas. This is why I have you. I know, that was a lame joke. But seriously, I feel the same way.

Sun : Pluto, I've been asked to leave the Big Brother/Big Sister program. They said our relationship had gotten to a point that no longer exemplified a Big Brother/Big Sister program ideal relationship. While I am sad, I'm also excited. We are now free to explore this. What is.. this?

Pluto : Hi Sun, I feel like I miss you, though, we've never met in person. I'll be coming your way soon, I think. Be ready.

Sun : I missed you when you were here. Why didn't you stop? Please write soon.

Pluto : I'm sorry, I. I got nervous and just couldn't stop. I was worried you wouldn't like me in person. Sometimes I just feel so cold and distant. You're so warm and inviting. I though you'd be disappointed.

Sun : Pluto, don't be sorry. I understand. While warm and inviting, as you say, I'm sometimes gullible. What I mean is that we all have faults. I don't see you as the things you described yourself as. I see you to be a thinker. Pensive, but in a really good way. You have so much to offer.

Pluto : Sun, you're right. I'm sorry. I got a letter from the Big Brother/Big Sister program that read, "Dear Pluto, please allow us to apologize for the inappropriate behavior of our former Big Brother/Big Sister program participant, Sun. We do not condone such ill-fated relationships that always end unhealthily and dangerously. In fact there was this one time that a Red Dward fell deep for a black hole, and well, I'm sure you can imagine the gory details. Please, if you'd like to participate again, we have instituted a stronger process to weed out ne'er-do-wells like the Sun. The fucking asshole. Please respond within ten days or lose your spot." Not really the greatest please come back letter, is it? Anyway, I went on the internet and signed them up to receive child pornography at their office. You'd be amazed at how easy it is to do that.

Sun : Brilliant! They deserve all the child porn the world can provide. The whole thing is a sham anyway. I don't really think they should use language like fuck or ass in a company letter, or tell gross stories about red dwarfs and black holes, what are they smut peddlers? Ridiculous. I've been feeling ill lately. I guess I'm just getting old.

Pluto : Sun. I'm sorry you've been feeling so sick. Is there anything I can do? Anything I can send?

Sun : Please send me your love and lock of hair.

Sun : Dear Pluto, Thank you for the lock of hair. Unfortunately, with my hot hands it was burned and lost forever. I like to think that it became a part of my gastric insides, to make another intestinal joke. I've been kind of gassy lately, too.

Pluto : Instestinal jokes are always funny, and fecal jokes. I don't know what it is. Maybe I yearn to be a kid again, always. I'm making my way out there again, on business, will you see me? Enclosed are some "Rolaids" for the gas. Ha-ha. Aids. It has been especially bright here lately. I think it's because of you. The lights have gone from yellow to white.

Pluto : Dear Sun, You haven't responded and my travel plans are coming up soon. Will we meet finally after so much time? Please respond, post-haste.

Pluto : Dear Sun, I missed you on my trip. Have you given up on me? Is there someone else?

Pluto : Dear Sun, I'm sorry. I can't wait around for you anymore. I'd rather be alone with out any other being in my life than sit and wait for you to respond. It's too hard. I miss you. I love you too. Please. This is my last letter, please respond.

Pluto : "Dear Pluto, it is our regret to inform you that the Sun has become a black dwarf. In your time of need it is especially helpful to think of the good times you and the Sun spent together. Surely there are memories you two shared that will help you through these hard times. The Sun was a good friend to all. Please consider donating to the fund. Sincerely, the Earth."

The Tragic Death of the Holyoke Sea Monkeys

The inside of a Sea Monkey jar. 3 Sea Monkeys swim around. Offstage voices are heard.

Voice 1 : Hey, have a good Christmas and New Year.
Voice 2 : Thanks, you too. Have fun in Texas.
Voice 1 : Bye.

The sound of walking away. A door opens and closes.

Voice 2 : Well. I guess that's everything. The heat is off, the lights are off. That's it.

A light turns off, the stage is somewhat dark, and kind of aquatic. The sounds of walking away, a door opens and shuts.

Horatio : Biiiilllllllllyyyyy.
Billy : Hoooooraaaaaatiiiiooooo... Hiiiii.
Horatio : Hellllllloooooo.
Margaret : Booooooys. Leeeeeet's plllaaaaaay taaaaag.
Billy : Maaaaargaaaaareeeeet yoooooouuuuu aaaaarrre iiit.

The Sea Monkeys float around tagging each other.

Margaret : Biiiiilllllly IIII taaaaagged yoooouuu, yooooouuuu arrrre iiiit nnnnoooow.
Billy : It's Tueeeeessssdaaaaay, the peeeeeersssson thaaaaat iiiiiisnnnn't taaaaagged iiiis iiiit.
Horatio : Oooooh drrrrraaaaaat.

The Sea Monkeys continue to float and tag.

Horatio : IIIIII'mmmm tiiiiiired. Leeeeet's haaaaaave diiiiinnnnnnneeer.
Margaret : Yoooouuuu juuuuuust waaaaant toooo quiiiiit beeeecaaauuuuse wwweee'rrrre toooo faaassst fooooor yooooouuuu. Quiiiiiiitteeeerrrr.
Billy : Looooooosssssserrrrr.
Horatio : Nuuuuuh-Uuuuuuh.

Horatio stops playing and begins to eat pieces of food from the floor.

Margaret : Dooooo yooooouuu twwwwoooooo feeeeel cooooold?

Billy attaches himself to the backside of Margaret. She tries to get him off by swimming away and faster. It doesn't work.

Margaret : Biiiiiilllllly, IIII toooooold yoooouuuu, IIII dooonnn't liiiiike yyyoooouuuuu thaaaaat wwwwwaaaaaayyyyy.
Billy : Coooooome oooooon baaaaaabyyyyyyyy. IIIII'vvvveee aaaaallllllwwwwaaaaayyyys loooooovvvved yyyyyyyou, lllllleeeeet'sssss wwwwarrrrmmmm uuuup tooogeeethhherrrr.

Horatio turns brown and drops dead. Billy detaches himself from Margaret.

Billy : Hooooorrraaaaaaattttiiiiooooo? Aaaaarrrre yyyyoooooouuuu oooook?
Margaret : Wwwwwhaaaaaat hhhhaaaaappennnnned?
Billy : Mmmmmaaarrrrgaaarrreeeet, Hhhorrrrrraaaaatiiiiooooo iiiiiissss deeeeaaaad.
Margaret : Ooooooh nnnnooooo!

Billy attaches himself to Margaret again.

Margaret : Biiiiiillllllyyyyy, sssstooooop. Nnnnooooowwwwwwww iiiiiissss nooooot thhhhe tiiiiiiimmmme foooooorrrr thhhhiiiiiis. Wwwwwhhhhhyyyyyy diiiiiiiid Hhhooooraaaaatiiiiiooooo diiie?
Billy : Heeeeee wwwwaaaas eaaaatiiiiiinnnng. Mmmmaaaaaayyyybeeeeeee heeee chooooooked onnnn hiiiiis foooooood?
Margaret : IIIIII'mmmmmm soooooo coooooold. Buuuuuut heeeeee'sssss brrrrooooownnnn, thhhhaaaaaat'ssss nnnnoooooot ffffrrrrrooooooommmmm choooookiiiing..
Billy : Wwwwwhhhhaaaaaat diiiiiid yooooouuuu ssssaaaaaay?
Margaret : Aaaaboooooouuuuuut choooookiiiiiing?
Billy : Nooooo, aaaaabooooouuuut beeeeeeeeiiiiiiiinnnng coooooold.
Margaret : IIIII aaaaaaammmmm.
Billy : Yyyyoooooouuuuu aaaaarrrrre wwwwwhaaaaat?
Margaret : Cooooooollllld.
Billy : Hhooooorrrraaaaaatiiiioo diiiiiieeeed frrrrooooom coooooooollllld. Theeeeeerrrrrreeee iiiiiissssss nnnnnooooooo hhhheeeeeaaaaaat!
Margaret : Oooohh nnnoooooo!
Billy : IIII doooooonnnnn't wwwwaaaaaannnnnt diiiiiieeee aaaaa vvvvviiiiirgiiiiiinnnnn.
Margaret : Wwwwweellllllll yyyyyyoooooouuuu'rrrrrreeee goooooooiiiiiinnnnng toooooooo. Wwwweeee nnneeeeeeed tooooo mmooooovvvvve aaaaarrrroooouuuunnnnd tooooo keeeeeeep wwwwwaaaarmmmmm!

They begin moving around spastically and quickly. Shortly, Billy turns brown and dies.

Margaret : Biiiiiillllllllllyyyyy nnnnnooooooooo!

Margaret turns brown and dies.

Matty Mousey

A small blonde boy walks by a taller, more built dark haired boy. They are 10 and 11, respectively.

Blonde : What did you call me?
Dark : What?
Blonde : What did you call me?
Dark : Um. Me? Nothing.
Blonde : I know you called me Matty Mousey. What's your problem.
Dark : I didn't. I don't call people names. I have no idea what you're talking about.

The blonde boy starts kicking the dark haired boy like he knows Karate. After a while he gives up, out of breath. He stares at the Dark haired boy, gives him a dirty look, walks away.

Dark : Bye.

TEAM

4 Large men stand with the letters T, E, A, M painted on their chests. They yell for their team.

A : Yah!
E : That was awesome!
M : Hot dog!
T : You guys ever think that, maybe.. like.. when I'm saying cat, you hear dog and what you think of as dog is really cat.

There is a silence amongst them. They again scream for what happens on the field.

A : Sometimes I wonder if I can see through my hand.
E : Yah. Like when you look past it. You can see through it with one eye.
A : That's right!

The two try it.

M : Beer!
T : I can't do it you guys.
A : Just stare past your hand.
T : What?
E : Ok.
He puts his hand passed T's.
E : Now, focus on my hand but look at yours.
T : Oh. wow.
M : Can I get a bag of popcorn?! A peanut?

The men howl and grimace in pain. Something bad has just happened.

E : Well. I guess that's it.
T : Next year.
A : I'm so sick of saying next year. Just once. Just fucking once I'd like to say this year, guys. This year.

A small boy walks up to A. He carries a chess piece.

Small Boy : Are you ready to go dad?
A : Yeah. Let's go.

They leave.

Chicago Has Gone

A darkened, foggy stage. Lights can faintly be seen from ground to sky. Three men enter. One eats pretzels.

Bob : Here we are. Chicago.
Larry : Where?
Sam : I don't see it Bob.
Bob : It's Chicago. Right here, we're here, it's all around.
Larry : I can't see anything in this fog.
Sam : These pretzels are making me thirsty.