Love Letters Between the Sun and Pluto, or, an A.R. Gurney Ripoff Play

The Sun and Pluto sit on opposite sides of the stage. They read from notebooks, in a staged-reading style. This is to allow for any Sun and Pluto to be able to walk up and read the piece.

Pluto : Dear Sun. Thank you for participating in the Big Brother/Big Sister program with me. It is very kind of you. I don't think I've ever had any to really look over me, give me advice, play tag with - well. You know. All that stuff that you're supposed to do. What kind of video games do you like?

Sun : Dear Pluto. You're welcome. I should be thanking you. Ever since, well... my Mary died, I've been looking for someone to fill that void. I think that someone is you. What kind of advice are you looking for? My favorite video game would have to be, Echo the Dolphin on the Sega Genesis. My least favorite, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. I think that guy is creepy.

Pluto : Sun. You like Echo too? I love that game. It's a classic. I'm surprised that you even remember the Sega Genesis. The Genesis was such a great gaming .. should I say, platform? It was truly a work of art. Wow. That's so cool. Yes. Michael Jackson is creepy. Ever since Thriller and Bad, he's gone down hill. Do you remember when he premiered Black or White on TV? It was this huge deal with that one kid, who is now a huge stoner, did some weird lip-synching rap in it? Anyway the whole part after the video? Do you remember where he smashed the car and incessantly rubbed his .. "groin."How weird is that. My friends and I still memorized the dance to it, though. To be ironic.. You see?

Sun : Plootz! It's amazing, we're so far away, yet, so similar. I really feel like we knew each other when we were comets or other celestial beings. Not to condescend or sound like a "know-it-all," Thriller was from the album of the same name, and Bad was also from an album with that same name. Kind of strange how things from our past get all smooshed together.

Irony is always funny.

Do you have a picture? Please send.

Pluto : Dear Sun, your short story was hilarious. I especially loved the whole - "let's keep the dinner table in through the whole thing so we can show a progression of lives going through the house" idea. Hilarious.

Sun : Thanks. That was a long quote.

Pluto : It was.

Sun : Dear Pluto. I'm writing because. Well. I've been having these feelings.. About you. I know, this isn't appropriate for a Big Brother/Big Sister relationship.. But I.. I think I love you. Please. Please respond. Tell me what your feelings are.

Pluto : Dear Sun. I feel the same. Way. I asked Uranus, my only friend out here, about it and all he did was poo-poo all over my ideas. This is why I have you. I know, that was a lame joke. But seriously, I feel the same way.

Sun : Pluto, I've been asked to leave the Big Brother/Big Sister program. They said our relationship had gotten to a point that no longer exemplified a Big Brother/Big Sister program ideal relationship. While I am sad, I'm also excited. We are now free to explore this. What is.. this?

Pluto : Hi Sun, I feel like I miss you, though, we've never met in person. I'll be coming your way soon, I think. Be ready.

Sun : I missed you when you were here. Why didn't you stop? Please write soon.

Pluto : I'm sorry, I. I got nervous and just couldn't stop. I was worried you wouldn't like me in person. Sometimes I just feel so cold and distant. You're so warm and inviting. I though you'd be disappointed.

Sun : Pluto, don't be sorry. I understand. While warm and inviting, as you say, I'm sometimes gullible. What I mean is that we all have faults. I don't see you as the things you described yourself as. I see you to be a thinker. Pensive, but in a really good way. You have so much to offer.

Pluto : Sun, you're right. I'm sorry. I got a letter from the Big Brother/Big Sister program that read, "Dear Pluto, please allow us to apologize for the inappropriate behavior of our former Big Brother/Big Sister program participant, Sun. We do not condone such ill-fated relationships that always end unhealthily and dangerously. In fact there was this one time that a Red Dward fell deep for a black hole, and well, I'm sure you can imagine the gory details. Please, if you'd like to participate again, we have instituted a stronger process to weed out ne'er-do-wells like the Sun. The fucking asshole. Please respond within ten days or lose your spot." Not really the greatest please come back letter, is it? Anyway, I went on the internet and signed them up to receive child pornography at their office. You'd be amazed at how easy it is to do that.

Sun : Brilliant! They deserve all the child porn the world can provide. The whole thing is a sham anyway. I don't really think they should use language like fuck or ass in a company letter, or tell gross stories about red dwarfs and black holes, what are they smut peddlers? Ridiculous. I've been feeling ill lately. I guess I'm just getting old.

Pluto : Sun. I'm sorry you've been feeling so sick. Is there anything I can do? Anything I can send?

Sun : Please send me your love and lock of hair.

Sun : Dear Pluto, Thank you for the lock of hair. Unfortunately, with my hot hands it was burned and lost forever. I like to think that it became a part of my gastric insides, to make another intestinal joke. I've been kind of gassy lately, too.

Pluto : Instestinal jokes are always funny, and fecal jokes. I don't know what it is. Maybe I yearn to be a kid again, always. I'm making my way out there again, on business, will you see me? Enclosed are some "Rolaids" for the gas. Ha-ha. Aids. It has been especially bright here lately. I think it's because of you. The lights have gone from yellow to white.

Pluto : Dear Sun, You haven't responded and my travel plans are coming up soon. Will we meet finally after so much time? Please respond, post-haste.

Pluto : Dear Sun, I missed you on my trip. Have you given up on me? Is there someone else?

Pluto : Dear Sun, I'm sorry. I can't wait around for you anymore. I'd rather be alone with out any other being in my life than sit and wait for you to respond. It's too hard. I miss you. I love you too. Please. This is my last letter, please respond.

Pluto : "Dear Pluto, it is our regret to inform you that the Sun has become a black dwarf. In your time of need it is especially helpful to think of the good times you and the Sun spent together. Surely there are memories you two shared that will help you through these hard times. The Sun was a good friend to all. Please consider donating to the fund. Sincerely, the Earth."