The play I thought of while I waited for Blogger to load so I could post my depressive play from the day before.

A man sits at his desk at a laptop.


Man : Adam battled carnivorous dinosaurs. Even, futilely, George handled Ichisauruses. “Just kindly lift me now!” Oscar pleaded, quieting roused sarcolesteses that undertake vine wolfing.

There is a long pause.

Man : X! Yarg! Ze’gold!

A Jaunt Into Therapy

Patient : -and so I’ve felt like I’ve had this feeling false confidence or overconfidence lately. I mean. Maybe not just lately, but even as a child. I used to turn to my friend steve and say, “Steve. I think every girl in the class except one or two has a crush on.” I would say it very nonchalantly. Naively. And then Steve would repeat what I’d said very loudly. Loud enough for people to hear and look. Even the Indian girl in the class. I don’t know if she liked me, but she was nice.

Pause.

Patient : And even now. I feel like I am excellent at things. Like sports or telling stories and - well you haven’t even given me any type of acknowledgment of the last story I said. No lower eyebrows because I used poor grammar or a small vocabulary or that I referred to “that Indian girl.” From India, not first peoples. Is that correct?

Pause.

Doctor : Are you asking me?

Patient : Yes.

Pause.

Doctor : I’m not here to tell you what is right and what is wrong.

Patient : What? That’s why I’m paying you. If I say, I’m going to swallow some pills, and off myself, you’re supposed to say, "That is wrong. Don’t do that." I’m supposed to trust you and believe you when you say No or Yes. So Yes to bubbles and the park. No to pills or jumping off roofs. Rooves?

Doctor : Roofs.

Patient : And so now I’m feeling basically like everything I thought I was good at before, I am no good at now. And you just corrected me.

Doctor : Sometimes plurals are easier than people.

Patient : So what am I supposed to do then?

There is a long pause.

Patient : Well?

Doctor : Stop worrying.

Dear Google of Yahoos.

A grandmother sits at a table with a typewriter, she types a few final words, stops and pulls the paper out.

Grammy : Dear google of yahoos, did you see that? I made a pun! Let me explain myself to you before I explain why I'm writing to you. I am a grandmother of five. A mother of three. My eldest, Sammy works in construction. He's had problems with drugs in his life, but with the strength of God and his wife's watchful eye, it is my understanding that he has beaten his afflicted addictions and is a more contributive member of the community. His wife, Helen, is his high school sweetheart. She works at the bank. Their children Samuel the III, my late husband Samuel was the first, and Molly are fifteen and twelve, respectively. I don't know what they are interested in.

Grammy takes a sip of water.

Grammy : My second oldest, Betty, was named after the classic beauty, Betty Boop. It was my hope in naming her that she would find stardom on the screen and one day become the next Natalie Wood, with out the whole drugs and drowning. It is strange that I've now mentioned drugs with my two children, no? She has never dabbled that I know of, though, she did go to college and is now twenty-nine. She has three children with her husband, who is a lawyer. Very successful! The three children are aged from fourteen months to six years old. They all love to swim and can't imagine a world outside of their loving home. Every weekend they go to the city park, which has a very large and enjoyable jungle gym on a manmade island in a pond. One time the oldest thought that if you tap your finger on the top of the water by the shore, little fish would come up and talk to you. She is also the first one to explain to me what "mooning" is. My understanding is that "mooning" happens when you expose your buttocks to another person to make them laugh or shriek. Children are very precocious. Betty's middle child is kind of slow, and I think has been diagnosed with Down Syndrome. I am sure you can imagine the guilt and difficulty of raising a child like this. The youngest, named Penelope, as I've said is just fourteen months old, but we all have high hopes for her.

Grammy drinks another sip of water. She loses her teeth in it. She fishes them out with her finger and puts them back in.

Grammy : Finally, my youngest son, Brian. He is a gay and I don't talk to him anymore.

She pauses, thoughtfully.

Grammy : Now to tell you my thoughts. I view the internet as a problem. I don't understand it, nor do I want to. While it may make life easier for some, it has actually made my life more difficult. At my age, I don't want to learn something new, nor do I want to stop all human contact by ordering my groceries, clothing, or spouse "online," as you say. Actually, because I have not become acclimated with the internet or computers, I don't know if any of the above is true. I don't know anything about my family, or even if they're alive because all they do is sit on the internet and send these Instant Messages I hear about on the news. I'm sure you are familiar, instant messages are how men who do ghastly things to little girls and boys contact those little girls and boys? They don't even have phones now, my family, not the perverts, because everyone else is so accessible by internet. The only thing I do know, is, my youngest is a gay and I don't talk to him. Please, stop the internets. Sincerely, Rosette D Mileau.

The Smell Of Socks That Smell Bad

Sarah & Jules

Sarah : Oh my god. Longest day ever-
Jules : Tell me about I -
Sarah : I don't think I've ever walked as far in a single day let alone-
Jules : I was all over the place, too -
Sarah : Let alone in this shift. I probably walked about two miles.

Sarah removes her shoes.

Jules : Wow. I mean.
Sarah : What?
Jules : Wow. Your feet are really -
Sarah : What?
Jules : I mean, they're seriously going to make me violently -
Sarah : Violently what?
Jules : Ill.
Sarah : Oh.
Jules : You weren't kidding -
Sarah : I told you I walked all over at work.
Jules : Well, you'd think that maybe -
Sarah : I'm turning on the tv.
Jules : Maybe you would own socks that fight that stench.
Sarah : You snore really loud.
Jules : Or get some odor eaters.
Sarah : And I hate it when your boyfriend sleeps over.
Jules : Or get a new pair of shoes.
Sarah : I can hear you -
Jules : Or maybe change your socks at least.
Sarah : Doing it. I can hear you fucking.

There is a pause. Sarah turns the TV on.

News : Scientists have found a nebula shaped like a double helix today, the first time a nonorganic double helix has been found in the known universe. Could this mean that the earth's orbit around the sun is actually an electron orbiting a proton? More at 11.

Sarah turns the TV off.

Sarah : Electron?
Jules : We would be as small as we thought neutrons inside of us are.

There is a pause.

Sarah : Your feet smell too.
Jules : Yeah? Well -
Sarah : Yeah?
Jules : You leave food in the garbage disposal with out running it.

Maple Syrup All Over

Man : Oh gross!
Woman : I can't really walk.

Man slips and falls.

Man : I don't think a shower will ever cure me of this feeling I have right now. This feeling of having maple syrup all over my body.
Woman : I still can't really walk.
Man : I think there are bees coming. Do you hear them?
Woman : I hate bees. Almost as much as I hate maple syrup right now.
Man : Bees are awful.
Woman : How did we get like this?
Man : You wanted pancakes.
Woman : Big pancakes.
Man : Was your question rhetorical? Because you clearly know the answer.
Woman : I guess it was. A little.
Man : Oh. Why waste your breath then?
Woman : I have shoes on, plus socks - so that means I can take four steps before my bare feet are stuck to the maple syrup.
Man : Sick.
Woman : I don't think I can take four large enough steps.
Man : You can always use other parts of your clothing. What if you take off your pants before you take your first two steps and then use your shirt when you run out of socks?
Woman : You just want to see me in my underpants.
Man : If I wanted to see you in your underpants, I would get you drunk and rape you.

There is a pause.

Man : I'll turn away.
Woman : Ok.

With Coffee As My Inspiration

A marathon race. There are 10 people in short running shorts, mesh tank tops, and head bands. There is an eleventh man standing in holed and stained sweats.

Man : Everyone. Everyone. With coffee as my inspiration, I've decided to join you. Together we will run to fight for our cause. Together, with this jolt of energy we'll run as fast as we can to defeat -

He looks around.

Man : Breast cancer. I don't like breast cancer, and I don't want it. Together, let's fight. This morning. I'll tell you. This morning I woke up, as you all did, and I made a pot of coffee. And while that brewed I went to Dunkin Donuts to try out their new Ultra Coffee/Espresso mix. I enjoyed it, and felt alivened and awake. I went back home and drank my pot of coffee. After petting the fur off of my cat's neck, I decided to turn the TV on. The TV said that it was time to run to fight breast cancer. Though I didn't know that we were fighting breast cancer until I said "Together, with this jolt of energy we'll run as fast as we can to defeat -" I paused. "Breast cancer." I still feel very strongly about this subject, as my mother has breasts and my uncle had cancer.

The people in the marathon take starting positions.

Man : And now, with this new found love of life and noncancer - we'll run run run. Like a crayon on a hot plate, I will run so fast my the rubber souls of my shoes will melt. And don't we all have a rubber soul? What if, in fact, we all have concrete souls. Immobile, yet resistant to the daily wear and tear of weather and pain. Everything is resistant, depending on how to look at it.

There is a gun shot. Everyone runs off. He continues, but keep yelling to them as if they can hear him.

Man : My blankets resist my legs when I run in my sleep. And this morning I woke up after a dream about playing soccer. I also remember that my attractive friends decided that it was time in our lives to always be nude. I was aroused. I'm aroused now, emotionally. I want to run.

He runs off.

Hometown

Andy & Roger.

Andy : Roger?! Is that you?
Roger : I'm sorry?
Andy : Roger Michaels.
Roger : Yes.

There is a pause.

Roger : Andy Stevens?
Andy : That's right. Wow. I thought you moved away.
Roger : Yeah. I did. I'm back for my friend's bachelor party.
Andy : Wow. Anybody I know?
Roger : No, a college friend.

There is a pause.

Roger : Wow. Andy Stevens. What have you been up to.
Andy : I went to college locally, and now I'm in insurance. I actually don't live here anymore. I'm in the capital.
Roger : Oh. So why are you back then?
Andy : Visiting my parents. My grandmother passed away this week.
Roger : Andy, I'm sorry to hear that.
Andy : She was getting old and well, it wasn't exactly a surprise.
Roger : I'm still sorry to hear that though. I hope your parents are ok.
Andy : Yeah, they'll be fine.

There is a pause.

Andy : Hey, do you remember when we all spent the night at Jimmy's and had a bottle rocket war?
Roger : Bottle rocket war?
Andy : Yeah, Jimmy had that back yard that was huge and big barn. We all slept on his trampoline and ended up all in a big pile by the morning. Everyone felt a little gay - Jimmy actually realized he was gay a few years after that.
Roger : No. I don't remember. I remember Jimmy - I knew he'd turn out to be gay, but I don't remember the bottle rockets. How old were we?
Andy : Oh, it had to have been our freshman year of high school.
Roger : Hm. I don't remember.

There is a pause.

Roger : Hey! Do you remember that band trip where we drove through the hurricane?
Andy : Band trip.. I remember the one to that amusement park by the lake.
Roger : No, this one was across the state and we basically were hit by a hurricance. I guess it wasn't a hurricane, we don't get those here, but it was a really powerful storm, with tornados. We had to stop and sit in some school along the way. It was really scary. Kind of life changing.
Andy : I don't know.

There is a pause.

Roger : Did you hear that Brian is out of the coma?
Andy : Brian?
Roger : Brian McDoogal.
Andy : He was in a coma?!
Roger : Yeah. But now he's not anymore.
Andy : Oh wow.

There is a pause.

Andy : Sandra got married.
Roger : Sandra?
Andy : Sandra Jones?
Roger : I don't know. I wish I had a yearbook.
Andy : Hey - do you remember how that english teacher tried to change our school colors our sophomore year?
Roger : Yeah! I do! What was her name? Mrs.-
Andy : Mrs. -
Roger : B-
Andy : Mrs. Bowery?
Roger : Mrs. Bowen!
Andy : Mrs. Bowen! Yeah that's it.
Roger : Oh man, she was such a bitch.
Andy : I read that she passed away a few years ago.
Roger : I mean. She was a good teacher and all, but kind of a bitch.
Andy : Yeah, I know what you mean.

There is a pause that lasts until Roger and Andy die.

Dictionary Play - Abacus, as in, "an instrument for making calculations by sliding counters along rods and grooves."

Two men in gorilla suits. They sit in recliners. Two large abacuses sit on tables next to the chairs. A banana on a string is lowered from the ceiling. The two get up and wrestle. One of them wins. And takes the banana. He goes to his abacus and slides a bead over. They sit down again. The gorilla with the banana eats it. Once he is finished, another banana comes down.

Dictionary Play - Aback, as in, "taken ~"

Three latino men. They stand in a diner kitchen and have aprons on.

1 : El origen del cohete es probablemente oriental. La primera noticia que se tiene de su uso es del año 1232, en China, donde fue inventada la pólvora.

Existen relatos del uso de cohetes llamados flechas de fuego voladoras en el siglo XIII, en defensa de la capital de la provincia china de Henan.

Los cohetes fueron introducidos en Europa por los árabes.

Durante los siglos XV y XVI fue utilizado como arma incendiaria. Posteriormente, con el perfeccionamiento de la artillería, el cohete bélico desapareció hasta el siglo XIX, y fue utilizado nuevamente durante las Guerras Napoleónicas.

Los cohetes del coronel inglés William Congreve fueron usados en España durante el sitio de Cádiz, en la primera Guerra Carlista y durante la guerra de Marruecos.

A finales del siglo XIX y principios del siglo XX, aparecieron los primeros científicos que convirtieron al cohete en un sistema para impulsar vehículos aeroespaciales tripulados. Entre ellos destacan el ruso Konstantín Tsiolkovski, el alemán Hermann Oberth y el estadounidense Robert Hutchings Goddard, y, más tarde los rusos Serguéi Koroliov y Valentin Gruchensko y el alemán Wernher von Braun.

Los cohetes construidos por Goddard, aunque pequeños, ya tenían todos los principios de los modernos cohetes, como orientación por giroscopios, por ejemplo.

Los alemanes, liderados por Wernher von Braun, desarrollaron durante la Segunda Guerra Mundial los cohetes V-1 y V-2, que fueron la base para las investigaciones sobre cohetes de los EE.UU. y de la URSS en la posguerra. Ambas bombas nazis, usadas para bombardear París y Londres a finales de la guerra, pueden ser definidas como misiles. Realmente, el V-1 no llega a ser un cohete, sino un misil que vuela como un avión de propulsión a chorro.

Inicialmente se desarrollaron cohetes específicamente destinados para uso militar, normalmente conocidos como misiles balísticos intercontinentales. Los programas espaciales que los estadounidenses y los rusos pusieron en marcha se basaron en cohetes proyectados con finalidades propias para la astronáutica, derivados de estos cohetes de uso militar. Particularmente los cohetes usados en el programa espacial soviético eran derivados del R.7, misil balístico, que acabó siendo usado para lanzar las misiones Sputnik.

Destacan, por el lado estadounidense, el Astrobee, el Vanguard, el Redstone, el Atlas, el Agena, el Thor-Agena, el Atlas-Centauro, la serie Delta, los Titanes y Saturno, y, por el lado soviético, los cohetes designados por las letras A, B, C, D y G (estos dos últimos tuvieron un papel semejante a los Saturno estadounidenses), denominados Proton.

Otros países que han construido cohetes, en el marco de un programa espacial propio, son Francia, Gran Bretaña, Japón, China, y la India, así como el consorcio europeo que constituyó la Agencia Espacial Europea, que ha construido y explotado el cohete lanzador Ariane.

2 : Ah, ciencia cohete no es ciencia cohete.
1 : Sí.

A waitress enters. She speaks very slowly and loudly.

Waitress : We. Need. To. Leave. There. Is. A. Suspicious. Man. Outside. We. Are. Closing.
3 (first to 1, then to Waitress) : Soy sorprendido por su inteligencia. I am taken aback by your fear, and while I don't understand the words that you say, I feel that we must leave and follow you. Vamos!

source : Wikipedia.com's Spanish entry for Rocket.

Dictionary Play - Aardvark, as in, "a large burrowing African mammal that feeds on ants and termites with its sticky tongue"

Inside a minivan. A family. A mother, a father, a 12 year old son and a 9 year old girl.

The mother grows more and more annoyed every second this story goes on.

Father : -And so while we did have fun, we were arrested and forced to give the money, the candy, and everything back. Not to mention the community service. We were lucky, though, given that we were minors and cried on the stand, the judge took leniency on us. And any jail time or juvenile deliquency that would have resulted of our convictions was turned into more time for community service.
Son : Cool! So you got to rob a place, get away with it, and then do good things for people who need it?
Father : Well. I guess that's one way-
Mother : What your father did when he was little was a stupid, horrible thing. He was very lucky.
Daughter : I have feet!
Mother laughs : Yes you do, my princess. And perfect feet you have. I wonder if anyone wants to know what feet smell like?

The daughter puts her feet in her brother's face.

Brother : Stop it. That's gross. Dad! I'll hit you if you don't stop.
Father : Don't hit your sister. Leave your brother alone. Jeez, why do you -
Daughter : Mommy?! Can I have an aa- aardie. And aardievarki?
Mother : Oh sweetheart. Do you mean an aardvark?
Daughter : Yes. An aardievarkie.
Mother : Let's say it together. Aard-
Daughter : Aard-
Mother : Vark.
Daughter : ie, varkie.
Mother : Oh sweetie. You're so darling. And for that, I'll get you one the next time we go shopping.
Father : An aardvark?
Son : Dad. I want a gun.
Mother : You're not getting a gun.
Son : Dad?! She gets an aardvark, then I want a gun. It's not fair! I'm older!
Mother : Aardvarks don't kill people.
Son : Neither do guns. If I'm careful and I take care of it, the gun can protect us from robbers.
Dad : I'll think about it.
Mother : What?

Dictionary Play - AA, as in, "AntiAircraft"

A man stands outside a diner. He wears a camoflauge army jacket. He looks older than he should. There is a glass door looking inside. There is a payphone.

Man : And now, with my mind I will stop all air travel above this diner.

He concentrates.

Man : Yes. No aircraft have flown over. My home is completely safe from harm. Home. Hardly anymore. Diner, you used to be my home. When I was little, you used to have an upstairs. I remember you as a house. I walked down the orange carpet from my bedroom. It was the day I learned that I did not like the feeling of wet jeans on my legs. It was a warm feeling, because I had urinated in my pants. Diner. I was little, I didn't have the control I have now.

He wets himself.

Man : Usually. Oh god. I hear an airplane.

He concentrates.

Man : Safe. I remember after I learned to ride my bicycle, I rode down the hill very fast, and fell off. I scraped up my arm pretty badly, and I remember it looking like bird poop. You were where I grew up.

He pauses. A waitress comes to the door, looks at him. Horrified, she runs away from the door.

Man : And then there was the high school. I'd actually moved to a different state. A completely different world. I was naive enough to think that I was just on a vacation from you and I'd return quickly. I did not like high school, so I dropped out when I turned eighteen. I joined the military.

The sound of a plane.

Man : Oh god. I have let my guard down. Aircraft! Stay away! Do not attack my home!

The sound of arguing between a man and a woman.

Man : Why. That's not an airplane. That's a minivan.

A family enters.

Husband : I don't care if she wants it as a pet. We're not getting it for her. You only encourage it. Nobody like a child who is precoscious all the time. Jesus Christ, Patti.

Wife : Don't Jesus Christ me. Your son over there has got delinquent all over him because of your stories of when you and your alcoholic friend would rob convenience stores.

Husband : He's not going to become a delinquent. He knew those stories were to warn him.

A man, a waitress, and three latino men in aprons run through. No one notices.

Wife : You know what? Let's not talk about this right now. We wanted to have a nice lunch. Let's just have it.

There is a pause.

Man : Airplanes! Stay away!

Husband : Fine.

The family enters.

Man : It's been twenty years diner, since I lived in you as my house. I'm not leaving anymore. I'm staying here. Just because you're different than what I remember, doesn't make you less important or not my house.

Dictionary Play - A, as in, "There's ~ man outside"

A man in a diner, he drinks his coffee. The waitress approaches him.

Waitress : More coffee?
Man : No. I'm fine, thank you.

She begins to walk away.

Man : Actually, I'm sorry, I would like more coffee, please.
Waitress (mildly annoyed) : Sure.

She pours the coffee.

Man : I don't really want more coffee. I need to tell you something.
Waitress : What is it?
Man : There is a man outside. He's been standing out there a while. He's kind of suspicious.
Waitress : What do you mean a man?
Man : With a penis. A man with a penis and facial hair. He's been standing outside since I got here. And I've been here a while.
Waitress : Why are you telling me?
Man : Because, you can do something about it. Have your manager ask him to leave.
Waitress : I'm not asking him to leave. I haven't even seen him yet.
Man : Well go look.
Waitress : Fine.

The waitress walks away, leaving her coffee pot. The man tops off his coffee. The waitress runs back and sits across from him.

Waitress : You're right. Oh my god. There is a man outside.
Man : See? I told you.
Waitress : What am I going to do?
Man : Ask him to leave. Tell him that loitering is not allowed here.
Waitress : Won't that provoke him into doing something?
Man : What if he's waiting until the top of the hour to make his move?
Waitress : Oh god, it's nearly one.
Man : Oh shit. I need to go back to work. I've got to go.
Waitress : What? What about the man outside? He's still there. You're just abandoning us?
Man : I've got work.
Waitress : Then don't expect to ever come back here again.
Man : Alright, fine. Do you have a cell phone?
Waitress : No.
Man : Ok. A payphone?
Waitress : Yes. It's where that man is outside.
Man : Shit.
Waitress : Wait. There's a backdoor. What if we both left? I'll get the cooks and we'll all go. So when he makes his move no one will be here to move on.
Man : Ok. Let's do it. I'll go first. Wait ten seconds and follow me. Where's the door?
Waitress : It's back to the left of the bathrooms. With the sign that says "Custodial Supplies, Employees only"

The man pauses.

Man : Ok. I'm going. Remember. Count to ten and follow.
Waitress : Ok.

The man leaves. The waitress counts to ten and leaves also. In the background Spanish speaking voices are heard. Finally, a door is shut and it is quiet.

A family enters.

Mom : Now tell them to hurry up. Say I'm hungry, hurry up!
Little Girl : I'm hungry! Hurry up!
Mom : Hahah.

The family stands and waits.

What It Is Probably Like Between Salma Hayek's Breasts

Three elves skip in a circle. They are small, green and wear overalls. There are happy looking buttons all over them.

Elf Number One : Happy!
Elf Number Two : LALALA!
Elf Number Three : Let's grow some flowers!
Elf Number One : I love flowers!
Elf Nuber Two : Me too!
Elf Number One : I've got seeds!
Elf Number Three : Ok! Let's plant them!
Elf Number Two : Ok! I'll get a watering can! You guys dig the hole!

Elf Number Two skips off. Elf Number One and Elf Number Three begin to dig a hole.

Elf Number One : I love Elf Number Two!
Elf Number Three : Me too!

Elf Number Two returns, still skipping.

Elf Number Two : I'm back! LALALA!
Elf Number One : I missed you!
Elf Number Three : Me too!

All three of them tongue kiss for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Elf Number Two : Let's plant these seeds!

They plant them and water them. They wait.

Elf Number One : They aren't growing.
Elf Number Three : Let's wait longer. It probably takes time.

They wait more.

Elf Number Two : I don't think there's enough sunlight.

A soapy rain falls, heavily.

Elves : I'm drowning! Help me! I can't swim!

The elves die.

My Arm, An Ax, And Its Relation To Those Around Me

A man stands in front of a table. Attached to that table it a vicegrip. He holds an ax in one hand.

Man : I

pause.

Man : am going to cut off my arm. It's symbollic. Pretty awesome. I know. You see. Ever since I was born, I've felt intense empathy for all of my family and friends. Every time they hurt themselves, lost a shoe, were the butt of a joke, or the victim of any negative victimful, or victimless, crime, I feel it. I'm not cutting my arm off because I want to stop the pain. No. Of course not. When the computer game California Games came out for my IBM computer in the 1980's - Do you remember IBM Compatible? Was that a brand or just a signifier that IBM then was what Microsoft is now? When that computer game came out, my dad bought it for me. My brother and I played it for a while and then after seeing that we were so enthralled by this game. Like, the Japanese and camera phones. That's true, that's not racist. Seeing that we liked it so much he decided to play us. He won a couple of times, but once. Just once, I won. I felt horrible. I didn't need to win. I should lose, that's the way it should work. People who are older than me should never lose. They should win. That's what being older is all about.

He lifts his ax. He pauses and drops it.

Man : Like, um. Superman. In the movie where Richard Prior was in it. Like him, I want to take everyone's pain in the palm of my hand as a small piece of coal, squeeze it so tightly so that a million years pass by inside and seconds later, when I open my hand, we have diamonds. I want to ingest their pain and turn into something worthwhile for them. There was a girl in high school. I didn't feel this way about her, but given that I feel this way for most people, I should feel this way about her. Her mom died of cancer. It was sad. It was the first funeral I went to. The first of three so far. My dad made me go. I didn't know how to act or dress. For at least a year after the funeral, sometimes, this girl would look up to the stars. I'd ask her what she's doing. Talking to my mom, she'd say. I'd like to take all that and crush it into a diamond.

He kicks the ax with his shoe.

Man : It took me until I was older to realize that most people have problems. My friends have friends who die. I'd like to take away their pain. Lots of people I know are sad, just because they are sad. That's redundant. And poetic. Poetic. I'm going to cut my arm off for those people. I will focus all of my energy to cut off my arm. It's going to scream to them, "Hey! I know you're sad, but give it to me. I'm cutting my arm of so I feel all your pain. What I'm feeling isn't really the loss of an arm, but it's yours. I'm taking it from you. If I didn't make the decision to cut off my arm, then I wouldn't be taking your pain. But I am taking it. And I'm going to feel it so you don't have to.

He lifts the ax. He holds it above his head during the next section.

Man : And you'll say, who will take care of you? You will. You do. Believe it or not, I have bad days, too. I've had people die. Since I was little, I've had this ability to squeeze my own ills into diamonds. Like Superman. Sometimes I have reactions and maybe I act out. But that's how you help me. You say, Don't be retarded. Or you just humor me until I'm done and I act normal again. But for the future, since I'm doing a pretty big thing here for all my friends, I will only have one arm. Here is a list of things you can do for me. Number one, sew anything that needs sewn. Two, help put velcro on all of my pants, or help me find sweatpants that look good. Three, always be willing to scratch my left shoulder blade.

He takes his left arm and figures out where he can't scratch with his left hand.

Man : Yep. Left shoulder blade. Four, lend me cash when I go to a place that doesn't accept debit cards. Finally, for now, five. If I were to get a balloon tied to my wrist, please be willing to cut it. So from now on you will not be sad, feel pain, or lose at computer games. Or video games. Or card or board games.

He swings his ax downward and cuts off his arm.

Vie-Agra.

A doorway. A visitor knocks on the door. The resident answers.

Resident : Yes?
Visitor : I'm John.
Resident : Do I know you?
Visitor : Yes. We've emailed a couple times.
Resident : Have we?
Visitor : That's right.
Resident : John. John. John.
Visitor : You know, awesomejohn at go dot com?
Resident : I'm sorry. I don't. Did we meet on like, a chat board or something?
Visitor : Well, no. Did you get my emails?
Resident : I can't say I have. This is a joke, right?
Visitor : A joke?
Resident : One of my buddies set you up for this, right?
Visitor : No. I've come from Montana to see you.
Resident : This a joke. Do you even know my name.
Visitor : Gary.
Resident : Oh.
Visitor : Why don't I read to you the email you sent me. It was quite lovely. The subject reads "Nab-luh is bargain, but complementarity." Date : Tuesday February 14th. There's a man's picture. He looks like a doctor. He looks like he knows what he's going to say. "It's ime to save on medicines! More than 900 meds, among generics and branded meds! Xanax, Cialis, Viagra, Valium, Levitra, Zoloft, Meridia, Tamiflu, Hoodia, HGH, Ambien, Soma, Tramadol. Discreet package -

Pause.

Visitor : To your door! Shipped from Canada! Click here! More than 900 meds, no prescription! See risky it's succession! pointwise see arragon some turnabout be scale and martini try goatherd see oswald on turtleneck in michael it's scold it agatha and wheeze the wah the apocalyptic in durkin.

There is another pause.

Visitor : A little unfocused at times, and some grammar errors, but I found it endearing.
Resident : I.. don't know what you're talking about.
Visitor : But I replied to it? You didn't send this to me?
Resident : No.
Visitor : Oh gosh. I'm sorry. Does someone else live here? Maybe you aren't the right person. Who else lives here?
Resident : Nobody.
Visitor : But you do have a computer?
Resident : Yes.
Visitor : I got your IP address. I tracked you down. I thought that. I thought.

A young boy's voice from inside.

Voice : Dad, I'm done with the computer!

There is a long pause.

Visitor : I should be going.
Resident : Yeah.

Wearing Your Coat Inside

Dad : You're wearing your coat.
Son : What?
Dad : Your coat. You're still wearing it.
Son : Oh. Yeah. It was cold outside.
Dad : You're inside now.
Son : Yeah.
Dad : Take off your coat.
Son : No. I'm alright.
Dad : Seriously, take it off. You look homeless.
Son : Not all homeless people have coats, Dad.
Dad : You look like a homeless person who has a coat.
Son : No. I'd rather leave it on.
Dad : I don't understand you.
Son : Why do I need to take it off?
Dad : Who wears a coat inside?
Son : Maybe I'll be going outside soon, you don't know what my plans are.
Dad : Are you going back outside soon?
Son : Maybe.
Dad : No. You're not. You're inside. You don't need a coat. Where's your sense of order?
Son : Where is there a rule that says, inside no coat, outside with the coat?
Dad : It's the way the world works. You wear a coat out of necessity of the coat, not because you can. The first cold day created the thought, I need something warm instead this animal skin vest I'm wearing. You're abusing the coat by wearing it indoors.
Son : Maybe I appreciate the coat so I want to wear it all the time.
Dad : But by wearing your coat all the time, you're conditioning your body to be used to a higher tempurature, so when you go outside, you'll feel colder and you'll need another coat.
Son : Then I'll wear another coat.

Pause.

Dad : There's football on.
Son : Yeah, I'm going outside.

Mardi Gras!

Keri : Oh my god Stefi! I can't believe were going to be at Mardi Gras!
Stefi : Yah! Luckily airline tickets were so cheap!
Keri : Thank God for that Hurricane! This is going to be the best weekend ever!

A man named Richard walks up. He is dressed in a suit.

Keri : Hey! Do you have any beads?!
Stefi : Jesus Keri, look at him. I bet he doesn't.
Keri : Watch this. Hey! I'll show you my boobs for some beads!
Stefi : You're so awful Keri.

The laugh.

Richard : I've got a mardi gras bottle opener.
Keri : I want beads. No boobs.

Another man named Jake walks up. He has a fistful of beads.

Keri : Hey! Buddy! Look at this!
She flashes him.
Jake : Alright! That's waht I like to see.
He tosses a single beaded necklace to her
Keri : Yeah!
Stefi : Keri, that was so awesome!

Richard looks at his bottle opener, sighs and walks away.

Ice Cream Insurance

An Ice Cream truck pulls up. Three children run to him.

Ice Cream Man : Hello Kids! What kind of ice cream are ya in the mood for today? Some Chunky Munkey? Maybe a red white a blue Rocket Pop? How 'bout a classic ice cream sandwich?

Kid 1 : Can I have 2 scoops of vanilla please?

Ice Cream Man : 2 scoops of vanilla? I think I can accomodate that request.

Kid 1 : You guys, he can do it.

The other kids quietly pump their fists and say "Yes"

Ice Cream Man : Here ya'are.

The Kid hands the ice cream man a dollar.

Ice Cream Man : Great. You still owe 2 more dollars then.
Kid 1 : Your sign says a dollar.
Ice Cream Man : That may be true, but you need insurance to buy my ice cream.
Kid 1 : Inshoesrant?
Ice Cream Man : That's right, Billy. You see, insurance is going to protect you from if you drop your ice cream on the floor. By giving me two dollars now, you'll be saving yourself money and heartbreak later. Let's say you walk away from me right here and there's a gust of wind, knocking your ice cream onto the ground. By having insurance, you can rest assured that I'll take care of that ice cream for you, and replace it at no additional charge to you. It's protection for you, the consumer.

The Kid stares blanky at the Ice Cream Man and hands him two more dollars.

Ice Cream Man : Great. Now, I just need you to sign this waiver.

The Ice Cream Man hands a clipboard and a pen to Kid 1.

Kid 1 : Waiver?
Ice Cream Man : Now Billy, you can't expect me to just give you some ice cream with out making sure you're allowed to eat ice cream? By signing this waiver, you're helping me protect myself and keep my costs down.
Kid 1 : What?
Ice Cream Man : This waiver states that you're not lactose intolerant and you can eat ice cream. It also says that if any internal problems, like bleeding, happen after consuming my ice cream you can't sue me. Also, if your parents don't want you eating ice cream, they won't be able to sue me either. All of this rests on you, the consumer. It's really to protect myself from lawsuits. And listen to this, by signing this waiver and cutting down on those lawsuits, you're helping me save money and keeping my prices low.
Kid 1 : But I gave you three dollars.
Ice Cream Man : It could have been five.

The kid signs the form and gets his ice cream. He begins to eat it, but with out the excitement from before.

Ice Cream Man : Now, who is next?

The Slowest Burger King in America is also the Closest Burger King To My House

A man stands in front of a Burger King drive through sign.

Sign : Welome to Burger King, would you like to try our new Angus Cheesy Bacon Steak Burger today?
Man : No thanks. I'll have a number one with cheese and a Dr. Pepper please.

Nothing happens. There is a pause.

Man : Hello?

Still nothing. About a minute passes and the main engages in a staring competition with the sign.

Sign (with a different voice) : Welcome to Burger King what can I get you?
Man : Uh. A number one with ch-
Sign : With cheese?
Man : Yea. And Dr P
Sign : And to drink?
Man : Dr. Pepper, please.
Sign : We don't have Dr. Pepper.
Man : You don't? But it's on your sign?
Sign : We don't have Dr. Pepper. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Orange, and Sprite. What to drink?
Man : But your sign says Dr. Pepper.
Sign : We don't have Dr. Pepper. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Orange, and Sprite. What to drink?
Man : Coke. Coke is f-
Sign : Five sixty at the second window.

There is a click. The man waits for a moment, and then walks away.

Hanging Around

Don hangs from the ceiling. He sways back and forth, he has a noose around his neck. Don't mom enters.

Don's Mom : Oh - Don?! Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. What did you do? Why Don -
Don : Mom.
Don's Mom : Why Don.
Don : Mom!
Don's Mom : Don?!
Don : Hi Mom.
Don's Mom : Don! Are you - a ghost?
Don : No. I'm not dead.
Don's Mom : You're not? But you- you're hanging there.
Don : Ok. I'm dead. You're right.
Don's Mom : Oh god. Why Don, why?
Don : Uh. Hm. I guess I was kind of bored. I thought.
Don's Mom : You were bored? But now you're dead?!
Don : Yeah. but.
Don's Mom : Don! Now you'll never get married, or have a job, or see the world. Anything.
Don : Jesus, mom! Listen. I don't care about that. I kind of just wanted to be able to spend some time at home. You know.. not go to heaven or hell, but be in limbo right here for a while.
Don's Mom : But why Don?
Don : We haven't spent much time together lately.
Don's Mom : What?
Don : You and me. We haven't really spent time together lately.
Don's Mom : Wh- oh. Well.. I've been working a lot lately.
Don : I know. And I missed you, so I thought that if I could be forced to stay here for a while, maybe we could, you know, spend time together like we did when I was a kid.
Don's Mom : Oh, Don.
Don : I think Sleepless In Seattle is supposed to be on TV tonight, will you turn it on and get some popcorn? Maybe we can watch it together.
Don's Mom : Sure Don. Sure.

The Tip Of Michigan and You

Man : Wow. I never knew.
Woman : Well, we should be going.
Man : Ice and snow?
Woman : Yep. Every year, it shrinks and grows.
Man : And it's shrinking right now?
Woman : Spring is coming.
Man : But it's so cold.
Woman : We really need to go, before the sn-
Man : The tip of michigan isn't even made of earth. This whole part of the state is one ice cliff that won't even be around in two weeks.

They stand and look out. He reaches out and grabs her hand.

Murder At the Robot Factory!

The setting : A Robot Factory. 3 men stand along a belt that finishes robots and turns them on.

Roger : And that, my friends, is how they fooled us into thinking we landed on the moon.
Mike : Wow, Roger. Wow.
Kurt : You actually believe that?
Roger : What do you mean?

Mike flips a switch on a robot and it turns on and continues down the belt.

Robot : Hello. I am Robo-tor. How may I service you?
Kurt : I'm just saying that it's kind of ridiculous that they would put in that much effort to lie to us. Why not just go to the moon anyway.
Roger : The point isn't going to the moon, it's thinking we went to the moon so that the country can win the space race.
Kurt : You're so gullible. I can't believe that-
Robot (overlapping) : Hello. I am Robo-tor. How many I service you?
Kurt : you'd believe something so ridiculous.
Roger : It's not ridiculous.
Kurt : It is.

Kurt swings a wrench and accidentally hits Mike in the face.

Mike : Ow. Shit! Why did you do that?
Kurt : I'm sorry Mike. THat was an accident. Jesus.
Mike : Am I bleeding?
Roger : I think he's bleeding.
Kurt : He's not bleeding. Is he bleeding.
Mike : I'm not bleeding.
Kurt : Are you sure?
Robot : Hello. I am Robo-tor. How may I service you?
Mike : Yeah. I'm fine. Goddamnit, be careful Kurt.
Kurt : I'm sorry. God. I shouldn't even work here. I'm so clumsy and it's not like I need the money.
Roger : What do you mean?
Kurt : You guys don't know?
Mike : Know what?
Kurt : I inherited some money.
Roger : What, like 200 bucks or something.
Kurt : Try 200,000. Look at this.
Robot : Hello. I am Robo-tor. How may I service you?
Kurt pulls out an overflowing envelope of cash.
Mike : Holy shit, man. Look at all that money.
Kurt : I know. I'm gonna buy a car tonight, after work.
Mike : But seriously. That's a lot of monney.
Robot : Hello. I am Robo-tor. How may I service you?
Roger : You could be stabbed for that money.

The lights go out. There is a shuffle, a groan, and the lights come on again. Kurt is laying over the belt with a knife in his back.

Roger : Holy shit. He got stabbed!
Mike : I didn't do it.
Roger : I didn't do it either.

At this point, the audience should sit and talk amongst themselves, guessing at who could have done it. Do they think they know? Ok! Continue.

A Robot walks up behind Roger.

Robo-tor : Hello. My name is Robo-tor. How may I service you now?
Mike : The robot? The robot did it?
Roger : But, how?
Robo-tor : Roger. You. told. me. to. do. it. You. said. stab. Kurt.
Roger : What? No I didn't. I said that Kurt could get stabbed for that money.

Robo-tor hits Kurt again.

Roger : No. No Robo-tor. Stop!

Robo-tor stops and stares at Roger. It holds up Kurt's money and shoes.

Robo-tor : Ha. Ha. Ha.

The Final Western Union Telegram

There are two doors in an apartment complex.

Man : .. You know what Brian? I don't think that she's the one. I mean, seriously, would they play that card so early in the series. It's all about how he meets this woman who one day becomes the mother of his children. Let me call you back, I've got to deliver another telegram.

The man knocks on the left door. An old man answers it.

Man : Are you Richard Mendelson?
Old Man : Yes.
Man : I've got a telegram for you. Could you sign here?

He hands out a clipboard.

Old Man : Could you read it to me? My eyes aren't what they used to be.
Man : Sure. It says, "Dear Richard. My Mary has passed away. As we get older, we begin to value everything more, and it's taken away from us. I hope all is well with you. Write soon." And that's it.
Old Man (upset) : Thank you.

The Old Man closes his door and a large cry is heard. The Man reaches into his bag a pulls out another telegram.

Man : Last one, where are you going? This is my address.

He pulls out his cell phone. The conversation is heard.

Bill : This is Bill.
Man : Bill, this is John.
Bill : Uh. Hey John, what's up?
Man : I'm looking at a telegram with my address on it. Is that correct?
Bill : Let me check today's grams.
Man : It's kind of weird. I don't know anyone who sends telegrams. Everyone I know emails or calls or writes a letter.
Bill : Yep. That's right it's sent to you. It's yours.
Man : That's so strange. Do I deliver it to myself or do I open it here.
Bill : Technically, I guess you're supposed to deliver it to yourself before you can open it.
Man : Alright. I guess I'll get to it then.
Bill : Take it easy. Good luck.
Man : Good, what?

There is a click, Bill has hung up. The Man walks to the door on the right, pulls out his keys and opens the door, all the while keeping his eyes on the telegram. He stops and opens it.

Man : "Dear John, this will be the final telegram sent from our company. We have shut down this department. Thank you for the years of service. Bill."

Stuck In the Vent for You

A rooftop. A curved vent. Above a convenience store. The owner of the shop, Roger, enters, looks out and lights a cigarette.

Roger (sighing) : Here we are. Another day.

A Voice Inside The Vent (meekly) : Hello?

Roger turns, looks around, seeing no one, goes back to looking out.

Voice : Hellooo?

Roger : Is someone there?

Voice : Yes! Can you help me? I'm stuck.

Roger : Where are you?

Voice : I'm in that curved vent. Where are you?

Roger : I'm on the roof of my convenience store.

Voice : This is your convenience store?

Roger : Yes. Why?

Voice : Oh. No reason. Can you help me get out of here?

Roger : How did you get stuck in there in the first place?

Voice : It was a dare.

Roger : A dare to go in my vent?

Voice : I mean, I dropped my girlfriend's engagement ring in there.

Roger : Why were you near the vent with your girlfriend's engagement ring in the first place?

Voice : I (he pauses) was (he pauses) exterminating things.

Roger : Come out with it. What are you doing in my vent?

Voice : My name's Steve. What's yours?

Roger : No. I asked what you're doing in the vent.

Voice : I know, but I want to know your name.

Roger : My name is Roger. Now. Why are you in my vent.

Voice : You won't get mad?

Roger : I don't know you. I'm already mad that I have deal with this perfect stranger in my vent.

Voice : You use the word vent a lot.

Roger : What else will I say? Tube? Air conditioning portal? Place where that guy Steve died because I left him there and didn't tell anyone about it?

Voice : You wouldn't!

Roger : I don't know you. What if you're a cokehead?

Voice : I'm not a cokehead! I'm not a cokehead!

Roger : Then tell me. Why are you in my vent?

Voice : I am in your vent because

He mutters something inaudible.

Roger : Because what? Speak up.

Voice : I was going to rob you.

Roger : You were - I'm calling the police.

Voice : No! No, wait! Please. You have such a nice store and I wanted to share in that niceness. I was going to just take what I needed. And I wanted to impress a girl.

Roger (sarcastically) : Your girlfriend?

Voice : No. Not yet, at least. Her name's Candi. I have a picture. A picture slides out of the vent and falls to the ground. When you're done, could you just drop it back in, so I can have it back.

Roger : She's pretty.

Voice : She looks kind of loose in that picture. She's a dancer down the street at McMichaelman's.

Roger : I didn't want to say anything, but I recognized her.

Voice : I'm trying to get her to quit. Some of those girls are awful. If you really want to see a cokehead just look at half of those strippers.

Roger : So you did this for love?

Voice : Well. Yeah. I've been by your store before, and you always seem so happy and families shop here. Some of them are like me, a little underprivileged.

Roger : Tell me about it.

Voice : But they still come out happy. I wanted a piece of that. I was desperate. I can't afford even the smallest of things from your store.

Roger : So you've been inside?

Voice : No. This is the closest I've ever been. I assumed everything was too expensive.

Roger : I've actually got some pretty good deals going on right now.

Voice : Oh yeah?

Roger : Yeah. Alright. Look, I'm going to run down to the store and get some rope to get you out of there. I won't call the cops, but you should never return to my store.

Voice : Ok.

Roger leaves. A Cell phone rings.

Voice : Hello? Oh Hi Candi. How are you? Sure, I'll come see you dance tonight. No. I can't really meet you for lunch. I'm... about to walk into a business meeting. Yeah, meetings all day. Yes, I have seen Chronicles of Narnia. That guy does look like the Burger King. One of my friends had to point it out to me, but yeah. It's uncanny. Hey, I've got to go. I'll see you tonight, ok? Ok. Bye.

There is a pause. Roger comes back.

Roger : Ok. I'm going to tie this rope to a pole over here. And then I'll tell you to climb out. I'll pull on the rope to to get you out.

Voice : Roger? This may be strange, but could you not be here when I climb out? It's kind of embarrassing and I'd hate for you to see my face and later recognize me.

Roger : I'm not leaving.

Voice : Well. Could you turn around then? I don't want you to see me. I bet I can pull myself out.

Roger : I guess.

Roger, after tying the rope to the building sets down a small envelope next to the rope. He has written Steve on it. He puts the rope in the vent, it is pulled as to be taut. Roger sits against the opposite side of the vent and looks the other direction.