Stuck In the Vent for You

A rooftop. A curved vent. Above a convenience store. The owner of the shop, Roger, enters, looks out and lights a cigarette.

Roger (sighing) : Here we are. Another day.

A Voice Inside The Vent (meekly) : Hello?

Roger turns, looks around, seeing no one, goes back to looking out.

Voice : Hellooo?

Roger : Is someone there?

Voice : Yes! Can you help me? I'm stuck.

Roger : Where are you?

Voice : I'm in that curved vent. Where are you?

Roger : I'm on the roof of my convenience store.

Voice : This is your convenience store?

Roger : Yes. Why?

Voice : Oh. No reason. Can you help me get out of here?

Roger : How did you get stuck in there in the first place?

Voice : It was a dare.

Roger : A dare to go in my vent?

Voice : I mean, I dropped my girlfriend's engagement ring in there.

Roger : Why were you near the vent with your girlfriend's engagement ring in the first place?

Voice : I (he pauses) was (he pauses) exterminating things.

Roger : Come out with it. What are you doing in my vent?

Voice : My name's Steve. What's yours?

Roger : No. I asked what you're doing in the vent.

Voice : I know, but I want to know your name.

Roger : My name is Roger. Now. Why are you in my vent.

Voice : You won't get mad?

Roger : I don't know you. I'm already mad that I have deal with this perfect stranger in my vent.

Voice : You use the word vent a lot.

Roger : What else will I say? Tube? Air conditioning portal? Place where that guy Steve died because I left him there and didn't tell anyone about it?

Voice : You wouldn't!

Roger : I don't know you. What if you're a cokehead?

Voice : I'm not a cokehead! I'm not a cokehead!

Roger : Then tell me. Why are you in my vent?

Voice : I am in your vent because

He mutters something inaudible.

Roger : Because what? Speak up.

Voice : I was going to rob you.

Roger : You were - I'm calling the police.

Voice : No! No, wait! Please. You have such a nice store and I wanted to share in that niceness. I was going to just take what I needed. And I wanted to impress a girl.

Roger (sarcastically) : Your girlfriend?

Voice : No. Not yet, at least. Her name's Candi. I have a picture. A picture slides out of the vent and falls to the ground. When you're done, could you just drop it back in, so I can have it back.

Roger : She's pretty.

Voice : She looks kind of loose in that picture. She's a dancer down the street at McMichaelman's.

Roger : I didn't want to say anything, but I recognized her.

Voice : I'm trying to get her to quit. Some of those girls are awful. If you really want to see a cokehead just look at half of those strippers.

Roger : So you did this for love?

Voice : Well. Yeah. I've been by your store before, and you always seem so happy and families shop here. Some of them are like me, a little underprivileged.

Roger : Tell me about it.

Voice : But they still come out happy. I wanted a piece of that. I was desperate. I can't afford even the smallest of things from your store.

Roger : So you've been inside?

Voice : No. This is the closest I've ever been. I assumed everything was too expensive.

Roger : I've actually got some pretty good deals going on right now.

Voice : Oh yeah?

Roger : Yeah. Alright. Look, I'm going to run down to the store and get some rope to get you out of there. I won't call the cops, but you should never return to my store.

Voice : Ok.

Roger leaves. A Cell phone rings.

Voice : Hello? Oh Hi Candi. How are you? Sure, I'll come see you dance tonight. No. I can't really meet you for lunch. I'm... about to walk into a business meeting. Yeah, meetings all day. Yes, I have seen Chronicles of Narnia. That guy does look like the Burger King. One of my friends had to point it out to me, but yeah. It's uncanny. Hey, I've got to go. I'll see you tonight, ok? Ok. Bye.

There is a pause. Roger comes back.

Roger : Ok. I'm going to tie this rope to a pole over here. And then I'll tell you to climb out. I'll pull on the rope to to get you out.

Voice : Roger? This may be strange, but could you not be here when I climb out? It's kind of embarrassing and I'd hate for you to see my face and later recognize me.

Roger : I'm not leaving.

Voice : Well. Could you turn around then? I don't want you to see me. I bet I can pull myself out.

Roger : I guess.

Roger, after tying the rope to the building sets down a small envelope next to the rope. He has written Steve on it. He puts the rope in the vent, it is pulled as to be taut. Roger sits against the opposite side of the vent and looks the other direction.