Love Means Hurt to Show Love is Really Love

Woman 1 : I want to lock you up so no one can see you but me.
Woman 2 : I want to write your name on every bathroom stall in America - Nay, the world - but not give the right phone number so only I can call you.
Woman 1 : I want to drink the ocean's water until there's none left so you can walk to other continents.
Woman 2 : I want to end every song with your name so I can always be reminded of you - not that I'm not thinking of you anyway, but reminders are good.
Woman 1 :I want to name all the stars after you but not tell anyone so only I can know that they're yours.
Woman 2 : I want to blow up important centers of international trade so you can see the magnitude of my love for you.
Woman 1 : I want to punch the face of everyone who looks at you because they don't deserve to look at you.
Woman 2 : I want to sing Bruce Springstein songs to you because while his music is subpar at best, I would lower my expectations to be with you.

Pause. Simultaneously, Woman 1 punches herself in the face. She screams in pain, crying. Woman 2 sings "Born to Run," by Bruce Springstein.

Woman 2 : H'ooh!
Baby this town rips the bones from your back.
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap,
We gotta get out while we're young
'cause tramps like up, baby we we born to run.
Baby, we were born to run.

They go until they stop, then limp or walk off stage.

1 Year Retrospective/Out of Context, into Context/Recycled Words

I, Adam, stand somewhere where you can see me, not hidden away in a missing post from the past (I'm surprised if you found this).

Adam : About one year ago, I started this silly little blog to get in the habit of writing. After falling behind, catching up, giving up, starting again, falling behind... and all of that. I thought possibly now would be a good time to give a retrospective "stage montage."

I make the quote fingers on stage montage.

Adam : So let's go back to a couple lines from some of my favorites, shall we?

I pull out a piece of notebook paper with handwriting all over it. It's nearly illegible, except it is legible because I have to read from it.

Adam : You're not listening to me. I'm a local, from born and raised right here in the town of Oregon. Are you- Are you sent from the heavens? Gobble, gobble. Beep. I ended up in jail because she was 15. I'm ok. It's the middle of the summer. I'm home schooled. I'm going to talk to you. Why shouldn't I do that? Fuck you turkeys! I hate you. I could rule pretty well. Use your teeth then. Just bend over and pick up that ball and paddle. Well, then, congratulations to you. I've got a bomb! I would care if you stopped. I like what you do. And you're married. Fine. We're almost relics. Would it be weird of me to ask you for coffee? You aren't doing anything right now are you? It's very dark tonight. We've come to the realization that we can't afford anything beyond a minimal amount of food. Hello. Oh, hello there. How do you feel? Ok, what? Look at me. I have eyes, I can see. Blurt it out too. I'm sorry. I was over-stimulated and lost control. I'm sorry. Hey. I'm on fire! Is someone there? I heard there was an uprising with Moonies. Hi. How are you. I'd like a number two please. To go. We have so much to talk about. When I wrap the cotton wap around the toothpick, it gives me slightly more control over the swab, so I can put my make up on better, clean my ears better. Roger? Did you still want to go to that RV show this afternoon? Portugal. Well, yeah - they once tried to change the slogan to Toled-Oh! but rather than making people thing, "Oh! Toledo." They thought "Tolee D'oh!" like Homer Simpson. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Hot dog! What did you call me? IIIIII'mmmm tiiiiiired. Leeeeet's haaaaaave diiiiinnnnnnneeer. They deserve all the child porn the world can provide. That's very racist of you. KoKo, this is Dolly. Dolly. No. Not hamburger. Dolly! She is our new friend here. The world is changing Ziggy. Why can't you change too? Hey, you show him who's the fucking motha'fucka'. Oh my god, I've done it. I have felt. I think I should go. Chiclets? I really have nothing to say about this subject anymore. I'm embarassed for you. Maybe you should pick up the Ben Franklin rock instead. That's not what I mean. No. Definitely not funny. Good morning foot. It is time. Today is the day you will meet her. Her. Your mother. It's been years since you first began writing your letters. First letters, then emails. Emails. Amazing where the world has gone in terms of ease of communication, technology, board games. Do you think that in the future, we might return to the pen and paper. But by pen and paper, you mean communication through thought. Mother, I'm thinking to you, are you there? Yes. Yes. Yes. That was Carrie Underwood's new Jam. Oh yeah? Oh, haha. Yeah. I could see that. Mike! Watch this. Occupied. I suck the farts from dead chickens. When-I-was-little-I-fell-off-my-two-wheeled-bicycle-and-skinned-my-elbow. I-thought-it-looked-like-bird-poop-and-my-mom-had-to-come-get-me. Then-when-I-was-a-little-older-in-a-different-state-I-was-riding-a-different-bicycle- too-fast-and-skinned-the-back-of-my-ankle-where-my-achilles-tendon-was. It-hurt-real-bad. Do you guys want to play Don't Break the Ice? Could you turn around then? Bill, this is John. Jesus. The tip of michigan isn't even made of earth. This whole part of the state is one ice cliff that won't even be around in two weeks. I think Sleepless In Seattle is supposed to be on TV. Hello? Can I have 2 scoops of vanilla please? Hey! Do you have any beads?! You look like a homeless person who has a coat. I'm John. If I were to get a balloon tied to my wrist, please be willing to cut it. Let's grow some flowers! Actually, I'm sorry, I would like more coffee, please. Airplanes! Stay away! I wonder if anyone wants to know what feet smell like? El origen del cohete es probablemente oriental. La primera noticia que se tiene de su uso es del año 1232, en China, donde fue inventada la pólvora. Sandra?Everyone. Everyone. With coffee as my inspiration, I've decided to join you. Together we will run to fight for our cause. Together, with this jolt of energy we'll run as fast as we can to defeat - Breast cancer. I don't think a shower will ever cure me of this feeling I have right now. I don't think I've ever walked as far in a single day let alone- I'm sure you are familiar, instant messages are how men who do ghastly things to little girls and boys contact those little girls and boys? Stop worrying. “Just kindly lift me now!” Oscar pleaded, I'll find where you sleep and cut off your balls. Bernie Mac is funny. Today I'd like to talk about James Pumpernickel Abbott. He lives at 3555 Avantar St in Ohio, Illinois. His phone number is 800-866-2449. He has an 800 number because he gives his phone number out to everyone he meets and thinks more people will call him. More women will call him if it's free. I don't know how this is working for him, as I am in space. Which is why I'm floating. Right now. I think I'm going blind in my left eye. If there's anything I can't stand it's a woman who feels like she needs to be proud just because she's in charge. That's horse shit. Touch it. Diiiiiiscooooouuuunt Shooooooeeeees. Hi. I'm a dollar bill. Do you remember me? I used to be worth a gallon of gas. Hello? Hello? Is someone out there? Jim? Are you borrowing some sugar? That's fine. I wish you'd called first, but go ahead. Jim? Welcome to Sunglasses Hut. You're squinting, and I'd like to stop that. It went past funny and into killing the joke. Where's the couch? Yeah. yeah. I'm fine. Just, you know, cold. Title, the American Civil War, March twenty-second, two thousand six. I'm here to convince you to stop reproductive cloning. All four of you, well.. maybe more, but I know only four of you are listening. Dear Me, In the future, you will marry a whore named Allison. Do you think people use the word despondent just to sound smart? Aren't there enough D-E words? ... If I could do this all again, and I mean this... whole thing. I don't think I could. I should probably stop using my gasoline car. You know, last year I had this problem with a performance being cancelled and it seems that everything always has glitch in it sometimes. Look, I've got to go. And. You need to stop this. Now. Add 2000 years to the year you last remember. I'm going to kill you. I'm not really sorry. I love you. What's your name? Hello? Richard? Hello? Is Richard there? Hello? No peppers tonight, please. Hello? No. I'm sorry. Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You've got God, I've got the Internet. Sandwiches. I don't know which one to get. Are you eating? What about you What did you do? I'll pay. Rich? Get the fuck out of my room! I paused there, for a minute. I did something else, and now I'm back. Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep. I haven't connected in years. Tom? Who's Tom? Again, incredibly sorry about this turn of events. I'll never wear anything but yellow sweatsuits. Blood inside the bag? Did it... oh god. Did it eat him? Henry Henry Henry. Oh god. Put your penis in my disk drive. I got it at the gap. I am but a boy! I am but a boy! They were almost dead, so I was just finishing them off. Technically, that's how they died. There were some other hurdles in that race, let me tell you.. No. No. You. Where did you grow up. So I say to the other guy, hey - get your ooze outta my wife. Bye. Oh. Well... Ok. Derg. Nuff. Car. Persa meek opop. It's best with Spanish rice. No - it's me. I'm so clumsy. God. My pants. A fucking child? A motherfucking goddamned shiteating child? Jesus Christ! You're on the train? Over the bridge? Let me think. That will be. Gosh. Uhm. That'll be about fifteen minutes, tops. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! God fucking fuck! Why would you do that? This is horrible! Why? Oh god it hurts! Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck! I can't come to you! Please stop and give me ice cream! I'll give you money! it looks like bird poop. Can you tell me about sizing for your- for your men's underpants? My icecream cone. it's kind of embarassing, but my hair, sometimes gets a little. And I'm going bald right here, slowly, I'm giving you the larger cup today, at no charge. Are you ready to laugh? It's ok everyone. Everyone! It's ok. I have a snack in my bag. I want to sing Bruce Springstein songs to you because while his music is subpar at best, I would lower my expectations to be with you...

I put the piece of paper away.

Me : Thank you.

I leave. The stage collapses. Everything catches fire. Including you.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for, Lionel Richie?

A and B stand blindfolded on opposite sides of the stage. Lionel Richie's Hello? plays. Before the play starts, someone spins A and B around so they are very dizzy. Both are holding props (a rubber chicken and a Rubik's cube, for example). Throughout the play, they try to make their ways to each other by any means possible (crawling, if necessary).

A
I feel very lost.

B
I hate that I can't see you right now. I am mortified that I have to trust that you are out there somewhere.

A
I am here waiting for you! And I think you're radiant.

B
Why can't I find you? Where did you go?

A
I'm here, and I have a gift for you.

B
This distance is terrible.

A
This will get better. We will be better. The distance? Its temporary.

Once A and B reach each other, they remain blindfolded.

A
Here, this is for you. (Hands prop to B.)

B
Wow, is this a rubber chicken (or whatever the prop is)? I'm flattered. Here, this is for you. (Hands prop to A).

A
We were meant to be, you and I. And this Rubik's Cube proves it.

A and B hug.

I've Got A Snack In My Bag

Man : It's ok everyone. Everyone! It's ok. I have a snack in my bag.

He points offstage.

Man : The messenger bag off stage left over there. There is a snack in the one of the smaller pockets inside the main part of the bag. I can not eat it right now, as I need to finish this play first, but as soon as I leave the stage. I will, in fact, walk to my bag and open it, remove the snack, and then eat it. In mere moments, that is what I will do. I will eat it and enjoy its glorious mix of crackers and cheese and the fact that they give me enough power and control over my cheese to cracker, or cracker to cheese ration destiny. They put that cracker in my hand and say, look here, guy! You choose!

I've been looking forward to this all day. As a child I would rarely get this kind of snack. But when I do - OH BOY, it was glorious. Goodness abounded, and special events and memories mark the specific days I had these crackers and cheese. My first kiss, 13 years ago, an A+ in a science class 8 years ago, a goal in a soccer match 5 years ago. We didn't win - But I STILL SCORED. I'd not thought about this for years... until, listlessly walking through the grocery store. Suddenly, Crackers and Cheese. Crackers and cheese - crackers and cheese! Every single time, something goes well. So. In a few moments, I will tempt fate. I will look her in the eyes and ask her what's in store for me, today. With only a short time remaining today, what will she do this time. Something great will happen. I have this feeling.

He makes a circle with his hand around his stomach.

Man : Here we go!

He runs off. The lights fade. The rise up again on ANOTHER man sitting center stage with the empty container of the cheese and crackers. He lips the tips of his fingers. The first man just walks out, up stage and in a corner and stares.