Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I'm Really Not That Interesting.

Man : Let's not kid ourselves, I'm really not that interesting. I have no idea why you're listening to me speak right now. These words right here, are not original they're used a millions times a day. I'd translate them into a different language to seem more worldly, or whatever, but what's the point? Really. And I don't know any other languages well enough to say anything in a different language. I know HOLA. That's it. HOLA is like HULA, that's how I remember it. I know. You're disinterested, so am I. I might as well just sit here and look at you.

He does so for a painfully long time.

Man : I waited too long on that. It went past funny and into killing the joke. I've made something that had promise into something of a compromise. You sat there, maybe laughed, waited and thought, "maybe it'll get better." Well it won't. You should stop paying attention right now. To be completely honest. Which I may or may not have been as of yet, I'm checking someone out in the audience. She's really very attractive. I might ask her out after the performance. If she doesn't leave before I'm done or run the hell out of the theatre before I can sneak around to the front and corner her. You're thinking, why don't you ask her out now? In front of everyone. She'd have to say yes. Yeah. She'd have to.

He shrugs, as if to say, "that's not me."

Man : This morning, when I was brushing my teeth, my gums started bleeding. It reminded me of a show I once watched about people who hunt rodents in the Midwest.

He pauses, remembering.

Man : I thought to myself, I wonder if I should go to the dentist. Or, do I need a new toothbrush. Or, maybe sugar is wearing away my gum skin. I kind of wish we didn't have teeth. I used mouthwash to make up for any lack of brushing I could've done. Sometimes, I find that when I don't brush consistently, like.. before I go to bed every night, my teeth kind of look whiter. Maybe it's because some teeth that are kind of white turn a little yellow to match the rest of the teeth further back in my mouth that are kind of yellow. It's not gross that they are, it's just one of those things that happens when you get older. Like me. I'm older than I was before. I'm boring you. I don't actually know anything about dental hygiene.

He pauses.

Man : The best way to hunt rodents is to sit with a gun and wait in a field. It's really more for fun than anything. Nobody eats squirrel or mouse, unless they're really poor. You know, I'm really kind of bored. I'd like someone else to talk for a while.

He looks to the audience. He finds someone and points at him/her.

Man : You. Come up here and talk about something I haven't talked about yet. Make it interesting.

Whether the person comes up or not. The man takes a seat and takes a drink of water. He yawns.

Man : Great. Thanks for helping. The way this is written can actually change tone depending on that last section. If a person comes up to help me talk, I say, Great! Thanks for helping! if the person doesn't come up, I say, more sarcastically, Great.. Thanks for helping. Isn't it fun to get an insider's look at playwriting? I'm not going to lie, I just made that up. There is no script to this piece. To be one hundred percent honest with you, this is community service for something I'd done a long time ago. Not that long, but long enough to where I'm bored with this whole concept. That's why I don't care. I'm forced to do this. I was visiting old friends from when I was a teenager and living somewhere else. And. Well. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

He pauses, reflecting.

Man : I defecated on a cop car. On the hood. It was a dare. Normally my friends aren't like that. It was one of those moments where you say, "Wouldn't it be great if dot dot dot." But no one really expects anyone to do it. I'm sorry to talk about fecal matter. So here we are. On two sides of this stage looking at each other. You're stuck here because you probably paid too much money to sit here and be entertained. You don't want to leave. You might be hoping something great might happen. Like a helicopter or a chandelier falling. You don't want to give up the little morsel of hope you're clinging to. Maybe? Maybe? Maybe? I'm standing here because the judge didn't think that doing that awfully gross thing could be excused because it was just a dare and not serious so it shouldn't count.. How did you all get here? What possessed you to come see this? Was it morbid curiosity? Or just the thought that a play called, "Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I'm Really Not That Interesting" would be a lying title and would actually be really interesting. It's not. I'm sorry. I have to do this for a long time. I'm the first in a new program called, "Tell them what you've done." Instead of doing actual community service where I clean up the highways or help children, law breakers are forced to stand up in front of a crowd of people for some predetermined amount of time and talk about why they're standing there. What you've done. Some of you will have to do this. There's a man in the back who looks like he'll probably be on this stage when I'm not, saying, "Greetings ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Hank show. I'm Hank and I was drunk driving the other day. Now, let me tell you about the joys of drunk driving. I had a friend who had a friend once who said he loved drunk driving when it was snowing out because it's like being in a real life video game of asteroids." And so on. It'll probably be a lot more interesting than what I'm talking about. Sometimes, when I'm in your position, watching a play or a live anything, and the person who is talking makes eye contact with me, I clam up and squirm in my chair. It makes me really uncomfortable, but now, it's fine. How many of you feel like that right now? The squirming part. Raise your hand and I'll stop looking at you. I want you to at least feel like I made an effort. Anybody? Thanks. If you all don't mind, I'm going to write a grocery list for later.

He takes out a pen and paper.

Man : 1. Skim Milk, 2. A dozen eggs, 3. Pasta parenthesis, preferably angel hair pasta, parenthesis. 4. Some kind of meat. 5. Cat food. - I'm sorry. I'm boring you again. I'm almost done though, it looks like, according to the theatrical device that you can't see behind your heads, or, the clock, I've just got a little longer before I'm done. So why don't we hum a song to pass the time more quickly. Like how you're supposed to when you brush your teeth or wash your hands. Row row row your boat should it be? Let's do that. I'll start.

The man hums row, row, row your boat and urges the audience to join in. After about the third time, he stops and walks off stage.