pways aw much cutew when theyw aw no aws or ehws.

two old men sitting in rocking chairs.

richard : i wemembew when i was wittew.
sam : wittle?
richard : vewy wittew.
sam : how wittew.
richard : oh. maybe twewve.
sam : i was twelwve once too.
richard : thewe was a giwl i woved. hew name was sawah. it seems siwwy to think you wove someone that young, but i knew she was fow me.
sam : and was she?
richard : fow one gwowious weekend.
sam : oh?
richard : i had a cwush on hew from the moment i saw hew. sawah was bwonde, thin, and had bwew eyes. she wit up a woom with hew smiwe. it sounds cwiche, but that's what she did awways.
sam : she sounds wondewfuw.
richard : she was. i was too shy to ask hew to be my gewfwiend, but hew fwend, jessica, asked me fow hew. she was my fiwst gewfwiend. it was the end of the schoow yeaw and she gave me hew phone numbew. i was too afwaid to caww aw summew. it was siwwy. all the times i would caww and hang up the phone. when we got back to schoow i asked hew if she was stiww my gewfwend and she said, "suwe, i didn't know we wewe stiww togethew ovew the summew, so i had anothew boyfwiend, is that ok?" and i was so enamowed with hew that i said, "ok." and then after we tawked and wistened to music on the wadio once ow twice, she bwoke up with me. it was two days. but it was wondewful.
sam : even for two days?
richard : yes, she was that sweet. and i was that sweet on hew.
sam : did you tawk aftew that? aftew you bwoke up?
richard : no. she moved away. but then moved back. and then dated one of my neighbows. she got kind of woose, if you know what i'm saying. then she moved away again.
sam : that's too bad.
richard : i wish i knew what happened to hew.
sam : it's bettew that you don't.
richard : why is that?
sam : i'm not suwe, but it seems wike it would be bettew.
richard : i guess as we get owder and fowget things, this is a memowy, i'm happy to fowget like this instead of a saddew one.
sam : twue. it makes it easiew to wet go of.
richard : i wondew if she feews the same way.

the end.

vikings!

a viking, with another viking.

viking 1 : i feel like my face always has blood on it.
viking 2 : so..?
viking 1: i'm a vegetarian.
viking 2 : yeah. i eat fish.
viking 1 : don't you ever feel like people think you're a cannibal with blood on your face?
viking 2 : no.
viking 1 : oh. i do.
viking 2 : that's weird.
viking 1 : no, what's weird is setting john erickson on fire and pushing him out on a boat.
viking 2 : that's culture. that. is. culture.
viking 1 : oh.
viking 2 : it's kind of epic, too.
viking 1 : i imagine anyone who dies after us will want to be cast off into death like we do it for our friends and family.
viking 2 : because it's epic?
viking 1 : yeah. because it's epic.
viking 2 : yeah.

they stare off.
the end.

sleeping on the floor.

a couch with a man and woman on it. two men on the floor. it is nighttime.

john : evil dead is such a great movie. i told you you'd like it.
scott : i know. always hilarious. i'm always a little sickened about the hand to chainsaw part, but still find it hilarious.
john : seriously.

pause.

john : what about you dan? sarah?

pause.

john : guys?

pause.

scott (whispered) : i think they're -
john (whispered) : shup up! no! on my couch?
scott (whispered) : does he think we're asleep?
john (whispered) : maybe he doesn't care...

from now on, everything is whispered. it's tiring to write "(whispered)" over and over again.

scott : it's kind of funny. and awesome that he's confident enough to do that here.
john : god. but - they'll probably break up soon anyway.
scott : so.
john : is it really worth getting head in front of your friends when you're going to break up in a month or two?
scott : well - no... but are you getting it right now?
john : well, scott....

pause..

john : i'm kidding.
scott : oh good. i mean - people talk - but i didn't think-
john : are you serious?
scott : well, i mean - no one has ever seen you with a girl, john.
john : there just hasn't been one i like.
scott : yeah, but you don't even talk about women like that either. i'm sorry.. i'm just telling you what i've heard.
john : no. no! girls, man. i like girls.
scott : ok. but give me something to go on, when was the last girl you had?
john : i - there isn't one.
scott : not one?
john : no.

pause.

scott : are you sure you're n-
john : stop it man! no! i like women.
scott : ok, fine. and there's no one you're at least mildly interested in?
john : well, there's this girl at the office supplies store.
scott : yeah?
john : she's kinda hot. she's a little, uh, round, but has huge breasts. i wanna - well you know.
scott : oh yeah. that's hot. you should get that.
john : yeah. i don't know. we're friends. i'd hate to -
scott : yeah friends is hard.
john : and it's work.
scott : yeah, i don't have a job.
john : work is almost like family.
scott : oh - that's disgusting john.
john : i mean, like a family you can sleep with - but you worry if you do - you'll become an outcast like a- drunk gay uncle.
scott : i got it.

pause.

scott : you should just get her drunk enough to pass out.
john : i've thought about it.

pause.

john : dan?

pause.

john : dan?
the end.

gaps in history

woman : i have to go.
man : what?
woman : i need to -

darkness.

the woman has gone. the lights rise again.

man : what? where - ...

darkness.

the woman is back. the lights rise again.

man : where did you go?
woman : i told you where i was going.
man : no you didn't you said -

darkness. the man is gone. the lights rise.

woman : i told you i was going away. but maybe you didn't listen. i need to go. away from you. it's time to go.

darkness. the woman is gone the man is back.

man : what? where?

he looks around.
the end.

i'm cooking dinner

a man stands with a frying pan. in it is a piece of meat.

man : i have been standing here for ten minutes. i have no moved and i am allowing my body to conduct it's heat into this piece of meat. so far all that i have conducted is a mental survey off the good and bad ideas i have had this week.


pause.

man : number one. Saturday night, though technically Sunday because it was 3 am. instead of taking the subway to my actual stop, i purposely missed my stop and walked further back. because i was drunk i did not think it would take much longer. in fact, it did. i walked home about twenty minutes at 330 in the morning alone. the bad idea, though, didn't come until i reached my home and tried to hop up the steps.

he bends over to lift his pant leg, but he keeps the pan at the same height as he had it when he was standing. he pulls his pant leg up and reveals a large gash.

man : i fell down. i worry that because i'm not insured i may get gangrene and have to amputate, but again, because i'm not insured i'll have to do it myself.

pause.

man : i'm pausing for laughter.

pause.

man : that makes good ideas versus bad ideas one to one. on sunday night i baked cookies which is neither a good idea nor a bad idea because it involves cooking, which is something we all must do in our live; but on monday i ate most of the cookies meant for my coworkers. as someone who would someday like to think about becoming a little more health conscience, this was a bad idea. i pooped a lot that day. i don't know if it had anything to do with the cookies or that i ate lots of grapes the day before. pooping could be considered a good idea. two to two.

man : on tuesday i decided to watch the film, the illusionist. this was a bad idea. it is only wednesday and today i followed to police officers off my train and walked directly behind them and sort of in between. i pretended that i was a big star and strutted for about ten feet until they turned and walked a different way than i was going. i thought about what it would be like to steal the gun from the younger looking cop's belt, which would have been a bad idea - but i was only thinking it, and so the act of inaction makes it not an idea. following closely behind the police officers was a good idea, because if i were a celebrity being escorted through the subway system, i would have been a bit safer. celebrity is in your mind anyway.

he tries to flip the meat and it falls on the floor. he sighs.

answering machine

jim sits in front of answering machine. he presses a button.

jim : hello, you have reached jim waterbee, i'm not home right now, please leave a message.

he lets go and listens to the recording. he fingers the ring on his ring finger. he presses the button again.

jim : hello, you've reach the home of the waterbees, please leave a message.

he lets go. he starts to listen but presses the button right after "waterbees."

jim : hi it's jim - i'm doing alright hope you are too - leave a message.

he lets go. he listens he pressed the button.

jim : hi it's jim if you're looking for susie, carl or jane - they have a different phone number now - it is 555-2601.

he lets go. he presses a different button.

machine : please leave a message after the tone.

it beeps. he gets up and walks away.

rosemary/look the other way

a beautiful woman on one side, a man with a burglar mask digging through and counting a bag with a money sign on it on the other. man with a cell phone in his hand in the center.

man : wh-what are you doing over there?
burglar : nothing! leave me alone?
man : no, you're stealing that big bag of money, aren't you?
burglar : no, leave me alone.

the woman, who has been watching, falls down.

woman : oh! excuse me, could you help me up?
man : i-i guess.
woman : thank you. i'm so busty i couldn't help but trip and fall. top heavy, you know?
man : oh - i'm sorry i have to -
woman : you know, you look a lot like a celebrity, i can't think of who though, do you get that a lot?
man : no,

he steps toward the burglar. lifting his cell phone.

man : you there, stop or i'm calling the police.
burglar : i swear to god man, if you don't leave me alone.

the woman takes off her shirt or drops her top so her breasts are showing.

woman : oops! excuse me? could you help me. it seems my breasts are showing.

the man turns around.

woman : my large, completely natural, perky breasts.

[she pauses]

woman : with glorious nipples.

man : yeah i'm...

he helps the woman fix her dress or put her shirt on.

woman : thanks, it's not often someone helps you dress. you have soft hands.

she puts her face in his hands, she is between him and the burglar. he looks to the burglar.

man : sir! if you don't stop, i will take the cell phone in my pocket here and call the police. i am not responsible for the actions you have chosen to enact!
burglar : oh that's it!
woman : i feel like i can really talk to you, but i don't want to. i just want to give you a blow job.

the burglar stands up, starts to pull out a gun.
the woman starts to unbuckle his pants.
the man pulls out his cell phone.

the end.