Underneath A Mess Covered Desk

Me : Work. Work. Work. I am very bad at work.
Desk Gnome : Hello.

pause.

Desk Gnome : Adam.
Me : Uhm. Hi. What? Who's there?
Desk Gnome : Me. Your desk gnome.
Me : Hello?
Desk Gnome : The six inch little man next to your monitor.
Me : Oh. Hello.
Desk Gnome : I've come to ask you something.
Me : You're a desk gnome?
Desk Gnome : Yes. I live on dirty desks, I wanted to ask you. Nay, implore you-
Me : I didn't know such a thing existed.
Desk Gnome : Well we do. Will you not-
Me : I mean. Wow. Can I take a picture.

Desk Gnome sighs deeply.

Desk Gnome : No.
Me : Oh. Well. What if I took one anyway? You're pretty small and I can run pretty fast.
Desk Gnome : I'll find where you sleep and cut off your balls.
Me : I won't take your picture then.
Desk Gnome : My question, demand, rather is -
Me : How do I know you're my desk gnome? Do other desks in my office have gnomes too?
Desk Gnome : No. Your desk is the only messy one, which leads me to ask you -
Me : How do I know you're not lying to me?
Desk Gnome : Ok look, I know you pick your nose when no one is around.
Me : Wow. You're my desk gnome.
Desk Gnome : Can I tell you what I want then?
Me : Sure, Handy.
Desk Gnome : What? Who's Handy?
Me : You are. Since you're my desk gnome, I thought I'd give you a name, Handy. Do you not like that name, Handy?
Desk Gnome : I already have a name and Handy is a stupid name.
Me : I don't like Desk Gnome as your name. What about Maurice.
Desk Gnome : Yes. Fine. Fine. Maurice will be my name. I'm Maurice. I like picnics and fences. I have a dog named Rusty.
Me : John.
Desk Gnome : What?
Me : Your dog's name is John.
Desk Gnome : Who names their dog John?
Me : Maurice the Desk Gnome does.
Desk Gnome : Yes. Fine. My question?
Me : Go ahead.
Desk Gnome : Please don't clean your desk.
Me : Handy, that's more a request than a question. They're different.
Desk Gnome : Will you not clean your desk?
Me : I don't like your grammar.
Desk Gnome : Don't clean your desk! If you do I won't have a home and I'll die.
Me : Ok.
Desk Gnome : Thank you.

The Desk Gnome leaves. Me starts to hum to himself and clean his desk. A loud, highpitched shreak is heard and it trails off. Me stops looks around, then resumes cleaning.