Underpants

A man, in underpants that are too small. He stands in front of a mirror turning and looking. Sucking his stomach in, letting it go. adjusting himself. He is in a bathroom. with a long mirror. A phone is by him. It is on speaker phone. Phil Collins, "One More Night" plays. It is Mono.

Customer Service Woman : Fruit of the loom, cause it fits?

The man jumps to phone.

Man : Hello? Hello?
Customer Service Woman : Yes. Hello.
Man : Hi my name is James. I'm calling from Nebraska.
Customer Service Woman : Hello James, what can I do for you today?
Man : I have a couple of questions.
Customer Service Woman : Well, maybe I have a couple of answers.

The man laughs, forcedly and continues quickly.

Man : Can you tell me about sizing for your -

He picks up the phone.

Man : for your men's underpants?
Customer Service Woman : I'm sorry?
Man : Men's underpants. The sizing, can you tell me about the sizing?
Customer Service Woman : Please hold.

The man goes back to hold. He stands for a moment. Presses speakerphone and puts the phone down. "One More Night" continues.

Automated Voice : Thank you for choosing Fruit Of The Loom. Because it fits. In order to direct your call I will need some information. Please say your answers loudly or press a numeric key for you answers. Are you ready? Say Yes or No. Or press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

Man : Yes.
Automated Voice : Your answers was, Yes. Is that correct? Say Yes or No. Or press 1 for yes, 2 for no.
Man : Yes.
Automated Voice : Thank you. Please listen to following list of options, then choose one. For Men's and Boy's wear, say Men's or Boy's wear, or press 1. For Woman's or Girl's wear, say Woman's or Girl's wear, or press 2.
Man : Men's or Boy's wear.
Automated Voice : You have chosen, Men's and Boy's wear. For Adult Male garments, say Adult Male garments or press 1. For Boy's garments, say Boy's garments or press 2.
Man : Adult Male garments.
Automated Voice : You have chosen Boy's garments. Please be aware, if you are an adult male making this call, please be aware that this call will be recorded and filed with the State of New York to help protect the children of America
Man : Wait, no. No.
Automated Voice : Please state your name and address. For operator assistance say operator or press 0.

The man walks over the phone and presses 0. The phone clicks. "One more night" plays again. He stands by the phone. Waiting.

Customer Service Woman : Fruit of the Loom, cause it fi-
Man : Hi. I was misdirected from the automated system.
Customer Service Woman : Ok. Let me track this phone call.

There is the sounded of typing. Then a pause.

Customer Service Woman : Mmmhmm. And you were trying for?
Man : Men's undergarments - Look I just have one quick ques-

One more night plays. In mono. Again.

Automated Voice : You have reached, Men's Garments. Were you inquiring about 1, Briefs, 2 Boxer Briefs, 3 Bo-
Man : Boxer briefs.
Automated Voice : -ers, 4 trunks, or 5 high fashion undergarments, press the number preceding each title or say each title.
Man : Boxer briefs.
Automated Voice : You have chosen, Boxer briefs. Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs are America's most comfortable underpant. With the freedom of boxers, but the fabric and comfort of a brief, boxer briefs graze in the happy middle of stylish, functional and attractive. Boxer briefs come in a variety of colors and styles, including flat black, red, gray and striped. Each pair comes with a superior elastic waistband.

The man sits down.

Automated Voice : You can even purchase Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs at most major shopping outlets. Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs come in four sizes, Small, for waists approximately thirty to thirty two, Medium, for waists approximately thirty four to thirty six, Large, for waists approximately thirty eight to forty, and extra large for waists forty two to forty four. Thank you for your interest in Fruit of the Loom.

The phone hangs up. The man waits. A dial tone rings. The man picks up the phone. A redialing phone is heard. He sits back down. The phone rings.

Automated Voice : Fruit of the Loom, cause it fits?
Man : Hi I'm-
Automated Voice : All of our representatives are currently working with other callers, please wait on the line.

"One More Night" plays for an obscene amount of time. The man goes to the bathroom the moment he flushes -

Customer Service Woman (the same from before) : Fruit of the -

she pauses.

Customer Service Woman : Loom. Because it fits.
Man : Pleae don't put me on hold, or transfer me. I have a simple, quick question.
Customer Service Woman : Ok, sir. How can I help you.
Man : Well, my name is James and I'm calling from Nebraska.
Customer Service Woman : Ok.
Man : I just bought a pair of boxer briefs from the store, sized medium, because that what I normally get with other brands. I thought this time I'd try Fruit of the Loom, because - well because it reminded me of when I was a kid and - anyway, that's not the point. Like I said, normally I get medium sized because I'm sized 34, and that's the size for a Hanes pair and what's listed for medium on your, but for some reason, the pair I'm wearing are just a bit snug.
Customer Service Woman : The pair you're wearing?
Man : Yeah.
Customer Service Woman : As in, right now you are currently wearing them?
Man : Yes.
Customer Service Woman (sighing) : Well sir. Studies have shown that Fruit of the Loom underwear tends to run smaller than other brands.
Man : Oh.
Customer Service Woman : Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Man : No, I mean.. I guess not. That's it? It just runs smaller? So I wasted 8 dollars on - and the time I spent on the-
Customer Service Woman : Thank you for calling Fruit of the Loom.

She hangs up. There is a dialtone. The man looks in the mirror, shaking his head. He puts his pants on and leaves.