Let's Do A Play! Together!

Two people. In all blacks. Backstage. They are stagehands.

Man : God I hate this play.
Woman : It's awful.
Man : They do a terrible job, too.
Woman : Well.. the guy who plays the lead is ok.
Man : You mean the one who is playing the Mel Gibson role?
Woman : Yeah.
Man : In the King's play?
Woman : Is it the King's play or the Queen's play?
Man : I... I guess I'm not really sure. I've always just called it by it's name.
Woman : You're tempting fate.
Man : Well, I sometimes like to go to MACdonald's with my friend BETH.

Offstage Man's Voice (it's like he's squawking, painfully) : TO BE!!?!?

Man : God. I could do this better.
Woman : Why don't you?
Man : Because this play is stupid. And I don't know the lines.
Woman : We should write our own play.
Man : God. What a great idea. Who better to write plays than the people who have sit and listen to how awful they can be.
Woman : None of that emotional drivel.
Man : I love the word drivel.
Woman : It's a sophisticated word.
Man : And only has two syllables.
Woman : Mm. Yeah.

They gaze at each other.

Offstage Man's Voice : THAT! Is the question..

Woman : God. It takes forever.
Man : He's milking it tonight.
Woman : He is. When is he not?
Man : I'd like to take my tool that's tied to my beltloop with twine and

He gently swings his wrench.

Woman : Careful of the -
Man : I know. I built it.
Woman : Styrofoam.

pause.

Woman : It really looks like a real tombstone.
Man : Thanks. I based it off of my mother's.
Woman : I'm sorry.. when did she -
Man : She's not.. yet.. When I was twelve we planned ahead.
Woman : That's great that you can bring in your own life experiences to make your art.
Man : What if we -
Woman : Yes?
Man : What if we stopped the show.
Woman : The run?
Man : Well, yeah.. but right now. Someone needs to help these poor people being subjected to a dead language that they only pretend to appreciate or understand. Even a renaissance fair is better than this.
Woman : I love renaissance fairs.
Man : Me too.

Pause. They gaze.

Man : But it would have to be funny.
Woman : Really funny.
Man : Because this play isn't.
Woman : Not at all.

pause.

Woman : Funny.

The man stands up quickly. His crotch is eye-level and close to her face. She stares as he says his next line for just a moment, then stands up too.

Man (he whispers, but yells his whispers, he is impassioned) : With this wrench, we will save this audience. This show. We will do our own show. One that will change their view of theater,
Woman : Yes!
Man : Comedy,
Woman : Yes!
Man : Shakespeare.
Woman : Oh yes!

They storm out through the curtain.

Voice Offstage : What- What are you -

The sound of struggle. The sounds melons being smashed with a hammer.

Woman's Voice : Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the interuption. The you were once seeing.
Man's Voice : And so quiet for -
Woman's Voice : In a bad way,
Man's Voice : Has been cancelled.
Woman's Voice : And now, we only have one question,

Grandiose pause.

Man's Voice (expectantly, as if to make the greatest punchline ever) : Are you ready to laugh?

Silence. The lights go out quickly.