Personal Hell

Adam is in a regular wooden room. Brown. He's wearing regular clothing. Tshirt and Jeans. Satan comes out. He is holding a peach.

Satan : Hey. Adam.
Adam : Yeah?
Satan : I'm Satan.
Adam : Wow. Hi. You were definitely not who I was expecting to see at the 30 mile race.
Satan : Well. Your fat ass passed out within about ten feet. You had a heart attack.
Adam : And I died?
Satan : Yup.
Adam : Huh. Wow.

They both pause to reflect.

Adam : Alright then. I'm in hell, is it?
Satan : Yeah. Sorry.
Adam : Oh, no, it's not your fault. I mean. I must have deserved it.
Satan : Yeah. There were all those handicap jokes. And racist jokes.
Adam : For the record, I was being ironic.
Satan : Yeah.. well, I don't know if you know that, but Jesus was a cripple.
Adam : Huh. Cripple is ok?
Satan : Yeah. I mean.. probably not, but I'm Satan so I kind of do what I want.
Adam : Oh. Ok.
Satan : So, yeah, there's really nothing ironic about that.
Adam : That's too bad.
Satan : Yeah. Well.. Let's get started.
Adam : Oh. right. I'm supposed to not have fun, right?
Satan : Yeah. Again, incredibly sorry about this turn of events.
Adam : It's ok. I mean, I guess to the onlooker, my demise was ironic.

Pause.

Satan : Yeah I don't see it.
Adam : Oh, you know, I made fun of retards -
Satan : Cripples
Adam : Right, sorry, cripple. So I make fun of them and now I'm dead.

Pause.

Adam : Yeah. I guess not.
Satan : Maybe if you'd become one yourself, then I could see the irony.
Adam : Hey, did you ever read those bubblegum books?
Satan : Huh?
Adam : Bubble Gum Monster and the Bubble Gum Monster Monster Strikes Again. Oh and Revenge of the Bubble Gum Monster?
Satan : No.
Adam : Oh. well, I just has the thought that maybe bubble gum was an allusion to money because this saves his gum every night and it becomes this monster. Like the title.
Satan : Huh.
Adam : Yeah.

Pause.

Adam : Hey, bring a snack with you?

He points to the peach.

Satan : Oh. No. This is -
Adam : You know, I have this thing about the texture of peaches.
Satan : Uh.. yeah. I know. Hold out your hands.

Adam does. Satan begins rubbing the peach all over them, Adam makes faces like he's going to throw up. Forever.