one more cup of coffee for the road

a counter on one side of the stage. a man named guy on the other. the colors are tan and dusty. there are eight people in front of him. his friend is behind him.

guy : yeah, fine. let me just use the bathroom and we'll get out. hey! where the bathroom.

the attendant shouts back. epically.

attendant : yeah! it's behind the counter - but you need

guy (muttering) : need.

attendant : to buy something.

guy : how 'bout a coffee?

pause.

attendant : when it's your turn.

bill : damnit guy, let's just go.
guy : no bill, we can wait. i'll just get a cup. to go.

if guy were number 9, each person closer to the register lowers toward 1. the lowers numbers leave the counter with coffee or a pastry. the higher numbers turn from waiting in line.

1 leaves the counter : hey, why don't you interrupt me when i'm ordering coffee, eh?
guy : i'll talk to the counter guy when i want.
1 : not when i'm ordering my coffee.
guy : ... i already did.
1 : don't do it again.
guy : if i do, i'll make sure you're there.

1 leaves.

guy : people, bill. they're not like you and me.
8 : why are you pushin' man?
guy with joyous enunciation : pushing?
8 : what's the problem, can't wait to get your cup? well fuckoff, i'm in front o' you and -

guy swings wide and punches the guy. he flies to the side.

guy : i hate swearin'. ignorant.
bill : guy - let's get out of here. i don't like the feeling of this place.

phil collins comes on.

guy : oh who played this shit?
7 (manly, wanting to pick a fight) : i thought you didn't like swearing?
guy : when i talk about phil collins (he pauses for effect) it ain't swearin'.

guy kicks the jukebox, the music changes to something more country. maybe a country song that would be good for bar fighting.

7 : ... i happen to like phil collins, that was my favorite song!

7 pushes guy. guy turns to bill. he grabs bill and swings him into 7.

guy : bill.
bill : yeah?
guy : duck.

bill ducks and guy roundhouse kicks him. not like a ninja, but like a man with cowboy boots and no fear of the law. guy follows up on the fallen body kicking him a little.

bill : guy -
guy : shoulda' stayed with genesis - yeah.
bill : please don't ever do that again.

2 leaves with coffee guy stares him down as he walks by. 3 finishes at the counter, runs at them, wielding a knife and a spilling cup off coffee. he swings at guy making indian sounds. from somewhere, a rifle flies into guy's hand. if only life had slow motion. he points it at 2. 2 ducks out of the way

guy : no, here.

while 2 ducks from the gun, guy's hand is hitting the cup and making the coffee spill into 2's face. 2 screams in pain. guy shoots him.

6: hey - what are you -

guy shoots him, too. he just stands for a minute, calmly waiting in line for coffee. 3 reenters and walks up behind bill. he shoot him in the back, causing his chest to explode with an obscene amount of blood everywhere. covering guy's backside.

bill : guy -
guy : bill!
bill : i'm
guy : what is it buddy?
bill : i'm sorry -

bill dies. guy looks up toward 3 who stands with a gun pointed in his face. guy reaches out a hand toward 3 as if to say, "stop, you win," but instead one of those guns that pops out of your sleeve pops out of his sleeve and they both let off a shot. 3 falls. he stands up - unphazed. he turns around to the last person in line, people. 4 is a woman 5 is a man. 5 turns around and throws his cup to the floor and puts a knife to the woman's neck.

guy : sara?
4 : guy?! i'm - i'm sorry. i thought we were on a date.
guy : but he has a knife.
5 : alright shut up - shut up. shit the - it's the end of the road guy. the end. your sister here -
guy (quietly, passionately, epically still) : i only wanted to use the bathroom.

guy drops his gun.

guy : leave her alone. whatever you want.
4 : no, guy!

4 tries to shift out 5's clutches, but to know avail. 5 cuts the throat of 4 (guy's sister) and an obscene amount of blood deluges guy's front. he is now covered on both sides with blood.

guy : sara!

he falls to his knees and holds her head.

guy (rising in volume and to his feet with each word) : i only wanted to use the bathroom!

he leaps 5 and topples him, the knife flies out of his hand. guy stands up and stomps 5's face, until it gets uncomfortable for the audience. once he stops, he steps over the bodies to the cash register. the attendant is shaking with fear. guy reaches in his pocket and slams down some change. the attendant jumps.

guy : coffee, light and sweet.

4 moves.

4 : guy?
guy : sara? you're not dead.
4 : no.. no... i'm not.
guy : sister.

she gets up, they kiss passionately for a very long time. it's epic. wind should blow her hair, and if she's wearing a skirt, it should blow to make the men in the audience think they might get to see her underwear. the attendant gets his coffee and hands it to him. they stop kissing.

guy : bathroom.

the attendant points, shaken. guy walks toward the bathroom, looks at himself. blood pours out of his stomach like a a faucet that only pours gallons of blood each second.

guy, referring to his wound and his lack of napkin : napkin.

the attendant hands him a small napkin, the cheap kind you get at an ice cream stand. guy walks back toward the bathroom and collapses into the door. the attendant looks 4 screams and rushes to him. the end.