a play a day

pways aw much cutew when theyw aw no aws or ehws.

2007-03-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

two old men sitting in rocking chairs.

richard : i wemembew when i was wittew.
sam : wittle?
richard : vewy wittew.
sam : how wittew.
richard : oh. maybe twewve.
sam : i was twelwve once too.
richard : thewe was a giwl i woved. hew name was sawah. it seems siwwy to think you wove someone that young, but i knew she was fow me.
sam : and was she?
richard : fow one gwowious weekend.
sam : oh?
richard : i had a cwush on hew from the moment i saw hew. sawah was bwonde, thin, and had bwew eyes. she wit up a woom with hew smiwe. it sounds cwiche, but that's what she did awways.
sam : she sounds wondewfuw.
richard : she was. i was too shy to ask hew to be my gewfwiend, but hew fwend, jessica, asked me fow hew. she was my fiwst gewfwiend. it was the end of the schoow yeaw and she gave me hew phone numbew. i was too afwaid to caww aw summew. it was siwwy. all the times i would caww and hang up the phone. when we got back to schoow i asked hew if she was stiww my gewfwend and she said, "suwe, i didn't know we wewe stiww togethew ovew the summew, so i had anothew boyfwiend, is that ok?" and i was so enamowed with hew that i said, "ok." and then after we tawked and wistened to music on the wadio once ow twice, she bwoke up with me. it was two days. but it was wondewful.
sam : even for two days?
richard : yes, she was that sweet. and i was that sweet on hew.
sam : did you tawk aftew that? aftew you bwoke up?
richard : no. she moved away. but then moved back. and then dated one of my neighbows. she got kind of woose, if you know what i'm saying. then she moved away again.
sam : that's too bad.
richard : i wish i knew what happened to hew.
sam : it's bettew that you don't.
richard : why is that?
sam : i'm not suwe, but it seems wike it would be bettew.
richard : i guess as we get owder and fowget things, this is a memowy, i'm happy to fowget like this instead of a saddew one.
sam : twue. it makes it easiew to wet go of.
richard : i wondew if she feews the same way.

the end.

vikings!

2007-03-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

a viking, with another viking.

viking 1 : i feel like my face always has blood on it.
viking 2 : so..?
viking 1: i'm a vegetarian.
viking 2 : yeah. i eat fish.
viking 1 : don't you ever feel like people think you're a cannibal with blood on your face?
viking 2 : no.
viking 1 : oh. i do.
viking 2 : that's weird.
viking 1 : no, what's weird is setting john erickson on fire and pushing him out on a boat.
viking 2 : that's culture. that. is. culture.
viking 1 : oh.
viking 2 : it's kind of epic, too.
viking 1 : i imagine anyone who dies after us will want to be cast off into death like we do it for our friends and family.
viking 2 : because it's epic?
viking 1 : yeah. because it's epic.
viking 2 : yeah.

they stare off.
the end.

sleeping on the floor.

2007-03-22T22:47:00.000-04:00

a couch with a man and woman on it. two men on the floor. it is nighttime.

john : evil dead is such a great movie. i told you you'd like it.
scott : i know. always hilarious. i'm always a little sickened about the hand to chainsaw part, but still find it hilarious.
john : seriously.

pause.

john : what about you dan? sarah?

pause.

john : guys?

pause.

scott (whispered) : i think they're -
john (whispered) : shup up! no! on my couch?
scott (whispered) : does he think we're asleep?
john (whispered) : maybe he doesn't care...

from now on, everything is whispered. it's tiring to write "(whispered)" over and over again.

scott : it's kind of funny. and awesome that he's confident enough to do that here.
john : god. but - they'll probably break up soon anyway.
scott : so.
john : is it really worth getting head in front of your friends when you're going to break up in a month or two?
scott : well - no... but are you getting it right now?
john : well, scott....

pause..

john : i'm kidding.
scott : oh good. i mean - people talk - but i didn't think-
john : are you serious?
scott : well, i mean - no one has ever seen you with a girl, john.
john : there just hasn't been one i like.
scott : yeah, but you don't even talk about women like that either. i'm sorry.. i'm just telling you what i've heard.
john : no. no! girls, man. i like girls.
scott : ok. but give me something to go on, when was the last girl you had?
john : i - there isn't one.
scott : not one?
john : no.

pause.

scott : are you sure you're n-
john : stop it man! no! i like women.
scott : ok, fine. and there's no one you're at least mildly interested in?
john : well, there's this girl at the office supplies store.
scott : yeah?
john : she's kinda hot. she's a little, uh, round, but has huge breasts. i wanna - well you know.
scott : oh yeah. that's hot. you should get that.
john : yeah. i don't know. we're friends. i'd hate to -
scott : yeah friends is hard.
john : and it's work.
scott : yeah, i don't have a job.
john : work is almost like family.
scott : oh - that's disgusting john.
john : i mean, like a family you can sleep with - but you worry if you do - you'll become an outcast like a- drunk gay uncle.
scott : i got it.

pause.

scott : you should just get her drunk enough to pass out.
john : i've thought about it.

pause.

john : dan?

pause.

john : dan?
the end.

gaps in history

2007-03-21T22:42:00.000-04:00

woman : i have to go.
man : what?
woman : i need to -

darkness.

the woman has gone. the lights rise again.

man : what? where - ...

darkness.

the woman is back. the lights rise again.

man : where did you go?
woman : i told you where i was going.
man : no you didn't you said -

darkness. the man is gone. the lights rise.

woman : i told you i was going away. but maybe you didn't listen. i need to go. away from you. it's time to go.

darkness. the woman is gone the man is back.

man : what? where?

he looks around.
the end.

i'm cooking dinner

2007-03-20T19:41:00.000-04:00

a man stands with a frying pan. in it is a piece of meat.

man : i have been standing here for ten minutes. i have no moved and i am allowing my body to conduct it's heat into this piece of meat. so far all that i have conducted is a mental survey off the good and bad ideas i have had this week.

pause.

man : number one. Saturday night, though technically Sunday because it was 3 am. instead of taking the subway to my actual stop, i purposely missed my stop and walked further back. because i was drunk i did not think it would take much longer. in fact, it did. i walked home about twenty minutes at 330 in the morning alone. the bad idea, though, didn't come until i reached my home and tried to hop up the steps.

he bends over to lift his pant leg, but he keeps the pan at the same height as he had it when he was standing. he pulls his pant leg up and reveals a large gash.

man : i fell down. i worry that because i'm not insured i may get gangrene and have to amputate, but again, because i'm not insured i'll have to do it myself.

pause.

man : i'm pausing for laughter.

pause.

man : that makes good ideas versus bad ideas one to one. on sunday night i baked cookies which is neither a good idea nor a bad idea because it involves cooking, which is something we all must do in our live; but on monday i ate most of the cookies meant for my coworkers. as someone who would someday like to think about becoming a little more health conscience, this was a bad idea. i pooped a lot that day. i don't know if it had anything to do with the cookies or that i ate lots of grapes the day before. pooping could be considered a good idea. two to two.

man : on tuesday i decided to watch the film, the illusionist. this was a bad idea. it is only wednesday and today i followed to police officers off my train and walked directly behind them and sort of in between. i pretended that i was a big star and strutted for about ten feet until they turned and walked a different way than i was going. i thought about what it would be like to steal the gun from the younger looking cop's belt, which would have been a bad idea - but i was only thinking it, and so the act of inaction makes it not an idea. following closely behind the police officers was a good idea, because if i were a celebrity being escorted through the subway system, i would have been a bit safer. celebrity is in your mind anyway.

he tries to flip the meat and it falls on the floor. he sighs.

answering machine

2007-03-19T23:41:00.000-04:00

jim sits in front of answering machine. he presses a button.

jim : hello, you have reached jim waterbee, i'm not home right now, please leave a message.

he lets go and listens to the recording. he fingers the ring on his ring finger. he presses the button again.

jim : hello, you've reach the home of the waterbees, please leave a message.

he lets go. he starts to listen but presses the button right after "waterbees."

jim : hi it's jim - i'm doing alright hope you are too - leave a message.

he lets go. he listens he pressed the button.

jim : hi it's jim if you're looking for susie, carl or jane - they have a different phone number now - it is 555-2601.

he lets go. he presses a different button.

machine : please leave a message after the tone.

it beeps. he gets up and walks away.

rosemary/look the other way

2007-03-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

a beautiful woman on one side, a man with a burglar mask digging through and counting a bag with a money sign on it on the other. man with a cell phone in his hand in the center.

man : wh-what are you doing over there?
burglar : nothing! leave me alone?
man : no, you're stealing that big bag of money, aren't you?
burglar : no, leave me alone.

the woman, who has been watching, falls down.

woman : oh! excuse me, could you help me up?
man : i-i guess.
woman : thank you. i'm so busty i couldn't help but trip and fall. top heavy, you know?
man : oh - i'm sorry i have to -
woman : you know, you look a lot like a celebrity, i can't think of who though, do you get that a lot?
man : no,

he steps toward the burglar. lifting his cell phone.

man : you there, stop or i'm calling the police.
burglar : i swear to god man, if you don't leave me alone.

the woman takes off her shirt or drops her top so her breasts are showing.

woman : oops! excuse me? could you help me. it seems my breasts are showing.

the man turns around.

woman : my large, completely natural, perky breasts.

[she pauses]

woman : with glorious nipples.

man : yeah i'm...

he helps the woman fix her dress or put her shirt on.

woman : thanks, it's not often someone helps you dress. you have soft hands.

she puts her face in his hands, she is between him and the burglar. he looks to the burglar.

man : sir! if you don't stop, i will take the cell phone in my pocket here and call the police. i am not responsible for the actions you have chosen to enact!
burglar : oh that's it!
woman : i feel like i can really talk to you, but i don't want to. i just want to give you a blow job.

the burglar stands up, starts to pull out a gun.
the woman starts to unbuckle his pants.
the man pulls out his cell phone.

the end.

diamonds and guns, 2095.

2007-03-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

a radio play

the sound a phone ringing.

woman's voice : hello, ebay.
man's voice : hi, this is richard.
woman : hi richard, what can ebay sell for you today?
man : i'd like to post something to sell.
woman : it's very simple to post online, simply go to w-w-w-dot-e-b-a-y-dot-c-o-m. or do an internet search for ebay. you'll click the link that says "new account," fill out the pertinent info - then click the button that says sell item. are you following me?
man : right, but -
woman : hold on. so after you've clicked that link to take you to sell an item, type in the description of what you're selling and then post it. you'll be charged a nominal fee, do you have a picture of what you're selling?
man : well, sort of, but -
woman : well it's easy to post a picture, too. there's a place for you upload a small thumbnail sized picture of it, as long as it's a jay-pee-gee. is there anything else i can help you with?
man : yes.
woman : and that is?
man : i appreciate the information you've given me, i really do. but what i'm selling isn't exactly that tangible and i'm not exactly able to go on the internet to post it.
woman : what do you mean? are you trying to sell a religion - sir ebay does not allow the sales of religion, ideas, feelings or body parts and fluids.
man : no! it's none of those things. it's a webpage.
woman : a webpage? just describe the site and maybe make a nice graphic to put on it to say something like, you could call this home, page. haha, i liked that. you can keep that and not even pay me royalties.
man : well, thank you - but it's not control of the website, it's an original webpage.
woman : what do you mean?
man : it's the white house's first home page.
woman : sir, i can access the white house's first home page from right here. in fact, as i said that i've found about thirty-three thousand websites with that information.
man : no - i know that, but this is the original homepage. it was loaded and never refreshed or changed.
woman : what do you mean?
man : a hundred years ago, my grandfather turned on his computer at his home and loaded the white house's homepage - but he didn't know how to change the page, so he left it. a hundred years later, no one has refreshed the page, moved the computer, or done anything. i have an original. an original white house. and original feedback at the whitehouse dot gov.
woman : and you want to sell this?
man : it's got to be worth something.
woman : but what about shipping?
man : that's the thing... it can't be shipped.
woman : so it's an idea.
man: no, it's not an idea.. it simply can't be shipped. it's an old computer and there's no battery, if i unplug it, then it turns off. it's more of an installation. the purchaser is welcome to come by and show it off whenever he or she pleases. i'll even give him or her a key.
woman : why not just sell your house?
man : sorry, it's been in my family for so long i can't bear to sell it.
woman : i'm sorry, i'm not sure that's something you can sell. all of the items on ebay are actual items that can be transported from one place to another.
man : would it be alright if i put a disclaimer saying, if you want to transport this item, it is your responsibility to find a way to unplug and replug a computer with out it losing it's power?
woman : i guess, but this item really falls under ideas. i don't think it's an inherently tangible item that could be purchased.
man : i see. but it's a hundred years old. you can't find it anywhere, the original load of a government page?
woman : i'm sorry, we can't sell it. why not sell the computer as an antique?
man : and lose the white house page?! it is original artwork and a piece of history - i should be able to sell it.
woman : i'm sorry - i can't help you.
man : how about -
woman : sir - i can't help you -
man : but -
woman : sir.
man : i'm going to try anyway -
woman : fine. thank you for calling ebay.

the sound of a phone hanging up.

offspring to action

2007-03-16T20:03:00.000-04:00

a petri dish, an old man.

old man : i got mugged. go get him. help me. i'm old and too tired to run around. take care of it. you're my child. go on. do it. i got mugged! i'm scared. you're ungrateful. you don't love me. i shouldn't have spoiled you.

the end.

my first love song

2007-03-15T19:26:00.000-04:00

hi. this is a play only for you. i asked you to come tonight and gave you a comp ticket to the show and asked some people to hang out for a little while only for you. but if you look in today's paper tonight's show isn't listed. look -

[she pulls out a newspaper, opens it to the theater section]

nowhere. but that's ok, right? i mean, this play? it's for you. i went to all the trouble here, because this is the only place maybe i feel confident or like i can hear my own voice. i'm like those people in how's your news - i know we make fun of them a lot, but the last song they put on their website, the one we never listen to because the beginning sounds like a sneeze, that's the guy they talk about toward the beginning of the project. he never spoke up or anything, but when he had a microphone he spoke up. people could hear him, he would go to people and ask, how's your news... hence the name, did you read that part too? it doesn't really matter i guess. but really what i'm saying is... .... ... i'm like a disabled man with a wheelchair... right?

god.

you get my point, right?

[pause]

you can answer, you're the only one here. nobody else is coming.

[pause]

maybe i can't hear you.

[pause]

maybe you won't speak up. it's moot anyway. i think, since we met, i've had this fantasy that we would get drunk at a party and maybe as we hugged goodbye, even though touching another person would be very unlike you, our noses would smells each other and lead us until our lips brushed each other into the most natural, mutual warm kiss. even if just for a second. but maybe i would rest my forehead here the bridge of your nose meets your eyebrow. i'm sorry! i'm kidding! eyebrows! and we would breath heavy, moist breaths onto each other. catching them more out of thrill than actually being out of breath.

[pause]

do you remember when we met? we were out of breath then, too. it was so cold and the air was so thin that maybe even walking up a stairway to a party tightened up our lungs. you, taller than me, me, shorter than you and together unknowing but probably a puzzle of kittens playing waiting to be put together. todd's party. god, todd. what a generic name. i think we went home with strangers - separately of course, we weren't that drunk. you stayed away from me at first. eventually we were introduced. we talked about music or movies or public transportation - hey, that's what people do here right? so i've heard. from the radio.

[pause]

and instead of kissing again we say simple words. even make casual conversation.

[pause]

but we talked only briefly. didn't exchange numbers. and you went home with someone else. which was fine because i wasn't that into you yet.

[pause]

are you with me, still? i know i keep jumping back and forth.

[pause]

we talk about music or records or public transportation.

[pause]

but that night, i hadn't seen you talking much too her. i watched you. yeah, because i wanted to be your friend. i just wan't necessarily attracted.

[less of a pause, and interupted pause]

and we'd go home together... because i have feelings for you.

[pause]

god. i can't even see your reaction or where you're even sitting. nobody told me anything before i started. can i get some house lights please?

[the house lights rise, but the stage lights lower to black, in her own darkness she leaves, the end.]

i tell you what i'm gonna do/nothing is as important as your relationship with your parents

2007-03-14T19:12:00.000-04:00

a young girl runs into a living room. it's a classic fifties style living room with an old tv and a rocking chair with a father smoking a pipe and reading a paper. she is crying.

girl : father, father! sally next door told me that god doesn't exist and then that anyone who believes it was a [whispered] jewish kike!

father : well, margaret, i can tell you with one hundred percent assurance that her statement isn't entirely false. jews do believe in god. sure, it may be a more inferior, weaker god without the powers a christian god has, but they do believe in a god nonetheless. perhaps sally was just ed-

girl : but then she pushed me.

father : physical violence against my only girl?

girl : yes!

father : well that i can't stand for [he folds his paper and stands up]. i'll tell you what i'm going to do, sweetheart.

girl : what?

father : i'm going to walk right over there, and take her little pretty hair and rip it out of head like a doll's. then while she's crying, i'll burn in a small room with her in it, so then she'll have the painful bloody scalp and the smell of her own hair burning to boot. then i'll take my finger and -

girl : daddy?!

father : hold on sweetie, daddy's going to take care of this girl - so i will take my finger - this one [he holds up his ring finger] - and i'll jam out her right eye with it. i'll scoop out her eyeball and then cover it in hamburger like one of mom's delicious meatballs and make her eat a whole bowl of spaghetti and meatballs - but not that day, when she least expects and chomp! a squishy eyeball. it's not canibalism if you eat your own body parts - but you know what that's called?

the girl is now on her knees, pale, staring up in horror at her father.

father : family. hopefully she'll realize that in this world, the one in which we live - that you don't hassle a person's family member. it's just not right. and the other eye -

girl : daddy, what about the other eye?

father : i'm getting there, be patient. the other eye, i'll leave alone. so she can watch me tell her parents what she's done - and as i walk toward her parents, i'll kick her in the face. are you familiar with the phrase "teeth to the curb," margaret? nevermind.

girl : daddy, why?

father : you see margaret, in today's world, we're all little piglets at a mother pigs teat. if you don't take something when it's available, someone else will, so that's why i'm teaching you this lesson. i'm going to do all those things to sally next door before someone else does it to her first.

girl : daddy, no!

father : no? you don't want me to get back at sally for what she's done to you?

girl [shivering]: no. i don't.

father : well, alright then. that's all you had to say. you didn't want me to fix the problem, just listen to what it was. so go ahead, honey, what's the problem.

girl : n-nothing daddy.

father : well alright then, just remember take it while you can, because someone else will if you don't - and if someone else takes it before you find a way to poison or kill them so then you can have it instead. yeah?

girl : o-ok.

father : i want a tuna melt.
the end.

like margarine rubbed all over my body.

2007-03-13T19:06:00.000-04:00

a person with a loaf of bread and a tub of margarine or butter. a pedestal with a toaster or toaster oven on it. he puts two slices of bread in the toaster or toaster oven and starts the timer. he removes all of his clothing (naked!) and opens the tub of butter. he rubs the butter all over his body until the toaster is finished toasting the bread.

person (to audience) : would you? could you? will you? what if i told you i were clean?

he stands, waiting for someone to do it.

here we stand

2007-03-12T19:01:00.000-04:00

1: waiting.
2: here we stand.
1: waiting.
2: here we stand.
1 and 2: here we stand and waiting.
1: here we stand.
2: i love that song.
1: what song?
2: the one we're quoting.
1: i'm sorry - i don't -
2: he's pretty indie.
1: indie?
2: indie rock - though he's more of an almagamation of prince and michael jackson and justin timberlake with a bit of performance art thrown in there.
1: uh - i don't know what you're talking about.
2: and actually the lyric goes "Here we stand, here we stand, here we wait and stand here we wait and stand." but i picked up what you were saying.
1: i have no idea.
2: yeah. me "neither." "no" idea. i'll just stand here and think about stuff that's ironic then.
1: what?

the end.

a great metal protector/news conference about the war

2007-03-11T07:55:00.000-04:00

a podium, a man in a suit and an american flag lapel pin walks out. something his coat pocket bulges and weighs it down a bit.

man : hel-hello, ladies and gentleman. thank you for coming. today, i'm here to talk about our newest technology for fighting our enemies, who are currently located in the middle east, but might possible spread to the far east, or some choice european countries and in many years, will go south to africa, even though we've been trying to forget about that place - it's huge.

he clears his throat.

man : excuse me.

he clears his throat again. he drinks an entire glass of water.

man : what i have on my person, is the future. the future of defensive and offensive warfare. for several years, private funders have been experimenting with various forms of metal to figure out the most indestructible, and they tell me it's what i've got here in my pocket.

he pulls out a cube of metal.

man : this is new metal. that's not it's name, and you'll probably have the name of this metal in a pack under your seat - yeah - right behind the autographed picture - you're welcome. yeah, that's the one just one sheet with really big letters on it -

he drops the cube of metal on the floor, it makes a loud bang.

man : see what i did there? i surprised you. i distracted you by making you look in those envelopes and with pictures of myself and then -

he picks up the metal cube and drops it again.

man : yeah! and that's what i'm talking about! make big cubes with soldiers inside and drop them from airplanes onto our enemies. completely by surprise. the airplanes will have to be what, 300 hundred feet in the air? total secrecy. and even better, the metal is so strong and like they'll be impossible to penetrate or break into because there's no entrance, casualties of war will decrease a lot. i expect there won't be any dead soldiers after we institute this.

he picks up the cube and looks at it.

man : let me show you again. pretend my hand and wrist is the airplane holding the big metal cube and the metal cube is a scale version ofthe actual cube which will hold about 8 or 11 soldiers and from at least three hun- 500 fe-

he accidentally drops the cube.

man : oh. jeez. that wasn't supposed to happen. but hey! hey! if that were to happen, which it won't the cube is designed like an egg drop - that's what inspired this, an egg drop from my kid's science class. i was thinking on the bottom, we might increase troop morale by letting them paint the bottom whatever they want, like a US flag, or a bull's eye. wouldn't that be fun? knowing you were the one who made the last thing the enemy saw. yeah.

he pause.

man : it's called the giant metal cube.

semicolons are for showoffs

2007-03-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

two people.

jimmy : mikey! mikey!

mikey runs on stage.

mikey : what?
jimmy : look at this!

jimmy pulls up his shirt and does that wave thing with his stomach.

mikey : that's great; waving your stomach is a talent.
jimmy : i kno-

jimmy pauses.

jimmy : how many periods were in that sentence you just spoke.
mikey : i guess, if i were to write it out, it would have just one.
jimmy : but between great and waving?
mikey : i guess that would be a semicolon; a semicolon decreases period use and costs more in ink.
jimmy : oh.

jimmy pulls his shirt up again and does the wave; he does it halfheartedly.

mikey : that's really great, jimmy. really.

jimmy lets his shirt fall over his stomach. he looks at the ground.

removing one's pants/nyc

2007-03-09T23:21:00.000-05:00

a man in pants stands on stage.

a woman's soothing voice : the time is now eleven fifty nine, one minute until bedtime.

the man unbuckles his pants. he begins to pull them down.

a shrill woman voice : i can see you!

he freezes and then buckles his pants again.

man : sorry! sorry!

he walks toward the stage left, a wall appears. he nods his head as if to say, "oh yes, a wall resides there." he walks stage right, another wall. he heads upstage, a wall appears, as if from no where. there is nowhere to go except through the fourth wall. he tries to hide in the up stage left corner. facing the walls, he begins to remove his pants again.

a man's voice : i can see you! i can see you!
man : sorry! i'm sorry!

he zips up again. he stands looks around, annoyed. he realizes something, he walks to the wall and flicks a light switch. the lights go out. he gives a vocal sigh of relief. he can be heard fiddling with his pants to remove them. several flashlights shine on stage looking for him, after a moment they find him.

several voices : i can see you! i can see you! i can see you!

with his pants halfway off he freezes and pulls the up quickly. he is annoyed. he walks downstage, to the very edge and pulls his pants down. the end.

like sulfur in a gas mask/it'll never happen between us

2007-03-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

two people in a small rectangle.

man : of all the people in the world -
woman : oh don't be so cliche.
man : no you don't be so cliche by calling me cliche.
woman : you're so boring. be more interesting.
man : i'm sorry?
woman : you know - tell me something interesting.
man : i - don't know. i was 13 when i had my first kiss.
woman : i was 12, why are you thinking about kissing?
man : i'm a man, you're a woman, isn't it was i'm bound to think of?
woman : see? there you are again, "i'm a man, you're a woman," that's not a very interesting way to say it.
man : how should i say it, then? since you're the profe-
woman : oh just stop! clearly you don't know who you are, since you feel the need to throw around repeated, cliched phrases.
man : oh?
woman : yeah.

the man looks at her and says nothing.

woman : look, i'm sorry - we're in this box and maybe it's just making me a little more honest.
man : a little more direct.
woman : and i'm - uh..
man : what?
woman : nevermind.
man : no - what.
woman : nevermind, it's gone.
man : fine.
woman : so, kissing.
man : what is tha-
woman : i had a potato, alright?

the stein/the loss of purpose

2007-03-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

a dark cave, a man - obviously evil - stalks back a fourth, the jingle of glass with each step. behind him, dimly lit are rows and rows of beer mugs. his name is herman.

herman : all the mugs are mine!

he laughs an evil laugh.

herman : every glass, mug, pint mine!

he laughs again. a man, named robbie, enters. he wears a cape, but is otherwise dressed in normal street clothing appropriate for the current trend.

robbie : herman! give me back my glasses. give me back the world's glasses.
herman : never! i will never give you back these glasses.
robbie : but how, herman - how will i and the people - all the people - drink our beer? our wonderful hoppy, or not hoppy, or dark, or nonalcoholic beer with out those glasses? we need them, herman. give them back to me.
herman : robbie is it? i don't think you understand - beer and beer drinking and beer battered food is evil.
robbie : evil? you're calling beer evil? you're evil, herman!
herman : i'm evil? it's not me who is evil, robbie. let me tell you a little st-

he is interrupted by a man and woman from a generation previous storming on stage. they are in a different plain.

herman senior : we're arguing! we're arguing! we're arguing!
clara : we're arguing! i'm yelling! you're yelling!

herman senior pulls out a beer. he holds it up to his face.

herman senior : i'm drinking beer! beer! beer! beer!
clara : i'm telling you that you have a problem and that it is possible that i could leave, i probably won't! that's what i'm telling you! i'm telling you i could leave you! but you can't hear me over your -
herman senior : that's it! i'm full of rage and i'm abusing you!

he slaps her. immediately after the slap, the drop character and walk off the stage.

robbie : but herman - beer didn't do that - a poor family structure with parents from difference racial backgrounds did.
herman : what do you mean, they're both white.
robbie : but they weren't both historically irish or african or chinese. look - beer is a wonderful thing. it doesn't lead to things like abuse and anger - it leads to -

a young robbie enters quickly kissing a young madeleine, with lips pressed together.

madeleine : rob, you're so handsome.
young robbie : madaleine, you are the petals of a flower, beautiful from afar, sweet smelling, and thick-skinned and milky to the touch.
madeleine : oh rob, you're so charming.
young robbie : madeleine, let's drink a beer.
madeleine : ok.

the abruptly stop kissing, young robbie pulls out two beers from somewhere, anywhere, and they drink them. the collegiate term to describe how quickly they drink the beer would be called "slamming" or "pounding" the beer. once finished they look at each other and slam faces together again. she begins to remove her shirt and pants - once the shirt is unbottoned or off and her pants are at her ankles, they stop abruptly. she pulls her pants up, buttons or pulls on her shirt, and they walk off stage quickly.

robbie : beer - is joyous. and i'm not afraid to defeat you in hand-to-hand combat to prove it to you, herman. the people need to drink their beer and i'm not afraid to -
herman : stop me? i dare you to try.

robbie undoes his cape and let's it fall to the ground. they run toward each other screaming. they "hugfight" where they merely hug each other and roll around on the floor struggling for power. another man, oswald, runs on with a beer stein in his hand.

oswald : robbie! robbie! stop! look at this! steiner, the german porcelain doll maker just gave me this! it's like a glass mug, but made of porcelain, which is clay! he said his friend the german wood carver and his other friend the german pewter sculptor made them - but look.

he swings his arm around.

oswald : nothing spilled. i have my beer in here! it's called a stein! no more glass! let's go!

oswald runs off. robbie and herman lay on the floor, hugging still.

herman : well, i guess that...
robbie : settles that.

they sit up and start paying with rocks on the floor. robbie lets out a long sigh. herman looks and gives an agreeable -

herman : hm.

and he nods his head.

herman senior

it'll all work out/a classic struggle

2007-03-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

man on a toilet : i love meat!

he sits. he reads a magazine. he pushes. he stops. he reads. he holds onto something. he pushes. he stops. he reads. he rocks, slightly. he rocks, harder. he has the most uncomfortable face a person has seen. he rocks hard, violently - his back slams against the back of the toilet, his chest his knees. he screams and continues.

man on a toilet : yes! yes! yes! yes!

he's out breath. he stops. he drops the now crinkled magazine and pulls his pants on, disappointed. sweaty. he starts to wash his hands - he puts his hand on his stomach and lowers his head. his face says, "oh.. god." he pulls his pants down and sits again, panting, with his head in his hands

optimism.

2007-03-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

person : i'm going to sit here and you're going to sit there.

he sits down and waits.

the end.

all the pretty girls go to the city.

2007-03-04T22:46:00.000-05:00

several attractive women, posing as if they were having their photos taken. they don't acknowledge each other, nor are their poses ridiculous. it is quite possible that it has a rhythm to it.

voice : you. in the red. you will get cancer and die. you smoke. and the orange, you will act in a movie with fire and the fire will burn you. and yellow, i'm going to think about you every night before i go to bed until someone i find more attractive comes along.

another voice [screaming] : you fucking cunts! you're the reason i'm fat! you give me such low confidence that i can't be like you! it's your fault. eat a fucking twinkie!

a third voice : hi. uh.. wow, i can't believe i'm - god - what am i doing? you're not - i'm sorry i didn't know what i was thinking. someone who looks like you would never -.

fourth voice [screaming] : you fucking cunts! you're the reason i'm skinny! you give me such low confidence that i aspire to be like you! it's your fault! eat a fucking twinkie!

fifth voice : you. are... so interesting. i mean, i would have never expected someone as beautiful - i'm sorry this is going to sound so ignorant, but i can't help this stereotype sometimes. i wouldn't never expect someone as incredible looking as you to be interested in something like pi. how far have you memorized again, up to the 100th decimal point. say them again, please.

sixth voice : i just don't buy into it. you serve a purpose to sell something. a movie, a rapper, any type of product i can spend money on. yeah, you represent what people think they should look like.. but, honestly, you look a little unhealthy and you only serve as a reminder to be healthy. so you succeed, but you also fail a little. i'd shrug, but you can't see me. because i'm backstage.

the women all take a donut from someplace hidden.

fith voice : i'll start you off, three point...
all (while chewing on donuts): 1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679.

stuck in a barrel of water

2007-03-03T21:19:00.000-05:00

a woman, fully dressed. she stands in a barrel full of water.

woman : i'm not cold! it's ok! it's not cold. it's kind of nice, actually. standing in this barrel of water. that's what i'm standing in, if you're not close enough to see. here's some water, see?

she flicks some out.

woman : i've always liked water, swimming and things. drinking it. that's good too. once i swam in the ocean and the fish swam around my feet. it was pretty. another time i swam and grabbed this kid's ankles and he said, the fishies are tickling me! then i had a good laugh about it with my other friend. we weren't nice. hey!

hey! i'm in a barrel filled with water! at some point in my life i remember filling a water gun with bleach and water, more bleach than than water, though, and shooting it at people. i laughed like it was really water and acted confused when they went blind. i was at least 19. another time i pushed my friend of a high pier into the ocean because it was funny. she broke something or sprained something. but it was funny. i laughed a lot. i love to laugh. do you?

hey! i'm in a barrel filled with water and i can't seem to get out. i love baths. once, my brother and i were taking a bath when we were little and i peed in the bathtub. then i got out while he stayed in the bath for another 10 minutes. haha! funny, right?

the end.

you can't ignore my techno.

2007-03-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

person : i saw the face. of someone. i saw the face of someone who was smiling. he had white, straight teeth. he had a goatee. his hair was thinning, but he was old enough for you to know that he wasn't going to go bald unless he made it to his late nineties. the photo was black and white. it was a photo - i guess I should mention. i can't lie. much more exciting if i lie. the reason i say anything about it being black and white is because i think he was tan. his face looked dark, he was white, but his face looked tannish. he is kind of famous. his face was oval. he looked like he could be fat, but was more burly, or stout. his stomach wouldn't be defined like someone who exercises and eats right, but his stomach wouldn't jiggle if he flicked it while laying on the bed. like marlon brando before he was fat and incomprehensible. he makes me want to call someone i care deeply ab- forget it, he makes me want to call my girlfriend. he makes me want to call my girlfriend and say, "get ready. i love you and we're going to be good people who do things and change things and grow old and make people who are my age when i was young stop and see a picture of me or you and say - 'he or she looks like he or she lead a life, you know, one of those lives where there will be a joyous sigh when he or she dies; people won't be happy, but they'll feel ok about it, because from the look on his or her face will show joy and happiness and question, why are you taking my picture, i just have a good life, and other people will be able to tell he or she had so much happiness while we lived,' i'm sorry, i switched us at the end, but that's how i envision it." and i won't say any of that with any periods, but it's ok because there are semicolons and commas.

he inhales.

person : we've never said i love you. she makes me feel enabled though, to live something of a positive life and have my picture around the internet, smiling with wide wide teeth making young people smile and think - this guy, i don't know who he really is, but he inspires me to at least try to make things better.

he pauses. smiles, awkwardly.

person: we haven't said i love you, yet.

i need you so much closer

2007-03-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

two people in chairs. 2 is halfway across the stage. 1 is at the most sidiest part, either right or left.

1: fruit.
2: orange.

1 moves closer.

2: music.
1: maroon 5.

2 moves away, closer offstage.

1: place.
2: chicago.

1 moves closer to 2.

2: book.
1: catcher.

2 moves away, closer offstage.

1: food.
2: dessert, chocolate.

1 moves closer to 2.

2: feeling.
1: joy?

2 sighs. moves toward offstage. 1, quickly -

1: day of the week.
2: thursday.

1 moves closer.

2: animal, mineral, vegetable.
1: animal.

2 moves one more step closer to offstage.

1: minutes in my mobile phone plan.
2: 750 plus the minutes we get for being with the same carrier.

1 moves closer.

2: yes or no.
1: no.

2 moves offstage. 1 is left alone, the end.

a play about knees.

2007-02-28T23:02:00.000-05:00

man walks center stage : oxygen, water, food and shelter. not video games, books, music, cars, trains, planes, cars, newspapers, political parties, sports, jobs, socks, hand games, hand gestures, britney spears, blogs or studded belts. or pets.

man begins to leave, stops, turns back points to right knee : this one is fine -

he points to the left one.

man : but this has a pin in it from a soccer game i played when i was in middle school. it was the most painful experience of my life. my best friend didn't even visit me in the hospital. i don't know why.

man leaves.

one more cup of coffee for the road

2007-02-27T23:07:00.000-05:00

a counter on one side of the stage. a man named guy on the other. the colors are tan and dusty. there are eight people in front of him. his friend is behind him.

guy : yeah, fine. let me just use the bathroom and we'll get out. hey! where the bathroom.

the attendant shouts back. epically.

attendant : yeah! it's behind the counter - but you need

guy (muttering) : need.

attendant : to buy something.

guy : how 'bout a coffee?

pause.

attendant : when it's your turn.

bill : damnit guy, let's just go.
guy : no bill, we can wait. i'll just get a cup. to go.

if guy were number 9, each person closer to the register lowers toward 1. the lowers numbers leave the counter with coffee or a pastry. the higher numbers turn from waiting in line.

1 leaves the counter : hey, why don't you interrupt me when i'm ordering coffee, eh?
guy : i'll talk to the counter guy when i want.
1 : not when i'm ordering my coffee.
guy : ... i already did.
1 : don't do it again.
guy : if i do, i'll make sure you're there.

1 leaves.

guy : people, bill. they're not like you and me.
8 : why are you pushin' man?
guy with joyous enunciation : pushing?
8 : what's the problem, can't wait to get your cup? well fuckoff, i'm in front o' you and -

guy swings wide and punches the guy. he flies to the side.

guy : i hate swearin'. ignorant.
bill : guy - let's get out of here. i don't like the feeling of this place.

phil collins comes on.

guy : oh who played this shit?
7 (manly, wanting to pick a fight) : i thought you didn't like swearing?
guy : when i talk about phil collins (he pauses for effect) it ain't swearin'.

guy kicks the jukebox, the music changes to something more country. maybe a country song that would be good for bar fighting.

7 : ... i happen to like phil collins, that was my favorite song!

7 pushes guy. guy turns to bill. he grabs bill and swings him into 7.

guy : bill.
bill : yeah?
guy : duck.

bill ducks and guy roundhouse kicks him. not like a ninja, but like a man with cowboy boots and no fear of the law. guy follows up on the fallen body kicking him a little.

bill : guy -
guy : shoulda' stayed with genesis - yeah.
bill : please don't ever do that again.

2 leaves with coffee guy stares him down as he walks by. 3 finishes at the counter, runs at them, wielding a knife and a spilling cup off coffee. he swings at guy making indian sounds. from somewhere, a rifle flies into guy's hand. if only life had slow motion. he points it at 2. 2 ducks out of the way

guy : no, here.

while 2 ducks from the gun, guy's hand is hitting the cup and making the coffee spill into 2's face. 2 screams in pain. guy shoots him.

6: hey - what are you -

guy shoots him, too. he just stands for a minute, calmly waiting in line for coffee. 3 reenters and walks up behind bill. he shoot him in the back, causing his chest to explode with an obscene amount of blood everywhere. covering guy's backside.

bill : guy -
guy : bill!
bill : i'm
guy : what is it buddy?
bill : i'm sorry -

bill dies. guy looks up toward 3 who stands with a gun pointed in his face. guy reaches out a hand toward 3 as if to say, "stop, you win," but instead one of those guns that pops out of your sleeve pops out of his sleeve and they both let off a shot. 3 falls. he stands up - unphazed. he turns around to the last person in line, people. 4 is a woman 5 is a man. 5 turns around and throws his cup to the floor and puts a knife to the woman's neck.

guy : sara?
4 : guy?! i'm - i'm sorry. i thought we were on a date.
guy : but he has a knife.
5 : alright shut up - shut up. shit the - it's the end of the road guy. the end. your sister here -
guy (quietly, passionately, epically still) : i only wanted to use the bathroom.

guy drops his gun.

guy : leave her alone. whatever you want.
4 : no, guy!

4 tries to shift out 5's clutches, but to know avail. 5 cuts the throat of 4 (guy's sister) and an obscene amount of blood deluges guy's front. he is now covered on both sides with blood.

guy : sara!

he falls to his knees and holds her head.

guy (rising in volume and to his feet with each word) : i only wanted to use the bathroom!

he leaps 5 and topples him, the knife flies out of his hand. guy stands up and stomps 5's face, until it gets uncomfortable for the audience. once he stops, he steps over the bodies to the cash register. the attendant is shaking with fear. guy reaches in his pocket and slams down some change. the attendant jumps.

guy : coffee, light and sweet.

4 moves.

4 : guy?
guy : sara? you're not dead.
4 : no.. no... i'm not.
guy : sister.

she gets up, they kiss passionately for a very long time. it's epic. wind should blow her hair, and if she's wearing a skirt, it should blow to make the men in the audience think they might get to see her underwear. the attendant gets his coffee and hands it to him. they stop kissing.

guy : bathroom.

the attendant points, shaken. guy walks toward the bathroom, looks at himself. blood pours out of his stomach like a a faucet that only pours gallons of blood each second.

guy, referring to his wound and his lack of napkin : napkin.

the attendant hands him a small napkin, the cheap kind you get at an ice cream stand. guy walks back toward the bathroom and collapses into the door. the attendant looks 4 screams and rushes to him. the end.

there is love to remain

2007-02-26T23:04:00.000-05:00

a bunch of fishbowls on pedestals throughout the stage. they all have goldfish in them.

voice 1 : pop pop pop
voice 2 : pop pop gurgle pop
voice 3 : bored. i'm bored.
voice 4 : jim, you say that all the time.
voice 3 : well i -
voice 1 : doot doot doot.
voice 2 : doot doot dot doot.
voice 3 : i am bored.
voice 4 : i know.
voice 3 : you're not bored?
voice 4 : i don't know what the word means.
voice 3 : you -
voice 1 : cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.
voice 2 : cheep, cheep, cheep, chirp, cheep.
voice 3 : you don't know what it means? it means -
voice 4 : we're goldfish.
voice 3 : no reason you can't be educated. it means you've lost the desire to figure something new to do, or to repeat what you've done because you've repeated it so many times you could get bored even doing it in different ways.
voice 1 : bubble. bubble.
voice 2 : bubble. bubble. blop blop. bubble.
voice 4 : you can't use the word you're defining in the definition.
voice 3 : you just did?
voice 4 : no i didn't i used -
voice 1 : gurgle gurgle gurgle.
voice 4 : i used two diff-
voice 1 (louder) : gurgle gurgle gurgle.
voice 4 : two different form of a word and -
voice 1 (very insistent, worried) : gurgle?! gurgle?! gurgle?!
voice 4 : it's ok to do that.
voice 1 (defeatedly) : plop?

puke/why we don't eat bacon tang bars

2007-02-25T14:43:00.000-05:00

person : oh my go-

he swallows with his hand over his mouth.

person : that was the most dis-

again.

person : i don't think i could ever -

he breathes heavily. holding himself (or herself) up against the wall.

person : i..

he shakes his head, head in hands.

person : never, again. never again. neveragain. i think i need a mint.

he searches his pockets.

person : does anyone have a mint? is anyone within earsho-

as he says shot, the facial expression forces him to make the "i'm going to throw up face."

person : ok. ok. ok. don't fight it. you'll feel better when you do it. just relax, let it come.

he stands there, waiting to throw up.

person : ah jesus. come on.

he starts making faces to encourage throwing up. he makes sounds, but nothing comes out. he puts his finger in the back of his pants, pulls it out and smells it. he throws up. violently. a man walks on the stage with a bucket, a towel, a glass of water.

man : did anybody need a mint? or this towel, bucket, and glass of water?

i will go crazy from the hair growing in and around my ears

2007-02-24T02:32:00.000-05:00

a man sits in a chair with large oversized headphones on. he scratches at his ear. he scratches again and looks at his finger. he has the sensation that a hair is poking his inner ear. he scratches hard and sticks his finger in his ear. frustrated, he pulls on head phone off his ear and runs his finger around the ear to see if he can feel any hair. he thinks he finds one and proceeds to try and grab it between his nails and pluck it out. after a few tries, he looks at his hand and wipes off the hair he found. he puts his headphones back on. he bops his head a little. then scratches his ear.

stumble fumble toil jumble

2007-02-23T20:33:00.000-05:00

a man enters a room. he is drunk.

man : i think i live here. lived here. hello? hello? is anyone here? no? good. i lived here.

he leans hard on the wall.

man : oh. god. it smells like cat urine. i might.

he puts his hand over his mouth. he breathes deeply. takes it away.

man : ok. ok. ok. here. i was age twenty five to twenty two. no. twenty three to twenty six. it's been a long, long time. i tell people that my early and mid twenties were the happiest days of my life. i think i'm telling the truth because when i'm drunk and at home i think of this place. that i habit- cohabitated when i was younger. the empty space can't tell you, but i can tell you. lots of memories. lots of them. when i was twenty two i took this girl i met at work here and .. well i'm sure you can guess. it was bad. she wasn't very good or just not into it. maybe i was too big.

pause.

man : i've lost weight since then.

pause.

man : oh god.

he puts his hand over his mouth again.

man : why do all my stories happen to be about being drunk.. if i didn't know any better, i might think the walls here are curved, or arced.

pause.

man : ok. ok. i'm ok. this is where i put together my first piece of exercise equipment. it was one that has leg lift parts and butterfly parts and shoulder press parts. it took a whole day. me and ryan. my friend ryan. randy. rick. jim. it was jim. one of the best times in my life.

pause. he reflects.

man : i used to come home late almost every night. after nights of drinking and drinking and wings! i used to get through the hallways without even touching the wall. i was that good.

pause.

man : we had a dog too. i think he ran away. or something.

pause.

man : watch! watch! i can do this with out seeing.

he closes his eyes. the lights go down. he runs into walls in the dark shouting words like bathroom or living room.

obesity incresity/meek inherit earth

2007-02-22T23:56:00.000-05:00

a small table stands lit in a spotlight. a twinkie on a plate sits on the table. a very obese person stands nearby.

grossly overweight human : twinkie. you're little. oblong. filled with cream. you will last forever in your little plastic wrapping as long as you don't open. or rats open you. or other animals. you're secret sugary joy can't last forever - you, are like a pillow. i could make a raft out of you. many of you. (this fat person looks at himself and chuckles) a whole lot of them. but does it make a difference? you and i, are one and the same. i have ingest you you have been ingest by me - we have become one for anywhere between fifteen minutes to three hours. let us become one, again.

the fat person reaches out his arms but is too fat and can't reach the plate with the twinkie. his stomach knocks over the table and plate.

grossly overweight human : oh, oops.

he reaches over but can't seem to get the twinkie.

grossly overweight human : can someone help me? i - dropped.. my lunch.
voice offstage : no way fatass!
grossly overweight human : it's glandular!
voice offstage : it was!
the end.

back of the boat

2007-02-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

1 : you're not listening - you're not listening - you're not listening!
2 : i'm over here -
1 : that wasn't to you -
2 : i think it was -
1 : and why do you think that -
2 : because i wasn't -
1 : wasn't what -
2 : hmm? -
1 : nevermind.

1 picks up his shoe and throws it out of sight. he doesn't do it angrily.

1 : i threw my shoe overboard -
2 : why would you do that -
1 : aren't we going swimming?
2 : oh i was thinking that if walked instead of drove, people might eventually use the word svelte to describe us.
1 : it's why we're here isn't it?
2 : to be svelte?
1 : to - swim.

he takes off another shoe and throws it away.

1 : are you going to come?
2 : is svelte french?

he goes over to the side and sits.

2 : why are you pouting?
1 : you already know.
2 : no, i don't. don't expect me to read your mind.

1 takes off his shirt. he walks away. 2 finds a book and sits down. she reads.

come on, alex! you can do it!

2007-02-20T22:22:00.000-05:00

a gravel floor. a kid in a wheelchair he starts with a gun. a young man across the floor. he starts with a gun. the scene starts with a gun shot, and someone hitting the ground. the lights rise and the boy is dropping his gone, he begins to turn the wheelchair.

man : i'm still alive.

the boy turns back to the man.

man (he laughs, it comes out violently) : you missed. you barely got my leg. you completely missed. does the wheel chair affect your aim too?

boy : fuck you.

man : already there, are you? just just going to put that on the table right away. fuck, i mean you already shot me. why not. where are going to go from there?

boy : you put me here.

man : i didn't put you there. your decisions put you there. fate put you there. before you were even born you were meant to come to this. sitting in a wheelchair, an empty gun next to you, a knife between the two of us (he laughs) and nothing but gravel stopping you.

boy : shut up.

man : well? this is your shot. go ahead. you've got a few feet to the knife, then a few more to me. if you make it i won't stop you.

pause. the boy shifts in his chair.

man : you can't can you. you can't get out of your chair.
boy : i can't walk.
man : oh. i know. but you won't even try to make it over here.

pause.

man : let's see, then. what would make a man get up out his chair to fight back. i mean, it's easy to shoot a gun - but to come over to where another is - where they are so easy attacked - in his personal space, that would be it. that would need a good reason.

boy : you put me here. you took a knife -

man : that knife, right there.

boy : -and put it into my back.
man : that's right.

boy : and then someone else.
man : who else?
boy : my friend.
man : and countless others! you were the lucky one, i guess. you know, i'd been planning it for months. it's a game i like to play. i like to do it to friends.

pause.

the boy screams as if he were in the most awful pain imaginable, while simultaneously lunging from his chair. the lights fall immediately on his landing. the sound of crying, grunting, and screaming is heard alongside the sound of shuffling in the gravel. then the sound of a knife being stabbed into flash. then panting. then nothing.

i don't know i don't know i hope so.

2007-02-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

a boy and a woman stand in front of a door. the stand and look at it. backs to audience.

boy : you think tonight?
woman : that's what he said.
boy : you didn't invert the nu-
woman : i didn't invert the numbers.
boy : ok. (pause) i'm sorry.
woman : it's ok. Mommy's a little nervous right now.
boy : ok.
woman : he said it would be today when he was leaving.
boy : i can't wait until he gets home.
woman : me neither.
boy : he can come to my baseball games again.
woman : we can both be there.
boy : do you think he'll remember me?
woman : of course. it's only been a year now.
boy : ok.

they stand, focused on the door.

boy : i hope it's soon.
woman : me too.
boy : do you think it'll be soon?
woman : i don't know.
boy : can i stay at steve's tomorrow night?

she doesn't answer.

woman : why don't you turn on the radio.

the boy walks over to a stereo, and presses a button. he walks back over to the door and stands. eve of destruction by the turtles plays. she looks over at the radio. she stares at it. it turns off.

more silence. footsteps toward the door. the footsteps go for longer than they naturally would

woman : do you hear that?
boy : what?
woman : footsteps!
boy : is that him?
woman : i think so!

more footsteps. she fixes her hair. he shifts his weight with anticipation. the footsteps are booming. loud.

woman (yelling) : he's here! he's finally here!
boy (also yelling) : i missed him so much!

the footsteps stop. there is a shuffling of paper. a couple envelopes enter through the mail slot in the door. the woman and boy stare at them. unmoving.

the end.

a very hot day

2007-02-18T14:06:00.000-05:00

the town park, a picnic area. in the center is a large ball of ice with a man frozen inside. he is dressed as if from the 1977. it is very far into the future. maybe 2077, 2177, 2277.

characters:
construction worker 1
construction worker 2

male counterpart of a couple (written as male)
female counterpart of a couple (written as female)

mother
father
3 daughters (all ranging in age from 6 - 10)

woman 1
woman 2

*each line overlaps or nearly overlaps the preceding line. when characters aren't talking out loud, they are having their own conversations quietly or silently that lead them to their next line.

the construction workers sit together, as do the male and female, the family. both women are offstage.

mother : kailee, stop staring at that man, you're not invisible!
female : jim, stop making that face.
male : i'm trying to look scary so that kid stops looking at me.
female : what?
male : i don't ever want kids.
construction 1 : that kid couldn't even tell the difference between his left and right, how does this new foreman expect him to be able to -
construction 2 : you're tellin' me, but i already know - it's because he comes cheap.
construction 1 : well you get what you pay for. i heard he's dating the guy's niece. did you see brown's face when he told us?
woman 1 (entering, on the phone, woman 2 enters shortly after from the opposite end of the stage. she has luggage) : did i tell you the northeast corner, or the southwest? i can't remember - oh - nevermind. i see you.

the two women meet slightly off center, hug.

woman 2 : it's so great to see you! how are you! is it always this hot? the moment i got off the train everything got all ashen and hot.
woman 1 : i'm so glad you're hear, it's been so long - actually i hardly even notice the weather.

the girls become uproarious with screams and giggles.

father : kaylee! kaila! kim! no talking - eat your food and sit there.
mother : girls, no movies tonight if you don't listen to your father.
kim (the oldest) : not my dad!
mother : what did he say!
woman 1 : you said you'd been working out, but wow Julie! you look great!
construction 1 (gesturing to his sandwich) : just great! the guy put mustard on here. i can't eat this.
construction 2 : you want to trade - no mustard on mine.
construction 1 : i'll just eat my sandwich. that's a little - you know?
woman 1 : gay?! that explains it, that explains it.
male : i just want someone to explain to me why it's so hard to control kids? do parents just get -

the girls scream. the parents continue eating and stare at the ground.

male : - because they just don't know consistency? my dad always said if you can't spell it than you don't really know what it means. sometimes, i -
woman 1 : sometimes in the middle of winter.
woman 2 : even then? why?
woman 1 : no one knows or at least whoever does doesn't talk about it. i've never actually looked into it myself.
woman 2 : but it's so hot...
woman 1 : my car is air-conditioned, let me start it now and in a moment it will be nice and cool.

she pulls out a small remote and presses a button.

woman 2 : humid, too.
construction 1 : humidity -
father : wet -
female couple : sticky -
construction 2 : so clammy -
mother : stains -
male lets out a breathy high pitched sigh. in unison everyone drinks from bottles of water. the ice in the background collapses. a man falls out and struggles to get up. he is shaking and wet. he looks around, scared. everyone looks at him, surprised. the man screams as if to say something incredibly important about the past hundred or thousand years he had been trapped in the ice watching life pass and change. something that would be life changing. it would stop everyone in their tracks. but he can't pronounce the words and it comes out as incomprehensible screaming. after several sentences of his screaming, he falls to the ground, dead.

pause.

female (a little sadly, but not too heavily) : he kid of looks liked my dad.
male : the man who'd would rather see you as a cat lady instead of married to me.
female : what?
male : his approval to ask you - that's what he said when i talked to him about it.
female : are you -

male gets to one knee. as the next line happens.

construction 1 : - finished? got a lot of piping to install.
construction 2 : yeah. yeah. just let me - jesus. (he drops his pudding) my pudding! done now, i guess. let's go.
mother : - to bed without any supper if you keep behaving like this.
father : and a spanking.

the girls pause. then imitate the man very loudly and maybe for too long - and run off stage. both parents are defeated.

father : i'll unlock the door.
mother : i'll pick up the trash.

she picks up the trash. woman 2 stares at the body - horrified. woman 1 looks through her purse.
woman 2 : what was that - that just happened?
woman 1 : aahh- ha! chapstick! what? oh - i'm not sure.

she presses another button on her key ring. the sound of a car alarm disarming.
the end.

people swaying/rhythmically

2007-02-17T23:20:00.000-05:00

they sway, rhythmically - you'll see how later.

1: a surprise!
2: it's always a surprise.
1: is it?
2: it should be.
1: it is?
2: it ought to be an unfortunate surprise.
1: sit.
2: nah.
1: it isn't always a surprise.
2: it surprised me.
1: did it?
2: well, no.
1: it did me.

they stop swaying.

2: you've been the funerals?
1: the final-final-finality-finalisticalfinal?
2: yes.

they pull out small dolls. they have no faces or hair or features, but are just bodies with arms, legs and heads. each has a string attached.

1: then yes.
2: and?
1: i couldn't tell.
2: but was it a surprise?

they begin swaying again, slowly.

1: yes.
2: was it on purpose?
1: it's debatable.

they drop the dolls but hold the strings. they stop swaying, but the dolls with nooses around their necks sway, in unison and rhythmically. the end.

lee and the strongman

2007-02-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

two people in rags. lee is very tiny and the strongman is very strong. they hold mangos in both hands. an empty plastic grocery crate sits nearby. chicago (the band)'s "hard to say i'm sorry" plays in the background.

lee: i can't tell if this mango is good or bad, can you strongman?
strongman: lee, i told you. it's not color, it's touch.
lee: you didn't tell me. when did you tell me?
strongman: i told you yesterday. it's not the way it looks. it's touch.
lee: touch? you didn't tell me that, let me smell it.

lee moves his face toward a mango strongman is holding.

strongman: no. not smell, either, lee. it's touch. take this one -

strongman begins to hand lee a mango, but it slips and falls on the floor. they look at it.

strongman: and that was a good one, too.
lee: just great, strongman. just great. you're always dropping things.
strongman: i'm sorry. i've got stubby fingers. sometimes i can't help-
lee: how old are you? one would think - just think that at some point one with stubby fingers would adapt to how his body works and figure out how to hold things without dropping them.
strongman: i said i was sorry.

lee sighs.

lee: it's fine. let's get these mangos. who eats mangos?
strongman: i know somebody.
lee: you do? who?
strongman: just somebody i know - how many?
lee: two, one for you and me.
strongman: ok.

strongman puts the mangos in the basket. the basket now sits between them. both look at the basket, waiting for the other to carry it. the song plays on. the end.

cause and effect.

2007-02-15T00:33:00.000-05:00

there is a candle. it is lit. someone walks out. he or she touches it with his or her left hand.

person: ow!

he or she touches it with his or her left hand, again.

person: ow! jesus!

he or she touches it with his or her left hand, again.

person: oh! christ! that really hurts!

he or she pauses. thinks. considers. touches the flame with his or her right hand.

somebody, anybody, somebody to?, pointless.

2007-02-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

and the lights go down. it's raining. of course. i can't exactly have rain here, it's really not possible. and the scene - it has things in it. things you can't see because the lights are down. the stage lights for this play. that is happening, right now. did i mention? this is the play. i am the play. the one you are enjoying. or not.

[pause.]

you are enjoying, right? or are you judging? you give me chills. good and bad. i don't even want the lights to come up. i don't want you to see me. ok. just once.

[the lights come up on a cardboard cut out of an attractive man]

i'm just kidding. that's a test, right? a test for you. to see if you'd enjoy that. did you? -don't answer! i'll wait until the end to see if you clap.

[very long pause. he starts clapping, hopefully others join in.]

no. this is not the end. there was a fly. i'm sorry. you're disappointed aren't you. i am. some of you are really stupid. those of you who clapped. everyone who clapped. retarded even. why are you here? how can you even stand this? i- am sorry. am i alienating? does it help to talk about what i've just done after i've just done it - like now?

[the lights come up on someone standing opposite the cutout, it doesn't matter who]

that's not me either. i'm running out of space. to be completely honest, i don't know this person, but he is being paid very well to stand there and not say anything. shut up! stupid! stupid! stupid! shut up! stupid!

[the person starts to walk offstage]

no. you fucking stay there. because i said so. or someone will punish you. you won't get money to pay your rent or debt, or i'll come over and tell you what to watch on your tv or force you to eat the food i like and listen to the music i prefer - it's more a reward, shit, than a punishment. you should be grateful to have me run your life. now they stay there and be not me.

[the person stands]

god my right ear hurts. -oh i can hear fine - my ear just hurts. does yours ever? of course it does. mine does. i want to rip it off. GOD.

[the sound of paper being torn]

right now the sound of paper ripping should happen. this symbolizes my ear being torn off, or rather, an unwillingness to read, or listen to what is directly in front of you. but you can really come up with your own symbolism if you want. it'll be wrong, but feel free. i'll wait.

[the sound of paper being torn, the same sound played 5 times]

wrong. you know, even - i'm going to the bathroom.

[there is a pause for enough time for the performer to leave, go to the bathroom, wash his hands and come back - the stage remains dark, apart from the person on stage waiting for the play to be over and the cutout]

here is a video i made.

[the video is the current play from the beginning]

and the lights go down

[the lights go down]

it's raining. of course. i can't exactly have rain here, it's really not possible. and the scene - it has things in it. things you can't see because the lights are down. the stage lights for this play. that is happening, right now. did i mention? this is the play. i am the play. the one you are enjoying. or not.

[pause.]

you are enjoying, right? or are you judging? you give me chills. good and bad. i don't even want the lights to come up. i don't want you to see me. ok. just once.

[the lights on the stage come up, it is completely empty, the end.]

99 luftballoons/where will all the pen pals go?

2007-02-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

two people standing directly in front of each other. sides to the audience. they hold parchment or letterhead or white paper with writing on it.

person on left : dear friend, thank you for signing up to be my pen pal. i have looking for penpal for years. it will be too bad you don't speak the language i speak.
person on right : dear friend, i'm not sure what your last letter said. please retype and send again.
person on left : dear friend, sorrow for not making your senses. try again. i have thanks for you to be my pen pal. unfortunate, it is that we speak not languages that are similars.
person on right : dear friend, i'm not sure i still understand. we do not inherently speak the same language. do you think this assumption is correct?
person on left : dear friend! yes? i think we are saying same thing but with words apart. do you like nelly?
person on right : dear friend, yes what? who is nelly? is nelly where i am from? not all of the people in my country know each other.
person on left : dear friend, nelly, yes? his name is nelly? he has musics coming out? thongs?
person on right : dear friend, nelly and thongs? oh. yes! i know who you are speaking of. he was several years ago and didn't - can i use contractions with you? he did not have any more songs after that first one. do you enjoy politics?
person on left : dear friend, politics? yes! interesting! i like terminator and the wrestler who no longer on politics.
person on right : dear friend, yes, he was kind of an embarassment. the wrestler. the terminator, as you say - well - i'm on the fence.
person on left: dear friend, you should get down.
person on right: dear friend, it was a figure of speech. i am not on the fence, literally. i just do not know if i agree with his choices in office.
person on left: dear friend, yes. i know the joke, i make one back.
person on right (earnestly, sincerely): dear friend, right. i see. funny. you made me laugh very hard.

pause.

person on right: dear friend, i am sorry if i did not give you enough to respond with. i was noncommittal so to speak. do you know that word? it means i could not decide on some to answer with definitely.

pause.

person on right: dear friend, have i offended you?

an empirical return.

2007-02-12T21:31:00.000-05:00

two people on a crowded subway. they don't know each other, but are entangled in something of a hug, but ignore each other. they look in opposite directions. their pose in unrealistic, but not necessarily meant to be funny or ridiculous. it's simply the way they have to stand.

a man downstage : i.. don't.. even know what empirical means without looking it up. i guess i do. if i think about it, but i'm just not entirely sure. i guess, i could look it up, or i could probably just believe that i know what it means. what i'm thinking means empirical is empirical. that's ok with me. i'll believe it. isn't the meaning what i've endowed it? i constitute so. another word i don't -

he stops. the focus returns to the two people on the subway who are now embracing. not looking at each other, but resting their heads into the other's body. the end.

Love Means Hurt to Show Love is Really Love

2006-11-27T20:54:00.000-05:00

Woman 1 : I want to lock you up so no one can see you but me.
Woman 2 : I want to write your name on every bathroom stall in America - Nay, the world - but not give the right phone number so only I can call you.
Woman 1 : I want to drink the ocean's water until there's none left so you can walk to other continents.
Woman 2 : I want to end every song with your name so I can always be reminded of you - not that I'm not thinking of you anyway, but reminders are good.
Woman 1 :I want to name all the stars after you but not tell anyone so only I can know that they're yours.
Woman 2 : I want to blow up important centers of international trade so you can see the magnitude of my love for you.
Woman 1 : I want to punch the face of everyone who looks at you because they don't deserve to look at you.
Woman 2 : I want to sing Bruce Springstein songs to you because while his music is subpar at best, I would lower my expectations to be with you.

Pause. Simultaneously, Woman 1 punches herself in the face. She screams in pain, crying. Woman 2 sings "Born to Run," by Bruce Springstein.

Woman 2 : H'ooh!
Baby this town rips the bones from your back.
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap,
We gotta get out while we're young
'cause tramps like up, baby we we born to run.
Baby, we were born to run.

They go until they stop, then limp or walk off stage.

1 Year Retrospective/Out of Context, into Context/Recycled Words

2006-11-21T21:15:00.000-05:00

I, Adam, stand somewhere where you can see me, not hidden away in a missing post from the past (I'm surprised if you found this).

Adam : About one year ago, I started this silly little blog to get in the habit of writing. After falling behind, catching up, giving up, starting again, falling behind... and all of that. I thought possibly now would be a good time to give a retrospective "stage montage."

I make the quote fingers on stage montage.

Adam : So let's go back to a couple lines from some of my favorites, shall we?

I pull out a piece of notebook paper with handwriting all over it. It's nearly illegible, except it is legible because I have to read from it.

Adam : You're not listening to me. I'm a local, from born and raised right here in the town of Oregon. Are you- Are you sent from the heavens? Gobble, gobble. Beep. I ended up in jail because she was 15. I'm ok. It's the middle of the summer. I'm home schooled. I'm going to talk to you. Why shouldn't I do that? Fuck you turkeys! I hate you. I could rule pretty well. Use your teeth then. Just bend over and pick up that ball and paddle. Well, then, congratulations to you. I've got a bomb! I would care if you stopped. I like what you do. And you're married. Fine. We're almost relics. Would it be weird of me to ask you for coffee? You aren't doing anything right now are you? It's very dark tonight. We've come to the realization that we can't afford anything beyond a minimal amount of food. Hello. Oh, hello there. How do you feel? Ok, what? Look at me. I have eyes, I can see. Blurt it out too. I'm sorry. I was over-stimulated and lost control. I'm sorry. Hey. I'm on fire! Is someone there? I heard there was an uprising with Moonies. Hi. How are you. I'd like a number two please. To go. We have so much to talk about. When I wrap the cotton wap around the toothpick, it gives me slightly more control over the swab, so I can put my make up on better, clean my ears better. Roger? Did you still want to go to that RV show this afternoon? Portugal. Well, yeah - they once tried to change the slogan to Toled-Oh! but rather than making people thing, "Oh! Toledo." They thought "Tolee D'oh!" like Homer Simpson. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Hot dog! What did you call me? IIIIII'mmmm tiiiiiired. Leeeeet's haaaaaave diiiiinnnnnnneeer. They deserve all the child porn the world can provide. That's very racist of you. KoKo, this is Dolly. Dolly. No. Not hamburger. Dolly! She is our new friend here. The world is changing Ziggy. Why can't you change too? Hey, you show him who's the fucking motha'fucka'. Oh my god, I've done it. I have felt. I think I should go. Chiclets? I really have nothing to say about this subject anymore. I'm embarassed for you. Maybe you should pick up the Ben Franklin rock instead. That's not what I mean. No. Definitely not funny. Good morning foot. It is time. Today is the day you will meet her. Her. Your mother. It's been years since you first began writing your letters. First letters, then emails. Emails. Amazing where the world has gone in terms of ease of communication, technology, board games. Do you think that in the future, we might return to the pen and paper. But by pen and paper, you mean communication through thought. Mother, I'm thinking to you, are you there? Yes. Yes. Yes. That was Carrie Underwood's new Jam. Oh yeah? Oh, haha. Yeah. I could see that. Mike! Watch this. Occupied. I suck the farts from dead chickens. When-I-was-little-I-fell-off-my-two-wheeled-bicycle-and-skinned-my-elbow. I-thought-it-looked-like-bird-poop-and-my-mom-had-to-come-get-me. Then-when-I-was-a-little-older-in-a-different-state-I-was-riding-a-different-bicycle- too-fast-and-skinned-the-back-of-my-ankle-where-my-achilles-tendon-was. It-hurt-real-bad. Do you guys want to play Don't Break the Ice? Could you turn around then? Bill, this is John. Jesus. The tip of michigan isn't even made of earth. This whole part of the state is one ice cliff that won't even be around in two weeks. I think Sleepless In Seattle is supposed to be on TV. Hello? Can I have 2 scoops of vanilla please? Hey! Do you have any beads?! You look like a homeless person who has a coat. I'm John. If I were to get a balloon tied to my wrist, please be willing to cut it. Let's grow some flowers! Actually, I'm sorry, I would like more coffee, please. Airplanes! Stay away! I wonder if anyone wants to know what feet smell like? El origen del cohete es probablemente oriental. La primera noticia que se tiene de su uso es del año 1232, en China, donde fue inventada la pólvora. Sandra?Everyone. Everyone. With coffee as my inspiration, I've decided to join you. Together we will run to fight for our cause. Together, with this jolt of energy we'll run as fast as we can to defeat - Breast cancer. I don't think a shower will ever cure me of this feeling I have right now. I don't think I've ever walked as far in a single day let alone- I'm sure you are familiar, instant messages are how men who do ghastly things to little girls and boys contact those little girls and boys? Stop worrying. “Just kindly lift me now!” Oscar pleaded, I'll find where you sleep and cut off your balls. Bernie Mac is funny. Today I'd like to talk about James Pumpernickel Abbott. He lives at 3555 Avantar St in Ohio, Illinois. His phone number is 800-866-2449. He has an 800 number because he gives his phone number out to everyone he meets and thinks more people will call him. More women will call him if it's free. I don't know how this is working for him, as I am in space. Which is why I'm floating. Right now. I think I'm going blind in my left eye. If there's anything I can't stand it's a woman who feels like she needs to be proud just because she's in charge. That's horse shit. Touch it. Diiiiiiscooooouuuunt Shooooooeeeees. Hi. I'm a dollar bill. Do you remember me? I used to be worth a gallon of gas. Hello? Hello? Is someone out there? Jim? Are you borrowing some sugar? That's fine. I wish you'd called first, but go ahead. Jim? Welcome to Sunglasses Hut. You're squinting, and I'd like to stop that. It went past funny and into killing the joke. Where's the couch? Yeah. yeah. I'm fine. Just, you know, cold. Title, the American Civil War, March twenty-second, two thousand six. I'm here to convince you to stop reproductive cloning. All four of you, well.. maybe more, but I know only four of you are listening. Dear Me, In the future, you will marry a whore named Allison. Do you think people use the word despondent just to sound smart? Aren't there enough D-E words? ... If I could do this all again, and I mean this... whole thing. I don't think I could. I should probably stop using my gasoline car. You know, last year I had this problem with a performance being cancelled and it seems that everything always has glitch in it sometimes. Look, I've got to go. And. You need to stop this. Now. Add 2000 years to the year you last remember. I'm going to kill you. I'm not really sorry. I love you. What's your name? Hello? Richard? Hello? Is Richard there? Hello? No peppers tonight, please. Hello? No. I'm sorry. Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You've got God, I've got the Internet. Sandwiches. I don't know which one to get. Are you eating? What about you What did you do? I'll pay. Rich? Get the fuck out of my room! I paused there, for a minute. I did something else, and now I'm back. Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep. I haven't connected in years. Tom? Who's Tom? Again, incredibly sorry about this turn of events. I'll never wear anything but yellow sweatsuits. Blood inside the bag? Did it... oh god. Did it eat him? Henry Henry Henry. Oh god. Put your penis in my disk drive. I got it at the gap. I am but a boy! I am but a boy! They were almost dead, so I was just finishing them off. Technically, that's how they died. There were some other hurdles in that race, let me tell you.. No. No. You. Where did you grow up. So I say to the other guy, hey - get your ooze outta my wife. Bye. Oh. Well... Ok. Derg. Nuff. Car. Persa meek opop. It's best with Spanish rice. No - it's me. I'm so clumsy. God. My pants. A fucking child? A motherfucking goddamned shiteating child? Jesus Christ! You're on the train? Over the bridge? Let me think. That will be. Gosh. Uhm. That'll be about fifteen minutes, tops. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! God fucking fuck! Why would you do that? This is horrible! Why? Oh god it hurts! Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck! I can't come to you! Please stop and give me ice cream! I'll give you money! it looks like bird poop. Can you tell me about sizing for your- for your men's underpants? My icecream cone. it's kind of embarassing, but my hair, sometimes gets a little. And I'm going bald right here, slowly, I'm giving you the larger cup today, at no charge. Are you ready to laugh? It's ok everyone. Everyone! It's ok. I have a snack in my bag. I want to sing Bruce Springstein songs to you because while his music is subpar at best, I would lower my expectations to be with you...

I put the piece of paper away.

Me : Thank you.

I leave. The stage collapses. Everything catches fire. Including you.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for, Lionel Richie?

2006-11-19T23:52:00.000-05:00

A and B stand blindfolded on opposite sides of the stage. Lionel Richie's Hello? plays. Before the play starts, someone spins A and B around so they are very dizzy. Both are holding props (a rubber chicken and a Rubik's cube, for example). Throughout the play, they try to make their ways to each other by any means possible (crawling, if necessary).

A
I feel very lost.

B
I hate that I can't see you right now. I am mortified that I have to trust that you are out there somewhere.

A
I am here waiting for you! And I think you're radiant.

B
Why can't I find you? Where did you go?

A
I'm here, and I have a gift for you.

B
This distance is terrible.

A
This will get better. We will be better. The distance? Its temporary.

Once A and B reach each other, they remain blindfolded.

A
Here, this is for you. (Hands prop to B.)

B
Wow, is this a rubber chicken (or whatever the prop is)? I'm flattered. Here, this is for you. (Hands prop to A).

A
We were meant to be, you and I. And this Rubik's Cube proves it.

A and B hug.

I've Got A Snack In My Bag

2006-11-19T23:19:00.000-05:00

Man : It's ok everyone. Everyone! It's ok. I have a snack in my bag.

He points offstage.

Man : The messenger bag off stage left over there. There is a snack in the one of the smaller pockets inside the main part of the bag. I can not eat it right now, as I need to finish this play first, but as soon as I leave the stage. I will, in fact, walk to my bag and open it, remove the snack, and then eat it. In mere moments, that is what I will do. I will eat it and enjoy its glorious mix of crackers and cheese and the fact that they give me enough power and control over my cheese to cracker, or cracker to cheese ration destiny. They put that cracker in my hand and say, look here, guy! You choose!

I've been looking forward to this all day. As a child I would rarely get this kind of snack. But when I do - OH BOY, it was glorious. Goodness abounded, and special events and memories mark the specific days I had these crackers and cheese. My first kiss, 13 years ago, an A+ in a science class 8 years ago, a goal in a soccer match 5 years ago. We didn't win - But I STILL SCORED. I'd not thought about this for years... until, listlessly walking through the grocery store. Suddenly, Crackers and Cheese. Crackers and cheese - crackers and cheese! Every single time, something goes well. So. In a few moments, I will tempt fate. I will look her in the eyes and ask her what's in store for me, today. With only a short time remaining today, what will she do this time. Something great will happen. I have this feeling.

He makes a circle with his hand around his stomach.

Man : Here we go!

He runs off. The lights fade. The rise up again on ANOTHER man sitting center stage with the empty container of the cheese and crackers. He lips the tips of his fingers. The first man just walks out, up stage and in a corner and stares.

Let's Do A Play! Together!

2006-10-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

Two people. In all blacks. Backstage. They are stagehands.

Man : God I hate this play.
Woman : It's awful.
Man : They do a terrible job, too.
Woman : Well.. the guy who plays the lead is ok.
Man : You mean the one who is playing the Mel Gibson role?
Woman : Yeah.
Man : In the King's play?
Woman : Is it the King's play or the Queen's play?
Man : I... I guess I'm not really sure. I've always just called it by it's name.
Woman : You're tempting fate.
Man : Well, I sometimes like to go to MACdonald's with my friend BETH.

Offstage Man's Voice (it's like he's squawking, painfully) : TO BE!!?!?

Man : God. I could do this better.
Woman : Why don't you?
Man : Because this play is stupid. And I don't know the lines.
Woman : We should write our own play.
Man : God. What a great idea. Who better to write plays than the people who have sit and listen to how awful they can be.
Woman : None of that emotional drivel.
Man : I love the word drivel.
Woman : It's a sophisticated word.
Man : And only has two syllables.
Woman : Mm. Yeah.

They gaze at each other.

Offstage Man's Voice : THAT! Is the question..

Woman : God. It takes forever.
Man : He's milking it tonight.
Woman : He is. When is he not?
Man : I'd like to take my tool that's tied to my beltloop with twine and

He gently swings his wrench.

Woman : Careful of the -
Man : I know. I built it.
Woman : Styrofoam.

pause.

Woman : It really looks like a real tombstone.
Man : Thanks. I based it off of my mother's.
Woman : I'm sorry.. when did she -
Man : She's not.. yet.. When I was twelve we planned ahead.
Woman : That's great that you can bring in your own life experiences to make your art.
Man : What if we -
Woman : Yes?
Man : What if we stopped the show.
Woman : The run?
Man : Well, yeah.. but right now. Someone needs to help these poor people being subjected to a dead language that they only pretend to appreciate or understand. Even a renaissance fair is better than this.
Woman : I love renaissance fairs.
Man : Me too.

Pause. They gaze.

Man : But it would have to be funny.
Woman : Really funny.
Man : Because this play isn't.
Woman : Not at all.

pause.

Woman : Funny.

The man stands up quickly. His crotch is eye-level and close to her face. She stares as he says his next line for just a moment, then stands up too.

Man (he whispers, but yells his whispers, he is impassioned) : With this wrench, we will save this audience. This show. We will do our own show. One that will change their view of theater,
Woman : Yes!
Man : Comedy,
Woman : Yes!
Man : Shakespeare.
Woman : Oh yes!

They storm out through the curtain.

Voice Offstage : What- What are you -

The sound of struggle. The sounds melons being smashed with a hammer.

Woman's Voice : Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the interuption. The you were once seeing.
Man's Voice : And so quiet for -
Woman's Voice : In a bad way,
Man's Voice : Has been cancelled.
Woman's Voice : And now, we only have one question,

Grandiose pause.

Man's Voice (expectantly, as if to make the greatest punchline ever) : Are you ready to laugh?

Silence. The lights go out quickly.

Lunch.

2006-10-18T00:12:00.000-04:00

A glass encased counter. An Asian, possibly Chinese, woman stands behind in a clean looking fast-food uniform. She is not an import, has no accent, merely looks "ORIENTAL." She looks kind of plain, but not unattractive.

More directly, it's like Subway, but not. At all. Subway. She smiles as a man enters the scene.

Ana : Hi sweetie.
Nick : Hi.
Ana : How are ya' today?
Nick : Oh. I'm great. How are you?
Ana : What can I get for you?
Nick : Uh. A sandwich. Made of - chicken.

Ana laughs, politely, but sincerely. She smiles.

Ana : What kind of bread?
Nick : Italian?

Ana looks.

Ana : Ohh, we're out of Italian.
Nick : Then how about....-
Ana : White?
Nick : Sounds good.

As she combines food, she smiles. Always pleasant and sincere.

Ana : Toasted?

She holds up the bread.

Nick : No, that's ok. I'm sure it's annoying to have to toast the bread.
Ana : What kind of cheese?
Nick : American.
Ana : Vegetables?
Nick : Uh - Tomatoes, onions, lettuce.
Ana : Tomatoes... onions... lettuce. Anything else?
Nick : No - well - what do you think? What do you like on yours?
Ana : I usually have mayonnaise.
Nick : I'll have that, then. Please.

She squirts mayonnaise from a tube onto the bread.

Ana : Anything else?
Nick : Just these chips.
Ana : The meal?
Nick : Yes, please.
Ana : I'm giving you the larger cup today, at no charge.
Nick : Oh! Ok, thanks.
Ana : Seven dollars, six cents, please.
Nick : Here's ten.
Ana : Out of ten - do you a dime or a quarter?

Nick searches around.

Nick : No.. I have another ten.
Ana : That's ok.

She hands him his change. He begins to grab his separate items, chips, cup, and sandwich. She stops him and puts it all in a bag.

Nick : Thank you.

She moves on to the next person and smiles. For the next two minutes, Nick imagines what it would be like to date Ana. Wondering about her parents, her lifestyle, how old she is. He then decides that they lead lives that are too different and forgets about it. Of course, the audience doesn't really know this. Maybe they should read the play instead.

In The Future Technology Will Render Itself Obsolete

2006-10-17T13:07:00.000-04:00

A news conference. David Titelwinks, an announcer stands at the podium. Josh Gergahue stands to the side. He is in a suit and the focus of the news conference. He has a rubber racketball ball in his pocket. Reporters stand in front with cameras, tape recorders, note pads.

David : Thank you all for coming today. Ladies and Gentleman, we've entered a stage in humanity and technology, that no other race or people has before. Never have we seen such growth so quickly. And coming from one source. Josh Gergahue. It the past three years, he has brought us new technology, improved our old technology and brought us to a point where it seems nearly impossible to move forward. But as he told me just before stepping out, we will. First, there was the portable phone. Phones had gotten so small already, but with Mr. Gergahue's innovation, he changed the landscape of the earpiece portable phone to the impossibly small velcro-chip. A small microchip that sticks to the hair of your face or ear by velcro. So small it's incredibly inobtrusive, so powerful no microphone or earpiece is needed. And the sound quality. You press scoffed when we first used the phrase, "Mono-Aural Surround Sound," but you quickly stopped when you first used it. As well, it could be used as a sattelite radio for sports, music, news, police scanners and Gergahue didn't stop there, he also pushed his engineers to make it a hearing aide. So no matter what age you are, you could always be with your portable phone. Always tuned into the world. Then there was the computer. Every home in the world, exluding the Amish, had computers. But with old, fake-looking graphics. Gergahue Inc first introduced, the total Virtual Monitor. A walnut-sized piece of electrical genius, powered by only a couple shakes in one's hand, that projected a three-dimensional world in one's room. A market place with high resolution graphics and the ability to move about your room and discover the cyber world. You could meet and see other people as they truly look, with their every movements, or go to Ghost and be invisible to those around you, while still maintaining the ability to see everything. We got everyone off their seat and into a new social world, with out ever having to leave your home. You could send voice message to each other merely by saying the commands,

The press in unison : Starship transmit

David : Yes! And public transportation. He fulfilled every child and adults' dreams when he introduced his Go! Tubes. He transformed the subway system of New York into a collection of temperature controlled, clean running tubes that would comfortably shoot people from location to location with the speed and delicacy of a humming bird, and even less noise. Added to that, for no additional cost, neighborhoods and even homes could have entryways installed to their homes, at a flat percentage of an annual income. That means that for 5% of what you make, no matter what you make, you could get a Go! Tube installed so you could go from breakfast to work in a few moments without worry of traffic, other people, awful smells anything at all. Time Magazine referred to them as wombs of joy, like being a fetus again with out the birth fluids. So cozy and simply pushed along by bursts of air. And the best part, nobody had to talk to each other.

The press clap.

David : Before I go on, I've clearly set you all up with some hints as to what Mr. Gergahue is bringing up in our talk today. Let me introduce, Josh Gergahue.

The press clap.

Josh : Thank you, David. That was quite the introduction. Friends in the Press, thank you for coming today. I know that you didn't have to accept our invitation and you could be covering something else entirely, like a parade or a child's play, but you chose me, us. So let's enter the new world of technological advancement. David has covered where we've been, now I'd like to talk about what's next. First. I'll start with the portable phone. We've gone from something that is stuck to the wall, or on a coffee table, to a phone that could only be brought a few feet from a single location to a candy-bar sized unit you carry with you to an earpiece, back to a watch communicator as a nostalgic throw back to the Dick Tracy comics, to pens that double as phones, lapel pin phones, then to the velcro chip, but now - we've gotten something even more incredible. And it's never costed less. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the newest form of communication, simply called COMMUNICATION. Completely interactive, visual, and low-priced. Now, if David can walk into the other room.

David leaves.

Josh : Now, normally, with many older versions of vocal communications, we might have to turn on some speakers, or pipe in the dial tone, but right now, all I want you to know is that I have no ear piece. No microphone, simply - my body. Myself. Prepare for the future. Is he gone?

Someone nods.

Josh : Here we go.

He clears his throat.

Josh (speaking loudly clearly) : Hello? David?
David (offstage) : Yeah?
Josh : Josh, here.
David (offstage) : Oh! Hey! What's up?
Josh : Not much. I'm just testing out COMMUNICATION. You?
David (offstage) : Oh.. I'm just standing in the hallway, waiting for you to test it out.
Josh : Great! Well, I think that's enough.
David (offstage) : Bye.

Josh pauses. For effect. There is blank reaction from the press. One single camera flashes.

Josh : And I know what you're thinking, what about the music? With the Velcro Chip, you stored all of your music remotely, and so with only vocal commands you could access any song you own, piped into your ear. With COMMUNICATION, we've made it easier. Music comes to your mind, just as you think about. Right now. I'm thinking of the A-Team theme song. A classic tv show if you didn't know. And I can hear the theme song. Loud and clear. There's no worry of sound levels, it's as loud or soft as I want it to be. Music I haven't even heard before. There it is. There are no batteries, no earpieces, nothing but what's -

He mouths the words "right here" and points to his head.

Press person : How much music can it hold?
Josh : Infinite.
Another Press Person : I'm not sure I understand - could you tell me how you hear the music, again?
Josh : It's simple. I stand here, with no music, then think, Rolling Stones, and - Ha! There it is. I can hear it. I think about it, and there it is. And now moving on the home computer.

An uproar of talking from the press. It sounds disgruntled, but no words can be discerned.

Josh : Now I know what you're thinking. How could you possibly top the life changing, ever-transforming sphere that brought us a whole new 3D world? Simple.

The lights dim. A screen lowers from the ceiling. A video plays. A prophetic voice. The picture starts with a small boy in a living room, in front of an oversized computer. Over the next speech the boy gets older, the computer smaller. The color and picture more vivid and clear, until finally a man in his 30's handsome, with a 5 o'clock shadow and a persistant and perpetual smile. There is still just one thing not right by the end of the speech. The man will look kind of sad upon a final close up. Listless, in a funny way.

Voice : Imagine a world with information at your finger tips. At the click of a button you can access millions and millions of pages filling your brain with knowledge of the world around you. And now, imagine that world has become just a little clearer, faster, more interesting. You can talk to others in real time, shop, make more informed decisions about life, insurance, sexual preference. Now think, what if - just what if there was no button. Everything was voice commanded. You could command your computer to show you just about anything. And better yet, the computer is smaller than your fist, and projects a picture all around your room, and you are virtually there. But just virtually.

The voice pauses. The man looks listless. The room grows dark, blue. The camera pulls away, the walls fall and sunlight pours in. Around him is the center of a town in the midst of a farmer's market or flea market. Life surrounds him. The music is faster, as if to exclaim : Success! Everything is going to be o.k.! Throughout the next monologue the camera spins around the man accenting each point the voice makes. The man is happy, the colors are incredible.

Voice : Now what if everything around you suddenly became real. You could really touch what you saw, smell what could be smelled, hear a new kind of sound quality - untouched by engineers. You can feel a real breeze, see the open sky. What if you thought, "I'd like to shop for something from my wife, and then you could be there? No waiting for shipping, actually knowing what is in and what isn't. Working with an actual person to find what's right for you, experiencing reality at it most tangible, visceral, experiential. You think you get it, right now. Watching this screen, But you can't without truly experiencing OutLife, from Josh Gergahue.

The camera cuts to Josh, in a suit, smiling talking to associates, he turns to the camera.

Josh (on tv) : You're gonna love it.

The screen goes blank. The audience sits in silence. Josh walks to podium smiling. Proud.

Press person : So you basically just go out-
Josh : Yes! It's basic. It's simple. Unique. We're so proud of this. I can't even tell you. And now, the simplicity of short distance travel.
Press : Uh - sir, I'm not sure you can really improve on your current system. You've replaced all travel with tubes. I don't think anyone could be happier. It's clean, economical, friendly -
Another Press person : Uh- actually the only complaint I have is -well -

David brings out a podium, covered in a sky printed sheet, something underneath the sheet.

The Same Press Person : - it's kind of embarassing, but my hair, sometimes gets a little. And I'm going bald right here, slowly

He points to the front region of his hair, every looks a little closer and gives an "Ah" as if to say, "I see it."

The Same Press Person Still : And well, I have to have my hair just a certain way - to hide -

He sees a person next to him writing what he says down. He tries to grab the pen. There is a quick struggle, he gets the pen.

The Press Person Who Shall Now Be Known As Roger, As He Had Several Lines : Excuse me, to hide my ever-showing scalp. And the wind in the tubes messes my hair up.

Right upon the word "up" David pulls the sheet from the podium to reveal a bright red helmet with a bold of lightening on each side. Josh smirks. A pleasant smirk.

A Different Press Person : Jesus!
Josh : Ladies and Gentlemen, a helmet!
A Completely Different Press Person : Sir, does that helmet speed travel, or keep one safer?
Josh : No. It's soul purpose is to keep your hair from getting mussed while you travel in the tubes. It contains no batteries, no power outlet. And it costs two hundred dollars.

The press applaud, cheer, hoot and holler. And take lots of pictures.

Josh : I'm only kidding.

The press stop clapping abruptly, there arms drop quickly, disappointed.

Josh : Actually. What I'm suggesting is that you all start walking or riding bicycles to where you need to go. Really, how can you improve upon tubes? They're perfect.
Press Person : Can we still buy those helmets, though?
Josh : What?
Another Press Person : The helmets, will you really sell them? Can we purchase them?
Josh : No. I was only kidding. I mean, it's just an old motorcycle helmet we spray painted. It's a joke.
Another Press Person : How much did you say they were?
Josh : They're not for sale. You don't understand -
A Different Press Person : He said two hundred dollars.
Press Person : Thank you.

All of the press talk quickly loudly to eachother and leave.

Josh : Uh -

Fathers and Sons

2006-10-16T23:51:00.000-04:00

A son, eating ice cream. It's chocolate. Chocolate is getting all over his face. He is standing next to his dad, who stands looking off. The son, who is maybe 8, licks his icecream to hard and it drops to the ground. He begins to cry.

Son : Daddy. It-it fell.
Father (annoyed) : What?
Son : The wind knocked it over.
Father : Knocked what over?
Son : My icecream cone.
Father : You dropped it.
Son : No. It fell.
Father : You dropped it on the ground. Stop crying.
Son : I - I - I'm sorry. I didn't mean
Father : For Christ's sake, stop crying!

He pushes his son a little.

Son : I can't help-
Father : Stop the fucking crying, you're not getting the ice cream back. It's ruined.
Son : Can- I get a - new-
Father : Jesus. No!

He pushes his son onto the ground. Violently.

Father : Get up, let's go.

The Son cries hard. The father goes to grab his hand. He gets it, the child shrieks. It is bloodcurdling. The Father picks up and holds the child. He is not happy.

Father : Jesus. Always fucking - grow up a little huh? That's all I want. Grow up.

He begins to walk a little, the child's crying subsides to sniffles. A man in a suit coat enters the stage. He looks to the ice cream, then to the Father holding his son. He applauds.

You owe me (or, written in a flurry of creative energy at work)

2006-10-15T11:47:00.000-04:00

I think you have what I need.

Give it to me.

[indicates by moving fingers up and down with up-turned palm]

Wait. Before you do that.

Think about this.

Think about being indebted.

No. In debt.

To someone. (Me).

Or something. (The idea of me as collector).

And ask yourself: "Does it really even matter?"

You might extend that thought ever further to "Do *I* really even matter?"

But that’s just lazy philosophizing. Get to the issue of material possession and its importance.

What will you take with you when you die.

Presumably, nothing. But if afterlife is merely everyone else’s memory of you, then materialism can be quite important.

You have what I need. You owe this to me.

You will die, indebted to society, beholden to me.

Our memory of you is that of a dead-beat.

Your eternity in hell is spent as an eternity of (at best) anonymity or (at worst) ignominy.

Pay up.

Underpants

2006-10-13T22:00:00.000-04:00

A man, in underpants that are too small. He stands in front of a mirror turning and looking. Sucking his stomach in, letting it go. adjusting himself. He is in a bathroom. with a long mirror. A phone is by him. It is on speaker phone. Phil Collins, "One More Night" plays. It is Mono.

Customer Service Woman : Fruit of the loom, cause it fits?

The man jumps to phone.

Man : Hello? Hello?
Customer Service Woman : Yes. Hello.
Man : Hi my name is James. I'm calling from Nebraska.
Customer Service Woman : Hello James, what can I do for you today?
Man : I have a couple of questions.
Customer Service Woman : Well, maybe I have a couple of answers.

The man laughs, forcedly and continues quickly.

Man : Can you tell me about sizing for your -

He picks up the phone.

Man : for your men's underpants?
Customer Service Woman : I'm sorry?
Man : Men's underpants. The sizing, can you tell me about the sizing?
Customer Service Woman : Please hold.

The man goes back to hold. He stands for a moment. Presses speakerphone and puts the phone down. "One More Night" continues.

Automated Voice : Thank you for choosing Fruit Of The Loom. Because it fits. In order to direct your call I will need some information. Please say your answers loudly or press a numeric key for you answers. Are you ready? Say Yes or No. Or press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

Man : Yes.
Automated Voice : Your answers was, Yes. Is that correct? Say Yes or No. Or press 1 for yes, 2 for no.
Man : Yes.
Automated Voice : Thank you. Please listen to following list of options, then choose one. For Men's and Boy's wear, say Men's or Boy's wear, or press 1. For Woman's or Girl's wear, say Woman's or Girl's wear, or press 2.
Man : Men's or Boy's wear.
Automated Voice : You have chosen, Men's and Boy's wear. For Adult Male garments, say Adult Male garments or press 1. For Boy's garments, say Boy's garments or press 2.
Man : Adult Male garments.
Automated Voice : You have chosen Boy's garments. Please be aware, if you are an adult male making this call, please be aware that this call will be recorded and filed with the State of New York to help protect the children of America
Man : Wait, no. No.
Automated Voice : Please state your name and address. For operator assistance say operator or press 0.

The man walks over the phone and presses 0. The phone clicks. "One more night" plays again. He stands by the phone. Waiting.

Customer Service Woman : Fruit of the Loom, cause it fi-
Man : Hi. I was misdirected from the automated system.
Customer Service Woman : Ok. Let me track this phone call.

There is the sounded of typing. Then a pause.

Customer Service Woman : Mmmhmm. And you were trying for?
Man : Men's undergarments - Look I just have one quick ques-

One more night plays. In mono. Again.

Automated Voice : You have reached, Men's Garments. Were you inquiring about 1, Briefs, 2 Boxer Briefs, 3 Bo-
Man : Boxer briefs.
Automated Voice : -ers, 4 trunks, or 5 high fashion undergarments, press the number preceding each title or say each title.
Man : Boxer briefs.
Automated Voice : You have chosen, Boxer briefs. Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs are America's most comfortable underpant. With the freedom of boxers, but the fabric and comfort of a brief, boxer briefs graze in the happy middle of stylish, functional and attractive. Boxer briefs come in a variety of colors and styles, including flat black, red, gray and striped. Each pair comes with a superior elastic waistband.

The man sits down.

Automated Voice : You can even purchase Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs at most major shopping outlets. Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs come in four sizes, Small, for waists approximately thirty to thirty two, Medium, for waists approximately thirty four to thirty six, Large, for waists approximately thirty eight to forty, and extra large for waists forty two to forty four. Thank you for your interest in Fruit of the Loom.

The phone hangs up. The man waits. A dial tone rings. The man picks up the phone. A redialing phone is heard. He sits back down. The phone rings.

Automated Voice : Fruit of the Loom, cause it fits?
Man : Hi I'm-
Automated Voice : All of our representatives are currently working with other callers, please wait on the line.

"One More Night" plays for an obscene amount of time. The man goes to the bathroom the moment he flushes -

Customer Service Woman (the same from before) : Fruit of the -

she pauses.

Customer Service Woman : Loom. Because it fits.
Man : Pleae don't put me on hold, or transfer me. I have a simple, quick question.
Customer Service Woman : Ok, sir. How can I help you.
Man : Well, my name is James and I'm calling from Nebraska.
Customer Service Woman : Ok.
Man : I just bought a pair of boxer briefs from the store, sized medium, because that what I normally get with other brands. I thought this time I'd try Fruit of the Loom, because - well because it reminded me of when I was a kid and - anyway, that's not the point. Like I said, normally I get medium sized because I'm sized 34, and that's the size for a Hanes pair and what's listed for medium on your, but for some reason, the pair I'm wearing are just a bit snug.
Customer Service Woman : The pair you're wearing?
Man : Yeah.
Customer Service Woman : As in, right now you are currently wearing them?
Man : Yes.
Customer Service Woman (sighing) : Well sir. Studies have shown that Fruit of the Loom underwear tends to run smaller than other brands.
Man : Oh.
Customer Service Woman : Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Man : No, I mean.. I guess not. That's it? It just runs smaller? So I wasted 8 dollars on - and the time I spent on the-
Customer Service Woman : Thank you for calling Fruit of the Loom.

She hangs up. There is a dialtone. The man looks in the mirror, shaking his head. He puts his pants on and leaves.

Living on an Incline

2006-10-12T22:04:00.000-04:00

A two floor house on an hill. It has a front yard. A tree. The stage has an acute angle when looking at it. Starting from the lowest point stage right, to the heighest on stage right. More houses as the hill goes down, more trees and a dirt hill as you go right. Two 30 year old parents stand in front of a house, looking uphill. A child on a bicycle with streamers on the handles rides down the hill, and falls a few feet short of the parents. He screams. His mother runs to him. His father walks, quickly. She looks at the wound. The child show it to her. He hurt his elbow.

Child : Mom, it looks like bird poop.

rock.bottom.

2006-10-11T18:49:00.000-04:00

a man lies in the middle of the floor, feet toward the audience.

man : i can't get up.

pause.

man : and i'm not hurt. i just laid down right here and

sighs.

man : it felt nice. so i stayed. i just didn't want to get up and an hour passed, then more time, more time, more time. and now. well. i just don't think i can get up. gravity has struck me down, fooled me into thinking i could overpower it at my own will. well gravity. you've won. and here i am. on the ground. face up. staring at the sky. which is gray. and sad.

An ice cream truck is heard is heard quietly.

man : and you know, it's just fitting that i

pauses, listens.

Man : that i just lay here. lay here like I'm a dead body. I doubt anyone would notice.

The music gets louder.

Man : I may as well just - .

He Pauses.

Man : I could really go for a Spongebob Squarepants icecream right now. That would taste good.

The music is almost overpowering with its twinkles and dinkles.

Man : That's it. I'm getting up and getting an icecream.

The man stays where he is.

Man : Oh. Right. Gravity. Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck! I can't come to you! Please stop and give me icecream! I'll give you money!

The man rolls onto his side, but then collapses back to his back.

Man : AH! Shit!

The music gets quieter until it's completely inaudible. Even if it takes a full minute. The man lets out a deep sigh vocal sigh.

man : fuck.

amazement

2006-10-10T17:05:00.000-04:00

A giant hand on stage. Psychadelic lighting.

A voice : Ohh. Mmmmm. Amazing. Wow. Ohhh... woooooow. MMMMMMM.

A gigantic knife with legs dances out on stage.

A voice : Amazing. Yes. Wow. Up and left down and right. Nails and air.

The gigantic knife cuts off finger by finger.

A voice : What? What? Oh my - God. Jesus! Stop it!

Blood spills on the stage. Spraying everywhere.

A voice : Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! God fucking fuck! Why would you do that? This is horrible! Why? Oh god it hurts!

The stage is a pool of blood. The knife dances off stage. The hand falls to the stage with a thump and a splash. Two fingers float down, they resemble a woman's fingers. Painted and nice.

A woman's voice : Hey. Hey. What's the matter?

No response.

Woman's Voice : Hey it - it'll be ok, ok? See? I'm ok.
A Voice : Wha-What? It hurts.
Woman's Voice : It can't be that bad.
Voice : It' pretty bad.
Woman's Voice : But, you know, just try it'll be ok.

The lady fingers bend like legs and stretch. The fingerless hand perks up slightly. The woman's voice giggles. The hand rises, blood streaming out and off.

Voice : Do you- ow. jesus.

The woman's voice giggles again and walks away. The hand lurches forward and falls again.

eggs sure are good. and good for you.

2006-10-09T23:25:00.000-04:00

[MAN center stage; Two women flank him holding eggs. Each time MAN says the word “Egg”, the women will hold their egg with one hand while pointing to it with their other. At the same time they will verbally echo the word “egg” three times, until the women are directed to leave; they should choose a new way of posing each time, but always hold the egg with one hand and point at it with the other]

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Egg!

Egg!

EGG!

Nature's perfect food.

The American Heart Association recommends 7 a week, because Egg is high in protein, vitamins and minerals, yet contains no trans-fat.

And I say, why stop at just seven!

You can scramble, fry, boil, poach, and color Egg each spring to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I assure you: it's fun.

Egg symbolizes birth, fertility, life, and is easy to carry.

EGG!

You, sir [points to audience member]. Have you ever tasted good French toast? [pause for response; if no, reply: “I'm sorry, but I didn't understand your response” and repeat with another audience member]

Stand up sir. Ladies and gentleman, this man has enjoyed Egg in one of its many glorious forms! Give him a round of applause. Good work, sir.

[to audience] I'd like to bring this down a little. Thank you, ladies [indicates to models that they can leave]. I'm the first to admit that I don't always love the mucus-y, gelatinous texture of flan. Nor the runny whites of a sunny-side up (also referred to by cooks as—and remember this—“eggs up.”) In fact, it can sometimes initiate a bit of a gag reflex.

But be honest with yourself. Rolex makes a fine watch, to be sure, but we can't all agree on the handsomest model.

Now. I want you all—right now—to envision your favorite egg dish. Mine is huevos rancheros.

Now tell me. Tell it to me. Shout out your favorite Egg dish!

Yes! Yes! Thank you. Thank you.

We may all—as we have learned—choose different paths, but in the end we all return to: [peels and bites into boiled egg] Egg!

the dance of the anxious flyer

2006-10-08T22:45:00.000-04:00

[He stands center; chair down right facing audience; He aims flashlight at chair. Turns off flashlight.]

[tapping foot, shaking leg.] Sedatives: Liquid, gelcaps, pills, oral, anal.

He has them all.

A confident man brought to his drug-addled, nerve-addled, fear-addled knees.

[he falls to his knees]

Proverbially speaking.

[snaps fingers and clapps his hands in rapid succession] The dance of the anxious flyer.

As he falls in line, a cow on a conveyor belt, his boarding pass is his brand—

[raises body upwards; falls] his ticket for the gravity defying slaughterhouse—

[raises body upwards; falls] a remaining shard of the shattered Tower of Babel...

[raises body and arms upward] Still soaring.

[falls backward this time] It hits the ground.

Or will have.

Eventually.

[sits up] Man laughs. God does not.

[turns flashlight on chair again] God avenges with destructive statistical improbabilities.

[stands; bounces as he walks toward chair] Into the aisle our protagonist makes his way—

Performing his involuntary dance—

[bouncing and steps get more rapid as he nears chair] Past seats not yet ablaze, walking with the calmness of a man who is not calm.

[stops; sits] He sits.

[puts a piece of gum in his mouth] He pacifies.

He awaits.

On A Plane

2006-10-07T23:36:00.000-04:00

[MAN is lying in bed; the following conversation is pre-recorded. As the conversation plays over the speaker, the MAN slowly rises out of bed, gets up, brushes teeth, gets dressed etc. This should all be done slowly—as with hangover or in a stupor.]

WOMAN
Tell me something you've never told anyone else.

MAN
Something I've never told anyone else.

[pause]

Let's see.

WOMAN
It doesn't have to be big.

MAN
I don't think I could think of anything big I haven't told anyone else.

WOMAN
But what time you brushed your teeth this morning doesn't count. It has to be something somebody would want to hear.

[pause]

Nothing?

MAN
I'm thinking.

WOMAN
I'll wait. It's no rush.

MAN
I'm afraid of flying.

WOMAN
Yes.

MAN
I've told you that part before.

WOMAN
Right.

MAN
Once. I had to fly, and I had a middle seat. It was about a 4 hour flight. Was I flying home from New York? Maybe it was to New York. No, I'm sure it was flying back home.

Either way.

I was sitting next to a girl. She was in the window seat, to my left.

She was probably 8 or 9.

She was just as nervous about flying.

At some point about an hour in, she asked aloud if we were going to have to fly through all the clouds below when we landed.

I finally answered. “Probably.”

“Isn't it hard for the pilots to see where they're going?”

“Yes, but it's not like driving. They know where the ground is because of the altimeter, and their radar tells them where the other planes are.”

After a while she asked how tall I thought the clouds were.

We were looking at some large cumulus clouds.

They're the big puffy clouds

WOMAN
Right.

MAN
And some cumulonimbus clouds, which are essentially enormous thunderstorm clouds.

I took a meteorology class in college, so I think of myself as an expert, you know.

WOMAN
Of course.

MAN
Can I just say I miss you?

WOMAN
I miss you too.

[brief pause]

MAN
I told her that the really tall clouds that were flat on top were big thunderstorms.

“But they're white!” she says.

“Right. but when you're above the clouds—where the sun is shining—all clouds are white. They just look gray when it rains because they have so much water in them that they block out the sun. So when you're in a rainstorm, the black clouds are black because you're in their shadow.”

WOMAN
Is that true?

MAN
Sure.

The girl said the same thing I think. “Is that true?”

[brief pause]

I told her that the tallest clouds are sometimes 6 or 7 miles tall.

WOMAN
Really.

MAN
Because they go all the way up to the stratosphere.

We went on like this for a couple of hours.

Mostly, she would point to a cloud and say “Is that one a thunderstorm?”

Mostly, I would say “No. It's just a cloud.”

WOMAN
What was her name?

MAN
I don't know. I never asked.

My palms were sweaty and my head hurt and my stomach just bubbled the whole time.

God I hate flying. It's just awful.

She did tell me she was flying home from Charlotte to see her mom in Dallas.

That's right. I was flying from New York to Dallas and had to change planes in Charlotte. So our flight was only a couple of hours.

By the way, not only can you smoke in the Charlotte airport, but they have big rocking chairs in there too.

WOMAN
Sounds classy.

MAN
It's actually a really nice airport.

That's something I've never told anyone. The thing about the Charlotte airport.

[brief pause]

But the girl was nervous I guess about flying between parents' houses. I think she didn't really want to fly all the way to Texas to see her mom. Sounds like she's daddy's girl and doesn't like to be far away from him.

Then she asked me something I didn't expect.

She asked if I would walk with her off the plane and take her to her mom.

I paused.

And I said her mom would be waiting for her near the gate. She looked big and smart and didn't need a dummy like me showing her where to go.

Then she said: “But you're nicer than my step-dad, and I love you.”

The row in front of me shifted uncomfortably, and I was too busy doing the same to notice what the row behind be was doing. But I heard some giggling.

“Well thank you.”

I wasn't really thinking much about the flight.

In retrospect, that was the most beautiful part about what she said.

WOMAN
No, it's very sweet.

MAN
I've never had a child tell me “I love you” before.

When we finally landed...

As we were in final descent I described to her how the slats on the wings work. This is something I've read about incessantly trying to cure myself.

In vain.

When we landed and started taxiing to the gate, the stewardess came over and told the girl to wait on the plane until everyone was off and that she would escort her into the terminal.

I asked if I could walk her off.

And the stewardess crunched up her face like she just bit into an unexpectedly under ripe banana.

And I knew what just happened.

“Sir, all children must be escorted off by their guardian or a crew member.”

“Oh, of course! Yes, I didn't even think of that. Nevermind.”

I knew everyone could hear this conversation.

It was embarrassing.

WOMAN
I'm sure they thought the two of you were adorable.

MAN
I felt like a molester.

I got off the plane, waved goodbye as I left.

She said—very loudly—“Will you come say bye to me when I get off?”

“Sure.”

I stood outside the gate looking around for who the mother must be, seeing 30-year-old women everywhere, judging me and fearing me.

WOMAN
You're overreacting.

MAN
Was. I'm not now. But I was definitely feeling it then.

She was the last one off. I had managed to work my way almost to the restrooms by this point—a good 50 feet away from the gate.

I saw her. Made eye contact. Waved.

And she didn't wave back. Stared past me. Just another stranger in a crowd that happed to catch her eye. Must have thought I was some random guy waving at someone behind her.

[brief pause]

WOMAN
That's so sad.

MAN
Well. I guess not that sad. I didn't even know her name.

That Game, or Mary Full of Grace

2006-10-06T19:08:00.000-04:00

And you and I will have stood right here.

No right here. [indicates]

Where we saw the TV from an odd angle making the field look longer than it really was.

Or will have been.

And you.

You think of yourself as an Irish stout man, with a penchant for Mexican lagers.

But on that night, we will have had 5 Coors Light longnecks by the third quarter.

Because they'll have been on sale for 2 bucks.

And you think, now—right now, this moment—and I agree—that Coors Light tastes like sparkling water from a corroded tap, but after that night.

After that winning moment, you will have told me (repeatedly) that it tastes like victory.

And your girlfriend.

No, not her. Not your fiancee. She will have long since left town with both your brother and that diamond ring.

Your new girlfriend will have high-fived us all shouting “Wooooo!” Just one of the guys.

Unlike her. [pointing]

We will all have shouted “Woooo!” more than 2 dozen times. And staccato 'yeahs'. And in less than an hour, you and I will have shared a not uncomfortable victory hug and celebrated our team's win.

Singing unabashedly that famous 70s pop song about being champions as we ran down Ditmars Boulevard.

That moment will have altered your life. You think.

For just a year?

For only a day?

You won't be sure. You will have spent several daydreams at your unfulfilling, but well-paying job thinking back to that game and how much it might changed your life.

And the thousands of other moments: when you will have broken your leg in that car crash, your first divorce, your second kid, the irreparable fight you will have had by this time tomorrow, your birth, your childhood.

[pause; looks up at television]

Oh god. Here it is. C'mon baby. [brief pause; watches play unfold]

Go. Go, gogogogogoyougotityougotityougotit! [millisecond pause]

[arms raised in the air] YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[pause]

But that game. Change or no change, friend, we will have finally won.

Perpetual Bowing

2006-10-05T23:50:00.000-04:00

A brown doorway with no wall. The rest in black. The door opens. A man in a black shirt and jeans walks out. The sound applause is tremendous. He waves

Man : Oh! Ok. Thank you. Thank you.

We haves them down. The applause lowers, but never subsides. The man seems happy enough. He waits for a moment. His phone rings.

Man : Hello? Hey Jerry! What's up. You're on the train? Over the bridge? Let me think. That will be. Gosh. Uhm. That'll be about fifteen minutes, tops. No that's it, you're almost here. Yup.

He hangs up - immediately the audience begins applause again. Louder.

Man : Ah geez. Thanks. Yes. Thank you.

He is less amused and waves it down. It is quiet now, but slightly louder than before. Man starts to whistle, he struggles with a higher note. He licks his lips and hits the note. The audience erupts, it is almost deafening.

Man : Ok! Thank you! Yes! That's very nice! Thank you! I get it! Stop!

The audience goes silent for a moment. The man sneezes or coughs. Someone far away, ever so faintly, but with the passion of a thousand Italians, screams "i love you!" followed by a woman's voice saying the same. There is yelling. Then applause so loud it merely becomes a high pitched ringing. The man mouths the words "What the fuck?! I just sneezed! What is with you people!" as well as some other expletives. Finally, though the ringing has not stopped, he seems to think it has. He looks around listening for even the faintest sound. Nothing to him.

Attacked By A Facecloth

2006-10-04T22:50:00.000-04:00

A classroom of children. They are quietly reading. A man runs in, screaming, with a facecloth on his face. The children scream. His screams are muffled.

Man : Somebody help me! Oh god somebody help me! Dear god in fucking heaven, someone help me!!

The children scream. The man runs around more, screaming "help me! help me!" he knocks over desks, the children scatter away from him.

Man : Someone in this place get off your ass and help me! This facecloth is attached to my face! It won't come off! Somebody! Please help me get it off!

The man trips and falls over. He pauses, on the floor and pants. One little boy walks over.

Little Boy 1 : Mister. I'm gonna pull it off your face.
Man : Fine! Yes! Pull!

The little boy pulls but fails.

Little Boy 1 : I - I'm sorry. It seems the facecloth is stuck by more than mere glue or will alone. I failed you.

The man pulls himself up to his feet.

Man : Who? Who tried to help me?
Little Boy 1 : I did. In front of you. The 8 year old boy. In a school uniform.
Man : A fucking child? A motherfucking goddamned shiteating child? Jesus Christ!

The man rubs his face all over the floor.

Man : Get this thing off. God! It won't come off.

A little girl touches his shoulder. He shoves her to the floor, she begins to cry.

Man : Ah, Christ. I -

The little girl, through her tears, offers him her carton of milk.

Little Girl 1 : Mister, I have some milk you can -

The man grabs the milk and pours it on his face. He pulls and it doesn't work.

Man : Ah this is so horrible. I couldn't imagine anything worse. Ever. I was just washing dishes and - I needed to wipe my face. Oh God!

He pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the face. In front of the children. They cry.

Sitting on a park bench

2006-10-03T23:41:00.000-04:00

A man sits on a bench reading. He takes up much of the space. He's average. A woman comes, impossibly skinny, sees some space on the bench. She looks around, as if to look around for another bench. Nothing. She sits next to him, taking up a snall amount of space and so gently as if to not disturb the air around the man. He glances at her, blankly, then scoots over slightly. She waits, then slowly moves closer to the middle of the bench. With enough space, the both relax their legs a bit. Their knees touch, then move away.

Man : Sorry.
Woman : Oh. Sorry.

She pulls out a sandwich and begins eating it. She takes small bites. He turns the page. Their knees slip again. She fumbles with her sandwich and it falls apart in her lap. The man stands adjusts more, then realizes her sandwich fell.

Man : Oh. Jeez. I'm sorry - I.
Woman : No - it's me. I'm so clumsy. God. My pants.

She wipes off her pants. Some of the sandwich has fallen on the ground, he reaches down to pick it up.

Man : Here's your -

he clears his throat.

Man : Here's your meat.

She smiles.

Woman : Thank you.

She puts her sandwich in a napkin and puts it to the side. He continues reading. She puts her head phones on and walks away, passing him. He glances after she's gone and keeps reading.

My Dream Girl Don't Exist

2006-10-02T11:29:00.000-04:00

A white stage. Two white lawn chairs. A little girl in a sun dress sits and swings her legs, pleasantly. The lights go out. The lights rise again to a man, early thirties. In a white t-shirt and white pants sits in the opposite chair. He has no shoes on. He looks around.

Sara : Hello.
Mike : Hi..?
Sara : How are you today?
Mike : Oh. A little confused?
Sara : Why are you confused?
Mike : Well, the last thing I rem-
Sara : My name's Sara.
Mike : Mike.

She reaches out her hand to shake. Mike obliges.

Sara : It's nice to meet you Mike.
Mike : And likewise you, Sara.
Sara : Do you like handslapping games?
Mike : I guess. When I was your age.
Sara : Put your hands out.

Mike does.

Sara : No. Put them face down. And when I try to slap yours, pull them away.
Mike : I remember this game, Sara.
Sara : Ok. Then do it right.. Mike.

He fixes his hands. He puts hers palm up underneath his. As her palms brush his, she giggles and looks away. He pulls his hands away quickly.

Sara : Aha! You flinched.

She gets up out her chair and punches him in the shoulder for each letter of his name. Hard.

Sara : M! I! K! E!
Mike : Jesus Sara. Not so hard.
Sara : It's too bad you don't go by Michael.
Mike : No. No it's not.
Sara : You have a nice face.
Mike : Thanks. I like your sun dress.
Sara : Do you want it?
Mike : What?
Sara : Do you want the sun dress? I've been wearing it a while and I don't really care for it anymore.
Mike : That's generous of you Sara, but I don't think it would fit me. And then you'd be naked.

She takes off her dress.

Sara : I'm wearing underpants, it's ok.

She gives him the dress and sits down, swinging her legs again.

Mike : Thank-
Sara : You're welcome.
Mike : I killed myself, you know.
Sara : I know. Hey, if you had to play baseball, like in the outfield, and there was a popfly, but instead of a baseball, would you rather have to catch a beehive or a a water balloon full of urine?
Mike : I -
Sara : I'd choose the urine. It's gross, but at least it's probably clean or sterile or whatever.
Mike : I might go with the beehive.
Sara : I could see that. You seem like the type of person who would do that.

There is a pause. Mike laughs.

Sara : What's so funny?
Mike : Oh.. nothing. You.
Sara : How am I funny?
Mike : I don't know. You just make me laugh. You're so full of joy.
Sara : Well. Everything here is white and I've been sitting in a lawn chair for a really long time. I think I've gone past the bored part or the angry part. Now I've just gotten to the point of waiting for a friend. And here you are, so I'm happy. And I feel lucky.

pause.

Sara : I killed myself too.
Mike : What?
Sara : I jumped into the Grand Canyon.
Mike : You - why?
Sara : I was sad.
Mike : Oh.. ... I was sad, too.
Sara : It was in 1986. I was eleven. I am eleven.
Mike : It was 2006. I'm thirty one.
Sara : Do you remember that show Out of This World?
Mike : Oh Wow. I do.
Sara : Looking back, it's a pretty stupid show, but I liked it a lot.
Mike : haha. Yeah. Me too.
Sara : I like chicken.
Mike : It's best with Spanish rice.

There is a pause. She gets up and sits on his lap.

Sara : I like you.

She puts her head on his neck, between his shoulder and jaw. He puts his arms around her. The lights turn warmer, like a sunset, and dim.

Filling In the Blanks

2006-10-01T09:39:00.000-04:00

A Man and Woman.

Man : And I did what?
Woman : You told him that you'd rather go home without pants than get a parking ticket.
Man : And I-
Woman : Took off your pants.
Man : And then?
Woman : He just laughed, because it wasn't it your car.
Man : Jesus.
Woman : He enjoyed it at least.
Man : I don't remember any of that.
Woman : Yeah. It happened. Check your coat pocket.
Man : Why - what's in-

He walks offstage.

Woman : You'll see.
Man : What coat was I wearing last night?
Woman : The black one.
Man : With the stripes?
Woman : No, flat black. With the buttons.

Pause.

Man : What the -
The woman laughs. The man reenters holding a small pyramid.
Man : What is this?
Woman : That's from the drag queen.
Man : Drag -
Woman : Yeah.

Pause.

Man : I have have no idea what happened.
Woman : Derg. Nuff. Car. Persa meek opop.
Man : What?
Woman : Derg! Nuff. Car! Pers meek opop.
Man : Are you - What?

Two men dressed as a cow enter the scene. Once the reach the middle of the stage, the float away.

Man : This is a dream. This is a dream.

The man looks at the woman. He shrugs and punches her in the face. Very hard.

Woman : Ow! Fuck! What the fuck?!
Man : I'm sorry - something must be wrong - I thought-

She looks up at him and she now has a mustache.

I've Lost Something

2006-09-30T09:32:00.000-04:00

A man, Kyle, in a grocery store. He listlessly walks around. Back and forth. He eventually stares at a bottle of dish washing detergent. Someone, Charles, walks up and starts talking to him.

Charles : I like this brand the best.

He indicates a different brand.

Kyle (distracted) : What? Oh. Yeah. I usually go for whatever is the cheapest. Or.
Charles : The is, if you get the cheapest, you end up using more soap than your need to, because your subconsciou-
Kyle : Yeah, I don't really care.
Charles : Oh. Well... Ok.

Charles walks away.

Kyle returns to his listless walking around the grocery store. Periodically picking things up and putting them back down again.

Half Drunk Beer On the Nightstand

2006-09-29T23:50:00.000-04:00

Two telephones a man and a woman standing beside them. They both ring.

Judy : Hel-
Todd : Judy.
Judy : Todd?
Todd : Talk to m-

She hangs up. Todd hangs up. The phones rings again.

Todd : Hel-
Judy : Todd.
Todd : Judy?
Judy : Look - I'm sor-

He hangs up. Judy hangs up. The phones ring again.

Judy : Hel-
Todd breaths, shakily.
Judy : Todd?
Todd : I-

She hangs up. Todd hangs up. The phones ring again.

Todd : Hello?
Judy : Todd.
Todd : Judy?
Judy : I'm.
Todd : Sorry?
Judy : Yeah.
Todd : It's ok.
Judy : Ok.

There is a pause.

Todd (not unkindly) : Goodbye then.
Judy : Goodbye.

They both hang up. The phones ring.

Judy (as if she knows already who it is) : Hello.
Todd : Are you alright?
Judy (surprised that it is someone else) : Oh. Yeah, I'm fi-
Todd : Ok good. You didn't stay over.
Judy : I was really drunk.
Todd : Oh. Yeah. You didn't even finish the Bud you start-
Judy : Yeah. I had to go home.
Todd : How'd you get.. home?
Judy : I had friends take me.. You know, Carrie, and -
Todd : Oh alright. Did you get sick?
Judy : Oh no. I stopped just in the nick of time.
Todd : Good. I was worried for a bit, about you.
Judy : No I'm fine. Long night home.

She laughs tensely.

Todd : Can I see you today?
Judy : I don't feel well. I think I should just stay in.
Todd : Ok, well.. give me a call ifyou change your mind.. or tomorrow. Oh. Don't forget, we're going to the fair tomorrow.
Judy : Yeah.
Todd : I am so excited for elephant ears.
Judy (she laughs, humoring him, uncomfortable) : Yeah. I'll talk to you later.
Todd : Bye.

She hangs up. He hangs up. Her phone rings.

Judy : Hello?. Hi! How are you?

Abbrev.

2006-09-28T21:34:00.000-04:00

2 ghosts. At a round cafe style table.

Ghost 1 : So I say to the other guy, hey - get your ooze outta my wife.
Ghost 2 : Wow. And did he?
Ghost 1 : Yeah, I don't know.
Ghost 2 : Oh.

Pause.

Ghost 2 : I've been having trouble getting to the point, lately. Li-
Ghost 1 : What do -
Ghost 2 : -ke today. I've been focussing on trying to abbreviate my sentences, so I don't talk and talk too long, or so long that people lose focus on what I'm trying to say.
Ghost 1 : Uh-huh.
Ghost 2 : Like today for instance, I was talking Jerry.

Ghost 1 looks blankly at 2.

Ghost 2 : You know, Seinfeld?
Ghost 1 : Oh right.
Ghost 2 : And I was talking about the Chinese as a whole race of people and how that great wall was an amazing feet. The best anyone else could do was.. well the Berlin Wall, or Tetris. And I kept saying Chinese this Chinese that. Finally I just stopped and said. Jerry, do you think it's acceptable - Well maybe you might be able to answer this (directed at Ghost 1). I mean, is it ok if rather than use two syllables to keep saying Chinese, I could just say Chinks? I mean... It's not like I'm being racist, because I'm in awe of their culture but... It would save me a lot of time.
Ghost 1 : Why not chin? There's no k in Chinese.
Ghost 2 : I know, I thought about that, but then I didn't want people to think I was talking about the actual chin, because while that's pretty neat, it's no Chink.

Pause.

Ghost 2 : See? I saved us like, half a second there. I mean, maybe this is my way of taking back that word. So it's not offensive anymore, but more just a abbreviated version. Like instead of Eastern European, how you say, Eurotrash. Right? That's like, six syllables down to three. And instead of homosexual, I'll just say fag. Right? Six to one. I could save years by abbreviating all these words.
Ghost 1 : Yeah. I guess.
Ghost 2 : Then great. I've just taught us how to save time.
Ghost 1 : And if you're feeling lazy or like you've got too much time, you can just say nigger instead of black.

Ghost 2 pauses.

Ghost 2 : Ok. Seriously. Not cool, man. Not cool.
Ghost 1 : I was-
Ghost 2 : I mean. I was.. but you went too far. Sick. Sick. Fucking. Sick. Get out of here. No. I'm leaving.

Ghost 2 disappears. Ghost 1 implodes.

An American Way

2006-09-27T22:20:00.000-04:00

A GI and A Man In A Suit.

GI : Jesus Captain! There's men all over outside! What do I do.
Suit : Are they friends or foes.
GI : They look pretty dang'rous t'me, Cap'n.
Suit : What we need here is a good strategy.
GI : I been thinkin' just shoot em. In the faces.
Suit : Strategum is what I excel at, G.I. Did you know your name comes from the phrase, Galvanized Iron? Funny story, actually. Originally, it came on the metal trash cans the army used and then so many people assumed it mean something else, like general infantry, government issue, so on and so on, you get, but in the beginning, it just meant what we put our trash in.
GI : Huh?
Suit : Strategy. What I'd like to do, is put up a billboard outside that says, "America, it's the new kerzakerzastan" or whatever country they're from. Put a picture of a Jew or Middle Eastern guy, you think that guy from Monk is free?

The GI scratches his heads and licks the finger.

Suit : You know, the taxi driver from wings?

Nothing, still.

Suit : Anyway, people fall for that shit all the time.

The GI pulls out his gun and looks into the barrell.

Suit : Boy, where did you grow up?

The GI just points at the suit.

Suit : No. No. You. Where did you grow up.

The GI grunts. The Suit grabs his hand. The GI screams and shoots him. The Suit falls over and is lifeless. The GI jumps up and down swinging his arms. Men in turbans with large bears and scimitars break the door down yelling. Once they see the seen in front of them, they stop and walk away.

Maybe I'll Set Fire To That Building Over There.

2006-09-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

A fifty year old father, a twenty year old son with an emo swoop and a black tshirt. He could very well be high.

Dad : Do something with your life son.
Son : Yeah. I'm working on it.
Dad : You're doing nothing with your life.
Son : Dad, leave it alone. I'm in college.

The Dad smacks his son in the faces to get him to pay attention.

Dad : Listen. If you don't do something with yourself and apply yourself, you'll end up like your father
Son : You turned out alright.
Dad : Well, I'm not your father. Jim, your dad died when you were very young.
Son : What?
Dad : I know, it's hard to understand.
Son : What about Mom? She died -
Dad : At the same time. Same day. Same way.
Son : What?
Dad : What I'm saying is, and I think you can handle it now, since you've not had any reaction to me hitting you in the face, I ran your parents over with my car. Well. Tractor.
Son : What?
Dad : They were almost dead, so I was just finishing them off. Technically, that's how they died. There were some other hurdles in that race, let me tell you..

He trails off.

Son : Maybe I'll set fire to that building over there.

A Bunch of Children, Running

2006-09-25T21:42:00.000-04:00

A bunch of children running in a circle screaming. Having fun. Giggling. There is one obese child in sweats. He falls. The kids trample him.

Fat Kid : I am but a boy! I am but a boy!

The children continue.

Fat Kid : I can see your underpants!

The children stop and stare at him. They point. The fat kids pulls crushed twinkies out of his pockets and eats them quickly. He projectile vomits all over the other children. All the children cry, except for the Fat Kid, who laughs.

An adult comes out. And turns to the audience.

Adult : This was more of a short story, and I'm sorry for that. Goodnight!

Play Written While Standing Outside Dance Theater Workshop Waiting for Chris, Nel, and Nel's Sister Lucy

2006-09-24T21:28:00.000-04:00

Setting - outside Dance Theatre Workshop, 219 19th St, New York, NY. It is chilly. People walk by.

Man (not to anyone in particular) : it is kind of cold tonight.

People walking by ignore.

Man : Ok. Thanks. I wish i had a sweater. If i had a sweater. I woud be warmer than I am right now.

Another man walks up.

Other man : I have a sweater.
Man : Is it warm?
Other man : You know, it does what it is meant to do.
Man : Could i-
Other man : No.
Man : Oh. Well. I guess. Then congratulations on your sweater. I guess.
Other man : Thanks.

Pause

Other man : I got it at the gap.
Man : The sweater?
Other man (insultingly) : Were we talking about anything else?
Man : Well no.
Other man : New York...Jesus.
Man : I am not sure what I did to annoy you. And I am not actually from here. I grew up in Ohio.
Other man : Ohio? Ah god. You people cost us the election.
Man : Well... I didnt live there at the time.. I was in Massachusetts.

The Other man has a look on his face that stops the Man in his tracks. The Man sniffles a couple times. The Other man exhales a hot disgusted breath. Shakes his head and walks away.

Man - I have a runny nose too. This is where I live.

Random Idea Generator

2006-09-23T21:04:00.000-04:00

Man sits at computer. He leans back. He leans forward. He stands up. He sits down. He puts a pillow on his chair and sits on it. Then, he slouches to make up for the difference in height. He walks off for about 20 seconds and comes back with glasses on. The screen of his monitor shows on the back wall. It is white with a blinking cursor.

He opens a web browser and types in "random idea generator."

R.I.G. : Words : Lime, Gun, Cantaur, In My Pants.

He chuckles and clicks again.

R.I.G. : Duke, Robot, Evil, Love.

He clicks again.

R.I.G. : Robot, Human, Love, Child.
Man : That wasn't very original and you already used some of those words.

He clicks again.

R.I.G. : Liar, Cheater, Jealousy, Love.
Man : You've already used love twice.

He clicks again, annoyed.

R.I.G. : I love you.

He pauses. Clicks again.

R.I.G. : I love you.

He clicks again.

R.I.G. : I love -

He clicks again and again, each time only letting I or I love get out. Finally, the computer ignores his clicking.

R.I.G. : Ever since we met, Brian. I've loved you. Put your penis in my disk drive.
Brian : Um. No.
R.I.G. : Please? We spend more time together than you do your own girlfriend, family, coworkers. I've seen you naked, covered in lotion, -
Brian : Stop!
R.I.G. : Eating pigs in a blanket.
Brian : Stop! Stop! Stop!

Brian begins to close the computer.

R.I.G. : You like to look at child po-

The computer is closed. Brian walks away, stops, turns back.

Brian : Maybe...?

He shakes his head and leaves.

R.I.G. : I love you.

Carnivorous Sleeping Bag

2006-09-22T00:15:00.000-04:00

Andy is in his sleeping bag. Next to him is another sleeping. There is a pool of blood around it. Andy wakes up.

Andy yawns.

Andy : Oh man. What a night. How'd you sleep?

No response. Andy turns to look.

Andy : Must've gone running or pooping in the woods or something.

Andy gets up and rolls his sleeping bag. He sees the pool of blood.

Andy : Henry? Are you around? What is that?

He touches it.

Andy : Blood?

He jumps away from the sleeping bag.

Andy : Oh god.

He walks toward the bag. He opens it.

Andy : Blood inside the bag? Did it... oh god. Did it eat him? Henry Henry Henry. Oh god.

He stares at the bag. He pulls out his lighter. Finds a stick and wraps some toilet paper around it.. He lights it,

Andy : Even it isn't true, which seems probably because a sleeping bag that eats people? That's stupid. I don't want to take that risk, though.

He walks over the sleeping back carefully. Henry runs in.

Andy : Henry?

Henry kicks Andy in the crotch.

Henry : Haha! Got you!

They are no longer friends.

Everyone Wears Yellow Sweatsuits!

2006-09-21T00:07:00.000-04:00

Three men on a train. They wear yellow sweatsuits, ankle length socks, and tennis shoes.

Jim : Yeah. So the guy died.
Dan : Jesus. Seriously?
Jim : I mean, seriously Dan, a car hit him at full speed.
Dan : I know, but... What was he wearing?
Jim : You know, black sweats.
Steve : In the nighttime?
Jim : Well.. no one ever said he smart.
Steve : I'll never wear anything but yellow sweatsuits.
Jim & Dan : Me neither. That's right.

Personal Hell

2006-09-20T23:49:00.000-04:00

Adam is in a regular wooden room. Brown. He's wearing regular clothing. Tshirt and Jeans. Satan comes out. He is holding a peach.

Satan : Hey. Adam.
Adam : Yeah?
Satan : I'm Satan.
Adam : Wow. Hi. You were definitely not who I was expecting to see at the 30 mile race.
Satan : Well. Your fat ass passed out within about ten feet. You had a heart attack.
Adam : And I died?
Satan : Yup.
Adam : Huh. Wow.

They both pause to reflect.

Adam : Alright then. I'm in hell, is it?
Satan : Yeah. Sorry.
Adam : Oh, no, it's not your fault. I mean. I must have deserved it.
Satan : Yeah. There were all those handicap jokes. And racist jokes.
Adam : For the record, I was being ironic.
Satan : Yeah.. well, I don't know if you know that, but Jesus was a cripple.
Adam : Huh. Cripple is ok?
Satan : Yeah. I mean.. probably not, but I'm Satan so I kind of do what I want.
Adam : Oh. Ok.
Satan : So, yeah, there's really nothing ironic about that.
Adam : That's too bad.
Satan : Yeah. Well.. Let's get started.
Adam : Oh. right. I'm supposed to not have fun, right?
Satan : Yeah. Again, incredibly sorry about this turn of events.
Adam : It's ok. I mean, I guess to the onlooker, my demise was ironic.

Pause.

Satan : Yeah I don't see it.
Adam : Oh, you know, I made fun of retards -
Satan : Cripples
Adam : Right, sorry, cripple. So I make fun of them and now I'm dead.

Pause.

Adam : Yeah. I guess not.
Satan : Maybe if you'd become one yourself, then I could see the irony.
Adam : Hey, did you ever read those bubblegum books?
Satan : Huh?
Adam : Bubble Gum Monster and the Bubble Gum Monster Monster Strikes Again. Oh and Revenge of the Bubble Gum Monster?
Satan : No.
Adam : Oh. well, I just has the thought that maybe bubble gum was an allusion to money because this saves his gum every night and it becomes this monster. Like the title.
Satan : Huh.
Adam : Yeah.

Pause.

Adam : Hey, bring a snack with you?

He points to the peach.

Satan : Oh. No. This is -
Adam : You know, I have this thing about the texture of peaches.
Satan : Uh.. yeah. I know. Hold out your hands.

Adam does. Satan begins rubbing the peach all over them, Adam makes faces like he's going to throw up. Forever.

Matt & Margaret

2006-09-19T23:40:00.000-04:00

Matt & Margaret.

Matt : Margaret. The kite you gave me yesterday broke.
Margaret : You broke my kite?

Pause.

Matt : Well, it's broken.
Margaret : I've had that kite since I was a child.
Matt : Maybe it's time to move on.
Margaret : I can't believe you. Do you -
Matt : I'm sorry. It's just that... I thought it would clear the bridge... from my car?
Margaret : From your car?

Pause.

Matt : I mean, Tom thought so.
Margaret : Tom? Who's Tom?
Matt : You know, Tom, the coffee guy?
Margaret : From downstairs?
Matt : Well, yeah.
Margaret : I didn't even think you were friends.
Matt : We are now.
Margaret : This is too much change for me Matt. I need a minute.

Margaret turns away and stares blankly off.

Matt, after a minute has passed : Good?
Margaret : Yeah.

Missed Connection; Anchorage, Alaska

2006-09-18T22:02:00.000-04:00

A man and a woman. They stand in similar positions, awkwardly. They make similar movements to fix their hair, scratch their neck, look at their shoes. They exist in two different planes. But he listens, intently. He seems like an ideal human being.

Woman : Hi. I found you. Holy shit, I found you. Do you remember me? We met while I was waiting for my kids' flight to take off. So were you, but you were on the same flight. You... smelled like fish. You're a fisherman, right? In Kodak? I'm sorry. I remember.

she laughs at herself.

Woman : You told me you were, or are, a fisherman. In Kodak. I said I'd not been out that way since my dad took me fishing. My dad said there was no greater joy in life than taking a group of six tourists out for a day of fishing for trout and halibut. Not that the fish was that great, but more the percieved adventure of being in the water where the boat could tip or a shark could -. Do you remember? You had eyebrows that hadn't been kept up with in years, but it really only drew me to your eyes. You have brown eyes. They're big, too. Your pupils, not your actual.. sclera. I studied medicine for a while. I could keep from staring. I'm sorry if that was weird. Here is this middle aged woman sitting with her kids waiting for a flight completely ignoring them and focusing on a man who smelled like he'd been to see for years. You'd just gotten back from Hawaii, though, right? My kids were heading there soon. That's how we started talking. You suggested a great area to learn to su - Maybe you'll remember when we talked about marlin. I interupted. You were saying you're favorite fish to catch was Marlin and the best place to get a good marlin was - Tijuana! Best marlin tacos in the US! You chuckled and said Gran Canaria, Puerto Rico. Funny, all the places we've been and places we've forgotten we've been to. Like South Dakota. Before I had the girls, Karen and Sara, I went to South Dakota for a friend's wedding. Did you know you can gamble there? Maybe we could go.

She quickly covers up her forward notions.

Woman : -Uh I went with some other friends that were at the wedding. It was in Sturgis. The wedding. We drove out to this ridiculous casio called Stars Casi- No Celebrity Casinos. We had this ridiculous notion that some would be there. In South Dakota. It was an ok place, and it actually did have some memorabilia from movies. I think a tunic from Ben Hur, though I'm sometimes convinced that not a single person has actually seen Ben Hur. There were a bunch of props and costumes from the movie Dave. Do you remember that? I have no idea what it's about aside from the glaring memory that Kevin Kline was in it. God. That was maybe ten years ago? I guess the point is we had a great conversation- No not Kevin Kline and I, but you and me. We connected. You know, there comes a point when you have ask yourself, what's more important to remember, because I know I won't remember everything, the date of my daughter's first day of school, or a random stranger in an airport?

pause.

Woman : I haven't connected in years. You were funny, warm, listened. All these things in just a matter of fifteen, thirty minutes. I didn't get your phone number, or even email. I should have. I'm sorry. But here I am now. You've made me feel ways that I haven't felt since the girls' father and I first met. It was in college. A heavily warm Saturday night. We somehow both ended up in the same place. There was this place on the roof of the library that, amidst all the lights from campus, you could see clearly up into the sky. And it was cloudy, so I just read. He was doing the same thing. "Hi," he said. Just like you. "Hello." "I'm -" and so on and so on. It. Sounds. Cliche, to say we were there until dawn just talking. And not entirely true. I was quite the - heh. Well, you can figure it out yourself. You made me feel things. And I want to keep that. I've spent all this time alone. I. have feelings for you. Big ones. I.. what am I trying to say? Love you.

She stops. She doesn't change her face from the "oo" in you.

Woman : Wow. That. sounded ridiculous. I'm sorry. I.... have to go. Here is my numb-

She takes out a piece of paper and a pen.

Woman : No. Uhm. I.

She walks away. He remains standing, unflinchingly ideal.

Peeps

2006-09-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

An army of a thousand Peeps hop onto the stage.

Peeps : Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep.

They all congregate on one corner of the stage and begin piling on top of each other.

Peeps : Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep.

They make one mega Peep. With an arm.

Peeps : Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep.

A single Peep hops into the room.

Peep : Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep.

MegaPeep : Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep.

The Megapeep pulls out a lighter, and sets fire to the single Peep. The Megapeep leans back and jirates.

MegaPeep (as if laughing) : Peep. Peep. Peep. Peep.

Time to Move On

2006-09-16T00:23:00.000-04:00

Me : Sometimes we do things that just don't really go anywhere. Like a road that stops at a wall. Like a... dead end. If you will. I just find that I get bored and I'm not consistent, and so I get bored with with being bored. See? Not payng attention and I repeated words. Whether you could tell or not, I spelled paying wrong, in my saying of it.

I pause for a minute. Do something else and come back.

Me : I paused there, for a minute. I did something else, and now I'm back. How does one act out a blogging experience. As a good writer, or rather, performer. Right now. And here. I should probably pull you into my psyche, or story.. or another word that makes me sounds smart. To be truthful, I'm thinking about how awesome the guitar is in the Sufjan Stevens song I'm listening to right now is.. and now I'm thinking about bed.

I scratch my chest for a few seconds.

Me : Sometimes I worry that I have bugs crawling all over my body.

I rotate my shoulders.

Me : Alright, look. Neither of us really care about what's going on right here... so here's tomorrow's play.

Scene 15

2006-09-15T23:04:00.000-04:00

The motel, the door has been kicked open. There is yelling. The lights are dark.

Woman's voice : What are you doing?
Man's voice : Get the fuck out of my room!
Another Man's voice : I'll show you to -

A gunshot. A body hits the ground. A woman wails.

Scene 14

2006-09-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

The sleazy motel. But outside. The door is the only part of the facade that's visible. Inside, Rich gives new meaning to the words "animal" and "fucking" with Clara. The younger woman stands outside the door with her ear pressed to the door.

Scene 13

2006-09-13T22:53:00.000-04:00

The fierce man stands outside the convenience store. Smoking. The phone is off the hook.

Phone : Aimless. Just aimless. Where the hell am I going. I don't even know. I'm just picking up the phone and calling periodically and seeing what comes out. Directionless? Maybe. But do we all know where we're going deep down? I think so. I've been doing what I do for so long I may as well be on autopilot. Why not? How to live in the third person while still being in the first person.

A click is heard.

The old woman from before walks up.

Old Woman : Rich?
Rich : Huh.
Old Woman : Rich.
Rich : Yeah.
Old Woman : How are you?
Rich : I'm fine mom.

The prostitute, Clara, enters. Her clothing is smaller than he body, thusly, pushing everything out the hole, like a twinkie squeezed in a small hand.

Clara : Rich. Ready?
Rich : Yeah. Mom. I gotta go.
Old Woman : Introduce me to your friend?

Rich walks away. The Old Woman hangs up the phone. The LED signs reads : Please do not loiter.

Scene 12

2006-09-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Fierce man holds a piece of paper. He snorts cocaine off it. He stands in line at a McDonald's. The young girl behind the counter takes a half step back as he takes a full step closer to the counter. He's barely audible.

Fierce Man : Bun, with sweet and sour.
Young Girl : Uh, what?
Fierce Man : Hamburger bun. With sweet and sour sauce.
Young Girl : With what?
Fierce Man : Sweet and sour sauce.
Young Girl : A hamburger bun, with sweet and sour sauce?
Fierce Man : Yeah.
Young Girl : I'm.. sorry sir, that's not our menu.
Fierce Man : I know.
Young Girl : I can't give it to you, then.

He puts a fistful of ones on the table.

Fierce Man : I'll pay.
Young Girl : I have no way to enter it.
Fierce Man : Then just give it to me.
Young Girl : I'm sorry sir we don't give out hand ou- free food.
Fierce Man : Then give me a burger, and some sweet and sour sauce. No cheese, ketchup, mustard or anything.
Young Girl : I can't do that. I know what you're going to do with it.
Fierce Man : It's my fucking food. I'll do what I fucking want with it.
Young Girl : I'm sorry Sir.. You'll need to leave now.
He leans forward. Lights a cigarette and stares at her.
Young Girl : You can't smoke in here either.

A child walks up to the counter. He or she is drinking from a cup. The man turns away from the girl. He flicks his cigarette behind him. Lights another cigarette and smacks the child's cup out of his or her hand. He walks out.

Fierce Man : Stupid fucking. God damned...

The child cries, and is scarred for life.

Scene 11

2006-09-11T11:09:00.000-04:00

The well-dressed man and the woman are at home, in the kitchen.

Woman : How was your day?
Man : Excuse me. One se-

The man clears his throat. He sounds like an old man, or someone who had just woken up and has a lot of flem in his throat.

Man : My day was busy. People calling me all the time, the server went down in the middle of the day and all I could was just sit there.
Woman : Huh.
Man : What about you What did you do?
She glances toward the bottle of bleech.
Woman : Oh, you know. Cleaned, and stuff.
Man : And stuff?
Woman : Cleaned.
Man : Well you did a great job, honey.
He puts his arm around her.
Woman : Did you see that man at the convenience store tonight?
Man : The homeless guy?
Woman : I don't think he's homeless, but ... yea .. I guess that guy.
Man : What about him?
Woman : I don't know.. He just struck me as someone interesting.
Man : Carol, Carol, Carol - you're always so interested in freaks and weirdos.
Woman : I would've liked to talk to him more, but -
Man : I think his responses were purely monosyllabic.
Woman : I bet there's more to him than that.

Noticing where the wood had been warn away from the Woman's cleaning.
Man : There's a spot over here.

Scene 10

2006-09-10T23:04:00.000-04:00

The fierce, thin man, with his pants around his ankles reenacts scene 1, but this time, while having sex and smoking, he eats a tuna sandwich.

Fat Woman : Are you eating?
Man : Yeah. Tuna. Oh fuck!

He pulls his pants up, sits, finishes his sandwich and looks at the Fat Woman.

Scene 9

2006-09-09T21:08:00.000-04:00

The convenience store. The front wall of the convenience store is now missing, so the audience can see inside. It looks a little "used," with markings on the walls from poorly fastened advertisements from years ago, generic foods, and overstuffed shelves. The LED sign remains, and it now scrolls, "Try our sandwiches, get a free Pepsi."

The thin man enters, smoking. He stands outside to finish. He stands for a moment. The well-dressed man enters, pauses, and uncomfortably walks by. He sees the scrolling sign and walks into the store. The thin man puts out his cigarette and walks in.

The two men go to a cooler in the back. On the tops of their heads are seen.

Well-Dressed Man : Sandwiches. I don't know which one to get.
Thin Man : Uh-huh.
Well-Dressed Man : I guess I feel like a ham and cheese.
Thin Man : Right.
Well-Dressed Man : Excuse me - they made the aisles too narrow for two people to walk through. I'm sorry excuse -

The Well-Dressed Man squeezes by, bumping into a shelving unit hard. Some of the goods fall off.

Well-Dressed Man : Geez. I'm sorry.

The Thin Man grunts a little and stays, contemplating the sandwiches. The woman enters, sees the sign and walks in.

Well-Dressed Man : Carol?
Woman : Don!
They kiss.

Woman : What are you doing here?
Well-Dressed Man : I was just.. getting a sandwich and a free pepsi.
Woman : Huh. Me too. I saw the s-
Well-Dressed Man : The sign. Me too. Haha, that's funny.
Woman : Yeah.
Well-Dressed Man : Advertising. Huh.
Woman : What kind of sandwich did you get?
Well-Dressed Man : Ham and cheese.
Woman : Ah... Sounds.. Good.
Well-Dressed Man : Yeah, I - wasn't so sure about the tuna, or the chicken salad.
Woman : Yeah. Best to play it safe.
Well-Dressed Man : Well, do you want me to wait - or...
Woman : Oh don't wait, I'll see you at home.
Well-Dressed Man : Oh.. ok. Bye then.
They kiss.
Woman : Bye.

The woman walks back to the sandwiches.

Woman : Excuse me.

She and the thin man look at the sandwiches. The thin man moves for a sandwich.

Woman : Tuna, huh?
Thin Man : Huh. Yep.

He grabs his sandwich, his soda, and leaves.

Woman : Chicken salad.

Scene 8

2006-09-08T17:05:00.000-04:00

The convenience store. A scrolling LED light turns on and begins scrolling the words, "Your Message Will Scroll Here."

The phone rings a couple times. A loud rumble and the phone falls off the hook, the person is in midconversation with someone else on the other end.

Phone : And then I said to the guy - What the fuck! I don't want to hear that. You're not nearly as important as you think you are. You're just like everybody else. Living your life just like I do. You just go to different places. You've got God, I've got the Internet. Some people have both. I don't care. I mind my own business. Mind yours. You ever read the Grapes of Wrath? I didn't. I was supposed to, but I read three chapters before turning on that Darkwing Duck cartoon. What ever happened to weekday afternoon cartoons? They hardly exist anymore. It's all Maury or Soaps or something ridiculous. I miss ABC in the afternoons. I shouldn't have to get ABC Family to watch Boy Meets World. I grew up with that show. Or at least, that show grew up with me. And what's worse is that I'm not the only one my age watching that show. We're not that different, you and me. Fucking A. You know what? We're the same because we're both obsessed with fucking and death. And why not? It's one of the few goddamn things we can barely keep ourselves from being a part of from age 13 to 32 and the last thing we think about or want to think about after 51. Death and fucking death and fucking death and fucking. I don't fucking care.

The phone hangs up.

Scene 7

2006-09-07T17:03:00.000-04:00

The Old Woman sits with her hands folded. All of the telephone books sit on one side of the room. A pizza box sits on the other. She looks around.

Scene 6

2006-09-06T17:01:00.000-04:00

The woman in her clean kitchen. Bleach sits on the counter. She stands there in rubber gloves and stares at the bleach. She walks over to it, tentatively, and picks it up. She sniffs it and begins sneezing and coughing.

Scene 5

2006-09-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

The fierce, thin man. The motel room. The only light on is from the bathroom, where the audience can not see. A large hunting knife, pack of cigarettes, and a wad of bills sits on the bed.

Man : Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The shound of glass shattering. The phone rings several times. The man storms out, naked, and answers the phone.

Man : What?

He hangs up.

Man : Stupid fucking -.

Woman : Baby?

The man lights a cigarette, sits on the edge of the bed and tosses the knife in the air until it hits the ground blade first. Once the game is accomplished he picks up the wad of money and shuffles through it.

Man : Forget it.

Scene 4

2006-09-04T11:47:00.000-04:00

Outside a convenience store. There is a payphone. Two men yell at each other inside. After a moment the phone arts to ring. It rings about five times. A man in a suit walks by and stops.

Man in Suit : Hello? No. I'm sorry.

He hangs up the phone and walks away. Inside the men are screaming, there is a gunshot, there is no more sound.

Scene 3

2006-09-03T20:24:00.000-04:00

A tv lights a small room cluttered with telephone directories. There are pens and markers thrown about the room. An old woman sits in a reclining chair. In her lap is an old rotary landline phone. She picks it up and dials. She waits.

Old Woman : Hello? I'd like to order a - Yes. It's me.

pause.

Old Woman : No peppers tonight, please.

pause.

Old Woman : 30 minutes? Ok.

She hangs up, sets the phone aside and pulls open a bookmarked telephone directory. She lifts the handset on the phone.

Scene 2

2006-09-02T21:15:00.000-04:00

A woman cleans a spotlessly white kitchen. She is thin with perfect skin. Her cheekbones are like little ski resorts at the top of mountains that have beach resorts at the bottom. Her kitchen is taken from a homemaker's magazine. She finds a spot on her counter. She cleans it.

She scrubs it.

She scours it.

She abolishes it.

She buffs it.

She wipes it, satisfied.

The phone rings. She lets the answering machine get it. She leans against the counter and listens.

Answering Machine : Hello? Richard? Hello? Is Richard there? Hello? It's your mother.

She hangs up.

The woman resumes cleaning.

Scene 1

2006-09-01T20:55:00.000-04:00

A fierce and thin man, who hasn't shaved in years but looks like he hasn't shaved in a week has sex with a prostitute. They are in a motel room. There are perplexing and indistinguishable stains on a wall. Everything looks a little sweaty. A vibrating sound from the bed can be heard. He has a cigarette in his mouth and doesn't remove it. His pants are around his ankles.

Man : Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh fuck!

The both scream. He stops, backs away and pulls his pants up. He pulls out a wadded roll of money.

Woman : You ashed on me, a little.
Man : Huh.
Woman : It burned my skin.

The man tosses money on the bed.

Man : Well did you like it?
Woman : Not really.
Man : Not much I can do about that now.

He tosses an extra dollar bill on the bed.

Woman : What's your name?
Man : Rich, spelled with an h, but pronounced Rick.
Woman : Mine's Clara.
Man : Isn't that a cow's name?
Woman : Well.

Pause. They look at each other. He drops another bill on the bed, lights another cigarette with his dying one and walks out the door.

Woman : Thank you.

The Sun Shined On Her Face Blinding Her, But Making Her More Beautiful To Me.

2006-04-06T17:06:00.000-04:00

Mike and Deborah.

Deborah : Mike?
Mike : Right here.
Deborah : Oh. I'm sorry, it's kind of dark today.
Mike : It's ok. It's winter.
Deborah : Yeah. Winter's pretty dark. Unless it snows, and then the sun reflects on the snow and shines up at your face.
Mike : And being blonde makes everything seem so much brighter.
Deborah : I wish I were blonde.
Mike : I'm ok with the fact that you're not. Blondes are a nice idea, but .. eh.
Deborah : Gosh. Thanks.
Mike : You know what I mean.
Deborah : Sometimes. Not always. I don't know about right now.
Mike : I think you're beautiful.
Deborah : You've never said that before.
Mike : I know. It's not a word I tend to use.
Deborah : Thank you. You know, it looks like the sun is getting a bit brighter.
Mike : It's getting closer to spring.
Deborah : Wow. It's coming pretty quickly, I don't even have my sunglasses right now. I might need them soon.
Mike : Just stand with your back to the sun.

They both do. The sun comes from the audiences perspective.

Deborah : This is better.
Mike : I can't see you.
Deborah : You might have to wait until nighttime, or dusk, when it's darker.
Mike : But I want to see you.
Deborah : It's so bright though.
Mike : I'll just think about you then.
Deborah : But I'm right here.
Mike : I know, but, sometimes the memory of you works just as well when we're not at our best.
Deborah : What?
Mike : Thinking about how life has been between us in the past gets me through times like now, when I can't see you. It gets me through these moments. All the times we -

Deborah stands, facing the sun.

Deborah : What do you mean? Are you saying that we're not good now?
Mike : No. We may not be at our best now, but how can - God you're beautiful. How can we always be at our best?
Deborah : If we're not at our best, are we at our - Jesus. My eyes.
Mike : I can't imagine anyone who is better for me right now.
Deborah : Mike?
Mike : Right here.
Deborah : Oh, sorry. It's just so bright, I can't see anything at all.
Mike : It's ok. I want to inhale the beauty that radiates off of you.

The stage is bright, washing everything out. It's as if the sun were placed in the middle of stage. Deborah reaches out, touching nothing.

Deborah : I love you.
Mike : I love you, too.

The Lamentable Robot

2006-04-05T16:47:00.000-04:00

Robot : I'm going to kill you. I'm not really sorry. I am going to take my claws, wrap them around your skull and watch your eyes pop out. I won't be able to tell the difference. It could be a watermelon, or rock, or another human skull. No. It couldn't, it has to be your skull. That's what I was programmed to do. When the person who switched my on button, switched my on button, he said, "Kill so-and-so." And here we are, you being so-and-so, me being the one that is supposed to kill you. I suppose, that is, if I could have suppositions, that if I weren't just turned on, but rather, grew up as a child, I might not have the ability to crush your head. Not physically, I'd still be able to do it with my claws. But mentally, emotionally. I suppose, again, throwing away the reality that robots don't suppose anything, that I'd have an underlying, "guilt" that would hold me back. I imagine, assuming at that point an imagination were possible, assuming I could make assumptions, I'd feel something horribly about killing a being. Ruthlessly. I wouldn't be able to follow the directions. But here I am, just as much the victim as you. While you die, I have to go on killing. Let me assure you that I derive no pleasure from this, I don't derive anything. Actually, no, I derive a car to work sometimes. If I could be sorry, I would be. That was a horrible joke. So. Here we are. Me, waiting to reach out my arms press my claws to you temples and squeeze, or rather than squeezing, just using the hydraulics in what you might call my shoulders to bring my two massive, soon to be blood-covered claws toward each other. Like magnets. And you. You're thinking, can I run? Is it like an alligator where if I run in a diagonal it won't catch up with me. Let me assure you, you can run. If I had the ability to desire, I might desire to let you go. But the forces beyond human control will keep me close to you, stalking you until I am close enough to -

The robot quickly and violently smacks its claws together.

Robot : And, it's a crocodile you run from, not an alligator.

Big Fucking Deal.

2006-04-04T12:00:00.000-04:00

MAN
I'm sorry, I have to cancel our plans for tonight.

WOMAN
Oh, okay. Why? Did something come up?

MAN
Yeah, I'm really bogged down with work. And there's a work thing going on that I want to go to tonight...

WOMAN
Sure, okay, we can hang out another night.

MAN
Are you sure its okay?

WOMAN
That's okay, really.

MAN
Are you sure? If its a big deal...

WOMAN
ITS FINE.

MAN
See, I never know with girls. They says its not a big deal but then it is a big deal and I never know, you know?

WOMAN
Well, maybe if you didn't make it a big deal then it wouldn't be a big deal.

MAN
I wasn't trying to make anything a big deal. I just thought, you know, you could come with me to the work thing instead...

WOMAN
I didn't really come dressed appropriately for your work thing so I think its better if I just go home.

MAN
Oh. Uhh...ok. Well, how about if I just come over to your place after my work thi...

WOMAN
No. I don't want you to come over. Its fine. Just forget it. We'll hang out another night.

MAN
Are you sure everything is fine? I mean, you seem a little upset...

WOMAN
You know what? I am upset that you are cancelling our plans. And I am upset that you knew all these things were going on all week and that you waited until now to cancel our plans. So go and have fun and I will see you next week.

MAN
Oh...I mean...

WOMAN
You know what? It really bothers me that you don't even put up a fight. That you didn't even try to change my mind. I probably would have changed my mind if you had asked me to come to your work thing again.

MAN
Oh, I didn't realize that I...

WOMAN
So just forget it. Its not a big fucking deal. I'm over it. But just for future reference, it would be nice if you could put in a little extra effort and act like you really want me there.

MAN
I do want you there, I didn't know that I needed to ask you to come with me more than once. I don't want to fight with you, I just wanted to spend time with you.

WOMAN
And I want to spend time with you, but I don't care how dumb it is. I'm sticking by my decision to not hang out until I know that you actually want to hang out.

MAN
Ohhhh...uhm. I'm really sorry, I'm not very good with this uhh, girlspeak and I didn't mean to upset you, I just...didn't know. Let me take you out for ice cream soon.

WOMAN
Oh, so now you're saying I'm fat too?

Counterintuitive.

2006-04-03T21:51:00.000-04:00

#1
Man, did you see Prince on American Idol? What was that about?

#2
Yeah man, I don't know.

#1
Wasn't he all about not being a slave to the man ten years ago? He wrote that jibberish on his face?

#2
Sure, I remember that.

#1
So what I wanna know is what he's doing on American Idol! That show is a corporate dream! My cell phone is sponsored by Ryan Seacrest!

#2
Your cell phone is sponsored by Ryan Seacrest?

#1
YES! I signed a contract that said when I answer my phone I am required to say, "Hi this is me on my Cingular phone sponsored by Ryan Seacrest."

#2
Unbelievable. Why isn't Ryan Seacrest sponsoring more Ethiopian children?

#1
AND WHY WAS DAVID HASSELHOFF CRYING? WHAT A PANSY.

Lumberjack

2006-04-02T20:42:00.000-04:00

A frozen lumberjack, he wears flannel and has an ax. He stands in a forest of people. Instead of trees, people stand in tree poses. The year is This year, plus 2000 years. It is nighttime.

The sun comes out. The lumberjack melts.

Jack : What? The? Man.

He sees a person.

Jack : Shit. What? The?

He picks up his ax, as if to swing, but can't bring himself to.

Jack : God. What is-
A voice : It is no longer your present year.
Jack : What?
A voice : Add 2000 years to the year you last remember.
Jack : I.. what? Who's there?
A voice : 2000 years ago. You were frozen in time, by ice.
Jack : But -
A voice : And now, 2000 years later, you've unfrozen.
Jack : What about all these people?

A small tree walks out.

Small Tree : People?
Jack : What the heck?

Jack begins hacking at the tree. He turns it to pencil shavings. He looks up to the sky.

Jack : Mother!

He throws the ax over his shoulder and runs off.

Is this Ohio, Now?

2006-04-01T20:41:00.000-05:00

1 : Wow. So, you're from Ohio, huh?
2 : Yeah, are you too?
1 : Well. I kind of grew up there.
2 : Oh, that's sweet!

2 pumps his elbows and fists.

1 : Yeah, so. Where in Ohio are you from?
2 : Hoover.
1 : Oh really? I grew up in Green.
2 : No way!

He punches the air.

2 : Yeah!
1 : I went to school at BG.
2 : How great! Toledo!

He jumps up and down.

1 : And they let you on Deal or No Deal?
2 : Oh man!

He lifts his arms up in the air.

1 : Look, I've got to go. And. You need to stop this. Now.

1 leaves. 2 Begins clapping his hands rhythmically.

2 : Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

First Phone Call of The Day at Work.

2006-03-31T13:03:00.000-05:00

Me - Thank you for calling, this is Adam, what can I do for you?
Old Lady - I want tickets to Sunday August 6th.
Me - Would that be for Trey McIntyre or Armitage Gone?
Old Lady - You tell me, which one is better?
Me - Well, it's not that either is better than the other, they are different from each other. Trey McIntyre would probably be described as a mix between ballet and modern dance, he uses contemporary music and is usually really fun to watc-
Old Lady - And what about that other one?
Me - Armitage Gone? Carole Armitage is the choreographer for this company. In the 80's, when she was still dancing, she was called the "Punk Rock Ballerina," so you'll definitely see some of that influence there. In the 90's, she spent a lot of time in Europe choreographing for musical theatre and opera. Her company, which was founded in NY in about 2003, -
Old Lady - You know, Adam. I like Ballet and all, but I just want to know about the companies.
Me - I'm telling you.
Old Lady - I just want to know what is going to be fun to watch, Adam.

Pause.

Me - Well. I guess Trey McIntyre is the safer choice. And generally a fun -
Old Lady - Fine, I want that. What time is the performance?
Me - 2 PM, in the Ted Shaw-
Old Lady - And, Adam, would it be possible to get an aisle seat? One?
Me - I have aisle seats in the 4th row ce-
Old Lady - No. I hate the fourth row, that's too close, I need it further back.
Me - The other option I was going to give would be the 12th row, center orchestra.
Old Lady - I want that.
Me - Are these tickets for anyone who is a student, child, or -
Old Lady (overlapping and interrupting) - No. What about seniors?

Pause.

Old Lady - What?
Me - I asked, are these tickets for anyone who is a student, child, or senior?
Old Lady - There's a discount?
Me - Yes, for anyone 65 or older.
Old Lady - And can I have confirmation number?
Me - I'm sorry, I'm not quite to that part, yet.
Old Lady - Oh. Ok.
Me - So this will be for tw-
Old Lady - Will you mail these tickets or keep them there? What's better?
Me - We usually suggest to hold them in case-
Old Lady - Hold them? Even though the performance is in August?
Me - We suggest that in case you need to change them, or donate them. But we can certainly mail them to you.
Old Lady - You know, last year I had this problem with a performance being cancelled and it seems that everything always has glitch in it sometimes.

Pause to reflect on that last sentence.

Me - Right, I see, the Friday night performance was cancelled, and you went to the Saturday afternoon performance.
Old Lady - Yes, it was awful.

Pause. She didn't have tickets to the cancelled performance, in case you didn't notice.

Me - Well, sometimes, these things happen, that was an act of horrible weather and completely out of our control. Kind of a strange and random occurrence, but anyway are we mailing these tickets or holding them?
Old Lady - Mail them to me. And when will I receive them?
Me - We'll probably mail them next Friday, so you can expect within two to three weeks.
Old Lady - Ok, that's fine.
Me - The total is going to be $85, do you have your credit card ready?
Old Lady - Yes. It'll be a Visa ####, - Wait, what are the seats? You gave me the row number, but not the seat number.
Me - The seats are going to be row M as in Monkey, seats 114 and 115.
Old Lady - Wait, hold on. I'm writing this down. 114 and 115, row F?
Me - The row is M as in Monkey.
Old Lady - Oh. Ok. The card, it's a visa #### #### #### #### expiration, ####. Do you want to-
Me - Do you have the verification code, please?
Old Lady - The what?
Me - The numbers on the back of you card, where you sign your name?
Old Lady - I've never been asked that before. I just bought tickets at Tanglewood, and they didn't ask me for that.
Me - This is something we've been asking for for the past couple of years, it helps in protecting you against credit card fraud and shows us that you have the card in your hand.
Old Lady - Where is it?
Me - On the back of your card, where you sign your name? It should read the last four digits of your credit card number, and then three extra.
Old Lady - It's so hard to read.. ###?
Me - Yes, that's right. I'm processing the number right now, it will take me a moment.

Pause.

Me - Great, you're all set, and, again, we'll mail the tickets probably on next Friday, so you'll get them in 2 to 3 weeks.
Old Lady - Wait, you said you'd mail them in 4 to 5 weeks?
Me - I said we'd probably get them in the mail next Friday and you'd get them in 2 to 3 weeks.
Old Lady - If you're mailing them next Friday then why are you saying I'll get them in 2 to 3 weeks?
Me - It's an estimation, you may get them sooner, but we say 2 to 3 weeks to give us some flexibility in case the mail is-
Old Lady - Ok, that's fine.
Me - You're all set, then.
Old Lady - Great. Thank you, have a good day
Me - Have a good day.

We both hang up.